Monthly Archives: April 2013

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This has been a crazy day! The hearing was pretty hysterical… i was pretty stressed but when we got there … the weis woman was kind late and then she had no evidence while I have and was able to present all of mine. Im just glad my mom could come and be my witness at the trial … that was good too … but they said it could take upto or over a week to hear what the decision is… that part kinda sucks… Im kinda hoping I win it a lot we need the income … we need it bad. But, I spent my time pretty well and got all my paperwork together and organized … but i never really got to do a lot of the other stuff ive had to do around this house… thats the only sad part of the whole mess… oh well I think i'll get to it after my dentist appointment …. OH!!! and my mom spent the whole day with me and we did the wash and went to share KFC too… thats about all … time for me to get some sleep… im about ready to pass out… today has been so busy and stressful

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2 panic attacks later … today has been fucking awful…

my SSD got denied…
my lawyer is a fucking bitch and tells me all I do is PUT HER ON THE DEFENSIVE… so im firing her….
I STILL have to go to my UC hearing on Tuesday
OVR is slow…
Davis and I have been arguing…

…and i left my laptop in the car…

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Maybe im amazed…


To my guardian angel..a follower of The Christ,

Thank you… from the bottom of my heart, the bottom of my soul, my lungs, my brain, my feet, my everything…Thank you. I found your beyond generious gift in my mailbox today… I had no idea what to expect…I was told by a dear friend in the Tourette's group that a person wanted to send me a finantial gift because of how hard ive struggled and how hard i try… she let me know when she mailed it… so i went to see Brody today…and i saw that i had letters…

I opened the envelope in my car and when I saw the money order for  $500… I sat there and cried tears of gratitude… I truly have no words for how much this means to me… With how hard life has been these past few years I never thought that someone would have the generocity do to something like this for me …when it comes to trying to give I do what i can … and without wanting anything in return other than trying to help another person… but to know that someone annonon. wanted to do this for me … my heart sings…

My faith tradition has been all over… But I believe that all of us have a test of life, that God, the Tester, the Intecessor and The Comforter places tests before us all and we don't have to pass them but we must try with every fiber of our being…

all of have our own tests … and I don't know who you are… but your note alone inspired me to try harder, seeing that you've ri…sen to your test and are so generous… Thank you, thank you, for the food on my table tonight, for the lights in my house… for the hospital bills that are now able to be paid and for many other things…Thanks to you I now have a blouse and a pair of pants to wear to my interviews tomorrow too. Since I always wore a uniform to work I had no clothing for an interview … now I do… thank you so very much for helping me work towards a fresh start and a new begining and the authentic life I truly want.

thank you… I look forward to the day I can pay this kindness forward to a person in need …I've placed both notes in my box of treasures that I can keep forever to always remind me of your kindness and love. I just cant even believe this was gifted to me … your note has found a special, priceless place in my box of treasures so i can ALWAYS remember you …and remember how this will help make changes in my life…

with much love and gratitude now and always

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headphones….


Davis has been off this whole weekend… and it i've dropped down to 149#…. which is cool too … and i found headphones for $1.50, it's so nice to have my ipod back ….i made really good burgers tonight for supper that really made up for the NASTY dinner that Davis tried to make the night before. Sometimes I dont know what that man thinks but it was sweet that he tried…

oh crap… never got to cut my coupons today… oh well, tomorrow is another day….I want to email one of those crazy coupon shows and see if they could teach me how to do that… it could be kinda funny t osee if they could…

I found out I type 95 words a minute too, im sure i can go faster than that if i really wanted to… i wonder if thats going to help me find work somewhere too? sometimes i dont know whats going to become of all of us…um…im trying to think what else… there's nothing too special that went on today…

oh … well… we got the big dumpster bag picked up yesterday morning too… the people were really cute and nice too… my mom, had to help pay for $100 of the pick up…but i covered the other $138 of it … i hated borrowing that money from her … and then lying to Davis about how much it costed…but i broke it up over 5 cards, and all of the rest of the laundry money and other things I was hording to save for the trip for him to go to main to see Samantha… but its gone and the landlord isn't kicking us out again… for the moment… one more stress thing down for me …
but
now we have no money for food… that kinda scares me … Davis only has $25 in his account and i have a LOT less than that… BofA has overdrawn us over $160 because of the way they credit things… there was money there when i got the perscriptions and things … i dont know how we're going to make it through sometimes … but i know we will and we have to … this all makes me sick to my insides …

but, we had one really sweet thing that happened this weekend… and we didn't have the money for it … but we wanted to get out … so we went over to Sonic and got ice cream… it wasn't even $10 but it was nice to get to sit and watch the cars go by late at night and just … talk… i loved it … it was just fun to do … i miss getting to do little things like that.

oh well, i think im going to go read my book now … its not that my laptop works again so i can post in bed like this… makes it way easier for me to keep up with my thinking…

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my house looks like it belongs at the carnival…


i have tons ti post but im tired… so this is going to be a short one … i got some paint samples for living room colors. i just cant take that room being the disgusting, old, nasty mint green anymore…  3 colors later we found the right one, it's calld aged parchment. i cant wait until its done… the place is looking less like a funhouse everyday…

Weis is appealing my decision for unemployment now too … i had a gigantic breakdown over that because of all the paperwork i now have to get together to prove things to them infront of the judge… its so scary….

im passing out… more tomorrow

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bad idea.. very disgusting colored bad idea


I wanted the room to be like … coco… not monkey shit brown!!!

… I got a sample tester of paint with my old store credit from the depot… so i technically got the paint for free… sadly, not the paint I thought i was getting…. Oh well… for $2.94 i might be able to fix this … well, sorta fix it … Even though the color is bad Davis and my mom are happy that I've found something to do…

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My mom came down again


Well, my mom came down again to help me out …I had a nervous breakdown this morning because our utilities were turned off and we have no chance of getting them turned back on ourselves… we have no money or anything… and I was working on job applications and then everything went down … I was so hysterical and i didn't want to have her have to help me again … I was crying so hard and so bad…but she came down and did what she could for us … and given that I'm not posting from my phone and i am from my desktop …

I panic cleaned the whole house before she got here because i was so worried about what she'd think and she was kinda scolding me because i was so upset over what she'd think of my house not being clean enough … but she didn't care…

she was more mad that I didn't eat all day or from early yesterday either….so she forced a vegi BLT on me….

she helped me with money to do the laundry and helped me do it too … that was kinda funny but nice at the same time because we just got to spend another day talking and just… having a nice day. I love my mom so much, even if there was nothing she could do finantially to help me I NEVER would ahve asked for that anyway… just coming and spending the day with me so im not having a life full of panic attacks was so worth it to me Oh,  and she helped me haul the other rug from the cellar up here… Davis got it as a sample from his store for free a few years ago.. so other than the big hole cut out of the one end of it where the sign went it's a perfectly good rug… she helped and we put it under where the couch is so it looks almost like we have a hallway sorta and a living room because the space is divided… But I didn't think of it and she did from when we cleaned the cellar out.

she said they're happy to help when and where they can because they know i'll try to pay them back… i already did once… i paid her back $400 but then i had to borrow it AGAIN when the breaks on my car died and i had to get them….

…but we have our utilities back on … and hopefully that bag will be picked up soon and my stress level can go back down…i don't feel like eating but Davis wants me to… so he's just going to have pizza and i think i'll make an omlet for myself… i don't know… maybe this diet isn't going to work…

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Lying in bed… lost… and wishing the TV worked in here…


I ended up having to ask my mom to pay for the stupid haul away… i feel sick through and through to know how much money i owe her but how lucky i am that she CAN help me … i want to be able to pay her back… i wanted to be able to pay her back IN FULL already… and ive not been able to stop crying all night… i am so sick of this … and so scared of how life is just going to be this way forever… I need to work on my resume again tomorrow… i need to get over this fear of getting another full time job… i have to … im just so scared that i cant do it. the last 3 full time jobs i couldn't keep because of medical … i don't want to be disabled… i dont want to be broken… i dont want to play this game anymore where im just… broken…

what if i cant do it? we cant afford for me not to be able to do it … and we cant afford for me to be scared either… and im scared of everything… im so overwhelmed… and what if i cant find another job that isn't the same shit i always do… what if i cant do it, or cant find the references or anything i need to break out of this hole… it's stuck in my head about my landlord telling me im worthless and full of excuses… i wish i didn't talk so much… i wish i could be a better wife… or less shitty than i am … i want so many things… and im too high maintnence… and im so scared…

i just wanted so much more than this… so much more forever… and i feel like thats never going to happen… i have a lot to do tomorrow… i hope i can get most of it done… and not have more panic attacks… or tic storms… or anything else… all i know is not getting out of bed isn't an option tomorrow…

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i wanted more than this


It can come from out of nowhere
Hit you when you're safe and warm
Take it easy my star
your time is gonna come,
your time is gonna come….

I'm really tired….like, really really tired. I didn't sleep very well last night but my books' really good. I can't wait to read the next one too… even if it's not the direct follow up… it's like, the side book… So I'll be happy to read it anyway… Reading is really nice lately. But called me from work early this morning while I was in the shower and said he was on his way home … I kinda started to freak … he said he got hurt. He was working back in recieving and somehow disloacted his knee. The bad knee anyway!!!

So, he tells me that it's all my fault he got hurt today … this is the first morning he didn't come back into the bedroom to tell me he was leaving and for me to tell him to 'have a good day, stay out of trouble, don't hurt my bunbun. I love you' and not doing that…so…he came home at like 9am, just as my mom was getting here. She was so worried about being in his way … but I got him all set up to rest on the couch and we went out and went to our SAME places and did the same little nothings… Oh, and i made her bread…

That was pretty neat too. I really lhad fun with her today… and we did NOTHING… just talked and walked around … it was just 5 minutes away from my stress and my life and my everything else… So I get home and my landlord tells me off because ive not had the Baggster picked up from cleaning the cellar out and told me I'm a bunch of bad words and other things and screamed in my face and i yelled back with him and when i got back in I had a gigantic tantrum with screaming and sobbing and after that… well… major panic attack…

… the checking account is overdrawn again… thanks of BofA…for once again making my life a nightmare… we dont even know where this charge came from but it's $80 overdrawn at minimum… the electric bill is due, the cable bill is due, the rent is due… the mail box is due… medicalert lapsed… everything else is driving me insane… and i had a breakdown… a full complete hysterical sobbing mess where had to take me into the bedroom and try to make me feel better while i SOBBED my eyes out….

I have to find $139 to get the bag picked up… my unemployment is only $490… so with the rent and the bag… unless we want to have to take the Skees over to my moms and live in the car AGAIN … we'll be evicted… and I don't want to live in the cars again… idon't… that was so awful…  I don't want to live in this slum anymore… i feel sick over spending anything…. i don't want it to be like this… i never thought my life of being like… living in a slum….. with no money at all… crying and panic attacks….

…oh… and the taxes… we owe so much money… i was sick over that…

so much for this diet… i need a donut…not like we can afford that EITHER… we can't even afford a $.59 donut… and we have to use the last of his check to get ink to print the taxes… i cant take it… i can't take it ….

he wont let me even sell some of my jewlery… i said i would and he said its not allowed… i have nothing i can do to make this better…  i guess im going to have a matzoh with cinnamon sugar…

 im so done….