I have created for myself a version of hell on earth… and this is where I shall live until the end of time… when the great gates open up above me. I have damned myself onto this… damnedabout place that this be…


yeah… all the crying music came on… every miserable fucking song on my playlist came on…

I feel weak… I feel powerless and weak… and right now the one person in the world I want to be here isn’t going to be here because of someone else… I know… not what a certan someone wants to here…but thats not important..

Right now I want to be able to talk like its the old days… I want to talk to you like its just yo and me again.. I want to sit on my bed… and just talk about things… I want to feel you hold my hand… and listen… and be like me…

and I know you’re happy now, and I know I have no right to say or think or do anything that has to do with you and your happy… but for gods sake will you grant me immunity from the judgement?! I’m crying… okay? Just don’t judge me… don’t confront me about wanting to talk to this person… You’d do that to me. Hell, the last time I actually spoke my mom I got confronted… please… anyone who reads this who wants to be judgemental just stop right now…

But… seriously… after going to WCC yesterday and feeling speical… and getting that chance at Princeton… I want to go there.. and it was so beautifulll and I just … it was an amazing moment and feeling and all of that crap that went along with it… I don’t know… spending time with my dad and us not fighting all the time…

I want to get in there… and I come home… and I talk to this person who I shouldn’t care about… but I do anyway… because I know that the other person will bitch me out accuming I go anywhere near person A… It doesn’t matter… I’m just ranting… all I’ve learned about trying to love so far has … well… I’ve eded up with a broken heart like everyone else. I’m not that different after all now am?

But I find out that this jerk I know… who I never really, really cared about to begin with… I thought I did… but the more I got to know him he turned out to be totallu selfcentered and egotistical and mean to me and called me a liar last night about proof that I got that he said something totally disrespectful about me behind my back… its not that what he said was so wrong… and we got into a little verbal war either

guess what jerkface, You’re not my dream guy either, but I wouldn’t tell you that to your face because I don’t suck that much you stupid self-centered bastard… and that hurt me today… because I was hoping maybe you’d do something different… something like come adn tell me you’re sorry… I said to you that if you meant that you were sorry… you’d come to me adn tell me to my face… prove it to me.. I cant’ be bought… I want you to come to me and say something!

But thats asking for too much now isn’t it?

And then there’s the deal with Jonny…