i think its time for this journal to go away… i realize i cant talk in it anymore.

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my freeking parents stopped by my store today out of nowhere… they’re weird but we went to lunch. my dad said they were going to stop by the house too but he cant make up his mind.

i have no interest in doing overtime this week

Solas cross stitch is looking great though! 


oh my gosh this weekend was insane … I had t work over 26 hours at my job… that was so hard. I was going in at 3am and not getting home until almost 5 just to do it again until Monday. I like my job but those hours make it so hard to get anything done sometimes. thankfully the Graduation season is almost done now…. at least we hope that it will be. this has been the season that just doesn’t end! it’s been exhausting to be going in at 2/3 am and even when we’re not… well … even when we’re not they are still very, very, very long days!

its still a job, i am grateful for being employed at all now…even if its hard sometimes… but i have this job and have for 5 years … and i should be happy that now i’m full time. most of the people are great that i work with and tat makes it so much easier.

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately and i don’t like it. I see friends of mine having babies and buying houses and moving forward … and I’ve not even found a new dentist that can put up with someone as difficult and with as many problems as i have. We’re still going to the doctors, we still cant have children yet… and the girl who’s my best work friend is pregnant and can’t stop talking to me about it because i know what its like to loose children and she miscarried one. they weren’t even trying for a year though … i know that’s still bad and i should have more sympathy for her. i love her and shes a great friend but i just feel like its not fair…. I’m broken in so many ways and everyone else is so normal. i’m tired of being so broken but there’s so much about me that can’t be fixed or takes a very long time to… i hate it.

i know that we’re in a different place in our lives with me being out of school … i just want to be back there where its safe and i know whats going on. this doesn’t feel right to me to be out of school. like i wasted all those years and all this money to get a degree that i cant use…. so i work in the store doing something that i like … but its not what i hoped to do with my life…. so i guess that’s ok… that’s just how it is… but it makes even doing stuff on here harder because i feel like whats the point? Whats the point?

i’m so bad, i’ve not done the things i need to do even .. i need to finish rewriting lesson 3, get the shielding stuff to a friend of mine … finish lesson 17… but i have nothing…even the book im suppose to be working on i have nothing making me want to do it. So where does that leave me now? With nothing but a dead end job with rude, hateful management that makes my life stink…. and i need to find a way to think through these things and find a way to make them better. i know there has to be a way to make them better. im just not trying hard enough, like everything in my stupid life i don’t do anything good enough, hard enough or better enough its why I’m a failure at everything, everywhere. i cant even have living children. I make good dead ones though…. it’s not fair! it’s not fair and i am sick of it.

well … i should get back to lesson 17 so maybe, someday i get my first degree… but again, it wouldn’t be the first time that i’ve gotten to this point and almost got to completing my first degree and then would be told by the coven teaching me that i’m not good enough and they don’t want me anymore. Somehow i feel like thats just how my life is. So i guess im dragging my feet hoping that i’m not just kicked out right at the end like i was at my last coven. (That was because i went to seminary to try to help with interfaith communication and they didn’t want me). I keep forgetting that im not special. anyone can do that and people can. I’m just another loser trying to get through

and with that, i’m going to go plunk through and get ready for another doctors appointment. It always goes the same way… talk, it hurts, i cry and we leave disappointed. at least i’m prepared

I need to find more optimism and things to look forward to … because i am just so frustrated with all of this and i just want to get a chance to be normal…

When the elephant in the room is a bunny



There are freaking days when i feel like nothing i say or do is right…. so now she says that she’s not ‘attacking’ me. I think that they proved well enough that they are perfectly able to find out whatever they want about me without ever having to talk to me about it. Somehow after that happened I lost my desire to talk to them about anything deep or important in my life. That’s so wrong.

but really, freaking really, YOU MADE THIS. I did too … but YOU made this but never talking to him … by calling the wrong person and not  when you had the chance. you still always do but you have made your own choices. those are your choices! no one told you not to talk to him … you did that yourself.

my Mom 9:32 pm:   ok lets just keep the elephant!!!   if i ask anything u only say ‘im sorry’   i am not looking for sorry or blame all i am trying to figure out is why if you love this man so much you could not wait to get back on christmas   why i am not allowed to ask you any questions

perhaps you’re asking the wrong person these questions, or perhaps you lost your right to know the answer to any of these things … or maybe I feel like that no answer i have will ever be good enough because the information i have is never complete enough. How is that?? Maybe if you asked me like a normal person … like asked me nicely like i mattered to you as more than a source of ulsers. Yes, I am your kid and i suppose that means something but if it was so important why did you do what i did. and how will i ever be able to talk about this. 

my Mom 9:36 pm: since you live together what the hell difference does it make what i would think or say   u are doing what u want and i am not ATTACKING YOU  Here i was making small talk believe it or not

Small talk?? Sure! nothing sounds more like small talk to me than " when are you going to tell me how you met??" 

oh yeah that totally sounds like great small talk to me, so i guess that i’m totally defensive over it … and don’t tell me why i don’t remember or how i don’t remember when …

my Mom 9:27 pm:     u went out of your way to be deceitful to me and now u say u dont remember…..see thats what confuses me

i went out of my way to try to get you involved in my life in the way that you always had been. so i made up shit to tell you in order to have conversation because i think that naturally i have nothing to say about anything but its required of me to talk. So i made one of the biggest mistakes of my life … and somehow i was too ignorant, young, unaccountable, stupid and felt like i owed all of those answers and was ashamed of myself that the one thing in my life i felt was worth it was something they would take from me like they tried to take everything else. I remember the first letter i mailed to Vic way back when … I will never forget the day my father told me that he hired the Private Investigator … and that Vic didn’t really exist there was no one with that name there … but we were minors …of course … i see it now and think you’re both so insane for doing that!!!! and then what you did to Barbara … to do that is sign of a true mental patient. You’re not going to like anything i tell you.

i am a good person … i have problems, but i am a good person … but dear lord when i get pregnant its going to get weird.

Sometimes
Everything you’ve ever wanted
Floats above
He’s sticking out his tongue and laughing
While everything
Anyone can ever need Is down below
Waiting for you To know this

There’s never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you’ve forgotten
And that’s to learn to live with what you are

You got to learn to live with what you are – Ben Folds


I suck …


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my mom 9:15 pm
(9:15:14 PM):     
i agree

(9:15:21 PM):     when are u going to tell me how u two met
Me9:15 pm
(9:15:26 PM):     
so what happened with the cieling
my mom 9:16 pm
(9:16:08 PM):     
arg the @#$%&*-! ceiling…..  still not finished more tomorrow what a pain in the ass    didu see my question
Me9:16 pm
(9:16:14 PM):     
yes i did
(9:16:19 PM):     
but i was typing mine at the same time
my mom 9:16 pm
(9:16:27 PM):     
things cross
Me9:16 pm
(9:16:37 PM):     
i didn’t know that still mattered.
(9:16:39 PM):     
yes they do
(9:16:48 PM):     
i saw your message after you started typing a reply to me
my mom 9:17 pm
(9:17:15 PM):     
i guess that is why i am asking now

(9:17:28 PM):     it doesnt
Me9:19 pm
(9:19:21 PM):     
ok
my mom 9:19 pm
(9:19:43 PM):     
u know what…. keep it…. i give up i wont ask anything ever
Me9:19 pm
(9:19:49 PM):     
I’m trying to remember it
my mom 9:20 pm
(9:20:03 PM):     
this is so stupid we dance around it and i dont want to do it anymore
Me9:20 pm
(9:20:15 PM):     
I don’t know what to do!
Me9:21 pm
(9:21:41 PM):     
i really don’t
my mom 9:22 pm
(9:22:19 PM):     
?
Me9:22 pm
(9:22:46 PM):     
I’m trying to remember how we met. when it happened it was not that important and it was through someone else. So I kinda filed it under "so what".
my mom 9:23 pm
(9:23:30 PM):     
keep it
Me9:23 pm
(9:23:49 PM):     
ooh! did you see that Obama backs the mosque in NYC?
my mom 9:23 pm
(9:23:56 PM):     
yes
Me9:24 pm
(9:24:05 PM):     
i just saw the update!
my mom 9:24 pm
(9:24:45 PM):     
i have to say this…..

(9:24:54 PM):     u are doing what u want to do…. i accept that

(9:25:05 PM):     however  its like there is an elephant in the room

(9:25:15 PM):     i dont know know why you dont claim it

(9:25:17 PM):     i just dont know
my mom 9:26 pm
(9:26:07 PM):     
and iwhenever iask u a question u either turn it back on me and dont answer it  or you dont remember or you tell me something else and i dont understnad that and i just have to say that
Me9:26 pm
(9:26:46 PM):     
well, like how we met was a long time ago and i didn’t exactly care at that point. i know i was playing that game with other people too, that was more important to me.
my mom 9:27 pm
(9:27:20 PM):     
u went out of your way to be deceitful to me and now u say u dont remember…..see thats what confuses me

(9:27:31 PM):     never mind like i said a few paragraphs ago…
Me9:28 pm
(9:28:05 PM):     
yes, and now i will never be alble to get away from it it no matter what i do. i get that too.
Me9:28 pm
(9:28:08 PM):     
able*
(9:28:17 PM):     
and i know I’m obviously not doing enough about that either
my mom 9:28 pm
(9:28:18 PM):     
what are u talking about
Me9:28 pm
(9:28:25 PM):     
you just brought up what i did
(9:28:27 PM):     
so there it is
my mom 9:28 pm
(9:28:58 PM):     
see i dont get that… u will never be able to get away from it you say……. but u  never addressed it

(9:29:43 PM):     and obviously u still arent ready to talk openly to me without saying stuff like u are not doing enough about it…  i am not asking u to do anything am I
Me9:31 pm
(9:31:52 PM):     
i don’t even know where to start or stop with it. and some of it i do, really, don’t remember. so then i don’t want to SAY anything and be thought that i’m lying when im not because i said something and then im wrong and then it’s a lie
my mom 9:32 pm
(9:32:36 PM):     
ok lets just keep the elephant!!!

(9:33:51 PM):     if i ask anything u only say ‘im sorry’   i am not looking for sorry or blame all i am trying to figure out is why if you love this man so much you could not wait to get back on christmas   why i am not allowed to ask you any questions
Me9:34 pm
(9:34:21 PM):     
because i know nothing i say will be good enough, or detailed enoughed, or right enough
(9:34:30 PM):     
wow i spelled that one good.
(9:34:43 PM):     
so i guess i do whats worse and say nothing
(9:34:46 PM):     
and thats stupid
my mom 9:34 pm
(9:34:48 PM):     
that just makes my stomach hurt

(9:35:15 PM):     i ask a question that i dont know the answer to and you answer and its not good enough’/

(9:35:31 PM):     i asked how u met?  how is that hard?  and no dont tell me now
Me9:35 pm
(9:35:43 PM):     
ok