i need to write more in here again… i miss it
sorry… its hot… and im weird. i’ll delete the post when i’m done doing everything else i have to do this evening ….
that stupid apron, my mother got it for me a few years ago and its cute … but i feel like an idiot so much lately when i think of things that i say. a long time ago i wanted to play a game with that stupid thing and see it on him when we got the problem fixed. but like so many other things i did it's just so stupid. The longer and longer it takes to get this fixed the worse and worse i feel when i look at things, or think about myself from a year or so ago.
I had a lot of hope when we stopped going to therapy a month ago, thinking that maybe without all the poking and prodding that i might feel more like working on it with him, and somehow all it did was just become more of a chore and worse to want to do. Him, its trying … its something. me its just failure after failure after failure …. over and over and over … every single time. and i am so tired of it. So i don't try and then he's stressed out and upset.
so i found the damn apron when i was cleaning and today i told him i was throwing it out, and he got upset with me. Why!? you never wanted to do that in the first place. and i've had no indications that anything is ever going to get better. we could go to this damn therapy for 100 years and then someone will be dead and it'll just be as bad now as it ever was. Where the hell am i suppose to find hope in this. I don't have any at all anymore. Everything that reminds me of how much i've failed as a wife and a friend and everything just makes me feel worse.
There's so many things i always need to work on, every single day there's something else i see that i do as a failure… and then i write something like this and i feel like a drama llama because everything feels like such shit. I can't be the person everyone wants and needs me to be. it seems like such a damn loosing battle. He does so much for me, and tries so hard and god i know he's upset with me all the time … that he's sad all the time and i just make it worse… i can't do anything that makes him happy… he says he is, but those eyes don't say that.
I cant fix everything that needs to be fixed and i can't give up either, so i just feel more and more like a failure everyday. I don't know what to do about it. I am just so tired of talking, i'm so tired of making him feel bad … and i'm so tired of always looking at him when i get up and think that he might be sleeping and feel like … i know the choices he made for me and because of me … and its just such a big mistake. that he could have done so much better and been with someone who's perfect. not me. not someone who's a complainer that cant keep a clean house or make good dinner and just be everything he wants and needs.
and all i do is make him mad at me … because i don't know what to say or do most of the time … i don't know how to do anything and i don't know what to say… so i talk too much and say the wrong things when i just think i should be quiet. I wish i could just be quiet … but then i get told that its not going to make anything better either … i don't know what to do … i never know what to do. and i say such stupid, stupid shit. why couldn't i have just not screwed up so much when i first met him, maybe none of this would have ever happened… maybe things would be better. and the stupid thing is that i love him … and i do what i can to show him that i love him … but its like… you stupid little shit … you stupid worthless little shit, you're doing EVERYTHING WRONG. and he's still miserable and stressed and not sleeping and … and i don't forget that he's pretty much said i'm killing him… and i see it. I keep having these horrible nightmares about loosing him and its all my fault. you think that would make this worthless piece of shit fix things … but no, I'm too stupid for that.
ugh … i needed to get this out … a lot … and i feel like i shouldn't even post it … but i will because maybe it'll keep me from posting it again eventually …. i should go try to clean our house … try… and it won't be good enough, at least for me.
happy 4th everyone … I’m off to the wegmans for yet another fun day of cake decorating. i hope the bosses don’t show up today … that would make this a true national holiday
oh wait … even when they’re there it’s not like they work!
this week was my wedding anniversary, we’ve been together 5 years but married less than that (of course). I was worried because Xamp got sick on Saturday with a migraine so bad i wanted to come home and take him to the hospital for it. I get very worried when things like that happen, especially when they’ve not for a little while. I had to be at work at 2am too, so by the time i found out that he was sick (he called me) it was almost 4am and i didn’t know what to do.
I told him I’d find my own way home, and i did. i love him and i didn’t want him to try to drive when he was so sick. The sad thing was that i requested Wednesday off for us to be together. So i get out of work and find out that there is a LANTA bus that could take me back to Bethlehem but its over at the shopping mall across the highway, so i cross the highway and miss the bus!!!! It was for a good thing though, because i was able to walk around for a bit and be able to get Xamps anniversary present! 😀 I know it was something he really wanted and was talking about for a long time. I was so worried because i was trying to be careful with money so i could afford it.
I had to go home early because of that … and i was so tired Diana demanded that i go home. She even had a talk with the bosses about me coming in at 2am and that it has to stop. Jamie (department head) said she changed the schedule … but she didn’t, so when i asked to leave at 8:30 she thought i was loosing 4 hour of time instead of 45 minutes. she got yelled at by ne of the store managers.
but back to the present i got for my guy!
it’s the new PaintShop PhotoPro X3, it was so expensive but i was so happy to get it for him. i got a cute bag too with an Owl on it at HobbyLobby. So, i still had an hour for the bus so i got the idea to call a friend of mine who owed me a favor and i was able to get home!! Joyce was awesome to come get me and take me home. I was sooo excited to give him his present! I didn’t want to have to try to hang onto it until Wednesday/Thursday especailly since he’d have to work.
we had a decent rest of the day … things are work at hard for me to talk about. My bosses are very difficult and are making and lot of trouble for me. I dont always know what to do about it, and i am so tired of being in the office for trouble like this. I feel like i should talk about it, but i feel like all i do is talk about it
so i went in the next day … it was ok but one of the girls i work with reminded Jamie that part of the problem is that she says things and never does them. I went in at 2am and was home in time to go to sleep and make the house a little nicer. I had to work straight through until Wednesday and that was a very, very sad day for me. I went to the store, did the wash… came home. He sent me a cute e-card… it was very sweet… it was happy Meteorite day. I’ve never heard of that, and it was very unexpected. the rest of the day was just long and boring.
yesterday was the nice day!! we went out to olive garden for lunch, and we went and got books to read and a new cabinet for the living room. my book is good, and his i think is good and im going to read it when hes done.
i worked today … everyone at work was upset when i told them how the anniversary went because they said that its not an anniversary card… and i said i was suprised. They wanted to know what he did for me, i said he does a lot for me all year. whats one day…..
ok, all for now.