I hardly slept last night … I had nightmare after nightmare….over and over again…
The first one was when i woke up at 3am but wasn’t awake enough to know that I was awake … I went to reach for my moble that keeps its place under my pillow every night. I keep it there because Davis and I talk every night before I fall asleep. It wasn’t there … I must have thought back to the other night when my mother came in to play the window game and open the windows and thought she knew about the other phone and took it from my in my sleep … I franticaly started to look for it … the wire was on the floor … and the phone was missing … I didn’t have time to think clearly yet… it was so dark and I was so scared that she had it … She’d be getting me .. .
Before I went to bed … i think i posted this… she was on my back about how i was lying to her and that she was going to get me the next day for it. We talked about it …that was the “What kind of staker are you” thing …
but then I started rummaging through my backpack. it wasn’t in there [or so i thought] it was gone… what was I going to do. it was GONE! Then I looked in the back, back pocket of my backpack I mean … it was there, with the bracelet and it was safe… but i don’t remember putting it there. When I finally surfaced this morning from my room (my father came to get me at 8:10 because i wasn’t down yet and had to work at 9) …no one said anything about a new phone in my room. no one woke me up because of finding something and no one was furious at me.
… last night my father said goodnight to me… we don’t really say good nights like that in this house. Everyone just goes to bed. you say goodnight down the hallway. He came to my door and said good night and told me that I’m special to him, even though i am a big difficult at times. He actually seemed like a Dad when he did that. I wanted to spill my guts when he did that but i was on the phone with my davis like every night and I know better. I just have to remember that he’s not my dad. I don’t have to tell them anything if I don’t want to about my personal life … but we’ll cover that more later.
There was another nightmare my wallet was wide open on the floor, my innitial heart tag, engadgement ring and something else was on the floor infront of the fish tank and my mother came in and found it. No way to get myself out of that one … i wasn’t in the room
this was the worst nightmare of them all. Everyone who knows me… everyone at all who knows me knows that i’m a very clucky girl… I talk with Davis about Bianca all the time and dream about her… wonderful happy little dreams of being an adult and having a life. My mother told me that he already had his life … I’m the one that’s missing out. I can’t call what i’ve had all these years a life. Hardly in my mind.
but the dream seemed like it was soon. It seemed like it was happening in the next few months … i went and got an abortion … told no one about it… i finally cracked a little bit after that and told my Davis who was furious at me… I woke up so upset and shaken up. I saw myself looking at the test … the two of us were together and pretended to be happy when really i wanted to die. I played along with it like i was happy and really was dying inside… too scared to say anything …and one day when he went to work I made an appointment to have the abortion … he was at work.,.. i went and had it done… I kept going on that i was still pregnant and after a little while of this game is when I told him. I started to lie when i told him… said it was a misscarrage but how could i lie like that when i’m trying to become a more honest person and to get rid of that defense? … so I told him the truth. We were sitting on our bed and he had to get up. He didn’t stay sitting beside me he was so upset. That was not something i thought of but thats how it went… then he sat back down and hugged me. he was so furious so very furious at me for doing that.
so… this morning after i washed my hair… got my act together and got into the car to get to work and (be late by 4 minutes) I told him what the dream was. He promised me we would not let that happen until after i was releaced from these people. it would not happen … but he reminded me that he was conserned about things like that a while back and i said it was impossiable and i explained to him what i meant…. that it was always something in my mind …that it was one of the causes of the sex problem… he said it wouldn’t happen, we wouldn’t let it happen
…I believe him, I trust him … I try not to lie to him… it’s a defense mechanism…someone reply to me….