Monthly Archives: July 2006

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i got NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS DS today … its fun… its amusing…

im like.. off track with my posting …

oh, and my job sucks, but Kristin is getting fired. YAY… i hope karma doesn’t get me for that one

…and there’s the wicca lady… among other things…

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God I’m such a freak ….

…I got ALL of the Destinie’s child Cds from the library and im going to put them on my IPOD … What the hell is wrong with me? I never thought I liked them and all of a suddent its like … woah

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what i do at work…


So.. I work as an ice cream cake decorator and I decided to start my portfolio…

The bosses daughters birthday cake

The cake of Love (I took this in the freezer)

almost finished… but not quite…


This one was so evil.. it’s iced in chocolate ice cream…i just had to put on the M&Ms … i took this in the walkin too


This got sold to the parents of a 3 month old puppy. I love this cake it’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!

well thats all for now!! 🙂 opinions anyone

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Nightmares ….I am so tired


I hardly slept last night … I had nightmare after nightmare….over and over again…

The first one was when i woke up at 3am but wasn’t awake enough to know that I was awake … I went to reach for my moble that keeps its place under my pillow every night. I keep it there because Davis and I talk every night before I fall asleep. It wasn’t there … I must have thought back to the other night when my mother came in to play the window game and open the windows and thought she knew about the other phone and took it from my in my sleep … I franticaly started to look for it … the wire was on the floor … and the phone was missing … I didn’t have time to think clearly yet… it was so dark and I was so scared that she had it … She’d be getting me .. .

Before I went to bed … i think i posted this… she was on my back about how i was lying to her and that she was going to get me the next day for it. We talked about it …that was the “What kind of staker are you” thing …

but then I started rummaging through my backpack. it wasn’t in there [or so i thought] it was gone… what was I going to do. it was GONE!  Then I looked in the back, back pocket of my backpack I mean … it was there, with the bracelet and it was safe… but i don’t remember putting it there. When I finally surfaced this morning from my room (my father came to get me at 8:10 because i wasn’t down yet and had to work at 9) …no one said anything about a new phone in my room. no one woke me up because of finding something and no one was furious at me.

~*~

… last night my father said goodnight to me… we don’t really say good nights like that in this house. Everyone just goes to bed. you say goodnight down the hallway. He came to my door and said good night and told me that I’m special to him, even though i am a big difficult at times. He actually seemed like a Dad when he did that. I wanted to spill my guts when he did that but i was on the phone with my davis like every night and I know better. I just have to remember that he’s not my dad. I don’t have to tell them anything if I don’t want to about my personal life … but we’ll cover that more later.

~*~

There was another nightmare my wallet was wide open on the floor, my innitial heart tag, engadgement ring and something else was on the floor infront of the fish tank and my mother came in and found it. No way to get myself out of that one … i wasn’t in the room

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this was the worst nightmare of them all. Everyone who knows me… everyone at all who knows me knows that i’m a very clucky girl… I talk with Davis about Bianca all the time and dream about her… wonderful happy little dreams of being an adult and having a life. My mother told me that he already had his life … I’m the one that’s missing out. I can’t call what i’ve had all these years a life. Hardly in my mind.

but the dream seemed like it was soon. It seemed like it was happening in the next few months … i went and got an abortion … told no one about it… i finally cracked a little bit after that and told my Davis who was furious at me… I woke up so upset and shaken up. I saw myself looking at the test … the two of us were together and pretended to be happy when really i wanted to die. I played along with it like i was happy and really was dying inside… too scared to say anything …and one day when he went to work I made an appointment to have the abortion … he was at work.,.. i went and had it done… I kept going on that i was still pregnant and after a little while of this game is when I told him. I started to lie when i told him… said it was a misscarrage but how could i lie like that when i’m trying to become a more honest person and to get rid of that defense? … so I told him the truth. We were sitting on our bed and he had to get up. He didn’t stay sitting beside me he was so upset. That was not something i thought of but thats how it went… then he sat back down and hugged me. he was so furious so very furious at me for doing that.

so… this morning after i washed my hair… got my act together and got into the car to get to work and (be late by 4 minutes) I told him what the dream was. He promised me we would not let that happen until after i was releaced from these people. it would not happen … but he reminded me that he was conserned about things like that a while back and i said it was impossiable and i explained to him what i meant…. that it was always something in my mind …that it was one of the causes of the sex problem… he said it wouldn’t happen, we wouldn’t let it happen

…I believe him, I trust him … I try not to lie to him… it’s a defense mechanism…someone reply to me….

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I can’t talk


I can’t talk to my mother. They got the phonebill for the other phone and they want to know what kind of person am I? that i’m lying to them again that my friend (xamp) is more than my friend … that I’m lying to them about what it is between us .

It was a normal day at this address … they got the phone bill and i’m just making trouble… that i have 1000 text messages… i went over and totalled out with 1400 … what am I doing that i keep going over on this and we made an agreement. I have to get my life in order. That I’m lying to them and they’re tired of me lying to them. But how is it that something i think that is no ones business other than mine and his becomes there. I understand that….

What kind of stalker am I she asked me …

What kind of stalker am I

and now I’m ready to cry again. I don’t want life to be this way. I don’t want life to end up this way… so do i have to put everything down here right now? Everything down in words? Because i think I can …

So here’s the big fucking deal!!!!!

We met on furcadia in the early summer of last year … we met in refur… I got attached… I started talking to my mother about this person I was talking to online that I knew and we were building a dream together on Furcadia… his name was Joshua… then I started lying … said he went to my school… said he was around my age… made up a whole creation so that I could talk about him.. talk about us talking … talk about the webcam and things that were damn real to me but were totally fake to everyone else.

I made that my reality.

I have no reality. So I lied… I brought things like my football games … things like weekends … all sorts of crazy things… all sorts of overlying … because I wanted it to seem like I had a friend my age… someone close to me that maybe they would approve of. I knew if they had any idea what was going on they would go totally insane.

I found out he was married. … I pulled away…. then we got closer again … then I tried to pull away again and get myself out before it was too late… but I was already inlove with him. I knew everything I was doing was going to get me into deep, deep trouble. But my longterm planning was never a forte of mine. I always wanted things to be okay for the next five minutes.

Then everything came out … it came out good… all of the lies came out … at least some of them came out because I overlied… they wanted to know why I overlied… what it was that caused me to do it. … I know what caused me to do it because i’ve been lying like this since I was at least in second grade. Do you want me to go into that too?

My mother told me … she gave up her life to raise me… she gave up her career her everything to become a stay-at-home mom so that she could do the best for me that she could. The absolute best and give me everything that she thought I needed. … But she told me never to lie … that she never told a lie… she never lies at all and all it does is end up badly in the end for everyone but I never felt like I was right, like I was good enough for her or for anyone… I felt like I had to tell her things that weren’t true because if I didn’t then maybe she would know how lonely I was on the inside… that maybe things would be different if I told her that Joe Evans got detention again for some stupid thing … or that the money for the green saucer was int he bottom of my closet even though it realy came out of the “bunnykins” bank on my fathers dresser and even showed them a spot… I just thought it was something and it workd. It never REALLY worked but it worked for the moment and as long as I sounded like I had friends and I knew it was all a load of crap and all of it would come out in the end that it would be okay,

I don’t like to think that I’m a liar by nature … I don’t like to think that everything in my reality are lies that i’ve created because I’m not a good person at all. That I’ve become this thing that’s not worth their time. They’re paying for my college, for my everything and all I do is lie to them … I try so hard to tell them the truth but I don’t want to dissapoint them. I feel like no matter what I do its going to be a dissapointment to them.

And I need to get better answers than “ok” … or things like that. She’s sick of hearing them. …I feel like I’m a lost soul… and I’m not being a drama queen when I say it… I feel like inside of me there is a little 6 year old who wants the chance to start again … begging to get a chance to do this horriable life over again and see what would happen …but then i might never know him… and i don’t think that is worth it.

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Dunkin Dunkin Dunkin ….


this has nothing to do with dunkin …

they got the phone bill … my father checked all of my calls online and all of my text messages to see who they were too …

they were to xamp

my father toldme nothing in my life would cause me to be this way … or something to that effect

I’m in so much trouble again
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ow


Today a heavy box and a cake fell on my head … it hurt … it was a box of two frozen like bricks cakes … they were on the top shelf and i was trying to get them down alone even though i told my parents that it was both decorators trying to get them down …

*sighs* Davis came out to see me after i said what happened. I didn’t get to spend enough time with him …

I got home and got yelled at … mail the checkbook … i have problems because this isn’t my top priority … it should be… its money… so i mailed it …we sat and talked at the post office for a while ….

and i’ve run out of things to say

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I hate money…


i really think im going to throw up before the end of the night …

but i made a nifty cake today… i miss my tip money and i open the store all next week…

bostaff then too…

no vacation day until next thursday … hopefully the paycheck will be nice … i wish i’d get overtime..

xamp gets out of work at 11 tonight… i promised i would wait up for him… i want to wait up for him. i better be able to make it to 11 … and then time to talk to him…

oh and i am VERY clucky

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YAY


Dr.Kelly got back to me with the list of books I need for next semester! That means when I get home from work today I can start on the hunt for the cheapist textbooks around for her class…

the funnyist thing is that shes using a text i had to have for one of my first st.paul classes … that I think I sold back… I really hope I still have it

…Now off to the shower and to my cluckyness before work