My family sucks.. There’s a lot of language in this post… be warned

Well, you know how I said I had those Goo goo Dolls tickets? Well, now my motherfucking father who never wanted to go but was going to take me anyway dropped the bomb on me about how much he doesn’t want to go and I better get another way to get there… Well now, Doesn’t my lifeFUCKING SUCK I’m so tired of all this bullshit happening to me.. That guy is such a jackass! Sometimes I hate everyone is this house! I mean, this is just the breaking point!

Every god damned fucking weekend he gets all shitty with everyone! Then I usually get the fucking entire day ruined by being screamed at every time I try to eat anything, Every meal… even out at a restaurant he’ll start about what I need to do, didn’t so, should have done… just condescending on me every 2 seconds. And I have a mouth and an attitude and I damn well use it! Because I’m tired of this!

Yes! I SNAPPED AT HIS ASS last night! Because I can’t even move without his fucking criticism! And it’s every weekend and everything for YEARS!!!

Yeah Mike, I’m calling you a liar! … I signed on to see if Victor was on… I know he’s not going to be, he told me a few days back that stuff was probably going to happen… I worry about him so much… Stuff isn’t going so great for him right now and it really bothers me that there’s nothing I can do to help him… at least until I’m out of this hole…

It just killed me last night to see the pictures of when Alieah got to visit her sweetie Ian down there. He’s in Charlotte… And she’s from Canada. And she was aloud to go see him and stay down there a week! BY HERSELF and I’m not aloud to see anyone I want to! I mean… College is my only way to go see him… and Doug…

Doug is a totally different post all together… I mean… totally… And he doesn’t have LJ, so some of these posts I’ve left open so he can see them… Well, there are some things people don’t need to see. I spent a good couple of hour’s last night just sitting up thinking about what I should do… And I remembered he told me that there’s an SDT ((Sensory Depravation tank)) In Chapel Hill… So I’m thinking when I’m in college make a pilgrimage down to UNC Chapel Hill and have myself locked in one of those for a few hours. From what Doug told me, it’s just a tank with some shallow water in it and you lay in it until you want to get out. You can’t hear anything, feel anything. Total Isolation…

Sounds cool to me. I’d spend some time there; maybe it’ll do me some good? **shrugs**

I’ll get my head on straight for once, and have some real time to think about everything… **sighs**

Maybe I will talk about Doug in this one… Maybe It’ll get some of the stress out of my system. I talked to Wayne FrozenPrince And we kinda have the same problem but different, he needs to tell a girl he’s madly in love with that he loves her, and he has a week to do it. That’s as long as he’s going to be by her. And I have Doug, Who’s madly in love with me… and he wants me to be his… and I thought about this last night too… Wayne and I but promised each other to keep the other in our thoughts as we go through this week and try to get everything into a relative calm… ANYway… Doug loves me so much, like I’m his ideal woman… and I really care about him too… but not in the same way! I mean… he wants me to really leave Vicci. And I can’t just throw 3 years of dedication and love out the window because someone new came along! That’s not right. I mean, we have out Ups and Downs… but nothing more then that. And DOUG KNOWS THIS PROBABLY WON’T WORK. But he’s still trying… and I feel bad because I do think that I’m leading him on in a way… Right now I don’t know what the chances are, and I’m tired of him hurting over me… And I’m too scared to tell him. It’s not like Vic and I aren’t going to break it off someday, But I mean, I’m not going to be at UNCG for another 2 years and Doug’s still trying to force me into making a choice when I’m not ready to do it! And If I had any balls at all I’d take this post off private and let him see! I don’t want to see anyone hurting like this. But I’m suffering, He is… and the problem is that this is ruining my life every other way…. I mean, I’m loosing everything around me because I need to get my life in shape… I felt good yesterday… but now with my dad, and me thinking last night I just feel worse… This isn’t supposed to be this way… But I’m not sure what way it’s supposed to be.

I want Doug as a friend and nothing more… but he really wants me to be his girl… he has dreams of us getting married… I just can’t see marrying someone really religious. I’m a cold blooded Atheist. And he wants a church wedding, and all that rot… And if things did happen between us, I’d go with it. Hate every minute of it because that’s how I am, But go through with it with little or no complaining. See, I decided when I get to college I was never going to church again and Well; he wants me to go with him too… I have no problems with going… but I have to go to Catholic Church now… what if I screw something up?! It’s probably more then just “sit stand kneel” And I’m a Choir girl, we just stand in the balcony and sing! Nothing really else… ooooooooh… He just got so upset over the Quote I have in my AIM info “Oh Juliet, you’re such a groseout but I love you anyway” and when I kinda adopted Vic’s LJ. I told him. He didn’t have one and I wanted to be part of the community! And besides, it was there and so was I! I didn’t put the comment I wanted to put! So stop you’re bitching!

Besides… I don’t even think I’ve known Doug long enough to make a decision… Victor and I had something real there. We became nuts over each other. and there was nothing else to hide, it just happened to the both of us… I know everyone’s probably heard this story, so I’m not going to tell it again… but if you wanna know ask me ##^-^## Is it bad to feel like a china doll?

it’s also great when you do a post at 8am and can’t post it until almost 10….

Eminem – Cleaning out my closet

Album: The Eminem Show (2002)
Song: Cleaning Out My Closet

Verse 1
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have, I’ve been protested and demonstrated against
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes. Look at the times. Sick is the mind of the motha fuckin’ kid that’s behind
all this commotion. Emotions run deep as ocean’s explodin.’ Tempers flaring from parents, just blow ’em off and keep goin.’
Not takin ‘nothin’ from no one, give ’em hell long as I’m breathin.’ Keep kickin’ ass in the mornin,’ an’ takin’ names in the evening.
Leavem with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth. See, they can trigger me but they never figure me out
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now. Ain’t you mama, I’ma make you look so ridiculous now.

Chorus (2X)
I’m sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet.

Verse 2
I got some skeletons in my closet and I don’t know if no one knows it. So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it,
I’ma expose it. I’ll take you back to 73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin’ CD.
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months. My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch,
cuz he split. I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye. No, I don’t on second thought, I just fuckin’ wished he would die.
look at Hailie and I couldn’t picture leavin’ her side. Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I’d try
to make it work with her at least for Hailie’s sake. I maybe made some mistakes but I’m only human. But I’m man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun.
Cuz id’a killed ’em, shit I would have shot Kim an’ him both. It’s my life, I’d like to welcome y’all to The Eminem Show.

Chorus (2X)

Verse 3
Now I would never dis my own mama just to get recognition. Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin’
But put yourself in my position. Just try to envision witnessin’ your Mama poppin’ prescription pills in the kitchen,
bitchin’ that someone’s always goin’ throuh her purse and shits missin’. Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchausen’s syndrome.
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn’t ’til I grew up, now I blew up. It makes you sick to ya stomach,
doesn’t it? Wasn’t it the reason you made that CD for me, Ma? So you could try to justify the way you treated me, Ma?
But guess what, yer getting’ older now and it’s cold when your lonely. An’ Nathan’s getting’ up so quick, he’s gonna know that your phoney.
And Hailie’s getting’ so big now, you should see her, she’s beautiful. But you’ll never see her, she won’t even be at your funeral.
See what hurts me the most is you won’t admit you was wrong. Bitch, do ya song. Keep tellin’ yourself that you was a mom.
But how dare you try to take what you didn’t help me to get. You selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin’ burn in hell for this shit.
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me? Well, guess what, I am dead. Dead to you as can be.

Chorus (4X)

I do – Lisa loeb

I Do
Written by Lisa Loeb

When I’m done with thinking,then I’m done with you.
When I’m done with crying, then I’m done with you.
When I feel so tired, then I’m done with you.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way –

And I do.
You can’t hear it, but I do.
You can’t hear it, but I do.

You’re trying to convince me that what I’ve done’s not right.
I get so frustrated, I stay up every night.
You ask me for an answer, and I’m so tired and I’m up in the air.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feel this way –

And I do.
You can’t hear it, but I do.
You can’t hear it, but I’m feeling this way just because you say

I will be ignored.
I will be denied.
I could be erased.
I could be brushed aside.
I will get scared, and I will get shoved down,
but I feel like I do because you push me around.

I’m starting to ignore you, I’ve doubted you so long.
I tired of over thinking, I no you don’t belong.
Now I’m asking questions – no one pushes me around.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feel this way –

And I do.
You can’t hear it, but I do.
You don’t seem angry, but I do.
I do.