The Squirrel Puddle song…

Beatles – Blackbird Lyrics

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Title: Blackbird
Artist: The Beatles
Album: The White Album

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

I’ve never kept anything like this from my mommy

…but at 11:10 I ahve an appointment with a doctor to get a referral to go see a neurologist about these jerking things. I want a real answer finally. I want the answer I deserve…. but Im’ really scared and Xamp is doing everything to get me to calm down and not worry but I am… I’m so scared I want to cry.

We think we know exactally what it is…and my parents will know anyway when they go get the bill… I just… I just don’t know…the insurance would have to cover it. Right?

…so right now I’m in spazmatic mode… Joycee said she’ll be there for me at 11:30 because they never run ontime or like they say they will. I shouldn’t be scared at all. No. I shouldn’t be scared…this isn’t the big appointment that might be to come.

…. but how do I tell my mammy all these things I never have before? I never talked about it before or wanted to talk about it I always tried to avoid it so no one knew what was going on. What if they think I’m only faking it or don’t find anything? What if its just a waste of everyones money and they think I need to be put into an instution because its all psychological….. oh dear god what if it is all in my mind and I really am insane!

… i need to shut up and stop this entry before i really do wig out. I have to get up north anyway… more writing when Im’ back and know more of whats going on.

….I wish my fucking ipod worked right now. Classic Tom Waits or some good ol’ Goo Goo Dolls always did the trick for me…

Psychotic thought of the day…

I wanted to kill myself a minute ago… I had those thoughts go into my head that I wouldn’t mess their things up anymore if I was gone… I didn’t think of how to do it, just to do it. I know… not mature at all. I know how to deal with my problems and be adult about it I don’t need the escape like that… although sometimes………


… I don’t really think like that.
Don’t get too worried I’ll be over it.
Just something that happens when I get upset

I’m sorry


Last afternoon when I was going to go to pfaltzgrap with my mother I go to back the PT cruser out of the driveway… even if I had to pull it straight back in and wasn’t allowed out of the driveway it was still one of the coolest expierences of my life

and its white…I loved the blue rental my father had before but I wasn’t allowed to drive that because of my wrist …


For once I thought I got everything right…. For once I thought I did something thart it was just going to be “wow, the cookies are nice” …. but I didn’t… as usual I forgot to do something…I thought I did it all… I thought that I put everything away… I washed and put away my dishes, I covered my extra and put it away not on the top shelf, I put away all the materials…


I left my laptop plugged in on the kitchen table and didn’t take it with me like I should ahve so I got yelled at for that. I’m not allowed to leave it on here I was told its a waste of electricity… and it wasn’t sitting in the right place to be left on…it was about two in the morning and I would have dropped it, but I should have moved it to the other room and I didn’t

I didn’t put the just whites back where I should have and they were open but I thought I covered them with press and seal wrap so they wouldn’t spill but they did anyway and got all over so they made a mess…I shouls have gotten up at 6 like I planned on doing and thought about what other mistakes I could have made

I forgot to get my laundry out of the laundry room because I was talking to people I like and not doing what I should have been doing

so I got defensive over it… I know I did something wrong, I said I was sorry… I tried to explain why I leave my laptop on because things crash on it and it takes forever and I don’t know why it does that…

My father: you have all those nerd boys and none of them can fix it for you?
Me: I want to do it myself!
My mother: You get all top of the line stuff and turn it into garbage
Me: its not garbage!! its fine!
My Father: Then why is there tape on the side of it
Me: I just didn’t put that part back on the right way… I don’t know how but I’ll find out how to do it

MY arguements don’t hold water do they?

So I’m toldI can’t take criticism and then I say its only in this house the response is “what did I do this time?” or “Now what?” Anywhere else I just answer and its okay but I know here its because I did something wrong or forgot to do something or should have done something better

My father: I got you a roll
Me: I’m not hungry right now
my mother: I hate that about you, anytime something happens you loose your appitite, well guess what sister THIS IS LIFE

I wasn’t hungry before I came downstairs sister

I hate being called that …. yes, I don’t take critisim well… I never have and I’m defensive and I get snippy… so that makes me a bad person no one wants to deal with and thats just fine with me, I made the mistake of saying I wanted to go home and that was just dumb. I can’t run away I can’t… Ijust don’t know I just need to learn to be better and learn to be not like me. I guess I have some good qualities somewhere but not really… they’re not the ones that are most prominant. I don’t know why anyone is friends with me because I’m like this…


According to my mother all furry is porn… everything furry is pornography

it fucking figures, this is the woman who said she abstained until she was married… of course everything is porn.

Me mother: Show me a squirrel out in nature with breasts bigger than mine and then I’ll believe its not porn. Have him draw you has a human, I’m sick of the furry shit”

well… you’re the one that wanted to see the pictures …. nincompoop…

Redid thanksgiving

well, we all sat down tonight to porkchops and all the leftovers from thanksgiving and it actually wasn’t too bad… it was better than a fucking turkey.

my family and thanksgiving is always a nightmare. The bullshit is what makes me loose my appitite, not that the turkey is raw or not… I hate people making a scene at the table or at the other table over something like that… Xamp was smart not doing the turkey…

but it was too big this year and it had bad karma by the way my mothers family is acting so it just didn’t work at all. Everything tasted bad and I didn’t want anything to do with it… its not even that I loose my apeteite, its just that I don’t want to deal with something that I feel has been poisioned by bad karma

my mother wished my aunt would get the shits at someone elses house for her behaviour to her … that was more what made me ahve an adversion than my father showing in great detail what partd of the turkey were raw and bloody.

I just need to grow up and not think about it, I need to eat whne they want me to here and not express myself like that at all I don’t think. THats not whast they want either but you know…. its how things seem to go sometimes. I was wrong for not eating at the table. I ate all of the veggis and trimmings and things, just not turkey…

but it was better tonight … and now its on to that tradition of traditions … that one movie that makes me laugh from lameness