so tired … but i had a good day with my mom even when we fought all day… but i am so tired … i had to go take the wash at 6am so  has clean pants for work since the others are dirty now. im tired … but i scared some jehovas too…

im still very upset about wegmans telling me i need to go back to work next week too … i get a shot … 6 weeks of PT and back to work. we’re trying to work out what i need to tell the doctor. my shot is on monday after my  gets out of work. i need him there with me so i dont freak out about it. we know i can do it

anyway … i am so tired i cant keep awake anymore … i just feel so frayed …

happy 420 …. thats still no excuse for the crap

my mom and i have been arguing on and off all day … and when i went to the doctor it turns out that they screwed up and scheduled my appointment at the wrong office so the doctor wasn’t even there … so my shit got moved … still at the wrong location for me …

 well … i dont know .. .

the fishtank stand looks great … i have the first coat of poly on right now and im going to do one more at 7 … that should be good … this place reeks though … im getting high

my mom is a bit annoying.

ugh i just want to cry. my mom just got off the phone with me and she said she wants to talk about my issues i go into everything like its fantastic but i end up hating everything and i have so much to work on for myself and i need to take some serious time to stop and think about why i am like this. So then she listed everything in my life i’ve done that with and the one thing i didn’t was Taekwondo because ‘Mr. Paul had my number and then how i need to figure out while i have this time …. how i want to fix it

i told her i know that and maybe i should just hang myself that would make it better no one would have to hear it

    and i know what i do in every area of my life … and she admitted that I have my fair share of nuts in my life that have gotten in the way and the fair share of crazy people … i go in trying to make everything be great so bad that when i know it sucks its too late. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that it’s great. So then I’m in trouble…because i’ve already told everyone ow great it is trying to convince myself things are going to be different. That I’ve always been told that i do this thing and that I always start and everything is great and I end up hating it.
 and she tells me I cant do that,
things have to just be ‘ok’ and nothing is just great like that and i cant expect it because then I’m setting myself up for failure.    ..well, when I get this lecture its like … this is why I do it and then i end up just feeling like i’m totally mental. I want everything to be great … I really do … and it feels like it never does.

  She’s upset because she feels like education is never wasted but i feel like I have two worthless degrees, a broken shoulder and i work a shitty dead end job at a food store when I thought i’d either be an opera singer or working as a teacher. I can’t move up at that place … I can only go down … and I know if I go back to the Bethlehem store that its not the answer … its going to be the way it was before it not worse … and I shouldn’t have left … I thought I was doing the best thing I could do … turns out I have no judgement. 

and then she tells me that she didnt want to go into it with me … and she didn’t know that I know what it is that I do. but I still need to address this stuff and seriously think about what I want to do and actually get a Sunday paper becuase I can comb the want-ads. No. that’s how my last two shitty dead-end jobs were found. And I cant feel like this about my degrees because her brother went to school to be a gym teacher and now hes an executive.    

i said the world doesn’t work like that anymore … look at real people job postings … they’re looking for specifics not ANY B.A or M.A will do anymore. Jobs are looking for people with their degree in ____ with a concentration or cert. in ___________     but that shouldn’t matter to her, like i cant teach college and if i go back to the other wegmans and i think its going to be great again then i have other things coming. and everyone wants experience but I’m struggling to find getting it.

…ok, enough bitching. and my mother said i’m too nasty to Davis too.

Well its been an amusing past few days!

first things first … I passed lesson 3! Onto lesson 4! … still hoping for bigger and greater challenges. This lesson is on healing next. *rolls eyes* I know it’s important, I’m part of the healing guild after all … but … can’t I do something HARD!

So Thursday on the way home from getting Bunny from work we ran out of gas!! its a 5 mile walk from his store and we had to walk about 4 of it home … it took 2 hours and because we got into an argument (my fault) he tripped and took a big fall into the dirt and twisted his ankle up real bad. So we had no money … but we were able to come up with 1/2 dollars to use to put 2gal of gas in the tank which was enough to get it home. the upstairs neighbor and us are friends and thank the gods she was home … she drove me to the gas station and then to the car and followed me home.

that was a loooong evening. but my shoulder followup got changed to Wednesday from Monday … i still have to go alone, but it wont be so bad and he wont have to wait after work or be late.

So Friday bunny was off and he got paid so we’re back in business … that was nice … and I got paid too … so we got gas and went shopping for food and good wood to finish the fish tank stand … and we took him to the doctor for his follow up. Poor man has an ear infection. We went to sonic for hotdogs and then just watched movies and stuff … it was a nice afternoon. We had to do the taxes too … blah. We owe money … 2 frigging dollars. can you believe that?!!? Next year we’ll have to pay because we wont have any deductions … but … we’ll see about that, it’ll be nice if we can have a baby by then … oh yes … we’d both like things to be fixed and working and to have some fun times and have a kid.

um…today was ok for the monsoon, we went out and wandered around. my mom thinks we’re weird but that’s okay but he hit me in the eye with a sock when i was on the phone with her. So … we found a new wiccan store today …. and on the way home we went to it but it turns out that when we went in its a front for drugs!!! They had wiccan stuff … but it was all drug stuff in the back and people were totally zonked! I was sooo surprised… we wont be going back there …. I’ll stick to Ostara* if I need anything like that. Oh well … I guess that was it. I wanted to get more of the fishtank done but with the bad weather and his ankle being hurt… not so much …

enough posting … i have some last chores to do around here before I can go to bed… and I have housework to do too… but I might just sit and play maplestory. HAHA

i am so upset i have no words for it … now im not getting surgery and im getting a shot on monday … and why is that? because wegmans stalled me so long im out of insurance time and if i have surgery i have to pay for it myself … after i loose my benefits from them…

the world is a confusing place.

Stuff with my mom… and its annoying me …

well … so my mother asked me today how if  ‘s father died when hes so young how does he stand being away from his kids.

So i tried to answer her the best I can and she just said that it breaks her heart that I had so much else going on but never talked to her about any of it … and the fact that I was looking for jobs up in Boston area with Wegman’s just makes her sad. But i never will have an answer like what she wants. and it makes her very sad and feel sick and blah blah blah and she hates going over it.

I told her that about the Wegman’s in Boston thing … it was just for a meeting, its not like I was signed up for it or anything… I just thought it would be a good idea, but now things have changed, I explained that we thought things would be different then they are … that Davis and I thought other things ..and that i didnt understand how some things were.

I cant talk to her about things like that … even now. i dont want to tell her about how things happned back then i dont want to go back and she wants all these answers.