the new vacation fund………………

so….Davis and i were talking at lunch and he said to me that my language is so much better than when he first met me… i was such a potty mouth … so now its been decided that now we’re going to get a jug and label it so that way everytime i say a dirty word i have to put a quarter into the jug …. lol

i guess we’re going to be going on vacation after a year of this!!! the game of lets stop juliets potty mouth starts july 1st

my asshole father came to visit today…

so… nothing like having to get up early and go to see my father … he’s looking at buying a business still, but now hes looking at “units” its like pods but brand new …. Davis and i were taking and if he was interested in something like an actual storage building he’d have more luck and start making money right away, not with this when pods is so well known. That would be a good job for when i get pregnant too… when i’m totally huge it will be nice to get to sit down instead of having to be constantly standing to do what i do now. Thats getting more and more important again… its hard for me not to think about it and hes ready and we’re both being TOTALLY STALKED by pregnant …

anyway, back to where i was … we talked and it seemed pretty okay … but at the same time its my dad … so he changed the story to tell my mom and she called me a LIAR…. and shes too sensitive to EVERYTHING since what happened with me lying about Davis

i got home and we snuggle …. i love to snuggle

so she sent me all these nasty text message to work … im avoiding her. … off to TGI Fridays… i really want booze tonight

i made a wreath last night,

i think i like it better than the one with the irises i made before, i’ll have to get a picture of it.

kinda sucks but i work 1-9 today and Davis works 2-11… guess its just going to be a long day, but it gives me time to work on that little book im wriiting he told me to start with the parts i know i want to cover and then fill in the details … thats a good idea i never thought of before when i tried to write anything else. somedays i dont mind that he knows more than me, because i know thats going to help … i just wish for things sometimes … i know there are things that he wants and things that he needs and its just because of who i am that for me it makes it hard to do them… but i have to just suck it up and get on with it. i just wish i was able to stay up late too and do a lot of the things he likes to do or wants to do… sometimes i just feel so limited

i meant to clean up in here too but that didnt happen either… im starting to feel less screwed up though, i was really getting worried for a few days that i got into that zyrtec funk and id never get back out of it again. i feel bad now about it … if i could just get the other problem that i have to go away and the rest of me to come back maybe i will be able to try harder …it might require me going to a different doctor for that though. im convinced there cant be anything else … somtimes i feel like a walking freakshow

anyway … i should think about eating something before i go… i only have 5 dollars and maybe if i stop at mcdonalds before i go to work i can get a snack wrap or two and eat them on the way….

i have the teeth chatting tic again, its being a pain and i wish it would stop because i know how annoying it is… and it annoyed Davis and everyone else but i feel like i cant stop it and my teeth want to chatter but my jaw doesn’t want to move …

i dont want to stress…

i feel bad about thinking or stressing about anything when i know the things are what i stress about are not really as important as everything else in the world. so i try not to talk about it or think about it because i know when i stop typing and start to think again really everything else im concerned about turns out to be a load of shit and its not worth the time i took to type it …. it doesn’t stop me from doing it in the first place now does it?

PPL said they’re going to turn our power off on or about Tomorrow… i just want to get that paid as much as we can and work on getting it down but thats going to take until those new student loans come in …. now, i don’t want to hear about using student loans to pay bills but its one of those things thats just going to have to be done… its not like its going to be 100,000 or something like that … its a relatively small loan and its not like there wont be a lot left over of it. … i just want to get that paid but whenever i say anything about it i feel like the biggest nag in the whole world, its not like i do anything for this household and it makes me sad that i even have to say anything… i mean… its all my fault we’re behind on our bills because its all my fault that our money isn’t right …. really me and my desisions or lack there of are the reason things are going to hell… but thats how life always is for me so i dont know… i have ot fix it because he wants me to and we need to move on with our lives.

Davis and i got into a big argument on Saturday about stuff that i was doing with my parents that really isn’t helping our cause … just about how i’m handling things and then it went just to me getting the full download of everything that was bothering him… yes, i did very much deserve getting it for how i am and i know i’m a bad and rotten person for how these past 3 years have been… it was pretty bad but i know i deserved it…. i guess thats what made it worse for me… knowing that i do deserve that and a lot more …. i guess i know but i don’t know how much i’ve caused him to loose by coming down here to be with me… it just makes me feel like sometimes im the only one that has any guilt in the matter and i know thats not true

 i know im just going to screw something up today… its just what i do it seems like

oh… and sorry about all the whinyness lately, i started on some new drug and it threw me into a depression like i cant even believe

my parents are comming up

… they wanted to come up for lunch…. i really dont want them to even bother but its fathers day and its like i have no choice but to see this guy who i feel less and less of a connection to everday … but what do i know really?

Davis has to work today and had to be in at 5… they said they were coming wicked early so i let them know  that if they want to be here so early why don’t we wait and just go out for breakfast instead? it makes no sense for them to come just to do nothing but sit around here.

Davis feels that the little place the seminary gave me is what is keeping his life the way it is now, and thats now how it has to be… i agree with him a lot that this has to do with my parents and fear. .. how can i really disagree with that when i know that its true

i really dont even want to see these two nuts today really … i’d rather be home doing laundry but the good part about this is that the quicker they come the quicker it can be over with and i can just go back to what i want to do today… laundry, lawn mowing and other big girl nonsense.

we need to R/O that time to go to Maine soon, i keep forgetting to look at whats going on in july… i think nothing so thats going to be good for the two of us … tonight we have to talk about it.

he said to me that it feels like ive given up on us and the love thing… for about a year … but im so frustrated and so hurt about it i feel like i cant even try anymore… i need to find that part of me again to get myself to try harder


i think that now ive officially given up on wanting to be a manager… given up on the training because the only work im ever going to get are the kids of jobs that no one else will do …

and on some levels it breaks my heart … but thats just how my life works