…why do i suck so much …. so what if he’s eating the leftovers from last night………………….all of them…. i know there wasnt that much or something… but it was so late and i hardly had any because i was so tired and i wanted to come home and have some too… so i think that maybe when he said hes going to eat something that i might get to have some leftovers … but he had them for lunch already and coverd them in blu cheese…

what is wrong with me that i feel like … what the hell… about it… its just food… i know i never eat leftovers enough to have an opinion about them… but on nights when food is sooo late …. i want to be able to eat it too… and i know there wasn’t a ton left… but i didnt even get to finish what i had in my bowl last night and i just wanted more of it … it tasted good

so im going to post this — hes going to  read it and feel bad and then im the stupid bitch who has the problem and made him miserable because he has a right to eat whatever he wants to eat when he wants to eat it and i shouldn’t be sad because i know he can say id never get back to it …..but now theres nothing for me to eat … so i’ll just be hungry… i dont want the 4 day old sandwitch thats in there…. i really had my taster up for that

… i am such a fucked up mental patient i really should just go to bed and let everyone not have to deal with me tonight

:: End transmission:

Cleaning


wow… so i got a lot of homework done the past few days, and now the house is almost clean. i cant wait to finiah doing all my cleaning tomorrow … oh yeah, my period is comming thats the only reason im so nesty lately …

the slotdoctor called me today too… moved my appointment back to 8:30 on 10-14… but i got on the cansellation list so maybe i get to go earlier i cant wait… um.. im trying to think of what else … OH my… the 1credit lam class starts firday and i have to work that morning too but its ok… um… but i get to read a bible passage i love for it because i have to do something christian. so i picked Corinthians 13 about love. i think thats good because it speaks to everyone.

i dont feel like posting anymore tonight though … oh… i got my glasses too with the new lenses… now just to pay for them…. les sighs … thats so impossiable and sad to me that i still ahve to pay $300 for them… but it will get paid soon.

ok… i dont know what else to talk about, ive been typing so much the past few days i just dont feel like it anymore … but the bathroom is almost clean… and the kitchen and living room are … so bedroom tomorrow and fishtanks too… oh yeah and all the other stuff… i wish i had something nice to wear on friday… i’ll have to dig through my closet for something to wear on friday. i’ve had planned what im wearing saturday since i got it months ago! lol im such a loser

ok… thats all… no wait one more thing i think someday we’re really going to get our house and all the other wonderful things that we’ve been talking about … and i found out that im not bad at th egame Civilization …

now im done … i guess i really do want to post afterall but dont want to type on my uncomfortable desk.

dont really know what to do


…so… i know i take it wrong… but he said to me that he knows i enjoy making him feel bad … and i dont want to do that and he tells me that and then i feel like "fine, i’ll just get out of the way since i do that" … but then thats what i do that makes him feel bad… so what do i do?!!??! he keeps telling me what to do but i dont know what to do that makes sense…

oh new glasses and nonsense


went to pick up  glasses today …the good pair that i love, its my good old frames and they’re just getting new transition lenses with glare coating, scratch protection and antifog…

and i got her new pair that aren’t tinting, the new pair are fusha/redish on the outside with fusha on the inside for just me to say… but they gave me the new pair… but when i handed back her MazAzria glasses tthey took them to fix it so i can come back in an hour or so … and i leave… with the new ones and me and my mom go out for a while to just have fun… 

i was called 45 minutes later that the lenses are screwed up and have to get sent back because the glare coating was was not put on them … what the fuck!? i had to wait a week to come pick these up… and now they have to get sent back to the lense factory and new ones are sent to me with all of the right coatings on them … so i doesn’t have my really expensive glasses that iloves and tint, and i have just been dying to get my hands on them… been looking forward to them … and its a somewhat long drive to my moms house … so they have to fedex them to me when they’re fixed… and if they dont fit on my head right i guess i’ll just go to another place to have them adjusted

went to Pancheros today … it so good  … and i fianlly got orchid food for my mom eventhough i somewhat lied to her about having it and went toso many stores to find it for her today and never did … its ordered online to send to her

and remmy is dying … ive been crying all night

we went to the doctor …


and it felt like torment but we did get some good news on what our problem is with my down-there…. but we have to go see a specialist and the first appointment open is in October… so we just have to do what we’re doing for 2 months … it breaks my heart to know about all of this … but still…. its a step in the right direction for us … by this time next year …hopefully… and i’m hoping definately… there will be some very, very good things comming our way

Starhom (our land on SL) finally failed…that makes me so sad but its very much time for it to go … but thats an extra $400 a month that we’ll have to help us get a house and his new car and my car … that would be so nice!! so as much as i’ll miss Starhom

ok… Eye doctor tomorrow for new lenses for my glasses! they’re going to be transitions! i cant wait to get to that appointment at 3:30.

…oh, still have to do that other homework… damn

damn


well… my checking account is $87 overdrawn again… but at least the other two accounts have money in them… it makes me want to cancel the appointment we have tomorrow but i know i cant do that… this is so important and no matter how scared i am of going to it and getting bad news we have to go.  Davis is going with me. So nothing will be forgotten thank god

strange


teeheehee… I never get to type in orange but i am so happy i just wanted to put it in here.

the rules for flamekeepers changed and i now am one. i am so happy and so grateful to get this chance to be active in the community outside of  just my class work . that’s something i put in my first entry  in the community homework journals that i want to work on. Somehow its so much easier for me to be this way here than it has anywhere else, maybe its just because ive finally found a group that doesn’t suck as much as the seminary does

i’ve been working with my tarot cards and runes to get ready for more of that homework ( i have another whole 10 days before i can do anything else on my lessons… its 3 weeks between assignments) I’ll keep editing what i have for everything else … oh, and work on the Seminary homework 2 more papers for the other Teens class. i have them started…well, one of them. they’re due by the 25th at the latest but i want to have them done before the end of the week when my LAM student teaching starts

ok, have to be at work for 6 tomorrow … i’ve been cake decorator all weekend and its been nice too… now to just work on my cursive writing so i dont get made fun of anymore …

and we went to cabellas tonight to get fudge…

its weird to be happy

wiccan school


ohmygoodness!! I submit my Lesson 1 homework tonight… and started Yoga class… i am so happy to have those  things submitted and i am so proud … now just to get my Tarot lesson in, my draw of the week for tarot and runes … my magickal tools consecration exercise and all of the work for my other Seminary! I am so, so, so tired but so excited and just feel like i cant get enough.

I’m trying to be less shy, and i thought it would be a good idea to try to get more and more involved outside of just doing my classwork. I hope to be accepted to the flamekeepers soon, I send an E-mail to the facilitator for it.  I want to be a part of the healing guild too, but i know i cant do everything now. and i need to not spread myself too think with the Thesis and with here… I get scared about this stuff but i just want to keep going and going and going!

hopefully my Xamp will start his class work soon, I don’t want to get too far ahead of him, but i dont want to get behind either!

ok, time to center myself and go to bed so i can go to work tomorrow and then come home and do more school work.

its strange for me to feel so happy like this… i hope this magical feeling never ends