Love


I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won’t make you cry.
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling inlove with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world.
Don’t waste your time on a man or woman who isn’t willing to waste their time on you
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one. So that way when we finally meet the right person we will know how to be grateful.
Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
There’s always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you trry and know someone else and expect them to know you
Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect it.


Chem still frightens me. I know i can do it… i think i an at least… little engine that could mentality!! I just wonder how well… okay, as long as I can remember its only the 3rd day of classes and i shouldn’t panic yet. Right… no panic yet….none at all… So what if the chem books are $200? And its the new edition so its not used yet and its not like they new edition is even used online yet. I was thinking i wasn’t smart enough this morning, but im kinda over that now… so what if its hard. I think i can do it…. i really have no choice. I’m kinda sleepy. this is the sleepy talking. The prof is a real dick. I mean real dick. I’m having issues with my lab… like fitting it into my schedule beca

Had a semi voice chat with my wonderful friend Xamp. even though he spent most of his time snickering at me. =P The girls who i live with were performing the second i got onto voice with him…Well, whatever was pulled out of that conversation… I did really like it. Even though he saw me in my most hyper environment. Well, it was good.

I talked to Zavier last night … the philosophy of love and how simple it was to love and just … well… i thought it would have been different than it was but really it was only more painful. I expected too much from love.

the cutest couple just walked by… i love the view i have… i can see the commings and goings on main street. They looked so cute and happy.

I had more to post… but i think theres something a little more important i want to post in here right now … just because i can


Last night and the whole day was an emotional washout for me. It had some great moments and some funny things too… This post is only for my mental health, just to make sure that its all gone and i will be fine for today & this night.

I had for of those evil Siezure things yesterday. 4… one was during Calc and when I was talking to my prof about the book and the stupid USPS. I think they all were rooted in this problem with Chemestry… I put it off and put it off and now I have nightmare 113 or whatever its number is. its baby chem but its a nightmare… im slightly worried about it still but i think if i just get a C i can do it. I’ll just show up and do some help and thigs.

Calculus was also equally scary. I am not a math person, I was signed up for just regular calc now with some review for people like me that hasn’t had math since junior year of high school. I had it again today and i got all the questions i answered out loud wrong, but thats because i get worried and then my brain seems to stop working. I get very shy answering stuff like that in classes. well, i did the homework right. This is going to be a very, very long semester. Calc is just an evil math class… i know i think i can do it, positive

That little melt down in this thing yesterday was after my first day of calc where that idiot tried to scare all of his students into dropping so the class would be smaller. I had profs like that. They suck .

Onto the class that stole my heart once again. Anatomy. Goddess i love that class and i love the prof and its all amazing. I loved the prereq for it and this is going to be a great semester. Its already going ot be fun to go to the freak mueseum today. And my monogrammed lab coat!! Yes, I’m such a loser getting excited over that. But when i got my first choir robes i was happy too. Its the simple little things that make me want to jump for joy! i guess that means im easy to please, and thats very, very true.

ANOTHER DISGUSTING REALIZATION.
girls come to class virtually naked and make me try to avert my eyes. how can the prof teach when shes exposing herself like that?! ?! or maybe i feel this way because im wearing long pants, and two shirts today…. hmmmmm…. yes yes… modesty is the best policy… why do people seem to forget that sweet little piece of information. blah… stupidity

so.. all for now… at least i think so …


Last night and the whole day was an emotional washout for me. It had some great moments and some funny things too… This post is only for my mental health, just to make sure that its all gone and i will be fine for today & this night.

I had for of those evil Siezure things yesterday. 4… one was during Calc and when I was talking to my prof about the book and the stupid USPS. I think they all were rooted in this problem with Chemestry… I put it off and put it off and now I have nightmare 113 or whatever its number is. its baby chem but its a nightmare… im slightly worried about it still but i think if i just get a C i can do it. I’ll just show up and do some help and thigs.

Calculus was also equally scary. I am not a math person, I was signed up for just regular calc now with some review for people like me that hasn’t had math since junior year of high school. I had it again today and i got all the questions i answered out loud wrong, but thats because i get worried and then my brain seems to stop working. I get very shy answering stuff like that in classes. well, i did the homework right. This is going to be a very, very long semester. Calc is just an evil math class… i know i think i can do it, positive

That little melt down in this thing yesterday was after my first day of calc where that idiot tried to scare all of his students into dropping so the class would be smaller. I had profs like that. They suck .

Onto the class that stole my heart once again. Anatomy. Goddess i love that class and i love the prof and its all amazing. I loved the prereq for it and this is going to be a great semester. Its already going ot be fun to go to the freak mueseum today. And my monogrammed lab coat!! Yes, I’m such a loser getting excited over that. But when i got my first choir robes i was happy too. Its the simple little things that make me want to jump for joy! i guess that means im easy to please, and thats very, very true.

ANOTHER DISGUSTING REALIZATION.
girls come to class virtually naked and make me try to avert my eyes. how can the prof teach when shes exposing herself like that?! ?! or maybe i feel this way because im wearing long pants, and two shirts today…. hmmmmm…. yes yes… modesty is the best policy… why do people seem to forget that sweet little piece of information. blah… stupidity

so.. all for now… at least i think so …

One time… at band camp… part 2


We had another night off. YAY. made me happy. So the girls and I decided we’re going to have a little party.

Broke out the beachball and went out back to kick it around and be loud for a while [Me, Emily and Rachel& Jen with her sax] It was fun. We came back in to watch Adam sandler movies and eat junk and just be stupid until 2am.

YES! I was being sociable… and having fun with someone I thought I hated earlier.

I was truly scared this wouldn’t work, that we’d hate each other and it started out that way but now we’re starting to get along beter and have fun. I might actually start loving this sometime soon. I’m not as scared anymore. I was frightened out of my mind when I moved in but its starting to get better now. *happy sigh* Too bad the guy Zavier decided to live with sucks. I guess its karma =P ahhhh, I love Karma.

Since books will be over $600 this semester if I got them in the book store I did the right thing and I’m ordering them online [along with two Tom Waits Cds I didn’t have before. Its going to make for good listening later tonight. I’m really in the mood for some interesting instrumental combos.

Oh, I febreezed my cast because everyone said it smelled like Putrid ass… I AM NOT DIRTY! just so everyone knows that. so Now it smells like Rain Fresh Ass… Semi plesent smell I guess. *lol* I cannot wait to have my wrist back!! More guitar all the time. Finally. Im tired of it hurting when i want to play ANYTHING. Motrin makes it adaptable though.

To everyone that reads this … and I know you are because if you weren’t well… you know … Sorry I’ve been so down lately, I just got into a funk that I believe is well and broken now. I’m happy again I think. If I’m not I’ll be completely normal soon… when classes start completely.

Thats all for now. Going to my mothers house this weekend to help out and do things there. My computer will be home with me 🙂 yay. Maybe … well… I’ll save that for later on

::End transmission::

I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.

~Henry Ward Beecher

one time … at band camp…


I told the Andy (the DM) to go fuck himself. I told him to shurt the fuck up and go to hell and I don’t regret it one little bit. I’m tired of never getting help to move the Pit. yes, they assigne it to a section but they didn’t this morning and I am SICK & TIRED of having to drag that heavy stuff with my wrist.

Andy and I got into a nice little argument and then went off in opposite directions. I took the cast off my wrist today to type too. It hurts still a lot… I should go put this back on but im not either… I am such a sick and dimented person. I really am enjoying the pain. Im enjoying making it hurt because it makes me think about things I’ve done.

Yes, eveyone can point and laugh at me now, thats okay. I do love to feel pain… it reminds me of who i am, what i am and what I’ve done. I do feel like a bad person.

and I just tried to open a bag of my favorite candy and i felt a wave of pain just go through my wrist… i guess im done for the night aren’t I? i have 3 more hours of rehersal tonight before I can pack it in and do nothing.

the roommate thing is getting better… its actually starting to get fun. So thats not all bad. I’m going back to my mothers for the weekend to get some things, help her out… I wanted to get here so badly and now i feel like i need to go back and do the right thing again. I don’t want to live there again or anything, but this is nice going and comming when she needs me.

~~ Personal Life Update ~~
I’m hopeless, completely, totally hopless. Why do I even bother? Seriously? I’m doing it again. I trust him! I really do trust him and it scares me. It terrifies me that I trust him and I feel like this for him. I shouldn’t! It’s so many other kinds of wrong I don’t even know where to begin! This is only going to lead to someone getting very, very hurt. I can feel it in my soul … I don’t want to feel this way. I need to pull away again, I need to do whats right…but its all going to be bad.

i need to go back to band… i have so much more to type… like i’ve not been taking care of myself again… im not taking care of myself at all… its disgusting and pathetic. This is why my mood is so bad… that and other things… i need to go for 3 more hours… then back here to vent my soul

No matter what…. part of me want to stay, but i know whats right

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn’t diminish its value, because we are left with memories that we treasure to the rest of our lives.

Never underestimate the power of love.

The book of love is long and boring …


Correction… I went to bed at 3am… i never said i went to SLEEP at 3am…maybe thats why its 9:30 and my tail is dragging and I could pass out.

there is still 40 minutes until the days rehersals…we go from 9-9 for the rest of the week. I cannot believe I’m going to say this… but i think i might have to go back to my parents house for the weekend to get away from who I live with. That or go to Joyces… something like that would sound good to me

this is beyond the week from hell, its all this week… the labor day weekend. This is what I signed up for, its not right for me to sit here and whine about it when I wanted to be in this ensamble. It requires work and patients… I can do this…I did this for 4 years in high school … I made it through the school from hell… I’ve moved 7 times in the past year and a half… if I can get through with that I can do band from 10:15 – 9 today and 9-9 every other day. I’m only in the pit… I can do this… I can do this … mind over matter, its all mind over matter …

This is going to sound insane… but I think I need to hear a voice right now…even if the person whos voice I’m hearing might cause me to fall asleep… I never said I make sense when I’m this tired and it feels like my throat is closing up…. I tried listening to the Giovanni story last night… but when i thought i had just fallen asleep then that idiot turned the light in the room on and woke me up. I just need to keep my mouth shut at rehersal today and let everyone go on with what they’re going to do. Thats the way I’ll make it through… Drink lots of water, focus, breath.

I’ll listen to my icon. I”ll be zen… it’ll be great. I need to try and keep positive.

a 30 minute nap after listening to Tom Waits Barcarolle… maybe that will make things better? This song always makes me fall asleep…i want to go to sleep right now but i can’t… Im never this picky about sleep before… never never never…

but i’ll keep my mouth shut, I’ll be positive and focused through whatever happens today and most of all… I’ll do my job snf pull my weight and do my share like a productive member of society.

So i should go now..i’ll quit my wining like the tired baby that I am…

This this Juliet, your tired and cranky marching band member signing off for now.

oh, and before I forget this is a specific message

…. I love you, (just wanted to make sure I let you know that.)


Cousin Lynn is dying. They said she’s not going to make it through the rest of the week. I feel very sad about hearing that from my mom… She’s had cancer for over 20 years, so I guess its better for her that she gets to go soon and stop suffering.

Irene died last week… she was old I knoow but no one knew she was sick… she just went one day and all this news came out about her and what was going on and then she just died. such is life I know, I know thats how things go and life flies by in seconds…but sometimes I’d like for something to remain constant, something to be perminant.

Thats showing how naieve I really am, Its showing that my nature is still to hope for the best and only see the worst.

I guess i stopped making sense as of recently… I feel all mixed up inside. I feel like I’m lying to myself or everyone else at the moment…I’m trapped somewhere that I think I want to be, but then I got here and it was just … ugh

I really need to sleep, I need to get myself back incontrol and sleep… Once classes start up again I’ll be better…. Once I stop having these stupid siezures… once I feel like I can total control over my mind and body again, not like I ever had that to begin with.

No one needs to deal with me. I mean that nicely… you don’t need to put up with me until I say I’m back to myself…