a very good day


So, my mom and I were going to go shopping today but with the awful snowstorm she couldn't come … but she gave me her credit card number … so I got to go to Old Navy for their big sale and get myself like … and entire new wardrobe!!!  like … 20 items of clothing… and everything was on sale!! Amazing 🙂 I was in my wheelchair and it actually was a pretty comfortable day. No major attacks or anything… but we got a lot of snow … ok… thats it … bed time …

So, it’s 5:30 and I’m awake again…


Turns out I felt so crappy the day before was I screwed up my meds… yeah… I know… braintrust, right? I sorta ODed… I guess Verve Pipe said it best

"My best friend took a weeks vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks worth of valium and slept…"
so yeah… I kinda took a weeks worth of valium and just felt like hell for 2 days… clonidine too. I got home with rom my parents and thought I didn't take my pills, so I did… then took them again… right… smart… so thats why I felt so awful… and that kind of thing will do it… starting to feel a bit better NOW… but I had an awful day of shaking/shuddering attacks yesterday… the day before I think I slept for like … 19 hours …

He was worried about me as always …I always say I feel guilty about it, but really I like that he worries about me … sometimes I feel like my mom doesn't … she's always telling me to kick myself in my own ass and get a grip and just make myself better. I wish it was that easy to just make myself better. She thinks that in the new year I can just decide to be better… that I can decide that I'll put all of this back into it's little box and that it'll go away. put the shaking, the shuddering, the falling over, the walking issues, the choking… everything… into this little box and go on with my life and not let it take over.

um… doesn't work that way. I was looking into face time support groups too, or even founding them… but I have to remember how dangerious that is for me… I picked up all kinds of crap at Camp Bernie over the summer that I still can't get rid of … what would happen if I had to do that more often? nothing good… We agreed that it's best I keep my contact to TS/Dysto people online… but I can't say I really like that… sometimes it makes it feel even more isolating than ever… and sometimes I think that it might be like … easier… you know… if I could spend more time with people like that … but then I wont be putting it back into its little box everyone in my birth family thinks it belongs in… I'm not sure I agree… but I need my job. I need to work… I need to be productive… and I don't know if I can do that sometimes. I don't know if it means that I'm a failure, or a sissy or what… like I can't just adapt to this … or make it so it can go into that little box…

Sometimes I think the people I was born to think I just do this for attention … sometimes I think the whole world thinks I do this for attention … because god knows there aren't so many other ways I could get that attention other than this? Right? Seriously? Not like I don't dream about being NT? Or thinking that I'd love to put this back into its little box once again… not like it ever was… but sometimes I think I'd love for it to go away… but I need to work, I need to get my job and move up and make more money… I need to be a productive member of society… not just a broken shell of a person that I feel like I've always been…

ugh… maybe I'll try to go back to bed…

im so dumb


my dad gave me $100 for christmas… and I feel like I should use it for bills or something… but.. everyone says i can use it for something I really want… its so strange.. i spend money on stuff all the time but now I cant think of anything… or anything that would be worth it …

Things that I’ve been sorta posting about, butnot giving any details over!


Omg… well, this is what I get… as been home sick for this whole week… very, very sick. He finally went to the doctor and got a boat load of antibiotics and a few other things to help him breath and get better. Finally, yesterday, he started to make his turn around. I was really worried about him. I don't like when he's so sick like that. It's kinda scary to me. He's my rock… we've had a lot of strange things happen too… like, just a lot of crazy talk. I wanted to talk to my therapist about it yesterday but we ended up talking about work… I didn't want to talk about work… but that's what we did. I wanted to talk about nd the whole 'little can of baby shrimp' issue… but somehow that didn't come up. I'm sad. I should have changed the subject but I didn't get to. Then I just ended up being sad the whole day.

We talked about the whole … how my illness is progressing…what I need to do to help plan for my future to see whats going to happen for me. What would be the better options for me. I can't control what other people say or do.. I can't make them do anything… and according ot my mom I'm only happy when I'm the boss or I'm in charge…. also, I always start out like gangebusters and everything is fantastic… then slowly I slip into hating everything. That second part is all her fault. I take my guilt in it too, but she STARTED it… Always asking me to tell her something that happened that day… always. I had to start lying to her young because sometimes nothing happened and then I felt inadaquit.Because I should have something special to tell her even if there was nothing. So I start every job that I have and everything i graet because I want it to be that way… I want to be more than I am, better than I am and try so hard to make her think that this time it's going to be better or different… not the same things that always happen or that I've not learned from all of the mistakes or whatever happened to me.

So finally when things get overwhelming I stop lying about it and I just… well… I just tell the truth about my frustration and then she tells me that I need to work on my pattern… like… she got beaten by her parents until she was 16 and she didn't do that to me. You know what, that's a lot diffrent than having things wrong with your brain… that's a behaviour… this is my anxiety, my OCD, my everything else and trying to keep it all hidden so maybe I can act like I'm NT… maybe I can convince myself that if I try harder, work harder, be harder that MAYBE I'll get better just by force of will? Does that make sense to anyone but me… I know I'm the only person who reads this… but that's ok… It kinda makes sense to me. I don't feel like she's ever going to understand that changing behaviours … like her parents hitting her… that's a cultural and a time period things… this is how the chemicals in my brain and how my brain processes information!!!!! By the way I was raised and the baggage that I got from them because of it. And now I'm going to have to take my whole life trying to get beyond it and become the person that I want to be… or need to try to be.

ugh… Im getting sad again thinking about it … and we talked about work too, and houses… and if I'll be able to keep the pace. God… that scares me… its scares me to think that this disorder might make it so every dream i've ever had will be taken away…

So.. I'm thinking about something else now… and there are other things to talk about … the Coca Cola Caravan is coming to Bethlehem tonight and even though he's working I'm going to see it and get lots and lots of pictures anyway. I can't wait! I love all that coke stuff. I've never seen it before either. We were over at Target yesterday and saw the top of the van in the parking lot. I was so excited I started having a big tic storm over it. LOL 

I just wish Danielle and I were talking so maybe we could go together. I just still don't know what to make of her… she got so defensive so fast when I was just cofused about what was going on. I'm still not talking to her, and I returned her christmas gift and ended up getting a gift card to ULTA so I can get my hair colored… it makes me sad because I knew she'd really like that and I really cared about her. I just… I don't know… I just wanted to know what happened and why things happened the way they did… but… I guess I'll never know now. I feel like some of the junk that she's said on her page was directed towards me… but I never replied because anytime someone SAYS they don't want to make drama… thne all they do is post crap on FB… that's all about drama and all about making more trying to goade someone into replying… I just wish we could have talked it out and now we're not going to.

Moving on again… that was sad too and I didn't want to go there today… it's 3 days until CHRISTMAS for gods sake!!! AND we got the shopping ALL DONE … the Mailing ALL DONE … everything is all done and I can't even believe that it's happened. I'm like blown away with how great everything has gone so far other than me being so sick and out of work. But the kids stuff is mailed… and we're good on the stuff for my parents… its like… woah

So, now i'm going to back up a few days… I finally got the tires for my chair …and the people at the bikeshop were nice but rude at the same time trying to 'explain' to me that if they weren't one place they'd take longer for another place and its like.. I NEED TIRES … so I went over to this local place and I got them … but then when i was in the mall the tube exploded like a gunshot and i'm in the middle of the mall in my chair and its like … omg so i'm huddled in my chair and then I look up and everyones freaking out and SANTA CLAUS is right there rescuing me from myself making sure the rent-a-cops don't lose it… it was really like … magical and at the same time the weirdest thing ever. so they all helped me out to my car and were pretty cool to me … and the bikeshop replaced my tube and the tire for me and it was cool… and then I bit through my tongue when i got home that night trying to have supper … so i kinda almost bit the tip off my tonuge. I could actually see my tooth through my tongue it was gross…

ok… i need a break from typing… nd i need to take pills nad have breakfast and get my 's lunch started to be packed for work today. oh, and i saw the cutest little bunbun when we were out yesterday… white and grey… so cute. fell in love