we had our ultrasound today … i'm ok… yes, i am ok.
my dearist LJ … I have not forgotten you … not at all.
Artist: Tom Waits
Album: Blue Valentine
Title: Kentucky Avenue
Eddie Graces’ Buick got 4 bullet holes in the side
Charlie Delisle sittin’ at the top of an avocado tree
Mrs. storm’ll stab you with a steak knife if you step on her
I got a half pack of lucky strikes man come along with me
Lets fill our pockets with macadamia nuts
Then go over to Bobby Goodmensons’
And jump off the roof
Hilda plays strip poker
While her mamas across the street
Joey Navinski says she put her tongue in his mouth
Iggy faulkners’ got a switchblade
And some gooseneck risers
That eucalyptus is a hunchback
There’s a wind down from the south
Let me tie you up with kite string,
And i’ll show you the scabs on my knee.
Watch out for the broken glass, put your shoes and socks
On and come along with me.
Lets follow that fire track
I think your house is burnin. down
Then go down to the hobo jungle and kill some rattle
Snakes with a trowel
We’ll break all the windows in the old Anderson place
And steal a bunch of boysenberry
And smear em on your face
I’ll get a dollar from my mamas purse
And buy that scull and crossbones ring
And you can wear it around your neck on an old piece of
Then we’ll spit on Ronnie Arnold
And flip him the bird
And slash the tires on the school bus
Now don’t say a word
I’ll take a rusty nail and scratch your initials on my arm
And I’ll show you how to sneak up on the roof of the
Take the spokes from your wheelchair
And a magpies wings
And tie em to your shoulders and your feet
I’ll steal a hacksaw from my Dad
And cut the braces off your legs
And we’ll bury them tonight in the cornfield
just put a church key in your pocket
We’ll hop that freight train in the hall
And we’ll slide all the waydown the drain
To New Orleans in the fall
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I’m not so sure where to start… I guess one was things I have to get over is being shy about people hearing me talk. I am officially using the new Dragon speak version 11 so I am not typing anymore I actually get to type …talk I mean. It’s pretty weird right now, because I don’t usually have to say what I want to put down but now I am so… The good thing is I don’t have to talk too loud so I can… I never realized how much I use those things.
Well I guess a couple you’ve noticed that I’ve been missing for a few days and those of you who know me on Facebook know that I posted that the world kind of collapsed last Tuesday. So I suppose I know everyone a bit of explanation as to what happened. It seems like the right thing to do since you guys are all part of my life and I really don’t feel like leaving anyone hanging anymore often I have to.
As some of you know my parents have a funny habit of liking to go on the Internet and search me, they… They go online and search me on people search sites and decide that they’re going to make snap judgments about me in my life and everything based on what they find on those sites. The problem with thousands author of in bits and pieces of information that they don’t exactly know the whole story about so my father deciding he was going to take matters into his own hands and research me again just made trouble. So he tells my mother that he’s looking up stuff for Christmas shopping and he searches me and finds that me and bunny are listed as related to my mother decide she’s been to ambush me on AIM and holler "are you married". After some hemming and laying starting to panic to my bunny I say yes we are so she has a nervous breakdown and says to me that when you’re have to tell your father when he’s not have to deal with you from there. So I say okay and the drama continues. I mean… she keeps going on about how could, I and how could I not tell them this, how can I not tell them that, what was I thinking. And it was hard for me to give any answer because really I felt like for once I wanted to just be happy with something. For my entire life I feel like I’ve done what they’ve wanted me to went to school and went to the school and wanted me to go to I tried to do what they wanted me to do and then in 2006 well with my 2005; and that the most wonderful person I can ever think of. I want to keep him and I wanted to keep him away from them so I told some lies meant to combat things and I didn’t feel like I was proud of it and I didn’t feel like something they should’ve done from wanting to hurt them but I wanted them to be involved in my life the only way I knew how. So we did get married and no I didn’t tell them because I wanted them to meet him first no one them to see how and why I am off to sell much of what it was about him that I loved. But that didn’t happen because after 2006 it really felt like they didn’t want anything to do with him. I felt like after all the mistakes I made I shouldn’t do anything that I should keep it to myself.
So… With good intentions it was kept to ourselves and he had, you know, the foresight to know that this was going and that we have to tell them. But my father decided he was going to find out first, and mother, the date on the paperwork she is a freak out and their screen name are screaming and I just want things to say. So the next day bunny, called out of work and stayed home with me because I wasn’t such a mental state, and just needed somebody to be with me. So we really spent the day doing like nothing but it just felt so much better to have him there with me. I tell my firing he says he’s not speak to me anymore and I know I made my that I have to mine it is when his sister did … oh, and "you’re not pregnant are you". Well, of course not, We’ve been trying but you know that’s not working… and no I didn’t tell them that. So he said his life and talk to me again and I was hysterical and I said that my mother yelled at me that morning to him and I tried just don’t say it out loud. Then my mother calls me and yells at me and yelled she wanted let me know that she wasn’t yelling at me. It felt to me like she was yelling at me, but that didn’t really matter. So since then she’s been sick with the ‘rrhea and feeling nauseous. Just everything wrong with her, you know.
My father left this really hateful voicemail on my cell phone which is kind of been keeping off since. But he said that I wish that people would be yelling at me because I want to feel like a victim and the only victims here again in that I can’t do that I take responsibility for what I’ve done, and what I’ve said. And then I just want to feel like a victim and how they are the only victims here. I feel like if they didn’t go sticking their noses worried in the long that they wouldn’t have to feel like a victim because I would have been able to tell them. They have done background checks on boyfriend I had as a teenager they have done the same things like this for my entire life. And now I’m an adult, and I’m not putting up with it anymore.
When I was little girl used to feed into the insanity like and I would yell back and I’ll get so upset… and so… just… Well I would get kind of nuts. And I would yell and I would have a fit back in you this endless cycle of constant yelling back and forth at each other and finally it hit me after start many years that that’s not how it works. At the same time and learn not to defend myself I just stop fighting so even if the battle was worth it, even if I have to fight the good fight, why bother? Bunny doesn’t like how that is because he feels that even if my father saying I’m a pathological liar I’m deceitful I am all these horrible things that I didn’t lie. In that voicemail I father left me said that I lied about behavior my stepchildren lied about his age and that bunnies really 51 not 43. We found that how he thought that we when a people finder.com and searched him and it shows that he’s listed as that age but it doesn’t give a birth year.
He said he doesn’t know what I get telling a lie like that, but I didn’t lie I told the truth and he’s believing everything that he found on the Internet and not me. He said he’ll never believe me again, that no matter what I do I have branded myself forever and they don’t know what is so wrong with me that I’m this way. We tried to battle it out with him again he sent me this nasty text message last night about it, I couldn’t even respond to some of the things he was sending to me. So I ended up giving the phone to bunny and he was responding to my father just telling them "I did not lie" and he kept arguing with me telling me that I did and I have so much to learn and… … Well it it’s all about damage control for the future not about what we can do now.
It’s sad, I am watching dancing with the stars etc. because my moms not on name to watch it with me but she so mad and she so hurt And so sick about it that she doesn’t want to deal with me. I really don’t feel like fighting with her. Okay, I think this has gone on long enough. I really filled in a lot of everything that has happened without getting too whiny and I don’t want to do that. I don’t really want to talk anymore. If anyone really has any questions about how insanely family as they can just ask me that I’ve talked to so many people, so many people seem to think that I did what I have to do and that my parents are insane. So I think I’m going to work on mine mythology in literature homework. It’s taken me too long to get it done anyway. Good night.
fuck i need help.
my paid aacount expired today and its going to be like 2 weeks before i renew it … i didn’t even know LJ had advertisements on it i’ve been paid sooooo long…
wow this sucks