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what the hell is wrong with me?


I don’t get it? How does punishing a kid make it any better? it just makes me resent you more and wish that I could fucking kill you where you stand for fucking up my life.

Beautiful

“Don’t look at me..

Everyday… is so wonderful, then suddenly… it’s hard to breathe
Now and then… I get insecure, from all the pain
I’m so ashamed.

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring me down…
I am beautiful, in every singe way, yeah words can bring me down
Oh no, so don’t you bring me down today

To all your friends your delirious so concerned and I adore
Trying hard to fill the emptiness the peace is gone,
Let the puzzle undone that’s the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down…
You are beautiful, in every singe way, yeah words can bring you down
Oh no, so don’t you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
With a soul inside you today
You are beautiful this day
Everywhere we go
The sun will always shine
On the other side

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won’t bring us down…
We are beautiful, in every singe way, yes words can bring us down
Oh no, so don’t you bring me down today

Yeah… don’t you bring me down today…

Don’t you bring me down… today…”

Another Sleepless Night


I can look out into the rain
and still see us there…
You holding me in your arms,
pulling me close to you as we dance,
Hearing our own song through the rain,
Laughing and kissing,
Compelled to never let each other go…
Finally the vision vanishes,
We aren’t really there…
And we never were.
We have never held each other,
And we have never danced beneath the pale moonlight.
Never felt the rain pour down and soak us…
Together.
Every day I see you, not where you are,
But where I want you to be.
I reach over and tenderly run my fingertips along the sheets
beside me… where you should be.
I long to feel your face, your chest,
Feel your life’s breath move in and out,
As you lie there in gentle sleep.
I move my hand to where I should feel your heart
Beating steadily beneath my hand.
I close my eyes and I can almost feel it.
It seems that no matter what I do anymore,
I envision your doing it with me,
It’s almost like you should be there
And I sometimes just can’t figure out why you aren’t.
I drive through through the streets,
Hear one of our favorite songs on the radio,
And almost speak to you,
Like you are in the seat next to me,
Sharing the music.
I have even reached over,
Placed my hand on the seat,
And it almost felt warm,
Like you had really been there.
I long to take you with me,
To hold your hand in the movie theater.
To hear you laugh in the funny parts..
To cry with you in the sad ones.
Go dancing with you,
And sway as one body to the music.
So close that our souls are almost touching.
And healing…
I need you so much, it seems.
I wonder how I ever made it through a day,
Without knowing you.
All we have are our phone conversations,
I know your voice so well,
I could easily pick it out of thousands…
I know your laugh,
And even how your voice sounds when you smile.
I have sometimes heard a tear in your voice…
And all I could think about was reaching across this great ocean,
that separates me from you, and wiping it away,
Taking away your heartache, my heartache…
It is all I think about.
How can anyone be so lonely?
And miss someone so much,
Someone they have never seen…
Never held…
Never touched…
I carry you with me…
In this little place called my heart.
You have become a part of me,
a part that I never want to be without.
So now I lie here…
and listen to the rain falling outside my window.
I look out and for a brief moment I see us there again.
And then my gaze moves up to the ceiling,
Searching for your smile.
I close my eyes,
And listen for your voice…
and then I hear it…
“Goodnight my love..”
I open my eyes and look for you,
But surprisingly yet again, I am still alone.
And now here I am…
Another sleepless night…
Without you here.
-Poem by Jenna

where to go from here


I can’t take it… I’m going to loose my mind and just fall onto the ground the fetal position and cry… I failed another test, a history essay test this time and my dad told me he doesn’t give a shit, he said he could careless about what I do in school… wow… I feel so loved right now… so… there was another major fight in-between me and my father again and he’s still laughing in my face… he made a really shitty comment about you to me… and… I can’t take it! I’m seriously going to kill myself if this doesn’t stop soon! I’ll kill myself and make sure they can see it fine and well! and I’ll go through with it too! even if it means finding some kind of poison and drinking it like it was water!… I just want this to be over! I want all the stress to stop…. Even if it means that I never speak to you again….

I can’t take this… There’s too much going on…. Isabella isn’t going to come until the 3rd of January now.. I’ll already be back in school… fighting with my teachers and trying to get into the wind ensemble… I don’t know… he started making jokes about you and was hurting my feelings! saying that if I’m lucky you’ll take me away… and he laughed at me and hit me…. and I just feel like I’m going to be sick…I just don’t get it! Why is it that mark keeps getting away with this stuff… he’s been promising since she was born that I’d get to see her **crying** and I never will! he’s going to keep pushing it back!!! Why did I buy her all that stuff? I’ll have no one to give it to because when I’ll see her she’ll be too old for it….

but for me it just gets worse… even during school…

I didn’t even eat lunch today because I got another bad essay grade… I’m so worthless… I use to be good at English and I keep failing everything! I have 7 sections to read in history and I don’t know if I can do it and pass the test! I’m so stupid…I was openly sobbing in history one I got the grade back… my god I’m such an idiot… I fail everything…. I hate this… I can’t even get home without getting bitched at for being a lousy fuck up… but mark can be disrespectful and con mike out of as much money as he wants and mind won’t say a word to him because he doesn’t want to upset him because he only gets to see him for such a sort time… SO WHAT?! I don’t get it! He comes here with no money and my dads dumb enough to give him some!!! He rented a car for him! Bought him camping equipment! EVERYTHING! but when I want to do something it’s “NO… it’s do it yourself, you have a paycheck that you waste every week”, “get off the phone”, “why don’t you study harder? How can you do that with the TV blaring and the CD player on” … I DIDN’T TURN ON DR.PHIL! YOU DID! and of I touch the remote then I get yelled at! ” you’re butt lazy that’s what you are! butt fucking lazy” … that all I ever hear from them, especially from mike!

and I should be studying for my history test… but I feel so sick right now… I don’t think I can… I’m so distracted and I feel so sick… I have 6 days to get through 6 sections because I already did the first one… I have to get through them all, I have to get A’s on these tests, I need to get good grades but I’m scared that I’m, not smart enough to do it… like there’s not enough time in the day for me to be smart…. I don’t know… I got those good grades on my report card but they mean nothing to me because I feel like I’m not good enough, like even if I got straight A’s I’d still not be good enough…. I feel like there’s something wrong with me… I feel like I’m living a lie… I feel like everything about me is all made up by what’s been seen and what happened before… and I’m fucking sick of it!

I taught concert choir with a friend of mine today and it was a total nightmare…. I know that no one likes me, people were even saying you have the “Nobody and the hated girl” teaching the class… that would be me and Alyssa…. fuck… you know… maybe I don’t want to do that when I grow up… maybe I just want to get my doctorate in Music and fuck the rest of them? Hun? You know something… I feel empty now… I feel drained and empty… and cold all over….

I think I’m just going to go do nothing for while… just say fuck it all and pretend it was the way it use to be.. and I’ll try not to kill myself…. maybe that would be a good idea… or maybe not….

if I don’t talk to you later, I love you. I very much I love you more the life in itself. You’ve been the reason I’ve continued to breath, the reason I smile…You’re everything to me… I don’t know what else to say… I’m not really good at letting you know how much I really love you…I wish I was better at it… because without you I’d be nothing…. I just wish my dad didn’t spend his nights eavesdropping… I thought our private conversations were private…. guess they weren’t…

yeah, welcome to Sunday morning?


So much for easy like Sunday morning… I had a good Saturday night though, wentout on a date with artie. He’s a sweet guy. I loved spending the time with him. We went to see the Santa Clause 2. It’s pretty cute, kinda lame too. the first one was better. I’m not a big fan of sequles. but he brought me a corsage! I told him I got him a forse because he’s a sweet guy and coming from so far away. then he goes and gets me a corsage with baby lillys!!!!!

anyway… .yeah, the homecomming dance was scrapped until dec.14th, but I had fun. We wandered around the commons for a little bit and he’s got me into those new Lego Bionicle things. I baught two of them and I may go back for more today. there fun.

He even came into Clinton Bagel and visited me! he’s so sweet. For the first time in my life I took a break!!! wee! that was so sweet of him. I don’t know… it kinda felt wrong though… and he ttired things, he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable… but sometimes he did and I told him to back off…

The only sad thing is, I still feel like this is all wrong…and the guy I really want I’ll probably never see… whats the matter with me?!