kill me


… i lost my whole huge entry… because this computer is a fucking piece of fucking shit…. I don’t have time to post the whole thing again and it will probably just get lost again anyway… I don’t get how that happened.

good fucking morning, you can all go die now…

forgive the excess drama… but I just really don’t want to be here and really don’t want to deal with life anymore at this point… its probably my period talking… so ignore me. It might be my journal ,but no one needs to read it….

I feel like deleting it again… not like any of you really care. somebody please commit me

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At my mothers for the night… and a day…


so… I’ve been here a few hours and I’m ready to go back home to my Davis again… It was an okay day really… it started with me getting into weggies about 30 minutes late because I knew I had to go to my mothers today and I just didn’t want to. 

… well, all this started yesterday… I went on a walk… and it was like… 90 outside and I walked from home to Mary’s up to Moco to get my car… and i never had anything to drink… then i went to get lunch and sun screen and other things and by the time I was able to be with my Davis I was getting a headache, sweating really bad, i was thirsty but couldn’t drink anything and felt like i was out of my head… and until I sat down I was hungry but lost my appitite (I ate anyway though and then felt really sick). I had to ask him to drive me home on his lunch because I just didn’t feel like I was tracking well enough to drive myself… I felt so bad. He stopped and got ice too for me to try to feel better…

I got home and just collapsed on the bed and layed there until he got home, watched TV and things… I treid to wake up enough to be happy with him… but every moment that we’re together I just feel like life is perfect, the world is pretty and everything is all happy… I know it sounds sick and like I’m a patetic little puppy but to feel his body against mine, and to see his face and to just be there… I cant really put the words there. I just feel like we’re in a better place then. That our little apartment is the whole world and nothing is perfect but life is good… no matter what happens… 

sorry… I miss him a lot right now… i miss him and feel like i could cry because I really feel like I’m here because my mommy wants me to be here for her birthday and I want to be with him and with her and try to have this perfect little world and its impossiable because of the mistakes I’ve made, the lies I’ve told and everything I have to eventually make a choice about what I want to do and how I want to do it and I don’t know how thats going to happen… I want to be with him, marry him, be happy and live with him… I want to have a different relationship with my parents…. I don’t think I can live here for the last month of summer. I have to think of something to do about this…

I just wish that my mother would speak to him.. something like that i wish that i could be strong enough to explain these things and not feel like i have to please her… I don’t have to feel like my first duty is to please her. This is my life. I need to do things in my life to make my life meaningful to me….He is meaningful to me…I want them to know this… I have to stop lying about the realtionship, I have to find my inner backbone with her…

I feel sad… very, very sad… 

Work was good today, the drive was good too… but the day went so fast and it made me so sad that he was so busy with customers that I couldn’t spend more time with him before I left. I get so scared that everytime I leave its going to be the last time and I’ll never see him again, feel him again… 

I have to stop this post now. I cant do this again.

shrek 3


we went tonight and it was pretty good….. not my favorite shrek movie ever and it just made me even more clucky!!!!

the babies were cute but i think the little donke dragons are totally adorable…

i have homework to do now… and maybe i’ll post about the bunny when i get around to it and how disgusting the cage was…. maybe i’ll even get a picture.

morning morning….


back at Dr.Kellys class again… just a few more weeks to go… thats so exciting that I’m going to do damn well in this class and nothing can stop me.

I worked last night from 4-9 with Nellum and that was Ok. Donald was all nice to me and it was weird because he can be a real ass when he wants to be… whatever…

So… its going to storm here today… i wanted to get somekind of a post in.

yep yep.

more later if I feel like it….

maple was down last night. 😦

Talked to my mother…


Shes going to be giving me a little bit of money at the beginning of every week to try to help me get by since my paycheck just isn’t cutting it at the moment… cant wait for my hours to go up to 30 again… damn…

anyway…. not so angry about the Mk thing today… I talked for about a minute to Joyce and things about the whole fiasco… and i’m still royally pissed but I guess thats how it works….

off to class now… more later I think… I ahve to work tonight nad poor donald has to be manager for the next 2 days… poor guy never gets to go home…

and nellum is an idiot. but thats nothing new. She did the cookies all wrong. sometimes I think shes totally retarded. how could someone work at that smae department for 5 yers and still get everything WRONG!

gotta go… not really but I just feel like I should and maybe make it look like I care or something…

more later… I said that 4 times already.

yeah

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