its not very dignified… but i work in a foodstore as a cake decorator. i dont like to say i work at a food store because i dont like thinking about it on days like this… i know there is nothing to be ashamed of… but there are days i just wish for more to life than this.
i love my dreams about getting to be a professor, getting to teach what i love in life and enjoying it. I understand this is just another step on that journey to get there. but somedays it just feels like i’m going to be working at this place forever.
i wish i could do some homework now, that would be a great use of my time this morning. oh… yeah… that too… right now my Xamp and i only have one car…the breaks on his are so bad right now and we cant afford to get the work done that needs to be done. i would rather sit here and know that hes safe than worry about him in his truck. this is worth it to me… so before it sounds like im whining… i feel like i had to make at least that explanation for my own sanity…
so he had to be in at 5, i have to be in at 7, so he dropped me off on his way in and i luckily remembered to bring my laptop with me! i dont know what i would have done for 2 hours without it here. and i cant punch in either because our new manager really doesn’t like me. she put me into that "dislike" category because of a lot of dumb things… like me being in school..
so i cant ask to take an 8 hour day today… but thats okay though, i can sit up here and work on other things while i have a chance for it! thats good enough for me! i get to watch the world go by below me too, there’s a lot going on around here even at 5am, i forget that sometimes.
I’m still strugging with getting lesson 4 started, i feel silly for saying that because its not hard… i guess what i was looking for was something really complicated and lofty and something different. i keep reading it over and seeing how important these things are to learn, but i just dont know where i am finding my problem. i feel like if i just keep searching for it i will find where my hesitation is to this lesson and where my defect is.
I’m so tired…Xamp works 5-2 today, and i’m 7-2 so its going to be nice if i can make sure that i’m done on time… i dont even know what part of the department im working on, they could put me anywhere.
i think im just scared of loosing my job… i think i’m scared because i know the new bakery manager doesn’t like me because of what my availability was because of school, because i ask for things they didnt want to give me and now i’m scared that nothing will be good enough to help me. i’ve done what they ask of me… i made my availability more… and i work when they want me too…i was just so rattled by being told that i’m [I]leaving them without many options[/I]… i dont know how being available 32 hours a week leaves them that way…but i am just a part time cake decorator who needs her job… and doesn’t know what she’d do without it. times are tough for everyone… i understand that i am not special or different or anything apart from just another person…
they made me be available to work nights again… they told me i had to give them more hours than i have… that i have to be willing to work whatever i can get because this is not my store, or my department… its theirs … i got through the grapevine that if i didnt do more for them i would be fired… they had no problem getting rid of other people because of them being in college… even scholarship winners like me…
maybe i need to work on writing myself some affirmations? or work with my tarot about this… or something else to see what i can do. i know i am a good decorator… not as good as the two cake gods… but i’m a good decorator… that means nothing… i know that… but its so important to me. so important and makes me so stupid sometimes i think. i’ve wanted to be a cake decorator since i was a very little girl, so to be working as one somewhere is such a big deal to me, probably bigger than it should be… but its one of those silly little kid dreams… everyone else wanted to be something else cute or powerful or fun… i wanted to play with my food.
wow this is getting rambily… but i wanted to get it out of my system before i have to go downstairs and try to make myself appear to be totally normal and not have a care in the world and just be happy.
oh no, starting to get tired and need to wake myself up… i still have to be here for another 9 hours at minimum…
i should go read over my lesson for here again, i have one other paper to work on for this week and 2 discussion board posts and then all of this homework will be done. i’m looking forward for that. the 5 page paper is due by midnight wednesday and the other two things i want to have done this afternoon! i know i can do it 😀 i just dont know if i can do it from here this morning because of the internet filter…
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