usually I try to post during old testament, but today i was so distracted by other things … i still have to finish that last paper, but its mostly done. it will be done by midnight, no question.

today i had my last meeting for student teaching, i really loved the experience and I’m going to really encourage my students to take the chance to do this when they’re the right year.

but my friend Sue reminded me we had the meeting, and that i forgot to hand in the paper that has been DONE for a few weeks now… the prof is wonderful, and truly a gift as a spiritual director too. but we sat down and started to talk, just me, Sue and Marcella because our gentleman classmate was called away for work.

I left class yesterday because i felt emotionally ragged. my Xamp and i got into a confrontation abut a few things that were going on with our problem… and something else. but it was very deep and sad for both of us because it deals with a lot of the problems that we’ve been having lately. the biggest problem of this has to with the baby situation..

but Marcella asked me what was going on, and i told her and Sue what happened with us emotionally. I never meant for our group to turn into a support group… I learned that Marcella is 40 and her husband is 47, but they just had their beautiful daughter last june… and we shouldn’t worry too much… and that Sue lost a baby too a long time ago

i feel like i talk too much sometimes, i was just so upset about us fighting the other day because i never like me and my bunny to fight.. i just love him… we talked about the fight between me and Xamp and about how normal that is to have problems like this when we’re doing with such intense topics. it was nice to get the face to face talk… i never planned on saying anything about it … but when i left yesterday i was just so beat… sometimes this stuff can be hard…

but… we also talked about the problem in the Spiritual Formation class and how dated and just crappy the prof is… we’re going to work on fixing it .. .woohoo

ok… back to the paper due at midnight… i need to try not to take a nap

…and only having 2 rune lessons left and not doing them yet is killing me!!!!! haha

wegmans wegmans wegmans…

its not very dignified… but i work in a foodstore as a cake decorator. i dont like to say i work at a food store because i dont like thinking about it on days like this… i know there is nothing to be ashamed of… but there are days i just wish for more to life than this.

i love my dreams about getting to be a professor, getting to teach what i love in life and enjoying it. I understand this is just another step on that journey to get there. but somedays it just feels like i’m going to be working at this place forever.

i wish i could do some homework now, that would be a great use of my time this morning. oh… yeah… that too… right now my Xamp and i only have one car…the breaks on his are so bad right now and we cant afford to get the work done that needs to be done. i would rather sit here and know that hes safe than worry about him in his truck. this is worth it to me… so before it sounds like im whining… i feel like i had to make at least that explanation for my own sanity…

so he had to be in at 5, i have to be in at 7, so he dropped me off on his way in and i luckily remembered to bring my laptop with me! i dont know what i would have done for 2 hours without it here. and i cant punch in either because our new manager really doesn’t like me. she put me into that "dislike" category because of a lot of dumb things… like me being in school..

so i cant ask to take an 8 hour day today… but thats okay though, i can sit up here and work on other things while i have a chance for it! thats good enough for me! i get to watch the world go by below me too, there’s a lot going on around here even at 5am, i forget that sometimes.

I’m still strugging with getting lesson 4 started, i feel silly for saying that because its not hard… i guess what i was looking for was something really complicated and lofty and something different. i keep reading it over and seeing how important these things are to learn, but i just dont know where i am finding my problem. i feel like if i just keep searching for it i will find where my hesitation is to this lesson and where my defect is.

I’m so tired…Xamp works 5-2 today, and i’m 7-2 so its going to be nice if i can make sure that i’m done on time… i dont even know what part of the department im working on, they could put me anywhere.

i think im just scared of loosing my job… i think i’m scared because i know the new bakery manager doesn’t like me because of what my availability was because of school, because i ask for things they didnt want to give me and now i’m scared that nothing will be good enough to help me. i’ve done what they ask of me… i made my availability more… and i work when they want me too…i was just so rattled by being told that i’m [I]leaving them without many options[/I]… i dont know how being available 32 hours a week leaves them that way…but i am just a part time cake decorator who needs her job… and doesn’t know what she’d do without it. times are tough for everyone… i understand that i am not special or different or anything apart from just another person…

they made me be available to work nights again… they told me i had to give them more hours than i have… that i have to be willing to work whatever i can get because this is not my store, or my department… its theirs … i got through the grapevine that if i didnt do more for them i would be fired… they had no problem getting rid of other people because of them being in college… even scholarship winners like me…

maybe i need to work on writing myself some affirmations? or work with my tarot about this… or something else to see what i can do. i know i am a good decorator… not as good as the two cake gods… but i’m a good decorator… that means nothing… i know that… but its so important to me. so important and makes me so stupid sometimes i think. i’ve wanted to be a cake decorator since i was a very little girl, so to be working as one somewhere is such a big deal to me, probably bigger than it should be… but its one of those silly little kid dreams… everyone else wanted to be something else cute or powerful or fun… i wanted to play with my food.

wow this is getting rambily… but i wanted to get it out of my system before i have to go downstairs and try to make myself appear to be totally normal and not have a care in the world and just be happy. 

oh no, starting to get tired and need to wake myself up… i still have to be here for another 9 hours at minimum…

i should go read over my lesson for here again, i have one other paper to work on for this week and 2 discussion board posts and then all of this homework will be done. i’m looking forward for that. the 5 page paper is due by midnight wednesday and the other two things i want to have done this afternoon! i know i can do it 😀 i just dont know if i can do it from here this morning because of the internet filter…

::End Transmission::

only a few hours to go

my dad will be down to have lunch with me in less than an hour …. this research stuff sucks and i have no intrest in doing it either… if i had my way and wasnt getting graded i would totally be at home in bed napping the morning away with my Davis and life would be good.

hes always telling me i have choices and i believe him, but i always feel so conflicted inside, i feel like i want to see my parents because i still have that stupid part of me that thinks ‘this time will be different’ even when i know that its not true… i just wish there was a way i could be decisive on things like this.

i just hate making choices, and i have all this control and all this power and i have no intrest in having it… because it makes me feel so bad to have it and makes me feel sick because i never want to use it. i hate even thinking about where to go to eat.

and only my guy knows about it. there are a lot of people who have no idea i think… and i try so hard to hide it and i think i just want to be left to my own things… and just not have to do things like that…

well, i should be working on the stuff for this paper due wednesday….and maybe the thesis… shit… oh… and the other stuff too… how will this ever all get done?

the big presentation

last week my very intolerant evangelical and proselytizing professor asked me and our 5 Moslem brothers to do presentations about our own spiritual formations and faith traditions to teach him and the class. We were terrified because hes rude to us in class… so i said i would go first… and then my brothers would go next week, with one of my closest friends leading the other brothers in their talk.

i was terrified about doing this and thought it would be disaster … he told me i got 20 minutes to talk about everything and 10 minutes for questions

this guy is a total jerk and i cant stand him… everything is very … um… well.. evangelical and reform and all jesus jesus jesus its so hard for me to put up with because hes not even honoring the pluralism that is present in a christian community … but for the love of gods…. but its ok, i just plan on doing whatever i can to get through it and not make trouble… but we all had to have these talks with him about our faiths and how they work and what we want out of this class. i told him i am just here for the credits and whatever we can do to make this easier on both of us will be appreciated. but last week when we talked it went on for hours too… like… 90 minutes because he had so many questions for me.

Fatih was nervous about going first so i said that i would for him… and that way we could model our presentations alike

Thanks to my wonderful, patient, handsome and just amazing the presentation had the form that was needed. if it wasn’t for him i dont know if i would have gotten the organization down. He is definately a lot of the brains in our opperation. i want us to do the biiig presentation together when it comes to that, and i can only hope when the thesis turns into a book that we will co-write it and then he’ll get the credit he deserves for all of the wonderful things that he does… so… the success of this goes more to him for its form… i just did the set up.

today i taught a class on Wiccan Spiritual formation, i set up my altar and compared the 12 Christian Sacred Disciplines to wiccan ritual and practice. I stood up infront of the class and we talked and had a question and answer period from noon- 2pm EST… a bit over 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we went over ritual tools, clothing… cowen vs. coven … so many wonderful things and they couldn’t get enough.

this HUGE 30 or so fully Christian group, and my one Moslem friend and his four brothers which i am close to but not like the one… and they couldn’t stop asking questions, asking me to tell them more and more without giving away any secrets. and they were all so grateful, so thankful for this experience. the seminary community all came into our class and they wanted to know so much and more and more and more. i am so happy. i feel like in our tiny, tiny seminary community here has grown so much in the past few hours.

this is the altar i set up for them!!!!!




debt collectors

i hate when people call me and i get so hopeful that it will be that doctor and its just the damn debt collector for the doctors office….. les sigh… well, whatever they’ll get paid eventually but i cant do it now… i’d love to set up a payment plan but i dont know how to do that… i’ll figure it out… i just dont know how to get in touch with them if they dont call me

well its day 2 without a car, only 3 more days to go until i get to use her again… but of course Xamp will get priority. of course i don’t mind, its only until we get the brakes fixed on his. all in due time, my biggest concern is that he is safe and protected. and if i have to walk! so be it! That’s part of being healthy!

I really would like to be able to go a few places, but when we both get home this afternoon i know he’ll take me to the store and a few other things. He’s a good man and i love him.

this is a great time to get my studies done. I’m doing 2 rune lessons a day which i love, i cannot wait to get back to my Magickal tools work… i’ve not found wood for a wand that i like yet. I want to order in ironwood from new mexico but i feel like that would be cheating. i’ve looked up all the sacred woods and i feel connected to that one even if i’ve never seen it …

I’ve gotten my student teaching paper to 10 pages, if i can get it done this morning it can be handed in … then i will do the one for Old testament, that is only 5 pages … and of course the contemplative communication and relationship autobiography … and this is all before i can work on the thesis again. if i could just have that done by October something, but i know a more reasonable date would be November. I can do it, i know i can! its just school and time management!

this is very exciting and i want to share it, near where we live is an amazing interfaith bookstore. They’re primarily christian but they embrace everyone as welcome in faith. So we like to go there and look for alter supplies. 3 years ago we got my Hecate chalice there! That’s such a beautiful tool, its made out of the most wonderful translucent onyx from Southwest Asia. when my refund check came in last week i asked if we could go over there and look around. I didn’t want to spend all of it on things like that… but we have had things we want to see.

We found the most amazing candle holders! some of them are onyx like the chalice is, but the other two look like people dancing! we’ve been looking at them for months and they’ve still been there! So we decided it was time to get both of them! I love picking out alter supplies.

We don’t have space for an altar right now, but my husband is a woodworker and as soon as we get our new house… he already drew up plans for what it will look like! I cant wait to help make it. so we just collect everything we need until we can use it.

I should get pictures of them! they are so unique!