So carry your blues behind your eyes,
Don’t flatter yourself I will survive.
So carry your blues your own denial.
Your feathers are gone you’ll never fly.

If I could change anything,
Then I would wipe the years away.
If I could change anything,
Then I would brush the time away.
If I could change anything,
Then I would change everything.
These bitter days shall remain.

Since you’re gone I’m much better than you

… yes, ’tis a lot of HTML that I did… and it was all worth it too! Proves I’ve had nothing to do recently.

Today was such a busy day for me, and it was fun too… I went into to CBC at roughly 7 something… but the road was blocked off. Most of lee street was, so I had to take the highway to work and I was late (as usual) Turns out that there was a bad fire that took a long time to put out struck the town and they had to close everything down! Really, really sad. A bunch of buildings torched, 4 I think. Old ones too… a lady I know had her jewelry store destroyed!

poor Joan…

but I worked until 11am … my mom is still sick… she’s been sick all year… and she might have to go to the hospital for more tests soon… *sighs* I want her to be better already… And it’s stressing Mike out he’s so rude and snappy to her and she can’t help it… I hate him so much for it… he’s such an asshole sometimes… well, not just sometimes.. ALL THE TIMES… I can’t stand how he hates me sometimes… where all he does it yell at me and lecture me… and I just want him to shut up about it all and just leave me alone… I can’t be what you want me to be so shut up already! … you’re just making it worse…

there’s so much I still can’t even say…

I worked at the NHMA car wash today too.. Mike punished me soundly before hand though… so there wasn’t much joy in going there knowing the before I went up to the wal*mart and when I got home I’d be punished again… and I was… but it was great while I was there Dave Rocco and I split some McDonalds fries and it was cool! We raised over $500 I believe! it was great, I didn’t wash any cars though *damn* 😛 I was just begging at the door! *lol* great fun, all the people from Clinton Bagel who knew me contributed Generously!!!

So I get home, get in trouble and yelled at more… and I go upstairs to call Victor… I feel Bad. He’s got bad sinuses and other things… and his moms a bitch and stuff… I really wish I was there with him to help out and everything. I hate his family so much for what they do to him! He does everything there and I feel so bad for it… I love him to death and there’s nothing I can do to help him. *smiles* I promised to send him some Zyrtec in the mail to see if that helps him, maybe some of my clarinex too. *smiles* Wooo hoo the FBI is going to LOOOVE me…

But we get DCed and all that rot… a few times… and then I give up because of a phone call. I have to call him back later tonight… maybe about 10ish… the usual tile for us… I’m a little guilty about talking to Dave last night during Victors time… but I think we both really needed it. Him especially…

he’s such a great guy… I worry about him sooo very much…I hate seeing him upset… but i did do part of it last night… I was on a really short fuse and I got pissed off at him… and I told my mom and she said to let him alone for the rest of the night… but with each message I got from him… *sighs* It just made me feel more and more guilty and i did call him… and it seemed like his night got so much worse… I had a guilt on my head for a while after that…

but we talked for over an hour… just about stuff in the journals, and opinions of people… I really wish I could record one of our conversations like that. I’d put it in my book and it would be my perfect Saybia reference… I love how he thinks… we talked of Heather and Victor… and ho he said we have so much in common yet we’re with the exact opposites… and about me and Victor Red-assing people…

and I can’t help but keep looking at how hard it’s raining and how that just keeps coming and going, downpours then it backs off… like it’s starting to do again now. … I like the rain…

but the rest of the night has been pretty Vanilla, pretty damned Vanilla… I’m gonna watch an old musical movie from the 40’s or 50’s with Fred Estair. I love those movies! Dave Rocco invited me to go see “Finding Nemo” tonight with him, but I wanted to hang out with my mom…

I’m gonna post a few pictures

::End Transmission::

my results for a personal attraction test

Who You Are

You’re a Hidden flower
You’re a very balanced person. You have a talent for seeing beyond the details of day-to-day life. You refuse to settle long-term for a boring job or doing something just because it’s expected of you. Love is the same way. Despite your natural charm, you can’t pretend to care for someone if you’re missing a deep connection. You’re a secret romantic, even if you’d feel too silly to admit it. You’re ready and able to experience romance and a powerful “spark” with someone special. Your biggest challenge may be finding time to connect given your busy (and often frantic) life.

How unique is your type?
Your personality profile is similar to a number of women your age. Looking at over 10,000 women who have taken the test, about 34.2% (or 1 in 3 women) have very similar beliefs, values, and habits. Of course, the way these qualities are expressed in you is what makes you so unique.

Quirks men notice
Like all women, you have your strengths as well as your quirks and shortcomings. Ultimately, you want to find someone who will love and accept you “warts and all.” Because you’re a private person, it’s especially important that you find a partner who understands.

~At times you can become so focused on ideas, plans for the future, or a new project that you lose track of the day to day details of life (like doing laundry, balancing your checkbook, or even eating).

Do men like your type
Notice that 79% of men are generally attracted to your personality type. 19% say they are VERY attracted. With the millions of people on, that translates into lots of potential matches.

Who you’re looking for

He’ll be an Enigma
You’re looking for a very balanced man. He’ll have clear goals in life without being a dreamer. You’ll both enjoy going out with friends but also love spending quiet times together. He’ll manage to balance an objective and rational side with a very compassionate and caring side. On top of that, he’ll be a fun and free spirit but still do what he promises and show up on time. Sound too good to be true? Men who are truly balanced like this are rare, but they do exist and would be an excellent fit for you.

Number of men your type
Men with the exact type of personality you prefer are rare gems. Looking at over 10,000 men who have taken this test, only 6% (or 1 in 17 men) have the exact combination of similarities and contrasts in personality you find extremely appealing. However, there’s a larger group, 25% (or 1 in 4 men), who have most, but not all, of the qualities and habits you like.

finding someone you like
You want to share your life with someone who has the same values, goals, and style you have. Research has shown that couples who have more in common tend to stay together longer. The qualities you find attractive (and unattractive) in men suggest you would certainly be happier with a man who’s more like you.
~No very strong opposites were detected, which suggests that you are most attracted to men who are very similar to you. This is good news since similar couples tend to stay together longer

Quirks you can tolerate
The truth is that everyone is potentially “high maintenance.” We all have our quirks and shortcomings. The key to long-term harmony is finding a man who can tolerate (or maybe even enjoy) your “quirks,” or the little personal oddities that make you unique. You seem okay with several common quirks that might come along with your “ideal” man
~You can get frustrated by his lack of input on decisions. Typically you’re left alone to make decisions about what to do, where to go, etc. But most of the time the balance between you helps things go very smoothly.

Downside of your “ideal”
In addition to his quirks, your “ideal” personality type may have other qualities that are more frustrating or challenging to deal with. Under stress, his quirks can become serious “flaws.” But remember, these quirks are the “flip side of the coin,” or the extreme end of qualities you otherwise find appealing. So, be prepared if
~Because you’re most attracted to men with balanced personalities, no troubling differences were noted. Nevertheless, remember that too much similarity can lead to conflict as well, especially when problems call for very different perspectives or actions.

Deal breakers
You seem ready to adapt to the good and frustrating qualities of the men you’re looking for, but there are types of men you clearly do NOT like. Men’s habits and attitudes you’d have a hard time putting up with include:
~Men who lack an imaginative or creative side.

Tradeoffs you’ll face with your ideal partner

Good qualities:
~Tries to balance spending time with a few close friends and going out with a big group of friends.
~Tries to balance a creative and imaginative side, with “real world” pragmatics about what you can and cannot do.
~Tries to balance an objective view of problems with compassion for the people and feelings involved.
~Tries to be decisive, but still not rush into anything.

Challenging Qualities
~Given the demands of family, friends, and activities, it’s hard to find time alone together.
~Promising ideas are often dropped if they don’t succeed right away.
~Competing drives from your rational vs. compassionate points of view can stand in the way of making decisions.
~How much attention is given to problems and how decisions get made seems unpredictable.


Romantic sex
Good sex is important to you, but it’s only one of many ways you connect emotionally with your partner. Whether it’s sexual or simply an affectionate touch, you give and receive pleasure easily. Among women your age, your particular combination of sexual drive and interests is similar to about 1 in 8 women (13%).

Is he sexually compatible?
You’re looking for someone just like you, who values the quality of sex over the quantity. You want someone who would never pressure you about sex.

What’s ahead for you sexually?
A good sexual match plays a key role in your “ideal” relationship. Your profile points to a very promising sex life with your future partner. If you can bring your natural creativity and imagination to the bedroom, your sex life will never be boring. You know what it’s like to emotionally connect with someone and truly make love (vs. just having sex). It will be hard (or impossible) to settle for anything less. Someone as loving and sensual as you should hold out for a man who shares your passions.

my mind…

I just feel like lying down on my back outside in the wet grass and looking up into the sky and looking for the stars and if I can’t see any I’ll make one up… and if there are natural ones there … I’d trace them for myself and make some kind of picture in the sky…

before I painted my ceiling I had the stars and the little dots on my ceiling and I’d trace them and make so many pictures for myself… and I’d feel safe with my mind wandering and nothing else there to take my mind away…

but then I got older and escape started getting harder and harder for me to do and now I lye in bed at night and I think about all the people that I care about… and I think about all the things I want to do… and all the people who I want to help… and it keeps me up at night stairing at my ceiling… wishing for that answer…

and once again… like I do so often… I’ve run out of words


This is the bad thing about me… today totally sucked but I’m back to the other me… and I’m back to worrying about Dave … I feel like such a bitch for today… I really wish I could help Dave though… *sighs*

I’m over the Drum Major thing, I still want to cry.. but I can’t think on it at all… because I don’t like what happened from me being depressed like that…. *sighs* But I still have a throbbing headache..

..but that doesn’t mean anything to me right now…I’m just thinking about Dave and how I’m worried about him… I just wish things could be good for him… I don’t like seeing him hurting… *sighs*

I don’t really know what else to post… I’ve got so very much on my mind… when I sign off I’m just going to play some SA2… I’ve got so much on my mind…