things aren’t too bad lately … im so excited we went and were about to purchace a TABLE! a real table to sit and eat at!!! 😀 😀 😀 im trying to help make our house not suck so much. its good.

so i’ve not posted since the thing with my mother … i wish i could feel more like having something to write in here but lately i dont feel like im in a writing mood. We’re going to try to write a real script of things i can say to my mother to try to … um… well… make this transition easier.

other than that work has been pretty dificult lately, i’ve been kinda enjoying it but I really hate my boss … a lot … she’s a total moron and i dont understand how everyone just rushes to defend her! it makes me sick. the other 3 feel she can do no wrong… i just … i dont know

but somehow i feel kinda happy … even if my mother is making me crazy … i just feel like im out of school and dont know what to do with myself… but i miss writing in here. a lot.

the first of the explosions from today

kackersmom 11:41 am
(11:41:49 AM):     got my first……’i will pick you up and we will go down the shore and i will take you out in the kayak’   from ken this week

HereNow GoneL8er 11:42 am
(11:42:26 AM):     geeze
kackersmom 11:44 am
(11:44:04 AM):     it must be me!!!!   i think i need to go get my ears removed because i cant take it anymore  and et tu weedy…   EVERY BODY I TALK TO IS DOING STUFF WITH ME THAT NEVER HAPPENS

(11:45:18 AM):     no body and i mean no body owes me a thing…ever.   i just  may snap with the next  thing i am told that will never happen   so tell me why say ‘we will do_______________.   when the universe know it aint never going to happen???  why
HereNow GoneL8er 11:45 am
(11:45:53 AM):     i dont think EVERY human who says something like that doesn’t mean it. i think that some people have had so much crap on their mind so long that they forget.
HereNow GoneL8er 11:47 am
(11:47:52 AM):     so i dont know
kackersmom 11:48 am
(11:48:36 AM):     no only when its said to me

HereNow GoneL8er 11:52 am
(11:52:06 AM):     i dont know
kackersmom 11:52 am
(11:52:23 AM):     me either
kackersmom 11:55 am
(11:55:03 AM):     all i know is it makes me sad

HereNow GoneL8er 12:01 pm
(12:01:11 PM):     i just dont know

(12:01:50 PM):     BBS june. I have that thing to go to today.
kackersmom 12:02 pm
(12:02:23 PM):     what thing
HereNow GoneL8er 12:03 pm
(12:03:07 PM):     the pelvic floor thing i told you about a few weeks ago, i have an appointment today to try to figure out what is the best way to fix the issue and how long it might take until i can actually have a doctor look at my insides like a normal person. So i can function like a normal woman
HereNow GoneL8er 12:03 pm
(12:03:25 PM):     im not looking forward to it, but i know its medically necessary just incase anything is growing in there that i dont want,,, its important even if its unplesant
kackersmom 12:03 pm
(12:03:47 PM):     well there is always ultrasound

HereNow GoneL8er 12:03 pm
(12:03:54 PM):     i know, but thts not the answer to everything

conclusion …. and part 3

… and you think this is so easy for me? You think everything that happened was a little game all about you?! you don’t think for one second that ifi thought you’d have handled this better that i’d have not been forced into this position?! You put me here! You made THIS! you made ME into the monster that I am and you should be proud of it. This is the work of your life! you gave up everything you remind me of to be MY MOTHER. do you see this pressure you put onto me to be perfect?! do you see your proud little piece of art standing here unable to look at you now because of what I HAVE DONE TO YOU

stop it! just stop feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like everything thats happened is al labout you! if you could have just accepted what i was from the beginning you’d have not opened this up.

and how would you know what i feel .. .why would you have the gaul to even think for a heartbeat that i would care about how YO U feel when you don’t know what YOU did to me. I have been so angry at Y-O-U for years that to look at you makes me sick and angry! You STALKED ME… you CALLED HIS EX WIFE. you did all of these things and then held me captive there and i did feeling some perverted kind of loyalty to you and this power you held over me! 

how could you do that to me! Love doesn’t do that. and you want to know why i lied to you!? because i knew you would loose your mind… because when all of this started I didn’t know that this was a person i would love, i thought he was just an online friend i would never have to introduce you to. and now i know that you need to meet him and this is all you’re going to want to talk about makes me sick!!! i am ashamed of both of you for all of those things you did. you hired a PI, you tried to get a restraining order for YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER.

you forced me to make decisions i never wanted to make … i lied to protect him FROM YOU. i should have listened to what he wanted me to do the whole time … and you make it so i can never forgive myself for what happened … you make it so everytime i close my eyes i have nightmares about what I DID TO YOU … but you never could immagine what this did to me! because somhow i left YOU holding the bag … you are so stuck in your own world that maybe therapy for this would be good  … maybe then you could see there are two sides to every story. and my side was never to HURT you … IT WAS NEVER TO KILL YOU LIKE THIS … it was because if i wanted you to know anything about me or this person i had to put it into context. and you always made fun of my pretent friends

do you know how much ive wanted to kill myself because of you? 

do you know he made me promise never to do that and i did

do you know how worthless you make me feel everyday — how everything i do is impossiable because of you! 

do you know i never visit because i cannot look at you because nothing i do or say will be good enough for a self centered person like you … the perfect mother and her perfect daughter everyone wants! 

 i am going to fall face first into my vodka now… because that will make me forget about you and your little damaged world.

Part 2

(3:42:52 PM):     and id o remember saying u leave a lot out by ommission but not the other part
HereNow GoneL8er 3:43 pm
(3:43:07 PM):     i dont log my conversations, so i cant even go back to get it.

(3:43:13 PM):     but that is at least how i took it.
kackersmom 3:43 pm
(3:43:20 PM):     i feel u took an ‘odd’ situation and spun such a web around it that was so unnecessary and cruel
HereNow GoneL8er 3:43 pm
(3:43:41 PM):     and i regret it too! I screwed up for everyone
kackersmom 3:43 pm
(3:43:51 PM):     so i want to say this for the LAST TIME I HOPE IN MY LIFE.  
kackersmom 3:45 pm
(3:45:30 PM):     U MUst have an answer to this  i know u must have an answer to this….  i am not asking u why u picked him up i am asking you this::   WHY Did you place me in the middle?  why did u deceive me by actually putting this grown man on the phone after telling me he was your age and let me think it was a ‘kid’ ….why did you get me so involved…why

(3:46:01 PM):     THAT  is the answer i need.. 
HereNow GoneL8er 3:46 pm
(3:46:46 PM):     because i made stupid mistakes, did everything wrong, and then didn’t know what to do. because i am an idiot and should never have done it in the first place. because i made mistakes … because i never really knew what was going to happen … because once again we get back to a pont that i never PLANNED anything to happen like that. i never thought 5 minutes ahead of what i was doing and then everything snowballed a million different directions
kackersmom 3:46 pm
(3:46:48 PM):     you could have keep up your charade and not drawn me in  not have me be on the phone with him ever, not have me buy him a gift for you, a bowl at pfaltzgraff, etc.   i never needed to be in that position.
HereNow GoneL8er 3:47 pm
(3:47:00 PM):     leaving everyone (including myself) pissed off at me for being a moron

(3:47:11 PM):     and then i can never fix it

(3:47:14 PM):     because there is no fixing it

(3:47:19 PM):     so everyday i get to be ashamed of myself for what i idd

(3:47:21 PM):     because i cant fix it

(3:47:22 PM):     so there

(3:47:26 PM):     is that a good enough answer for oyu

(3:47:29 PM):     because its the only answer i have
HereNow GoneL8er 3:47 pm
(3:47:32 PM):     that i blew it

(3:47:35 PM):     and i screwed up
kackersmom 3:47 pm
(3:47:35 PM):     i wish i could let you experiece how this feels FOR ME.   U  are doing what u want to do and i am still left with this

(3:47:53 PM):     thats all u ever tell me and how could he be a party to it……. involving me i mean
HereNow GoneL8er 3:47 pm
(3:47:59 PM):     HE WAS NOT

(3:48:09 PM):     i didn’t tell him everything either
kackersmom 3:48 pm
(3:48:10 PM):     he talking to me on the phone seveal times
HereNow GoneL8er 3:48 pm
(3:48:17 PM):     yes he did

(3:48:22 PM):     but he didn’t know what i told you

(3:48:40 PM):     and i dont know if i ever told him all of it because i was so ashamed of myself for being such a dirtbag i wont talk about it with him either
kackersmom 3:48 pm
(3:48:45 PM):     well i was talking to him like i would a 20 year old not the father of two
HereNow GoneL8er 3:48 pm
(3:48:50 PM):     and he brings it up wanting to know what the hell was i not thinking

(3:48:52 PM):     yes, i know

(3:49:01 PM):     i know

(3:49:03 PM):     yes i know
kackersmom 3:49 pm
(3:49:23 PM):     why would he bring it up when i was the only one being made a fool of
HereNow GoneL8er 3:49 pm
(3:49:39 PM):     how do you think you were the only one being made a fool of when i was the one that did it

(3:49:41 PM):     and i get to live with it too
kackersmom 3:49 pm
(3:49:51 PM):     you were the puppet master
HereNow GoneL8er 3:49 pm
(3:49:53 PM):     HE brings it up ALL THE TIME
kackersmom 3:49 pm
(3:49:59 PM):     why?  whats it to him\
HereNow GoneL8er 3:50 pm
(3:50:00 PM):     because i refuse to talk about it

(3:50:05 PM):     because i was bad and wrong
kackersmom 3:50 pm
HereNow GoneL8er 3:50 pm
(3:50:40 PM):     Because it conserned him, and was bigger and beyond him, and i never should have done it
kackersmom 3:50 pm
(3:50:55 PM):     u two were in it i wasnt and didnt need to be
HereNow GoneL8er 3:51 pm
(3:51:05 PM):     and i will never get to forgive myself either for it

(3:51:10 PM):     and i’ll never be allowedto let it go either

(3:51:20 PM):     because i cant explain, i cant give anyone any answers more than i have

(3:51:25 PM):     and they will never be good enough

(3:51:33 PM):     and i guess everyone has better morals than i do
kackersmom 3:51 pm
(3:51:39 PM):     why not ???   see thisis the confusing part too for me.  you did what u wanted to do and are still doing it so wth?

(3:51:54 PM):     i am not talking about morals here
HereNow GoneL8er 3:52 pm
(3:52:09 PM):     so you think i’d just forget about it?
kackersmom 3:52 pm
(3:52:20 PM):     sure   life goes on
HereNow GoneL8er 3:52 pm
(3:52:21 PM):     you think out of everything that happened i wouldn’t still ahve something leftover after what happened?

(3:52:23 PM):     you didn’t?

(3:52:27 PM):     so why would I?
kackersmom 3:52 pm
(3:52:31 PM):     what
HereNow GoneL8er 3:52 pm
(3:52:42 PM):     i’m allowed to still feel bad about it

(3:52:47 PM):     and struggle with a better answer for why and what i did
kackersmom 3:52 pm
(3:52:49 PM):     because u were the one doing it   i was the fool!!!!
HereNow GoneL8er 3:53 pm
(3:53:26 PM):     yes i was

(3:53:37 PM):     so i still struggle with it
kackersmom 3:53 pm
(3:53:46 PM):     do you hear what i am saying…. i am not talking about who u were/are with   i am talking about what u did to me
HereNow GoneL8er 3:53 pm
(3:53:54 PM):     i know that!
kackersmom 3:53 pm
(3:53:56 PM):     why would u want to hurt me that way
HereNow GoneL8er 3:54 pm
(3:54:00 PM):     i never wanted to hurt you!

(3:54:04 PM):     it was never to hurt you!
kackersmom 3:54 pm
(3:54:10 PM):     i just cant get that straight in my head
HereNow GoneL8er 3:54 pm
(3:54:13 PM):     it NEVER crossed my mind to hurt YOU

(3:54:17 PM):     or embarass you

(3:54:18 PM):     or whatever
kackersmom 3:54 pm
(3:54:26 PM):     u deceived me
HereNow GoneL8er 3:54 pm
(3:54:28 PM):     it was not in my head!

(3:54:30 PM):     i know i did
kackersmom 3:55 pm
(3:55:05 PM):     u doing waht u do cant embarrass me it can only embarras you.    i dont embarrass easily unless i do  something and then still not easily
HereNow GoneL8er 3:55 pm
(3:55:24 PM):     ok
kackersmom 3:55 pm
(3:55:45 PM):     its the deceit thats killing me still
kackersmom 3:57 pm
(3:57:06 PM):     i would do anyting for you  i would listen to anything and attempt to understand i would/have stood up for you in all situations…….at least i do believe those things to be true   and so this still makes me cry and u know i dont do that very easily either   i dont know if i need to seek mental help to battle this away or what
HereNow GoneL8er 4:01 pm
(4:01:53 PM):     i dont know
kackersmom 4:02 pm
(4:02:41 PM):     and then i also think maybe thats why u dont come here because its easier not to spend time with me for fear of discussing this once and for all in person and so it ‘festers and ebbs and flows in my mind.   if u want to live ur life w\ith him thats your choice not mine – i did tell you older isnt wise but u do what you want.  my mother never told me that so it was all new to me that i ended up with a person older.  live your life but dont be deceitful to me.   and u owe it to yourself to figure out why you did this to me —– and to be clear by to me i mean drag me into it  – maybe u have issues with me that i was never aware of i dont know but u did for a reason of that i am sure
HereNow GoneL8er 4:04 pm
(4:04:05 PM):     i keep working on a good answer for you, i cant get a better one than what i have

(4:04:09 PM):     so i keep digging for one
kackersmom 4:04 pm
(4:04:54 PM):     well i dont know doesnt do it for me

(4:05:27 PM):     well was it fun?   maybe u are thinking too hard

(4:05:41 PM):     why were you telling me this stuff?  u should have an answer for that
HereNow GoneL8er 4:06 pm
(4:06:08 PM):     no it wasn’t fun

(4:07:18 PM):     and i know thats not good enough, and i dont know

(4:07:22 PM):     and = an*
kackersmom 4:07 pm
(4:07:47 PM):     do you comprehend how i feel/
HereNow GoneL8er 4:08 pm
(4:08:11 PM):     only on a microscopic level i guess
kackersmom 4:09 pm
(4:09:21 PM):     well maybe that is the problem
kackersmom 4:10 pm
(4:10:41 PM):     it would be like if i did something that you would have bet your life i would never have done  and you stoood up for me always, believed me always, defended me always,      and then u found out u didnt know me after all
HereNow GoneL8er 4:11 pm
(4:11:03 PM):     ok

(4:11:31 PM):     idont know what more to say
kackersmom 4:11 pm
(4:11:56 PM):     this is going nowhere  but if you only think u understand on a ‘microscopic level’  than u have no idea and this is just wasting time for  both of us so i will go for ride and get out of here for a while
HereNow GoneL8er 4:12 pm
(4:12:05 PM):     ok
kackersmom 4:13 pm
(4:13:30 PM):     i think that makes me feel even worse
 kackersmom is offline 4:14 pm

the conversation with my mother