the problem with having a public journal is that I can’t talk about all the things that are important to me. There are some things that the world can’t really know … especially if it means I’m going to hurt members of my family. I’m really overwhelmed…. I have a lot going on … I need things to change…

envy isn’t a good emotion


I know I’m human and it means that I should be ok with things like this … like I should be able to just always be the adult … and sometimes just like … let all this stuff go…. but I can’t. I get to see all my friends getting to the point where they can have a prosedure that might cure them … and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it … I hate this feeling… 

I cant even remember the last time I had something to say in here…


But I’ve felt like crap for a few days … and the thought of posting when I’ve been mostly a wreck wasn’t going to work.

It’s been almost 9 days. 9 days of nothing but denials on my Unemployment claims… denials on all the jobs I’ve looked for… denials on my SSD hearing and more delays… denial after denial … stresser after stresser. and not posting is bad for me. Not talking is bad for me… 

and I don’t know what to do about it. We’re caught between the rock and hard place of all my problems. Am I legitimately sick, or not. Is the constant sneezing in patterns of three … hacking in patterns of three. throat clearing … am I sick or not… is it this or not… I’ve been twisting and twisting the past few nights where my legs are in so much pain I’m awake in the middle of the night because of it. 

 

Ive really had nothing to say … I’ve wanted to say something to say … but… sometimes being mental just makes me want to be quiet 

The morning at OVR.


Well, the one good thing about a meeting at 8:30 is that it’s done… right? Something like that… She feels the way I do about this whole thing. Nothing that can be done about it though. She’s also worried about the whole “me not getting EUC because I was fired even though THEY freaked out…” problem. Found a few places for me to apply to …even if one of them I went over to talk to today …even though the lady wanted to talk to me right away she couldn’t hire me because I live in the wrong county. That part really sucked. They get their funding from Northampton, so they cant hire (ha.ha.ha, I actually typed the word fired first… proves where my mind is) someone from Lehigh… She said she wishes there was something she could do. The next stop is a part time position with another shop in the mall… or a few other places like that. 

It’s been agreed… part time jobs… no more full time attempts for me. We need something little for me to do just so we’ll have an income to help us get by. Bunny is all for that too, so is my mom. So, I guess that’s 4 against 1, right? I know its the right thing to do. It’s the smart… healthy… thing to do. It still feels a bit like failure as I look at all the people that I know, and everyone woh can hold down real jobs in fields that they really wanted… and then there’s me.

We went over a lot of what the problems are with me when I’m working … Sometimes there’s problems with actually seeing that I do have some pretty major disabilities… sometimes it can look like I’m either CARELESS, or HASTY, or NOT PAYING ATTENTION … when I have comprehension issues… and other organization issues that people think means I’m just doing whatever I feel like.  When really, I’m struggling with things. No one can see that…. or the constant questions that I have …it’s part of my problems. We’ve decided that the Tourette’s, and the Dystonia is almost the least (I know, isn’t that a funny way to put it) of my problems …right now we need to focus on the food allergies and try to find a job that we can get me that’s not going to poison me … or anything else like that. my Mammy and I talked about this too, we went over all the jobs I’ve had and all the problems that I’ve ever had … and it all goes back to my neuro/mental/emotional issues… or my learning disabilities…

She also really wants me to push for the service dog. I sorta have that in progress… sorta…well, not really. I’ve not started the applications for them … and I’ve not really done anything. I’ve sat here waiting until I get to my neuro appointment in March… I’m in-between doctors… I have to get my release papers from the one to the lawyer too … not looking forward to that one either.  just… scared…How sick is that…? It’s just another appointment. It’s just another day. I’m still scared after how the last appointment went.  

…and speaking of Dysto… it’s been coming back with a vengeance again. I don’t know why it cant just go away and leave me alone. Lately it’s been from my knees down… I’ve not even been able to get any decent sleep at night because of my knees going one way and my ankles and feet going the other. It’s AWFUL… and there’s nothing I can do. We’re out of Benedryl… I don’t have anything else I can take to try to get the edge off… I don’t have insurance so it’s not like I can just refill a PRN…. I don’t know what to do about it other than deal. I can deal. It’s like the nerve pain I’ve been getting shooting up my backside and through my middle. I can’t do anything about it other than whimper, and keep going. Even when the pain is so bad I cant even sit in my wheelchair, let alone do anything else. 

 

Well, I spent the past few days feeling sorry for myself again. That’s been something… right? I feel like I need to kick myself in the ass and just be over it, but its not working. I’m tired of freaking out over money… I’m tired of being scared and stressed over this adult stuff. I wanted more for my life… for our life… then this mess that we’re in. I could have gotten more done today… I mean, I spent the whole day yesterday sitting home waiting to see if we’re getting a plumber in, or if we could get the landlord to show up and unfreeze the pipes… Yes. We have water again… thankfully… 

 

So, after not sleeping at all from stress last night… and getting a 4 hour nap in … I think I’m almost ready to be done with today…Tomorrow is a new day … I have to try to get things done but … we’ll see…I just wish I could get this stress Rosacea under control… out of all my problems its really sad that …well.. this, stupid, pathetic cosmetic thing is what bothers me the most. I hate how much it hurts… and how bad I look. I know, pathetic, right? Time to go play some Doctor Who: Legacy… and … well, Oh, right! I have to pack Bunny’s lunch for tomorrow…. and figure out something to do…