today ends my first 3 days of vacation … i'm in today for a few hours then Monday-Wednesday I'm off again. I can't wait for that to start …. I'm a little scared … we go back to the specialist again on Monday afternoon to have a reeval … That made yesterday a little hard because Xamp wanted to be able to do a little checkup himself on me. Yes, he knows what to look for and how to do it, but i wanted nothing to do with it. He was upset with me. I can understand why, but it doesn't mean that i like it any better.

I should check in on the F&P board, it's been a while and i feel like i could use all the help i can get for this.

I saw my old man for his birthday on Friday … first we power cleaned the house … i didn't want him coming into a wicked huge mess. It looked great when we were done! I can't get over how much better everything was and we didn't even make BIG changes to anything. A little shuffle here, a little straighten here… Xamp said he knew my father wouldn't come in, but that's not the point to me.

 we went over to the Sands and to the Carnegie deli to celebrate, just the two of us. Usually that makes for an okay day. He gave me 5 dollars and i won 37.75. 😀 So with THAT i was able to buy his lunch! I was so grateful to whatever deity was looking out for me that day because we didn't really have the money for me to take him out. Oh and while we were there i got a phonecall from Insphere agency asking me if i would be interviewed. I had to just check the message but i need to call them back today or e-mail them and see.

So after lunch He decided he wanted to do business too …i still don't get it really … we had to go over to Ice Cream World for him to talk to one of his clients. So he introduces me … acts like i have something to do with it and i do what i do everyday at work … while the person that matters makes small talk I go and check the product. I found 4 cans that had the old 'As Seen On Food TV' stickers on them … so i tried to get his attention …. he ignored me … i tried again … he turns away … so i get a little frustrated and bring the cones over to him … he yells at me … then is upset i wont get ice cream and we get out to the car and he rips me a new one because i made him look bad, insulted the business and it's not my responsibility. I told him to leave me there and i would get my own way home. I'm not putting up with it … so he takes the LONGEST way from Allentown back to Bethlehem yelling at me up and down Hamilton … I wanted to jump out the window …

then we get to the Hamilton bridge and he asks me "was this the bridge your friend jumped off of"

EX-CUSE-ME?!?!?!?! … first of all, NO … second of all, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP …. it's still a sore subject for me … so i tell him what happened when Brian jumped off the other bridge on the other side of town.

then we got back to my house, he gives me the stuff from my mother, i give him the stuff to give to my mother … enter another lecture. He went home … and i called her to tell her all about it.

she was upset about the whole cone thing because HE started it and now he wants me to have nothing to do with it. well fine, I'll happily take on the SAME attitude that i have about Wegman's that i have about your cones. FORGET YOU! He said in an e-mail to me later how this was all his fault and blahblahblah but he had a good day and liked seeing me … again, whatever!

um… Celtic Classic is this weekend too. We finally went over to see it yesterday afternoon … i wanted us to go over for a lot of other stuff in the morning but we didn't get there. It was nice going out for breakfast though, i guess it was more brunch because i had an omelet and he had a burger. it was much better than last year and i won the shirt that i won that says HAGGIS?! on it with a sheep. we spent a few hours walking around and came home. I wanted to spend more time there, but the stuff i wanted to do and what he wanted to do was different and we're short on money. So, we just got Lime Fizz and gave the last 7 of our food tickets away to a mother and her young son. That made them happy. I didn't get a funnel cake but that's a decision i made … i was just disappointed.  I feel like i had this weekend planed for months and it was nothing like what i hoped it would be. It just turned out to be a bummer.

Xamp wasn't happy either, he knew how much i wanted this to be good … but we did what he wanted to do and after we talked earlier about how he feels about concerts and events i didn't want to subject him to have to go to yet another concert with no seats and its just a mess.  So, we didn't see the two bands i wanted to go see, but we did have a nice walk downtown and back home.  I even learned that those trees that drop those weird green balls are actually walnuts! My mother has a few of those big trees in her yard and we had no idea… so we broke one open and looked at it and i had no idea. that was really neat!

but here i am … i've got 10 minutes before i have to go back to work and I'm trying to get myself to some type of zen-ish place. Today can't be too bad… i'm only going to be there from 5-1:30… i can be quiet that long…. i am sooooooooo scared about my review though … they moved it back because i was written up … so i get my 'month eval' … i wish i could throw my apron at them and quit then … but that's rude! lol 

ok … time to get organized ….

… i’ve been picking up fish scales for an hour … why does this stupid fish jump out of the tank so much.

 i love him a lot, but somehow this is crap. we were TRYING to read the cards … and hes freaking out

oh skeeee…




I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE … IF I COULD STOP CRYING LONG ENOUGH TO TRULY BE ANGRY I WOULD… but instead im going to continue to be hysterical because you all suck

Today Xamp and i had the day off together, its so nice to be able to have time like this together. i have so much to post about and feel like I've been so bad about it! so… lemme think about where to start. oh. we went out for breakfast today too and it was sooooo nice to be together. we went to the bookstore today too after that. he got a book, i got a new reference to help me with being a co facilitator on the Familiar Help and Animal Reference boards

and the shadowshapes tarot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D. it's so cool.


we had a big fight the other week and i'm still really upset about it. he said something true that broke my heart and made me realize how worthless i really am and have always been for my whole stupid pathetic useless life…. all i can do is try to be less like that now that i can hit myself in the face every time i start to do it. i don't know if i will ever not want to kill myself when i realize what i do … but i can at least hope to some day be the person he deserves … and not that horrible person i was…. it makes me want to slit my own throat just thinking about it. he's a bad person … and he did bad things … i don't do those disgusting things… all of them at least … but… i don't want to talk about it anymore. i don't want to be sad anymore.


oh, Lesson 18! I'm really on lesson 18 and i get to hand it in tomorrow i think. I'd love to be done by … i don't know… um… Samhain? haha. we'll see how it goes. I chose Ix-Chel as my deity for the focus this time. she's a Mayan reproductive goddess. i picked her because of the trouble that we've had so far … she's the goddess who helps women like that. since I've started working with her i feel a bit more at peace with the problems.. that's not to say that therapy is going any easier or that we've made any progress. we've not… but somehow working with her is making it easier for me to adapt to…. speaking of the problem… we've made an appointment with the main doctor again…this therapy isn't working and i don't know what we're going to do. Xamp thinks that we should find another doctor and then have me sedated to see if there is a problem inside and have them do a big big exam while I'm out and cant feel it. i don't know what i think about that … i do want it fixed … but i'm tired

we didn't go to treatment last week because the 2 pregnant doctors are out on leave now … the one i was dumped on is on her honeymoon and they had another one come visit to replace her but i am so … so … so tired of feeling like musical doctors too. they're only open 3 days a week too … and my stupid job wont help me accommodate to it. Xamp and I talked it over … we agreed its ok for me to miss another week because we have a standing appointment on the 27th with the grand pooh-baah doctor about it. I've been trying so hard not to miss one appointment … or anything … but we agreed, its ok … i still feel really bad about it. but we'll get through it.


OH! all our bills are caught up now … well, not all of them but all the big ones are caught up. our cable and electric bills are. The car and house insurance are all paid off, the storage space is finally caught up and the late fees … we're really getting there. we were able to sell some of the stocks that are part of his benefits. once the amount gets to a certain point he's able to sell them and start over. it was almost $1000! that's how we were able to catch up so much! We were even able to get the wood and straps needed so that way we could build a couch!! we finally have a couch and i am sitting on it right now as i type. its not perfect or finished. but we built a frame and everything its totally wonderful. i need to get a picture of it. we did all the weaving and things on it ourselves. i didn't even know that it was something that could be done. we put extra pillows and blankets on it so we can sit comfortable right now. i cant wait until next week when we both get paid and not just me so we can get some of the foam to make a proper seat for it!


i posted on the celebrate/sharing boards that i finally got a new dentist. when i went back in July for my cleaning to the place an hour away the dentist was really mean to me and told me that i needed to take Xanex for him to work on me. i couldn't do that. so i went back on 8/12 for my appointment and he did one tooth and was so mean to me told me to go away and never come back and he didn't want to do my teeth because i am too hard. i was sobbing so bad and was totally hysterical over it because i didn't think it was fair. he even nicked one of my other teeth and had to fill it instead. then he charged me for it. i have a movement disorder!!!!! he knows that i do. I've seen this guy for 15 years and i don't know why he cant work with me. it took me until Wednesday to finally do something. Xamp suggested i call the dentist on Easton Ave because it's name is 'Gentle Family' so i called Wednesday and told them the whole store and i got to go yesterday! they had an opening YESTERDAY for me. it was amazing … so it was just for a consultation … instead i got to go and the dentist they gave me a dentist who works on people with Parkinson's disease and people with MS. He knows all about tourettes and how to work with a person who can't control her movements. So he said we would fill my little tooth with the hole in it … and we learned something about my mouth too. i was NEVER getting numb in the first place. he got out something called 'the Bone Gun' that sounds so scary and it was a little but needles don't bother me too much anymore. it puts the stuff right into my jaw bone. it turns out that i had 3 teeth on the one side that needed to be filled really badly and because i finally was numb and he could drill on me and i wasn't in pain with him drilling we were able to do all three in one visit!! 3 TEETH! can you believe it. I've never had that happen before in my life .we were able to do more than ever and i wasn't upset, panicked drugged or anything! he's wonderful. I need to get my records and my xrays from the other dentist. i know i need the same work done on the other side but my left side needs to heal from the trauma of the 3 teeth being done first. my tongue is so swollen and my mouth hurts from the matrix bands and all the shots… but i have HEALTHY TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D.

I'm calling on Monday for my files to be released to my mother and she can bring it to me to give to the new dentist so i never have to deal with those other people again. i have to pay the bill but I'm going to do it slowly so we can afford it.


oooh what else do i have to post about, this is getting really long isn't it? Work is going ok too … i think i want to try to move up again, i love doing cakes but i think that i can't be here forever. i am having a lot of trouble keeping my tongue peaceful and working with the idiots who run my department. i need to work on that part of myself and continue to work on that part of myself. i know i can do it. 


I've decided to take on finishing all the projects that I've wanted to do for a long time … I've started them but I've not gotten them done. i did the first of that today with getting the tarot bag up on the board … i have other things im going to do, one of them tonight too … I'm going to finish working on making my own medical IDs, i have everything i need i think to do them … i just haven't. I'll post pictures of them when they are done too. i think they're going to be very beautiful and about $60 less than if i got them from LaurensHope [dot] com. It's cool. i have more time now to do them i just need to take the time to get them done.

ok, and with that …

oh … and my biiiiiiig secret project is coming together very slowly but i know its going to be beautiful. i can't wait to give it to the person I'm making it for! she'll love it too.

ok, that's all. it's been a really, really happy day here and really nice. i even made this really, really good soup and its good because my mouth still really hurts and its easy to eat and full of good things.

ok. i've been posting forever and it's really time for me to get cracking around here!

i had today off … ut in other exciting things we finally started to build our couch!!! the frame is all together and the first of the weaving of the seat is going too

its labor day and im not at work. it’s so weird

i sorta hate my job but its got to get better … trying a new attitude… hopefully it works… more posting later