I think the hardest thing about getting to know myself all over again is that I really don't know anything to begin with. No. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I dont know my own limits and the ones I make for myself are crap.
Oh, and I have trouble being taken care of… Not like that's any shocker. is amazing to me, I appreciate him and everything he does more than I can express… even when I get mad at him for it.
Today, Yesterday was a good example of that… I don't really sleep good and when I get tired all of my spastisity gets worse… all my jerking gets worse. You get the idea, it's not pretty. But I never want to admit that I'm tired… sometimes I don't even know that I am, I just know all the rest of its starting to drive me crazy and I have to deal with it. You'd think by now I'd get it… and part of me resents the fact that he can see it and I have no idea.
So the sweet thing that he is goes into our ugly little bedroom and "lures" me in… well, lo-and-behold I pass out in like 15 seconds! …yet I didn't know I was tired. But when I got up I felt much better (of course)… and it's not like this was a long nap or something… It was only an hour or two… but it was the point of the thing. He can read me better than my stubborn ass can read myself.
yet I get upset with him over it because there were things I wanted us to do today … how stupid am I? really? So in the middle of my mashed potato making pseudo-rant about how I wanted us to make gingerbread depots and blah blah blah he sweetly, calmly, gently tells me how much he wants me to get better… how important it is for me to get better and stay better-er. And yeah, that would be nice but we'll have other days together… other times together and we'll get it done. But, I have to get better and he loves me … Wow… talk about yet another reality check right there, right?!?!
No, he doesn't make me go to bed, he doesn't force me or do anything like that … ever …he just goes in there all subtle … and he takes care of me… he is good to me …sometimes I doubt what I do for him. So many parts of me are broken, so very, very many parts of me and the frustration grows to the point where I don't want to do ro try anything but sit in my little juvenile world where I feel like nothing can hurt me. I get trapped there behind what I feel like is protecting the last bit of pride that I have. It's an Illusion…and really, it's all crap too. I want to do better, and be better… for him and of course for me too. I want us to have this fantastic life together and sometimes me wanting to cram EVERYTHING into too little space gets in the way of that… because my body doesn't work that way. My body needs to have that reset button hit in order for us to keep enjoying our day. I have to do it. He sees it. Why can't I?
This is like other issues we have with other things too… it's mind over matter… but… its minding the idea that there is no super girl… everything has a price and if I want to get the most out of our life together … well, I need to just stop fighting the inevitable and learn the signs. I've had this body for 26 years … do you think I actually knew them? heck no. I keep trying to hold myself to a standard that's impossiable for me to reach. At least I see that now… the question is what do I do about it?
I don't know, really. I want to be able to prove to myself that I can go beyond the limits my body has, which is dumb… I want to be better, faster, smarter, stiller, better… better. yeah, that's the word… better. But I can't do that until I let so much of this other stuff go… it's really like… Buddhist… I think it's buddhist… I need to think about it … on three… try to relive my undergrad….1-2-3…
Nirvana …cessation of suffering… describe the profound peace of mind that is acquired with liberation. It means something like"blown out" ((think birthday candles… not hurricane Sandy)) and refers, in the Buddhist context, to the imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion, and delusion have been finally extinguished **Thanks Wikipedia**
I think that I always want to do these things … but I have no idea how to get past it … the one doctor I see thinks that it's normal to have doubts like this… the way I grew up made it so a lot of things are now only starting to be posible. I feel like I've had so many years away from all of that… crap… so much time to remake myself into what I've wanted to be… but time takes time … and with my body and my issues and my mind … it takes even longer. so… now it's waaaaaay later than I wanted it to be and I am completely wide awake…3 hours of sleep "tonight" … and I guess when the sun comes up I'll try again… or I'll fall asleep in a cross stitch or something. This man loves me … and I adore him … and I want to be better for him, I need to be better for us…