i give up on looking for my period, it is not coming. or it’s going to come tomorrow when we have that appointment and then i’ll have to cry because its just wasting time and money standing those people up. I dont even know what to think about where or why it is or isn’t going to be here … and the chances of me being pregnant are low and a bit overwhelming at the moment. maybe thats because its like 4 in the mornining and i just want it to come and be gone already

it’s not like i dont have enough to worry about lately…. seriously.

Writer’s Block: Roommate from Hell

I was blessed to live with not just ONE psycho roommate from hell but TWO psycho roommates from hell … the first one was like a stalker who had ‘allergies’ so we got to have an air conditioner in the room. that was great until … for someone so sick … she never spent a night in there. oh wait! Before i forget. She got to the room before i did on move in day and her parents set the room up just the way Lindsay would wand it and told me i just had to live with it the other way. I had to sleep on the bunk beds while she put her bed on the floor because it was safer …. my mom and i put and end to that really fast!  oh… and for all the drama her parents did about how the room had to be set up for her (because i didn’t count) she would sleep where ever she felt like but the AC always had to be on and COLD. I turned it off one day and she came in saw it, called he mother and they almost took disciplinary action against me!! it was a nice fall day and i even checked the levels outside to see if it would be ok…. oh, and she had absolutely no hygiene practices either. she always left dirty crotched up underwear in the middle of the floor and all this nasty open rotting food so when my mom would come to see me she’d step right on it … it just got worse from there. So finally her mother went to the D.O.S about all of this and said that i was a danger to her daughter! ME!!! seriously!!! I cried everyday. we had to go to mediation because of all of this and in the end the crazy girl got her own room and my mom had to move me up to the 3rd floor of the complex because Lindsay HAD TO HAVE the air conditioner or she would be desperately ill. Oh…. she also got mono and blamed it on me and her mother probably wanted us to pay for all her hospital bills… they said she had LIVER DISEASE FROM THE WINDOW BEING OPEN. We all said it was mono and they fought with me …it turned out to be mono and i left and was mad because it wasn’t fair

oh, her mom’s complaint was that her daughter deserved a room of her own at any price … and that they found  BRIGHT GREEN POLLEN COVERING THE SURFACES OF THE ROOM!! that i was trying to kill her! I wanted to kill her to get my own room ….. the funny thing is that this was BLOODY NOVEMBER or OCTOBER … there is NO GREEN POLLEN at that time of year

then they moved me into the room with Dagmar … who was nice at first (did i mention i requested to live with a girl in the other complex who had an open space and was denied?! ) … she was a nymphomaniac! she never did homework and spent all day and night in bed skipping a lot of classes … and she would constantly take my keys and hide them and lock me out so she could have sex in the room all night IN MY BED and i would come back to find this mess and have to find somewhere else to sleep for the night… there were a few times i had to call family friends to sleep at their houses because she always locked me out before EXAMS.

…. i transferred schools after that semester. After that everyone else was relatively normal … except for the girl who had lice…. and let me know that she was cured of it … but never said she had them in the first place… and yelled it across the main street of town and that i had to take my important stuff because they were going to fumigate the building

…. yeah… that was still better than the first two nuts! i’m glad i dont have roommates anymore! 

I’m in Otto’s class … its boring … i’m not even pretending to focus anymore for this person… i dont even have an opinion about him.

… i had something else i wanted to say in here but i’ve already forgotten what it is

….. we’re going to have pizza tonight and i made waffles this morning for breakfast with grilled ham and it was really good.

… i feel like such a girl right now … i keep looking at my nails and wishing i had an emeryboard because they look crappy and need to be fixed.

…… i had this class in high school … then again in Civil Religion … i hope this gets better… im bored

Today was my first day of the last semester at the seminary, it was a really strange feeling. 2 years went by so very, very fast. There have been so many things that have gone wrong though this time but a lot of right things too. I liked what i was able to learn but it really is time for me to get to move on and explore other horizons.

i went to the opening communion today. I really don’t feel good and its funny because when classes started last January, Xamp and I were both sick with a very bad flu and i missed it … and I’m not as sick this year but i am pretty bad… but it was nice. Mawakalinga came over when i was sitting in the Saal listening to the music, he puts his hand on my chair and says

‘i know, what better place for me to sit than next to a beautiful lady.’

I thought that was so very sweet that he said that. He is a very nice guy and someone i was happy to know during this time here too, i didn’t know what i thought about him at first but i was worried and shy.

so the service was nice, I did all the singing with them like always and the new professor did a new sermon that i did enjoy, oh, and the Chaplain is going to send out the Imbolc greeting to the campus Wiccan community for tomorrow so that is exciting too. I really don’t know how many are at the college anymore. I only know of 1. that doesn’t matter though… I saw my thesis reader today too at the pizza party after the service and he told me that there are a lot of problems and he’s struggling to get through it. my Adviser wanted to know why he doesn’t have it. I just wanted to scream and cry over it. how could there be so much wrong and why can’t I have had more help. Granted there is always something more that i could have done to make this a better experience and have done more… but i’ve never done it before so how could I have known? I sent it off to Otto, and Walter told me to keep writing on it and just keep going. i was so upset

Marcella also wants me to come to the 4 monthly into to SD classes and have her be my spiritual director. that would be so wonderful and i want to go sign up for them tomorrow before i have my night class. I really, really want her to be my director. I loved that they connected me with two other wonderful women who i have grown with, but this whole time i have had a beautiful relationship. she told me that i absolutely did great on the paper i did for the Jan class even though i had book difficulty and everything else like that but i did so well. And there is a book from that class i just cannot wait to get and someday if i get to write ritual then i want to be able to use some of the things from that book!

um… i met with grace today too about Theology from the underside and we talked about the class and about family and friends and other things too. We both have so much going on that this is hard so its just going to be a reading course and i submit her things as soon as they’re done. so we’re done faster. we want to be done by my birthday

… i just had a sick though about my family … there is a graduation reception that if i go to there is going to be trouble between my parents, Davis and everyone else … i mean … there is stuff going on … i have to think about this … i don’t feel well enough to do this… everyone buy my parents know so much …

but after all the stress of the day i just took a walk downtown to the Wicca supply store on main street… the home of my very old coven… it was kinda strange but felt like home to go in there. i wanted to get the 2010 Llewellyn datebook but they didn’t have it … but that’s not even the point of it because i talked to my HPs about the time i had at the seminary and things like that and that she sounds proud of me. I don’t really miss being there, i couldn’t take classes there anymore anyway if i wanted to? I can still come to ritual which is nice

i like ritual here — but it’s not what I’ve known, it’s not the same as getting to go to a face time Sabbat with my friends neighbors and family and getting to do all of those other small parts i didn’t know that i would miss… like the LBRP, and the challenge at the blade, or the anointing with oil and the path blessing… I think i just miss the pageantry of Cabot tradition. Part of me would still like to do the classes with Laurie Cabot like Lady Bronwyn did… I don’t think i’m allowed now that I’m taking classes here and am a member of this coven. It was something i loved when i left the tradition of my mothers family and moved over to Lady Bronwyn’s. There are so very many things i want to be able to ask Lady Raven … I feel like i can’t ask Lady Raven, there are other people in the chain i should ask before her. She is so very busy and … i don’t know what my problem is … i bothered her once about things and i wanted to be able to talk to her again… i always wanted to talk to her more but that is wrong of me. There are so many students… but i just… i don’t know. I really, really, really cant approach her again. it’s so very wrong to me.

She told me to be more involved and that’s a good way to get farther. I’m doing everything that i can and i think maybe too much too. i just don’t know what else to do. If i want to become a mentor or anything else i really need to be able to find these things on my own or ask around the school to find out. Lady Bronwyn was a bit like that too but she was always nice to me and really liked that i cared and i wanted to learn… it got hard near the end when all of the covens started hiving off.

well… i should go to bed now, this post has gotten really really long and i dont know what to think about it.

I’ve been doing some work on lesson 10 too, i’m really bored with it. I hate to say that … i wish we had more of a bibliography of sources to work with. That is something that is truly bothering me. I don’t like that there aren’t may footnotes or anything to work on… it really, really is bothering me more and more everyday … and some of the stuff i read on that website doesn’t help either. I have so much trouble doing chakra and i am glad that I’m doing Danae’s chakra course a lot now because as i go through this lesson and i can work on both that class and this at the same time. One of my girlfriends said that the end of Degree one goes slowly … i remember before i signed up that there could be other projects that we’re assigned if we go through the lessons too fast. I’d really, really like one of those projects!

::end transmission::