Soteriology


Awwa, shes so cute. Brand new little froshie sitting beside me in the lab trying to figure out how everything works. i’m trying to help her and gave my Screen name because i remember being little like that. She’s a doll…

…the title of the post is a little misleading I know, but its because I think I officially have the class from hell today… Going insane… the evil Dr.Kelly who I whine about on a Daily basis in years past has finally flew over the fence… this is a 100 level class far beneath me and now shes expecting us to have tests every period and more huge papers and presentations and that was the first word that i had to look up. called my mother crying and had to walk over to the seminary to get some help and now thanks to ask. com I have 30+ pages of crap to work with to write this little paper and start off with an A…Not to mention the reading and the Arabic work and all sorts of other crap. Thank GOD that I took this week off of work even if it wasn’t the smartest thing ever …

Arabic book never got here.. Davis had to buy it for me. I felt bad… I cant wait to have my own money again… but i got my new parking permit today and turned in more paperwork and meet with Laurie tomorrow. Oh crap… I have another meeting about Logic and my degree and the prof on Sabatical….shit… better do that….I have a whole rant about that one too…but all in all its been a decent day…

maybe i’ll post later more about keri and the fiasco from sunday, Look for a backdate.

and Davis didn’t get the promotion he was interviewed for, he said not to feel bad about it because he thinks there are more things going on. I hope so, hes amazing. Love him to death…

no more on that…. someday though…..

::End Transmission::

At my mothers to pick some stuff up


so I figured I’d post… So… I freaked last night with Davis… all about the sex thing and just how I constantly torment myself with that notebook of things i keep to try to remember to do or not do. I don’t think he knew how big it was and what was in there… he might get to see it someday but i don’t know…we talked about how he wasn’t dissapointed and was sorry that some stuff hurt and things … it was just hard to make me feel like I don’t keep failing at life. But i just spazzed… and I found out some things… 

…A while back he started getting pins at work because he’s just amazing at what he does… But when he got the 3rd one I got sad because i’ve been trying so hard at my Job to earn a superstar purple pin because its important and it would mean a better chance for us to get more money and me to move up in the world. and I cried because I felt bad that I cant do more to help us with our needs… then he got 4 more… and I’ve always been so happy for him about them, so thrilled he got them because he tries so hard and does so much he earned them and deserved them… But then he stopped telling me about things he got because he didn’t want to make me sad and thought I had some kind of emvy about them… But that was never really it. I just wanted my pin… that’s all …But he didn’t tell me he made Associate of the Month for July. He didn’t want to make me sad… or about the very exciting oppertunity that was put in his path. I’d say more about that, but I believe it’s unlucky to start talking before we have a definitive answer. You’ll all know when I know for sure. 

btu he didn’t tell me, this isn’t new news and I know he didn’t want to deal with that over the telephone or when we were only together for a little bit, But i knew about it …. everyone told me… he just didn’t want me to feel bad but didn’t want to keep it… but I really, really want to know about these things… I hate that he kept that for so long… i don’t want to hurt him… I want the best for the both of us, and our little family. That is so, so, so important to me. 

we talked about so much last night… I’m just happy that I finally know about everything no matter how said I am that he didn’t tell me before. i’m tired of a lot of this…. life should be good.

Wicca worries…


I hate service calls…. I was hoping that we’d get to go to subway but peter is an idiot. I was told to come back… i said I wold and hes coming out to tell me that Davis is back in Recieving and i should have known better but hes such an idiot. I wanted to see him but I got to have dinner with the coolest people ever. Love my friends. 

I’m worried about Emily…. very worried about her and the whole Coven thing… i jsut have bad feelings and I did go talk to Mary about it

Nervious breakdown …When is the rain going to stop


so… its been the most depressed I’ve been in a long time today and I guess its beeen comming for a long time, ive just been a very sad girl. I look at my Davis and start to cry. I feel like i’m not good enough, I feel like everything I’m going is just another way of failing at life and its just not good enough. I just get so tired…. 

…day 3… and its still raining too… I am so tired of being in the foyar too…. She’s such an idiot. She’s suppose to be the leader an the tec and i’m the one thats teaching the new girl everything. She is so worried about technique and so worried about stick hieght that I fear we’re falling behind in the music. She’s not teaching them the circle of 5ths she’s not going over the warmup we do but she wants to do a Cmaj scale in her old Corps pattern and go over and over and over and cant teach and play at the same time but shes constantly on everyones ass about mallett height but its not all about that. She wants us to be badass but we’re not badass we’re jsut a 40piece ensamble maybe a touch bigger but not too much. She’s asking too much of new people and people who aren’t interested. its not all about that. there is so much more to this than being “BADASS” but I had to teach Veronica …and i use that word lightly how to hit the pad at the same time… evenly. But she’s a Bassoon player and never done perc before how can she expect Veronica to be perfect like her. I don’t care how high you high the instrument but I want us to know the music and be confident…. but what do I know. I’m not going to be upset… am I?

I was so mad at Cynthia today… I mean really mad. All she does is talk about DrumCorps and about her time there and how she does everything for that and how our band is nothing like that and run badly and if this was corps how we’d have a song a week and thats all we’d do and I’m just wanting to kill her because this is so beyond NOT CORPS. this is a crappy little band and everyone else in college knows this whos in and not in Corps and trying to “TEC” your job isn’t going to cut it. I am so tired of being te one that does everything and is consulted with and gets nothing.

I talked to Emily, Andy Jackie and others about the meeting and who got what and they all said it was because i’m sick and they don’t want it to be worse. I ahev the paperork that explains the seizures and explains the tourettes but somehow everyone thinks they know me SO MUCH BETTER than I do. This is going all the way back to when my wrist was broken and they treated me like and invalid even though i had all of the paperwork faxed over. but no one listens to me everyone thinks they know me so well and FIGHT WITH ME over everything but its my body and my mind. but who cares 

I stormed out of the house tonight after looking at him and crying I just felt like I couldn’t look at him. I get tired of feeling like I need help and I fet tired fo feeling like I cant do anything for myself…. and I left and wentto walk and just left my car at the house and went over to Church Street… Ended up calling

lostlullaby

and talking to him for a while about it… I worry about what we’re talking about sometimes but its just because I never, never, never want Davis to think i’m cheating on him. EVER. We talked a lot and i felt better… I needed to talk to  someone else… I tried to find keri for a bit but she wasn’t around and Im kinda mad at Emily… but thats a different story. 

He called me by the time I was back near our house and we talked a lot more about what happened and he came and picked me up so we could go to the store to get things for supper and come home to watch the blackhole thing and eat. it was nice o get all of that stuff out… I just feel bad sometimes that I’ve been so depressed. 

more eventually…. i have a lot to say but somehow i’m out of motavation… and i need to get up so early tomorrow