Soteriology


Awwa, shes so cute. Brand new little froshie sitting beside me in the lab trying to figure out how everything works. i’m trying to help her and gave my Screen name because i remember being little like that. She’s a doll…

…the title of the post is a little misleading I know, but its because I think I officially have the class from hell today… Going insane… the evil Dr.Kelly who I whine about on a Daily basis in years past has finally flew over the fence… this is a 100 level class far beneath me and now shes expecting us to have tests every period and more huge papers and presentations and that was the first word that i had to look up. called my mother crying and had to walk over to the seminary to get some help and now thanks to ask. com I have 30+ pages of crap to work with to write this little paper and start off with an A…Not to mention the reading and the Arabic work and all sorts of other crap. Thank GOD that I took this week off of work even if it wasn’t the smartest thing ever …

Arabic book never got here.. Davis had to buy it for me. I felt bad… I cant wait to have my own money again… but i got my new parking permit today and turned in more paperwork and meet with Laurie tomorrow. Oh crap… I have another meeting about Logic and my degree and the prof on Sabatical….shit… better do that….I have a whole rant about that one too…but all in all its been a decent day…

maybe i’ll post later more about keri and the fiasco from sunday, Look for a backdate.

and Davis didn’t get the promotion he was interviewed for, he said not to feel bad about it because he thinks there are more things going on. I hope so, hes amazing. Love him to death…

no more on that…. someday though…..

::End Transmission::

At my mothers to pick some stuff up


so I figured I’d post… So… I freaked last night with Davis… all about the sex thing and just how I constantly torment myself with that notebook of things i keep to try to remember to do or not do. I don’t think he knew how big it was and what was in there… he might get to see it someday but i don’t know…we talked about how he wasn’t dissapointed and was sorry that some stuff hurt and things … it was just hard to make me feel like I don’t keep failing at life. But i just spazzed… and I found out some things… 

…A while back he started getting pins at work because he’s just amazing at what he does… But when he got the 3rd one I got sad because i’ve been trying so hard at my Job to earn a superstar purple pin because its important and it would mean a better chance for us to get more money and me to move up in the world. and I cried because I felt bad that I cant do more to help us with our needs… then he got 4 more… and I’ve always been so happy for him about them, so thrilled he got them because he tries so hard and does so much he earned them and deserved them… But then he stopped telling me about things he got because he didn’t want to make me sad and thought I had some kind of emvy about them… But that was never really it. I just wanted my pin… that’s all …But he didn’t tell me he made Associate of the Month for July. He didn’t want to make me sad… or about the very exciting oppertunity that was put in his path. I’d say more about that, but I believe it’s unlucky to start talking before we have a definitive answer. You’ll all know when I know for sure. 

btu he didn’t tell me, this isn’t new news and I know he didn’t want to deal with that over the telephone or when we were only together for a little bit, But i knew about it …. everyone told me… he just didn’t want me to feel bad but didn’t want to keep it… but I really, really want to know about these things… I hate that he kept that for so long… i don’t want to hurt him… I want the best for the both of us, and our little family. That is so, so, so important to me. 

we talked about so much last night… I’m just happy that I finally know about everything no matter how said I am that he didn’t tell me before. i’m tired of a lot of this…. life should be good.

Wicca worries…


I hate service calls…. I was hoping that we’d get to go to subway but peter is an idiot. I was told to come back… i said I wold and hes coming out to tell me that Davis is back in Recieving and i should have known better but hes such an idiot. I wanted to see him but I got to have dinner with the coolest people ever. Love my friends. 

I’m worried about Emily…. very worried about her and the whole Coven thing… i jsut have bad feelings and I did go talk to Mary about it

Nervious breakdown …When is the rain going to stop


so… its been the most depressed I’ve been in a long time today and I guess its beeen comming for a long time, ive just been a very sad girl. I look at my Davis and start to cry. I feel like i’m not good enough, I feel like everything I’m going is just another way of failing at life and its just not good enough. I just get so tired…. 

…day 3… and its still raining too… I am so tired of being in the foyar too…. She’s such an idiot. She’s suppose to be the leader an the tec and i’m the one thats teaching the new girl everything. She is so worried about technique and so worried about stick hieght that I fear we’re falling behind in the music. She’s not teaching them the circle of 5ths she’s not going over the warmup we do but she wants to do a Cmaj scale in her old Corps pattern and go over and over and over and cant teach and play at the same time but shes constantly on everyones ass about mallett height but its not all about that. She wants us to be badass but we’re not badass we’re jsut a 40piece ensamble maybe a touch bigger but not too much. She’s asking too much of new people and people who aren’t interested. its not all about that. there is so much more to this than being “BADASS” but I had to teach Veronica …and i use that word lightly how to hit the pad at the same time… evenly. But she’s a Bassoon player and never done perc before how can she expect Veronica to be perfect like her. I don’t care how high you high the instrument but I want us to know the music and be confident…. but what do I know. I’m not going to be upset… am I?

I was so mad at Cynthia today… I mean really mad. All she does is talk about DrumCorps and about her time there and how she does everything for that and how our band is nothing like that and run badly and if this was corps how we’d have a song a week and thats all we’d do and I’m just wanting to kill her because this is so beyond NOT CORPS. this is a crappy little band and everyone else in college knows this whos in and not in Corps and trying to “TEC” your job isn’t going to cut it. I am so tired of being te one that does everything and is consulted with and gets nothing.

I talked to Emily, Andy Jackie and others about the meeting and who got what and they all said it was because i’m sick and they don’t want it to be worse. I ahev the paperork that explains the seizures and explains the tourettes but somehow everyone thinks they know me SO MUCH BETTER than I do. This is going all the way back to when my wrist was broken and they treated me like and invalid even though i had all of the paperwork faxed over. but no one listens to me everyone thinks they know me so well and FIGHT WITH ME over everything but its my body and my mind. but who cares 

I stormed out of the house tonight after looking at him and crying I just felt like I couldn’t look at him. I get tired of feeling like I need help and I fet tired fo feeling like I cant do anything for myself…. and I left and wentto walk and just left my car at the house and went over to Church Street… Ended up calling

lostlullaby

and talking to him for a while about it… I worry about what we’re talking about sometimes but its just because I never, never, never want Davis to think i’m cheating on him. EVER. We talked a lot and i felt better… I needed to talk to  someone else… I tried to find keri for a bit but she wasn’t around and Im kinda mad at Emily… but thats a different story. 

He called me by the time I was back near our house and we talked a lot more about what happened and he came and picked me up so we could go to the store to get things for supper and come home to watch the blackhole thing and eat. it was nice o get all of that stuff out… I just feel bad sometimes that I’ve been so depressed. 

more eventually…. i have a lot to say but somehow i’m out of motavation… and i need to get up so early tomorrow

Raining


Well, this is the first weird day fo camp… had to get here at 10:30 and that was nice because they said we had to start at 9 and that just sucks… its wet and cold and raining and we’re all stuck inside for sectional all day. cindy is ok…I mean… well… this totally blows. All shes been talking about all day is how she was at corps…. for the whole summer and working at McDonalds. I am totally the only person who has a real job out of this bunch of rejects. there is this other girl and her name is tiffany and she already quit to go work with the guard. I don’t like her she seems shady but what do I know now my problem. 

Cindy is all corps all day long and how we need to do all this stuff and noone can take the music and she needs to be mother hen but has no idea what shes doing…and last night she wanted to go out and get to staples but it was sunday and was closed.. so we went to giant instead on the highway and it was just sucky because she wants folders and pencils and never has any money so I sprung for them but I think its nuts, i know no one is going to practice or anything but they need to learn responsibility if they’re all frosh. I think shes just overbearing. but shes a better Marimba player than I am. I enjoy traps and bells/Xylo. I don’t know how this week is going to pan out. 

I hate davis was off yesterday and I wasn’t home… I hate being busy all the time… I love him, but it was a nice night to just be home and catch up on some lost time. Today is different too, he’ll be home late as always. I better run, going to have a lunch date 🙂 

probably more bitching later.

….I cant believe it


Cindy got it, She came to tell me and ask me if I wanted to help with instruments and I told her congratulations but it really burned me… emy told me later on that the only reason Barnes never gave it to me was because he felt like sicne i’m “SICK” it would be too much stress on me. I’m going home and going to bed now…. 

fucking bitch, What the hell… really?! She’s younger than me! I don’t care if shes a perc consentration! She’s not a good teacher… well, she wants to do it co but what good is that for me?! Seriously! I feel really bad about this. It’s less responsibility for me, thats good… and I can enjoy my last classes here kinda… but I mean… What the fuck…

… Weggies is unhappy with me too, I forgot that in my last post. They don’t like the schedule I pulled out of my ass for them and they don’t understand why they cant have me for 10 saturdays when they get me for like 40 hours the rest of the time… I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle doing Wicca school, real school, band and work all at the same time… maybe working wednesday won’t be a good thing too. I want to do Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and when I’m not marching go in on saturday but thats so much more than I think I can do until late october…. I know I need 990 hours by december 2008. I’m just really, really worried now about it….I want that scholarship so badly. 

But how could he give her that positon. I AM NOT SICK! I AM NOT

Back in the U.S.S.R


It’s good to be home…well, other than a few hiccups today has been pretty good…. something about forgetting that the keys to my car were actually still in my purse once we reached home and had to go back to get my car was the only problem, It was great to see Keri and Brian today too because last I heard they were having a lot of problems. Love her to death, shes so sweet… even if she is a little nuts sometimes. 

Saw Chrissy too and a bnuch of people I’ve never met before but that is part of the fun that is band camp… cant believe this is my last year EVER to get to do this… maybe i’ll get a chance again someday but I don’t think so… I just wish i knew who got section leader for sure still… cindy never got back to me about it… I’d like to think I got it because of seniority but I ahve this funny feeling like I’m not because of bullshit. 

hmm… Whatelse… cant wait to get back with my Snugglebun… Love him to pieces… I love my mommy too and I feel very down and very low today but I’ve been this way for days now. I’ll get over it. 

Rehersal at 6:30… dinner at 5 … but i really, really want my car first so I’m not trapped here… she went back to get it for me and she’s bringing my idiot father too, I cant believe I forgot my car…. guess i’m really not going… getting late after all… I guess I’ll find out soon. She’s living close by so its not like shes not going to pop over to tell me if she knows. 

…post later when I get my details … but the windows in this place are fantastic… thats all