Gotta go fail an Anatomy exam …

I meant to story all weekend for it but never really got around to it … I’m not a biologist anymore. I go to complete the religion program next semester… I’ll ahve half of it done by the end of the year. It’s sad to me that I’m behind but at the same time I’ve learned so muh through screwing all of this up so badly for the past semesters *lol*

now… Why didn’t I study for anything this weekend? It wasn’t because of the Halloween parade (although that was some of it) It wasn’t because I had to deal with my father … but it was mostly because I was talking to for 4 hours last night… along with throughout the rest of my weekend. Not like I mind at all, don’t think that it bothers me. I love having someone I can talk to like that.

I’m not complaining about this. I loved it… even though about 1/3 of it was giggling…

I don’t know what it is though … I thought I got past this phase of actually talking like that on the phone, and acting like a silly little girl… but I find myself doing it again. I never really enjoyed sending all that time on the phone when I was 16… yeah… he’s different.

I can actually have a conversation thats not about something stupid like G.I Joe… *eye Roll*

He cares about me more than I do myself. I do feel bad about that… He made a good point last night though… I should have a decent ID bracelet and I’m going to get it for myself soon… and I know exactally what one I plan on getting … exactally … it would be my special occasion/I want to feel pretty today bracelet.


On another note, tonight is the samhaim sabbat… so if someone or no one goes i’m going to be out back doing the Sabbat for myself and for my own good. I just need to remember to get a lighter or a matchbook… and some black paper. well, I have a few hours yet to get everything right. I know I do… and if it stinks I’ll celebrate the next one and the next full moon.


I’m not even going to try to cram for this exam. it’s useless really… I’m going to bomb it and thats allright. I’m just so tired of bio now. How did I ever think I could do PT? really? *lol* so until I get back here later… or back to my room (becasuse i’m ni the library as always in the morning)

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

The post that took all day


hah… about last night … I saw one 2am twice … and three am too… So you can assume that means I’m just a little bit tired… oh yes…just a tiny bit exhausted. But sometimes to get out of a funk you have to put yourself into another one. I get to carry banner in the town halloween parade today. Way to go for being in the honour guard.

Xamp and I were up talking into the wee hours of the morning… You know, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I always thought I was this posessed creature that deserved to have all of that horriable stuff done to me… I never thought of it as abuse because when someone talks about child abuse it wasn’t what I was seeing. Just like when people talking about seizures they don’t talk about whats wrong with me.

So for all of those years and up until this moment at about 3 last night I thought I was sick. I thought I had the problems and thought it was all my fault… because I thought I was bad or posessed… but last night we were talking. No … I was talking … I posted lyrics to “And so it Goes” last night and said it was really my theme song… it goes through everything I’ve been feeling my whole life and it was a trigger that I desprately needed. I’ve been hiding in the darkest safest corner of my heart the things have bothered me for years.

So I’m going to admit it in here now… I’m going to admit it for everyone to see.

When I was a kid … I was physically abused by my father … he took out his agressions and problems on a little girl on the weekends who knew she was a handful and knew she had problems but did not deserve to be traumatized like I was. All of my problems swallowing, my seizures, my fear of loud noises, suprises, quick motions … it all stems from that. I tried to admit it before but I was typing it all out in YIM last night to realize that it was all wrong. I spent 16 years of my life being terrorized and missed out on so many things… and the things I did get to do were tainted by it. Because i always felt that what I was doing was wrong or bad or I would have to heave the negative about it later.

but yesterday my father made a 1/2 ass apology for what I went through, for going bald, for having to be on all those pills and him not knowing. He also told me he thinks of me as his little princess and misses me when he can’t see me. I am a grown woman now and I don’t need to hear this from you!!!

the parade was exciting… so many kids were yelling towards us! I’ll have to post pictures!!! but all those kids yelling about how great it was to see Mario, Luigi, Bowzer and Peach. It was amazing. the parade was 2 miles … no … 1.5… it felt more like two… maybe it was…. that was a long 1.5 if it was. Anyway… It was just such a great time and the words could explain it but i think you know what a rush it would be.

The song that is me…. and my life …and my everything

Title: And so it Goes
Artist: Billy Joel
Album: Storm Front

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

You will not believe what happened to me today…

So I’m sitting in the Jeep with my mother today on the ride home … and she leans over to me and says

“Never get involved with a married man”

So I look at her funny, and wonder what she’s talking about and I ask her about it

“I just don’t remember if I’ve told you that before” she said to me “But don’t get involved with a married man, you will only get hurt in the end… and its bad business.”

I juts got very, very quiet

So, two hermits walk into an Abbey and a Priestess and a Magician come out hand in hand….

First…. congratulations for giving up drinking for the month, I know last night I sounded like I was joking about it but I’m really happy, really, really happy about that. Anytime you need to talk you can come to me and I’ll listen. You’re not alone dear, there’s always someone out there. Smile dammit! and the world can’t end today because its already tomorrow in Australia.

and now onto what this post is really about … I’ve parked myself in the computer lab of the library… I feel like my room is contaminated and dirty now… I just cannot be there until the contamination has gone…

and I were talking again last night about many things, past lives and different things of that nature. We were trying to make connections and I always enjoy and scare myself by trying to make connections… Because I feel like once I connect with someone its just going to blow up in my face. I know its a rather fatalistic view of the world but its really how I feel on a lot of things. We were talking about that for a long time and for the most part of it, it felt right. It felt good at the same time I was questioning it… I wanted it to be rteal at the same time I wanted it all to be pretend and not to have this connection. I don’t feel like being connected to a person like this and just the ways we are is right. Believe me… the circumstances right now make me almost wish that this never happened and I could get out…

Please don’t take that too personally… please… I know it sounds horriable for me to say and heartless of me to say that… but when things are all levaled out I cannot understand love in this way and I’m not just talking about lvoe for me but love for this whole fiasco. No matter what is going on I feel like this is going to be doomed because there is no gaurentee. Someone else could come along or things might not change and then it will be over like the rest of things like that.

I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A PESSAMIST. I JUST WANT TO BE REALISTIC.  I just want to say that I don’t know what chance there is for anything ever moving beyond simplistic because my mind will not work that way, How can my mind work that way when I cvan’t put in here why I know these things. Sometimes I think even in a past life my intuition was good… but even in past lives no one listened to me. I can’t blame them really.

Then calls me…He looked up my callendar and decided he wanted to prove that he loves me by making a suprise trip up here before my finals start. Well thats all fine and dancy but how inconsiderate is that really? He has no idea what I do anymore nad thinks he can just appear up here?! That was a long conversation and he never has been good with planning.  He is not staying with me because it would be so very akward if he tried too. So he doesn’t know whats going on now because he’s clueless and confused like a lot of the time. I would like to see him… and he asked me some questions like “Is there anyone with my dimentions up there” and I’m like … “Oh no.”  … I know it was not the right way to put itto him but when the whole conversation of sex is comming up and I will do ANYTHING to avoid that like the plague I think it is but said I would answer so I would have to anyway and not try to panic like I know I will and break down like I know I will because that only makes it worse. Like it did last night … I broke down… I went back into this shell I use to protect myself and tried to hide there for a long as possiable without causing myself serious harm.

How could someone want someone like me to talk? How does that make sense? The only times these things come up is around bed time and never anyother time…and then i get so exhausted because I’ve gotten myself so upset that I just black out over it and then its all over until the morning where I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck or something. I don’t talk. I try to talk and everyone is going to come back to me and be like … what do you mean you don’t talk? You talk all the time about things… but how many people actually knew or cared about a lot of this? No one and its not something thats talked about because its not acceptable. Because I cry, because I whine and no one likes hearing that … I don’t care that you say it would be okay for me to. I don’t care at all because its not okay, everyone gets tired of it. Everyone gets tired of being the support beam for someone as FUCKED UP as I am.

Maybe not fucked up… maybe not at all … maybe I’m just very tired and not thinking straight… maybe I’m just exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open and just … I don’t know… and “Can you feel the love tonight” started playing on my Ipod and now I feel so much worse…

It’s not even like I don’t want to talk about it but I hate talking about it.

I digress…and I hate LJ cuts but I think its appropriate.

Why I was so upset