Monthly Archives: December 2005

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the trouble with Object permanence… yesterday and the day before


Object permanence is the term coined by Jean Piaget to describe the awareness that objects continue to exist even when they are no longer visible.

I think I have a problem with people telling me things and saying it is right there and well… maybe it is, but I can’t see it…This really is just something that I’m thinking and I just want to get it out and down here. I’d like to think that this is the new era of my journal, the new honest era in my journal and I think that I like it.

@}–}—

In theory there is a white 1999 Honda Accord in my garage that I can use whenever I want because my father purchaced it for us to share.10:01 am, at the pump in the Hess station in the next town over… lost the battle for the honda. My father and I have been going back and forth over things for years now I shouldnt’ shocked about why I lost this little war for it but it just irks me. I’m not responsible enough to have that car. and Myabe i’m not responsible enough to have it, but wouldn’t he like to find out? But he wanted to go to Perkins and everytime we go down to get breakfast out (with the exception of the one time my father and I went alone) it usually ends up with a whole lot of shit. but we always fight… I have memories of things we did that were good but there’s the rest of the crap that insulates them and its just makes me sad.

So the sorority came up. Of course its all my fault. Of course its me always being a bitch and me with my bad attitude. THIS IS THE OBJECT PERMANENCE THING. I’m suppose to have sisters there to support me and I know I’m not he best sister either but when they’re all doing whatever else they’re doing what do thats leave me with? Nothing. I feel like I’m alone and without sister and they promise things and never do it and I’m just suppose to believe in this?! I know I could be better and watch my tone and my attitude but it jsut makes me so sad about some things. I don’t even know why I’m still in it and my father wants to know what i’m getting out of it. nothing. i’m getting more stress

“I am not giving you a car to be a girl scout leader. you need to do well in school thats what your job is. not this.”

its’ something to do… I’m sorry. I want to do it at the same time I hate it butr having a car would be easier for me to do EVERYTHING. He says I don’t need to leave the campus for me to do what he wants me to do. I can go at the end of te week on friday to go and do whatever I need to do on the school van for an hour to do everything and then go back for 6 days and stay there. or go mooch off cowbell or someone else. NO I WANT TO BE INDEPENDANT OF THAT. but thats impossiable for me to do becaude I should jsut stay on campus and just do the school thing all the time and to me that would be swell up and die if I have to stay in bethlehem ALL the time… I get bored. so very bored of seeing the same 4 walls all the time but I know I should just shut up and deal with it.

maybe next year he says … I need to get ALL THE INFORMATION. Fuck you. I have all the information I need but if you want more of it than fine, I’ll find it for you.

I did want to give up the argument by the time we got to perkins… I had lost but I couldn’t just let it die. I wish I was smarter than I am and could just shut up. But they said to me that its not fair they have to listen to me bitch when I won’t hear them talk about the cellphone bill. I know about it. We cant afford to be paying a cell phone bill like that after my father being out of work all that time. I understand. I’m sorry… I said I’ll pay the bill but I don’t have the money right now because I was irresponsible with the rest of my speding throughout the semester. I’m going to work my hardest to get that money back so I can not only get a certain persons birthday present but to pay for my bills and my books and everything else. I want to be independant. Just get off my ass about a job.. I know I have a little job that i do at school and I know I need to get another one because i’m not being …allright…I’m not supporting myself through the school year. I spent a lot of money this past sememster…I’l have to try to get a better job next sememster … there has to be something else for me to do… I know that just didn’t make a whole lot of sense…whatever.

I wasted money on my cellphone and he feels that if he can’t trust me with the phone that i’ve had since 02 he can’t trust to park a car and keep it going and not have anything happen to it. Whatever… but with the way things are going with me lately maybe I don’t really need it there with me anyway.

my family… lovely people I guess. Somwhere in their they don’t all suck and even I know that but I feel this nice little strain of doubt. My mother and I get along so much better than I do with my father and it does make me sad… I just spent a lot of time talking to Davis about things like that … a lot of the night talking about that. I don’t meed to get to envious of things that are out of my control but it happens sometimes like that. I just get upset when I think about how things are between me and my father and it is as much my fault too. I just don’t know how to be quiet and listen. I need to remember where my place is… I know that its not all my fault with my father. He’s an odd duck that one. but the problem is I have always wanted to be that daddies girl and I always did egg this on and i know that I did this to help make it worse but it was some kind of attention. I hate thinking like that

I was never a deprived child in any way but I guess I wanted that and he’s a good man… why do I keep going over this? He said one day in the car that I am his little princess… Whatever. That just made me sick to hear it. If I was your little princess why did you chase me and hit me and make me hyper ventalate and make me scream and cry and feel like I mean nothing to you?

the last thing of intrest to me of that day was my trip to the bank that took me through Flemington, pittstown, quakertown, clinton, raritan and frenchtown. I didn’t want to go home. They always tell me that I have no expierence I never drive so I have no expierecen and how can i even CONSIDER taking the car when I have no expierence … so I took the car for a 2 hour trip to a bank thats 5 minutes away. I was speeding I was wreckless I was being an idiot but I didn’t care. the music was loud, there are no cops on those roads … I just felt like if I turned on “Fast Car” I would not have gone home. But eventually I did go home after making a deposit and praying to the goddesses above that I’ll have enough for books and that other thing. They want me to tell them where I’m going but I did tell them. then I went to get expierence. I almost hit it a tree … went off the road because going 60 on a 20 around a curve is dumb. I said I was upset didn’t I? But I made it home and wasn’t as angry as I was before. I loved that drive.. I love going around and seeing all of those things on those back roads and wished that I had someone there to tell about it too. I know those roads because of my old mas joy riding. I never wanted to go home… no… never at all.

~*~

so my father sends me and my mother out on his errands yesterday. We were going to the dollar store but never really got there. My brother took a few pictures or had them taken or something but its him and his kid and kelli and her kid in black and white and he wanted them framed. So instead of HIM going out and getting his frames he sends me and my mother to go do that and to get a new printer and all of this hooey because he’s always so busy. We never made it to the dollar store.

For christmas he went out and got my mother this brand new digital camera… This man has been wasting money for years on trying to print photos on an epson 600 or an 880 or this HP piece of junk that wasn’t worth the money paid for it… so I offer him my lexmark photo printer that I have but he says no to that and go out and get a new printer. I adore Epson printers, I wanted an epson of my own but that printer of mine was a gift… but I go get this brand new top of te line one with an led screen and a memory card that is specifically for printing the pictures out. It even had a $50 rebate on it. It’s a great printer… well.. this morning my mother says they’re going to staples to get something and leave about an hour ago and they just came back to PICK UP THE PRINTER because he doesn’t need that and the ink is too expensive and all of this crap BUT THAT IS EXACTALLY WHAT HE WANTED… why can’t htis man just go to the kinkos and print the photos out on the photo machine?!

I always say I’m going to go to one of those places and make an album of all of isabellas pictures off one of those machines and make it beautiful for him but I just get so frustrated I run out of enthuasism.

So back went the printer. maybe. I don’t know. It’s in the jeep. What the fuck ever.

*}:{*

I guess the rest of the afternoon was fine… and when it got late I started to work on a vonichka at about 11 or so… something else where the rules change in my house. So its about 11:45 my father comes down to yell at me for baking at night and there is no reason for me to be doing this now and I’m not allowed to this now… oh all this crap but I can’t stop it now. I told him I’m trying to be quiet and I didn’t mean to wake him up and I’m sorry.

my mother came down around 2 and didn’t really care about it. She always lets me do things like that and always has. Baking is something you have to be there for the whole time doing nothing else for. I don’t see why I should do it during the day when I have 500 other things I would like to be doing.

But I was on the phone with Davis the whole time… it takes about 5 hours to make one of those loaves and I was making 4 at one time. That was such an adventure. I thought I did everything right. But it was 4:30 in the morning by the time I started to go to bed and do things like that. I put my computer in my space (its a laptop) on its table right in my spot… I thought that would be okay as long as its in my spot and not in the way. I did all my dishes, put everything away… I get downstairs after being woken upthis morning to pack up those breads to mail and I hear that the table is no place for a laptop. I don’t leave things there… and my father doesn’t care how late it was I am not suppose to be doing that at night because how can he sleep if he’s smelling bread baking at 4am.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Everytime I try to talk like this, talk about I’m sorry and want to do better and want to make things the best and change… its always talking out of my ass. It’s not what I say its how I say it…I just need to figure otu a way to say it better so I get taken seriously and not made fun of or whatever. but no one believes me when I say I’m sorry or I feel I’m stupid. No one thinks that I’m not saying that because I’m insane or talking out of my ass or whatever it is that I’m trying to do maybe I wouldn’t flip out all the time like I’ve been known to do. But how can I talk about these things when I’ve never gotten to before. I don’t know how to express it like an adult. I guess thats as much my problem as anyone elses.

but Davis and I were on the phone for 5 hours talking while I was doing that… and I was talking to his brother with him on Furc too… James seems a lot like my brother (I find that amusing)… but there were a few moments last night… I found myself in a happy shock and this state of horror at the same time. I said something last night..well.. I don’t think I really said it I think Julaya-Na actually said that. but it went back to the proposal in the MRI that I didn’t hear and how he felt after that and just trhe way things went and how it looked. I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I just don’t know. I’m scared of things like this. i’m in the shadow of someone who married young because of a mistake and someone who lived at home until she was almost 30 and tells me there’s no rush to get married, there’s no rush to have children do everything you want to in your life before you get involved with someone. I know this is my desision.. and I have things I want and need to do and i know there is no rush and no pressure or whatever is going on but I just don’t know

and then there is Victor. He never really respected me, he always talked down to me I always was treated like I was below him and now things are changing and I just feel like i’m being pulled at times when I know what I like and its comfortable because I don’t have tothink or feel or even deal with anything. So.. here’s I’m tired and at this stalemate with myself again and I know what the best answer is for myself. But sometimes I think that answer is just going to make everyone cringe. We’ll just have to see. I wonder if I should take back what I said last night in favor of that … being by myself and listening to my elders thing… I know that I have to think about things.

::End Transmission::
~Juliet 11:16am

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S’more random stuff that i think about


I forgot a christmas tradition… one that actually happened… my dad got me a scratch lottery ticket… every year like clockwork he does but this year he didn’t do it and I didn’t even bother to mention it because there really are no heirlooms or treasures or traditions that are real here… but today after we were home for a bit he came in from getting a pizza and handed me one and said he was sorry he forgot. At least something was there

When I say I’m not home why do you still have to make me answer the phone and be nice? Why can’t I say that I’m busy and don’t want to talk? You always make me talk when I don’t want to. I don’t understand why you do that to me. I hate it. I didn’t want to talk to Artie the other day and you made me anyway… thats not fair. You can be busy and I respect that but no, you have to make me be nice to everyone. I am not going to be and i don’t like that you try to make me. Shut up and go away and mind your business

If I have to pay these bills you’re going to be out anyway. I either pay off the money I owe you… which you say is over 1000 dollars. I only have 1300 left in my bank account… it might be 1100 now after all the clay I got…. and 1000 of that goes to you… i get $40 every 2 weeks from the school for working and have 100 in my bank account? Yes.. I had 3000 at the end of the summer and my bank account has lasted almost 3 years of college but if i can’t buy my books you’ll have to do it for me and be screwed anyway. I wasted a lot of money on Itunes, little things I wanted… useless nonsense because I needed it and now what? Okay… I will be so much more careful to try to save all of my money… i didn’t have a job until recently and now I do again… I can’t get a better one because of all of the other things I do….I just wish I was close to him months ago and had any idea it would be like this now… I can’t afford what I want to do for his birthday and it makes me feel so bad that I can’t but I don’t even know what I’d be able to get us there anyway… I will be able to do it someday I know I will and it would have to be soon.

So now I’m at this crossroads with things where I know life is going to change and it could be in a very, very bad way

p.s: All I wanted for christmas was headphones,The great american song book Volume 4, and the Antigone Rising cd from Starbucks… whenever you asked that was all I constantly said…I know I sound completely ungrateful right now and like a total bitch because i am very lucky to have a home to go to or to have gotten anything at all …at least I got one of those bad ass gift card things. I know I sound completely ungrateful bitch right now… and i don’t mean it.. but… oh whatever…

oh, and one other thing… if you going to promise something at least keep your word for it. I hate people who promise things and never do them. Stop it. stop it right now.

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The rest of my day


sorry about the cut off like that… I had that in a notebook and ended up copying it over into this. the rest of the day … well… I don’t want to talk about it but I am. I got to my grandfathers and things were about the same as always… we took his present into the kitchen and sat in the parlor with the dog giving him cookies and talking. well, not actual talking it was just surfacecrap and trying to figure out what we were going to do for food.

I love legal seafood… but we just had fish before that on christmas eve so why do it again but portabello keeps failing the health inspection…its good though.

but we’re getting ready to go and I take his dog out for a little walk around by the park just to think about the things that went before… i posted about what i think about the park… So I come back in with the dog and decide that its about time for us to get going. My father and I go out to clear out the car and we all come outside … after a few minutes my mother is wondering whats going on and why its taking my grandfather so long to come outside. My mother goes in…and finally I go back in and find him slumped on the floor by the bed and my mother sitting beside him. I was sent back outside to go get my father. We all comeback in and try not to look upset or worried or anything and he said that hes okay.

He had a blackout the other dayand fell in the bathroomand took a large crack out of his head and it bled for 3 days but he doesn’t want to go to doctor about it or go to the hospital or anything else like that. We think he’s comming to the end of his life. He has two large things on his head from where hes fallen. I was scared but at the same time not paniced. He didn’t want to get up ro go out so we finally made a desision to go out to bostin market and get something to bring back…

before we left the phone rang and i went to answer it. I have an uncle who is a little out there… well… hes kinda sucks. but he called to see where my other uncle was and he at first was about to not talk to me. I think he thought I was my mother who he hasn’t spoken to in years because hes an idiot. but when i answered the phone he didn’t reply right away… so i said hello again…and finally he talked as was damn frosty and i thought he was going to hang up on me… there are 2 arts who spend a lot of time in that house. how am i suppose to know when someone asks for art who to say? and the one wasn’tthere and they other said he wasn’t there… so we talked for a minute and he called PA on his cell and that was it

Where my grandfather lives is very close to NYC. He’s across the border and right near one of the biggest shopping areas in the contry. My father and I went out to get things and somehow ended up in Paramus by missing our turn and passed the GS plaza and it was a complete nightmare… how could anything be so busy… we get the food and come home and it took us about 30-45 minutes.

he actually ate and we were happy but thingd aren’t looking good for him. Somehow that seems allright though… I got another voice mail from xamp…Icalled him backand my father was okay with it at first when we were at the bosten chicken but when we got to the car I felt the slam from it. its okay…. slam me have fun… i can’t pay for books and its all my fault. shut up and go away.

we sat in the kitchen and talkedand my father farted and stunk up the house but it was nice. but sad at the same time.

the drive home was allright and a little long… i wanted to just have a hug and want to know how much longer the family is going to be thinking like hes on deaths door. again. the ride home was long and i was trying to listen from behind my headphones and not think. after the the night is still reasionably young

…they check my cell phone daily at the verigion site and give me updates now… just what i need to make me snap right?

by


And so again it starts. Woken up, told to go downstairs when Im’ awake enough to function and get told that we’re heading upstate to visit my grandfather and bring him some things for christmas (a box on boxing day.. a little retarded but thats how it works). Nothing like a family drive the day after a major national holiday….

I still find it amusing that there was a box to be delieved on boxing day…. but I’ve only been up for an hour so everything is funny at this point.

oh… and this is for my mother, I did brush my teeth this morning for the 2 full minutes just like i said that i did. I do it every morning. I think I’m getting another sinus infection and the fact that I have had nothing to eat since dinner last night does not help too much either. Sorry. Get me a bagel and the problem will be solved. Not brushing teeth is disgusting and I don’t like being disgusting.

Well, Everytime we go this way I think back to so many things that brought me up this way… My grandmothers death, dropping a dress off for my mother for her funeral, My grandfathers trips to the hospital and how much I was really up there and how it was almost like I was living there… then Lindy died and those hospital trips and his funeral… and just visiting my grandfather…. and that christmas or something party that ken held all those years ago…it was pretty much all the time I needed an LJ or needed to be older to understand and to handle all the things that were thrown at me in such a short time… and well, for the most part… act better or not reapeat things because of it.

I just remember those things so well, even if parts are clouded a little I still know how it happened and what music was played or something… I’m not proud of my behaviour or most of the things that I did. The more that I think back on it I just see it as I was trying to find my way in a place without leadership. My mom was always the captain of the ship and that was something everyone knew but at the same time life was falling apart around us all and you can only do so much. I just seem to think about it like… it doesn’t excuse any of the ways that i acted but it works and helps my mind become more at ease.

Xamp and I talk alot about the pieces of te puzzle and things like that. Trying to find the picture and putting all the pieces together and it takes time but eventually its all worth it. I think he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He’s had more time to learn how to do this than I have. I hope someday that I learn to understand as well. I want to be able to understand it…its just one of those things. But then there are other times I like to think that he’s as clueless as I am.

But I would like to think that I’m a good illusionist. I know I’m not really. I just understand that no one was looking through these things as hard as it seemed to be to miss. but i would change the story and do all of these things to try to protect myself or whatever I was doing. when Xamp finally busted me and all of the smoke and mirrors went down and I was left feeling naked but better I stopped hating myself as much. I feel better now that I’m not hating myself so much really. It gets so tired of feeling like that. It’s not fair for me to live like that and I have for so very long

this is a small commercial break for my father… whos driving… i wish my old man would stay between the god damn lines on the highway…his driving drives me ballistic. and if i hear about the goddamn crass commercialism one more fucking time i might go nuts in this car! IDIOT. SHUT UP AND DRIVE

~*~

So… there’s this park by my grandpas house and my mother played there as a girl and my father went there when he was dating my mother and I played there as a kid and just to see it now and how much its changed just… it shows how time and things evolves. The park is nicer now… it has more kid friendly things but all of my memories of my cousins and my grammy and I are all gone now that the swings and the rockers and those things are gone. The swings are still there and I wanted so badly to go sit on those swings and think… or on that special swing chair that i loved with my grammy or something. They took the huge pipe out too… its amazing… but that spinning wheel is still there. I want to go back and play so badly sometimes…

~*~

One other thing that I want to do it go to the cemetary where Grammy and Lindy are buried. I’d like to go visit lindy and talk to him sometimes… I don’t feel any connection to my grammy, she died and that was it for her but really its like Lindy is still with me. I loved him so much… I truly, dearly loved him. My mother and I were his favorites… he never married, never had kids of his own but he had me and my mom and we would have kept him here with us forever if we had our way. But he’s gone… it still hurts me to know that he is and Billy that fucking asshole has everything… i bet he sold it or threw it out or anything… jerk.

by


And so again it starts. Woken up, told to go downstairs when Im’ awake enough to function and get told that we’re heading upstate to visit my grandfather and bring him some things for christmas (a box on boxing day.. a little retarded but thats how it works). Nothing like a family drive the day after a major national holiday….

I still find it amusing that there was a box to be delieved on boxing day…. but I’ve only been up for an hour so everything is funny at this point.

oh… and this is for my mother, I did brush my teeth this morning for the 2 full minutes just like i said that i did. I do it every morning. I think I’m getting another sinus infection and the fact that I have had nothing to eat since dinner last night does not help too much either. Sorry. Get me a bagel and the problem will be solved. Not brushing teeth is disgusting and I don’t like being disgusting.

Well, Everytime we go this way I think back to so many things that brought me up this way… My grandmothers death, dropping a dress off for my mother for her funeral, My grandfathers trips to the hospital and how much I was really up there and how it was almost like I was living there… then Lindy died and those hospital trips and his funeral… and just visiting my grandfather…. and that christmas or something party that ken held all those years ago…it was pretty much all the time I needed an LJ or needed to be older to understand and to handle all the things that were thrown at me in such a short time… and well, for the most part… act better or not reapeat things because of it.

I just remember those things so well, even if parts are clouded a little I still know how it happened and what music was played or something… I’m not proud of my behaviour or most of the things that I did. The more that I think back on it I just see it as I was trying to find my way in a place without leadership. My mom was always the captain of the ship and that was something everyone knew but at the same time life was falling apart around us all and you can only do so much. I just seem to think about it like… it doesn’t excuse any of the ways that i acted but it works and helps my mind become more at ease.

Xamp and I talk alot about the pieces of te puzzle and things like that. Trying to find the picture and putting all the pieces together and it takes time but eventually its all worth it. I think he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He’s had more time to learn how to do this than I have. I hope someday that I learn to understand as well. I want to be able to understand it…its just one of those things. But then there are other times I like to think that he’s as clueless as I am.

But I would like to think that I’m a good illusionist. I know I’m not really. I just understand that no one was looking through these things as hard as it seemed to be to miss. but i would change the story and do all of these things to try to protect myself or whatever I was doing. when Xamp finally busted me and all of the smoke and mirrors went down and I was left feeling naked but better I stopped hating myself as much. I feel better now that I’m not hating myself so much really. It gets so tired of feeling like that. It’s not fair for me to live like that and I have for so very long

this is a small commercial break for my father… whos driving… i wish my old man would stay between the god damn lines on the highway…his driving drives me ballistic. and if i hear about the goddamn crass commercialism one more fucking time i might go nuts in this car! IDIOT. SHUT UP AND DRIVE

~*~

So… there’s this park by my grandpas house and my mother played there as a girl and my father went there when he was dating my mother and I played there as a kid and just to see it now and how much its changed just… it shows how time and things evolves. The park is nicer now… it has more kid friendly things but all of my memories of my cousins and my grammy and I are all gone now that the swings and the rockers and those things are gone. The swings are still there and I wanted so badly to go sit on those swings and think… or on that special swing chair that i loved with my grammy or something. They took the huge pipe out too… its amazing… but that spinning wheel is still there. I want to go back and play so badly sometimes…

~*~

One other thing that I want to do it go to the cemetary where Grammy and Lindy are buried. I’d like to go visit lindy and talk to him sometimes… I don’t feel any connection to my grammy, she died and that was it for her but really its like Lindy is still with me. I loved him so much… I truly, dearly loved him. My mother and I were his favorites… he never married, never had kids of his own but he had me and my mom and we would have kept him here with us forever if we had our way. But he’s gone… it still hurts me to know that he is and Billy that fucking asshole has everything… i bet he sold it or threw it out or anything… jerk.

by

Merry Christmas and all that rot


well, first and foremost… merry christmas to all and to all a good night.

Im’ posting about the magic of christmas at my families house… all of the little idosyncracies that just make where i am right now… … … … great(?)…

i just find it amusing that last night I was talking to my Davis as usual … and it was late … and we were talking about how christmas was for both our families then and now and he’s right… I do live with wolves. But its a fun pack of wolves. His family sounds so much more civilized than mine can be when they get together. But we’re happy this way. maybe… okay… really… not really… lol.

So only the lovely thing that i feel like posting about… welcome to christmas…

~*~

Christmas Eve is always been a production at my house, not so much christmas day (which is really just another day in the year except we’re stuck home all day) … but moving right along. Christmas eve is when the family comes over, when the food is done … and when all the rude comments rear their ugly heads.

It started out like a 1/2 way decent holiday. There were the usual rude comments in the morning between my father and I. He seems to believe that I can’t put things into the waste bag because i useto get it all over the place. Well I’m sorry I was a kid and made a mess so now for the rest of my life I will be forever not aloud to dump things. There is a story for this too.

Because before a holiday we have this tradition of emptying the refigerator to make room for the holiday food. So when we’re looking for lunch its raid the freezer and hope you find something we all can agree on to get it over with. Like hotdogs. That was this year. So hotdogs and trimmings and it was good. But when it came to cleaning up to get more christmas eve things ready my mother wanted to toss everything out and said I could dump it my father refused to let me and told my mother to do it. I’ll make a mess with it and not get it into the bag. thank you…thank you so much for not letting me do anything for myself because i will make a mess like I’m 2. But I can go wash the dishes. Oh go piss yourself sometimes. So i did the dishes and helped my mother and did all those good things.

The development that my parents live in does luminary bags around the entire block every christmas eve… so theres something my father and I do together, we put them up and thi year there was no fighting. There never really is any fighting during that but but its just nice to have gotten it over with and to have had it be nice.

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful… just me doing my puzzle, tending the fire and watching a rerun of Greys Anatomy on tape… the family got here around 5… well, my simple cousin Nicole got here about an hour early and tried to get us to play “the 90s game” … i don’t know anything about culture. I was so happy when Ellen got there just to get nicole to shut up.

I do have pictures of what ellen brought. lets just say it was a pathetic excuse for cookies and a pathetic waste of olives. I was up by the two friers with my mother cooking and picking at the antipasto she brought while working. Everyone else was sitting and being merry.

I guess what the fun part of my christmas story is what happens at the table… and this is where that conversation I had … we tend to be like wolves I guess. It’s one of those “come en git it” kinda things with my family. Everything gets put on the table and we all come in and take your plate from the table and walk around to get what you want to eat. Then everyone sits down and we talk about the food network hosts and usually the soaps… Dominic is always muttering to himself about something.

every holiday Dominic mumbles grace to himself. But this year… well… no…let me explain. At my house on the Christmas holiday we get the Oplaki and break it and pass it around. It’s my job to say the blessing and such. So i forgot it and we broke it anyway without the blessing and Dominic wanted to have grace. We tell him to do it. he wants my father to do it … my mother explains that my father doesn’t do that and if we wait for him to do it we’re going to be around until next christmas…Then he says for me to do it and I said I forgot (*Honestly, I will never forget… i was in catholic school from preschool until 4th grade and had to say grase for meals every day.. I know it) … we again tell him to do it and eventually my father does it and we move on. Point being… if you want grace do it yourself.

Dominic is going to be 70 this year… my aunt is about 56… i bet when dominics mind was all there he was great but now hes starting to loose his marbles and everything inbetween… he spends all his time muttering to himself and its just creepy. You get useto it though. He was weirder a long time ago when we first starting to get to know him. He’s just always muttering and always going back and forth about things and its just weird… His whole family has been in and out of the nut house and things and i think he’s going to be the next one to get put into a sanitorium or something… or at least a facility of some kind. I really worry about him. He’s such a hypochondriac too. He won’t be happy until someone tells him he has something incurable. We’re all sure of that.

I’d like for christmas to be white and pretty, and for everyone not to be bickering all the time or at least lets keep the rude comments to a minimum. My father is the king of rude comments. It is not a holiday if he doesn’t get something innapropriate in at least once before desert or something else like that. There is not a holiday without that. So desert comes around…

the only thing my father does on a holiday other than take the dog out is make coffee

so desert comes around and there are cookies and a fruit cake and a voniska… oh boy were there a lot of cookies … so my father looks at everyone and says “and you people wonder why you’re all fat” … so… there was the rude comment of the evening. In all its horriable glory. He got his face ripped off by my mother and her sister and went to take the dog out and came back with an apology right before he was handed a gift card for barns and nobles. funny coincidence? … I think not. tradition decrees that we have to wreck a tablecloth every holiday and dominic spilled a pot of coffee on the nice christmas table cloth… i hope it gets clean… its the in

they left around 10… Nicole around 9 and shes 33 and he mother still needed to give her toll money. I really can’t stand her most of the time but somehow she wasn’t as annoying this year. maybe its because she wasn’t there 3 hours early or i was busy… i don’t know. I did get yelled at once. Nicole wanted my cell phone number and I didn’t want to give it to her. She had my AIM sN one time and never left me alone. I’m not even allowed to use my phone anymore but i have to give it to her because shes family?! NO. I DO NOT WANT TO and I get yelled at for it and scolded not only last night but today too. So what if I don’t. Go away. you threatine to take away my phone. I cant use the car and now what… its my desision. fine whatever. You give it to her if you want her to have it do bad. You know what it is.

they left, we cleaned up and such is life… there was showering and dish washing and dog walking and well this is sad… but I still want to believe in santa. I still want to believe that there are supries and on christmas morning you can come downstairs and there’s going to be something you always wanted sitting under the tree and a big suprise because no one else in the world knew you wanted it and there it was. Silly hum? I liked getting up and looking for the pickle on the tree and thinking that I was always the lucky one that could find it and get the prize. Not realizing that it was all a game and just to be fun all the time. its one of those stupid things. THings get a little ruined when you’re still a girl and have to help carry down all the christmas gifts and get told you’re too old to do the pickle anymore and you know who does it anyway.

Thats the lead into that we opened presants at midnight. I was told to save some for my birthday so I did. I got some nice things like always and there are no returns this year. It is exciting.

Traditional christmas day things followed when i was woken up for the first time on christmas ever… I’m always the first one up but I fell asleep talking to Davis at about 2am. After that it was the church thing and i sang with that woman whos a WCC graduate who CANNOT SING WITH QUALITY FOR BEANS. She’s so horriable and drowns me out so badly… I wish she would just play the piano and let the actual vocalists do that stuff

i really wanted to go see a christmas movie but nothing plays and no one wanted to go and I wanted to go and have a good time but no all I did was sit around all day and do nothing and it was just crap… i sat here and wimpered to Davis.

Mark called today to say merry christmas… isabella is 4 now… i really wanted to talk to her but that didn’t happen… mark and I tried to do all of our year of catch up in about 5 minutes and thats allright. I heard what they did and I tried to tell him what I did. I always try to be close to my brother. Its something that i want… but its not going to happen. and how am i suppose to believe that he actually mailed something here. He’s such a liar. I shouldn’t talk though, I’m just as bad as he is really… or not… probably not… at least I can admit what I do.

The problem with me and my brother was that it was mostly surface talk. We tried to talk about things but its all crap when one stops to think about it. I just really, really wanted to talk to Isabella… thats all. Nothing to be sad about at all. I have to remember shes at that age where she won’t talk if she doesn’t want to. I’ve only not see na new picture of her since March. Thats not important at all… I just get a little frustrated sometimes and thats nothing. I’ll get by it.

so tomorrow is boxing day and yet again all things are exactally the same as they always were. and thats just fine too when you think about it. Until everyone goes back to their lives and my father goes home and i go home its groundhog day. I don’t really like breaks like that. I don’t know whats going to happen when hes living down here all the time and how this is all going to work.

Can classes just start again? Please? Can live continue on and maybe things go back into position. I just want everything to get quiet again. I’m tired of all this crap again.

so at right now my back is killing me… it hurts so badly… so I’m done… if i forgot anything i’ll tell you later.