SEEYA LATER 2005. YOU CAN GO SUCK SOME COCK AND COSMIC HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the trouble with Object permanence… yesterday and the day before


Object permanence is the term coined by Jean Piaget to describe the awareness that objects continue to exist even when they are no longer visible.

I think I have a problem with people telling me things and saying it is right there and well… maybe it is, but I can’t see it…This really is just something that I’m thinking and I just want to get it out and down here. I’d like to think that this is the new era of my journal, the new honest era in my journal and I think that I like it.

@}–}—

In theory there is a white 1999 Honda Accord in my garage that I can use whenever I want because my father purchaced it for us to share.10:01 am, at the pump in the Hess station in the next town over… lost the battle for the honda. My father and I have been going back and forth over things for years now I shouldnt’ shocked about why I lost this little war for it but it just irks me. I’m not responsible enough to have that car. and Myabe i’m not responsible enough to have it, but wouldn’t he like to find out? But he wanted to go to Perkins and everytime we go down to get breakfast out (with the exception of the one time my father and I went alone) it usually ends up with a whole lot of shit. but we always fight… I have memories of things we did that were good but there’s the rest of the crap that insulates them and its just makes me sad.

So the sorority came up. Of course its all my fault. Of course its me always being a bitch and me with my bad attitude. THIS IS THE OBJECT PERMANENCE THING. I’m suppose to have sisters there to support me and I know I’m not he best sister either but when they’re all doing whatever else they’re doing what do thats leave me with? Nothing. I feel like I’m alone and without sister and they promise things and never do it and I’m just suppose to believe in this?! I know I could be better and watch my tone and my attitude but it jsut makes me so sad about some things. I don’t even know why I’m still in it and my father wants to know what i’m getting out of it. nothing. i’m getting more stress

“I am not giving you a car to be a girl scout leader. you need to do well in school thats what your job is. not this.”

its’ something to do… I’m sorry. I want to do it at the same time I hate it butr having a car would be easier for me to do EVERYTHING. He says I don’t need to leave the campus for me to do what he wants me to do. I can go at the end of te week on friday to go and do whatever I need to do on the school van for an hour to do everything and then go back for 6 days and stay there. or go mooch off cowbell or someone else. NO I WANT TO BE INDEPENDANT OF THAT. but thats impossiable for me to do becaude I should jsut stay on campus and just do the school thing all the time and to me that would be swell up and die if I have to stay in bethlehem ALL the time… I get bored. so very bored of seeing the same 4 walls all the time but I know I should just shut up and deal with it.

maybe next year he says … I need to get ALL THE INFORMATION. Fuck you. I have all the information I need but if you want more of it than fine, I’ll find it for you.

I did want to give up the argument by the time we got to perkins… I had lost but I couldn’t just let it die. I wish I was smarter than I am and could just shut up. But they said to me that its not fair they have to listen to me bitch when I won’t hear them talk about the cellphone bill. I know about it. We cant afford to be paying a cell phone bill like that after my father being out of work all that time. I understand. I’m sorry… I said I’ll pay the bill but I don’t have the money right now because I was irresponsible with the rest of my speding throughout the semester. I’m going to work my hardest to get that money back so I can not only get a certain persons birthday present but to pay for my bills and my books and everything else. I want to be independant. Just get off my ass about a job.. I know I have a little job that i do at school and I know I need to get another one because i’m not being …allright…I’m not supporting myself through the school year. I spent a lot of money this past sememster…I’l have to try to get a better job next sememster … there has to be something else for me to do… I know that just didn’t make a whole lot of sense…whatever.

I wasted money on my cellphone and he feels that if he can’t trust me with the phone that i’ve had since 02 he can’t trust to park a car and keep it going and not have anything happen to it. Whatever… but with the way things are going with me lately maybe I don’t really need it there with me anyway.

my family… lovely people I guess. Somwhere in their they don’t all suck and even I know that but I feel this nice little strain of doubt. My mother and I get along so much better than I do with my father and it does make me sad… I just spent a lot of time talking to Davis about things like that … a lot of the night talking about that. I don’t meed to get to envious of things that are out of my control but it happens sometimes like that. I just get upset when I think about how things are between me and my father and it is as much my fault too. I just don’t know how to be quiet and listen. I need to remember where my place is… I know that its not all my fault with my father. He’s an odd duck that one. but the problem is I have always wanted to be that daddies girl and I always did egg this on and i know that I did this to help make it worse but it was some kind of attention. I hate thinking like that

I was never a deprived child in any way but I guess I wanted that and he’s a good man… why do I keep going over this? He said one day in the car that I am his little princess… Whatever. That just made me sick to hear it. If I was your little princess why did you chase me and hit me and make me hyper ventalate and make me scream and cry and feel like I mean nothing to you?

the last thing of intrest to me of that day was my trip to the bank that took me through Flemington, pittstown, quakertown, clinton, raritan and frenchtown. I didn’t want to go home. They always tell me that I have no expierence I never drive so I have no expierecen and how can i even CONSIDER taking the car when I have no expierence … so I took the car for a 2 hour trip to a bank thats 5 minutes away. I was speeding I was wreckless I was being an idiot but I didn’t care. the music was loud, there are no cops on those roads … I just felt like if I turned on “Fast Car” I would not have gone home. But eventually I did go home after making a deposit and praying to the goddesses above that I’ll have enough for books and that other thing. They want me to tell them where I’m going but I did tell them. then I went to get expierence. I almost hit it a tree … went off the road because going 60 on a 20 around a curve is dumb. I said I was upset didn’t I? But I made it home and wasn’t as angry as I was before. I loved that drive.. I love going around and seeing all of those things on those back roads and wished that I had someone there to tell about it too. I know those roads because of my old mas joy riding. I never wanted to go home… no… never at all.

~*~

so my father sends me and my mother out on his errands yesterday. We were going to the dollar store but never really got there. My brother took a few pictures or had them taken or something but its him and his kid and kelli and her kid in black and white and he wanted them framed. So instead of HIM going out and getting his frames he sends me and my mother to go do that and to get a new printer and all of this hooey because he’s always so busy. We never made it to the dollar store.

For christmas he went out and got my mother this brand new digital camera… This man has been wasting money for years on trying to print photos on an epson 600 or an 880 or this HP piece of junk that wasn’t worth the money paid for it… so I offer him my lexmark photo printer that I have but he says no to that and go out and get a new printer. I adore Epson printers, I wanted an epson of my own but that printer of mine was a gift… but I go get this brand new top of te line one with an led screen and a memory card that is specifically for printing the pictures out. It even had a $50 rebate on it. It’s a great printer… well.. this morning my mother says they’re going to staples to get something and leave about an hour ago and they just came back to PICK UP THE PRINTER because he doesn’t need that and the ink is too expensive and all of this crap BUT THAT IS EXACTALLY WHAT HE WANTED… why can’t htis man just go to the kinkos and print the photos out on the photo machine?!

I always say I’m going to go to one of those places and make an album of all of isabellas pictures off one of those machines and make it beautiful for him but I just get so frustrated I run out of enthuasism.

So back went the printer. maybe. I don’t know. It’s in the jeep. What the fuck ever.

*}:{*

I guess the rest of the afternoon was fine… and when it got late I started to work on a vonichka at about 11 or so… something else where the rules change in my house. So its about 11:45 my father comes down to yell at me for baking at night and there is no reason for me to be doing this now and I’m not allowed to this now… oh all this crap but I can’t stop it now. I told him I’m trying to be quiet and I didn’t mean to wake him up and I’m sorry.

my mother came down around 2 and didn’t really care about it. She always lets me do things like that and always has. Baking is something you have to be there for the whole time doing nothing else for. I don’t see why I should do it during the day when I have 500 other things I would like to be doing.

But I was on the phone with Davis the whole time… it takes about 5 hours to make one of those loaves and I was making 4 at one time. That was such an adventure. I thought I did everything right. But it was 4:30 in the morning by the time I started to go to bed and do things like that. I put my computer in my space (its a laptop) on its table right in my spot… I thought that would be okay as long as its in my spot and not in the way. I did all my dishes, put everything away… I get downstairs after being woken upthis morning to pack up those breads to mail and I hear that the table is no place for a laptop. I don’t leave things there… and my father doesn’t care how late it was I am not suppose to be doing that at night because how can he sleep if he’s smelling bread baking at 4am.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Everytime I try to talk like this, talk about I’m sorry and want to do better and want to make things the best and change… its always talking out of my ass. It’s not what I say its how I say it…I just need to figure otu a way to say it better so I get taken seriously and not made fun of or whatever. but no one believes me when I say I’m sorry or I feel I’m stupid. No one thinks that I’m not saying that because I’m insane or talking out of my ass or whatever it is that I’m trying to do maybe I wouldn’t flip out all the time like I’ve been known to do. But how can I talk about these things when I’ve never gotten to before. I don’t know how to express it like an adult. I guess thats as much my problem as anyone elses.

but Davis and I were on the phone for 5 hours talking while I was doing that… and I was talking to his brother with him on Furc too… James seems a lot like my brother (I find that amusing)… but there were a few moments last night… I found myself in a happy shock and this state of horror at the same time. I said something last night..well.. I don’t think I really said it I think Julaya-Na actually said that. but it went back to the proposal in the MRI that I didn’t hear and how he felt after that and just trhe way things went and how it looked. I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I just don’t know. I’m scared of things like this. i’m in the shadow of someone who married young because of a mistake and someone who lived at home until she was almost 30 and tells me there’s no rush to get married, there’s no rush to have children do everything you want to in your life before you get involved with someone. I know this is my desision.. and I have things I want and need to do and i know there is no rush and no pressure or whatever is going on but I just don’t know

and then there is Victor. He never really respected me, he always talked down to me I always was treated like I was below him and now things are changing and I just feel like i’m being pulled at times when I know what I like and its comfortable because I don’t have tothink or feel or even deal with anything. So.. here’s I’m tired and at this stalemate with myself again and I know what the best answer is for myself. But sometimes I think that answer is just going to make everyone cringe. We’ll just have to see. I wonder if I should take back what I said last night in favor of that … being by myself and listening to my elders thing… I know that I have to think about things.

::End Transmission::
~Juliet 11:16am

S’more random stuff that i think about


I forgot a christmas tradition… one that actually happened… my dad got me a scratch lottery ticket… every year like clockwork he does but this year he didn’t do it and I didn’t even bother to mention it because there really are no heirlooms or treasures or traditions that are real here… but today after we were home for a bit he came in from getting a pizza and handed me one and said he was sorry he forgot. At least something was there

When I say I’m not home why do you still have to make me answer the phone and be nice? Why can’t I say that I’m busy and don’t want to talk? You always make me talk when I don’t want to. I don’t understand why you do that to me. I hate it. I didn’t want to talk to Artie the other day and you made me anyway… thats not fair. You can be busy and I respect that but no, you have to make me be nice to everyone. I am not going to be and i don’t like that you try to make me. Shut up and go away and mind your business

If I have to pay these bills you’re going to be out anyway. I either pay off the money I owe you… which you say is over 1000 dollars. I only have 1300 left in my bank account… it might be 1100 now after all the clay I got…. and 1000 of that goes to you… i get $40 every 2 weeks from the school for working and have 100 in my bank account? Yes.. I had 3000 at the end of the summer and my bank account has lasted almost 3 years of college but if i can’t buy my books you’ll have to do it for me and be screwed anyway. I wasted a lot of money on Itunes, little things I wanted… useless nonsense because I needed it and now what? Okay… I will be so much more careful to try to save all of my money… i didn’t have a job until recently and now I do again… I can’t get a better one because of all of the other things I do….I just wish I was close to him months ago and had any idea it would be like this now… I can’t afford what I want to do for his birthday and it makes me feel so bad that I can’t but I don’t even know what I’d be able to get us there anyway… I will be able to do it someday I know I will and it would have to be soon.

So now I’m at this crossroads with things where I know life is going to change and it could be in a very, very bad way

p.s: All I wanted for christmas was headphones,The great american song book Volume 4, and the Antigone Rising cd from Starbucks… whenever you asked that was all I constantly said…I know I sound completely ungrateful right now and like a total bitch because i am very lucky to have a home to go to or to have gotten anything at all …at least I got one of those bad ass gift card things. I know I sound completely ungrateful bitch right now… and i don’t mean it.. but… oh whatever…

oh, and one other thing… if you going to promise something at least keep your word for it. I hate people who promise things and never do them. Stop it. stop it right now.

The rest of my day


sorry about the cut off like that… I had that in a notebook and ended up copying it over into this. the rest of the day … well… I don’t want to talk about it but I am. I got to my grandfathers and things were about the same as always… we took his present into the kitchen and sat in the parlor with the dog giving him cookies and talking. well, not actual talking it was just surfacecrap and trying to figure out what we were going to do for food.

I love legal seafood… but we just had fish before that on christmas eve so why do it again but portabello keeps failing the health inspection…its good though.

but we’re getting ready to go and I take his dog out for a little walk around by the park just to think about the things that went before… i posted about what i think about the park… So I come back in with the dog and decide that its about time for us to get going. My father and I go out to clear out the car and we all come outside … after a few minutes my mother is wondering whats going on and why its taking my grandfather so long to come outside. My mother goes in…and finally I go back in and find him slumped on the floor by the bed and my mother sitting beside him. I was sent back outside to go get my father. We all comeback in and try not to look upset or worried or anything and he said that hes okay.

He had a blackout the other dayand fell in the bathroomand took a large crack out of his head and it bled for 3 days but he doesn’t want to go to doctor about it or go to the hospital or anything else like that. We think he’s comming to the end of his life. He has two large things on his head from where hes fallen. I was scared but at the same time not paniced. He didn’t want to get up ro go out so we finally made a desision to go out to bostin market and get something to bring back…

before we left the phone rang and i went to answer it. I have an uncle who is a little out there… well… hes kinda sucks. but he called to see where my other uncle was and he at first was about to not talk to me. I think he thought I was my mother who he hasn’t spoken to in years because hes an idiot. but when i answered the phone he didn’t reply right away… so i said hello again…and finally he talked as was damn frosty and i thought he was going to hang up on me… there are 2 arts who spend a lot of time in that house. how am i suppose to know when someone asks for art who to say? and the one wasn’tthere and they other said he wasn’t there… so we talked for a minute and he called PA on his cell and that was it

Where my grandfather lives is very close to NYC. He’s across the border and right near one of the biggest shopping areas in the contry. My father and I went out to get things and somehow ended up in Paramus by missing our turn and passed the GS plaza and it was a complete nightmare… how could anything be so busy… we get the food and come home and it took us about 30-45 minutes.

he actually ate and we were happy but thingd aren’t looking good for him. Somehow that seems allright though… I got another voice mail from xamp…Icalled him backand my father was okay with it at first when we were at the bosten chicken but when we got to the car I felt the slam from it. its okay…. slam me have fun… i can’t pay for books and its all my fault. shut up and go away.

we sat in the kitchen and talkedand my father farted and stunk up the house but it was nice. but sad at the same time.

the drive home was allright and a little long… i wanted to just have a hug and want to know how much longer the family is going to be thinking like hes on deaths door. again. the ride home was long and i was trying to listen from behind my headphones and not think. after the the night is still reasionably young

…they check my cell phone daily at the verigion site and give me updates now… just what i need to make me snap right?