well, this is the second night in a row…. its 4am and i’m still awake… so whatif last night i got a 2-3 hour nap earlier… i was still up more than i wasn’t and tonight i’ve just been up… so the mindless banter being set befor you isn’t requiring reading… its just me trying to get out everything… or as much of it as I can
i woke up before to find him sleep on… maybe that was around 3…. on the floor because i took up too much opf the bed. Now i’m in the chair because i cant sleep with his snoring and I don’t want to wake him up about it. some things are more important than sleep in the long run… really… thats what it comes down to. so I can be tired… Thats fine with me…
i have a lot of updating to do… i guess now is as good as any to actuially get it done… its not like im going to do homework or anything since i have the time for it….
Everyone knows about my little black popeyed fantailed goldfish Twitchie…. I got him on January 9th 3 years ahgo when i moved into Moravian… Thursday morning my mommy found him sucked up into the filter…he died… we thought it was because the intake pipe had been knocked off but he was pretty big. I feel like I lost a part of my heart knowing hes gone. That little guy was just always so happy and he made me feel better all the time. I’m going to miss going in there and calling to him in that stupid way i always did…my littlest one is gone… le sigh…. I spent all of thursday crying because of it… like… total psychopath crying but he’s my baby…Davis got the Im from my mother about what happened. He never really looks at my stuff and i told him it was okay to liik and he said it was like someone tapped him and told him to look…. I’m glad he saw it and told me… it was a little less horrific (althought still really really bad) hearing it from him.
Finals are next week. I cant believe another semester is over with and I’m getting into my actual… final senior year of college and its about god damn time. thats really getting to be a scary thought thou… where am I going to go from here? Davis wants to plan and get married nad do all of these tihngs which I know are the irght thing to do… and i’m so god damn selfish all the time. I need to become a better person fo him but it just seems so impossiable. i’m not a prisioner, I’m not forced to do anything but at the same time I just feel so much pressure. I cant keep this state of limbo… its curel to him. he gave up so much to be here iwth me and hej ust wants us to get married nad move on with our lives and thats what I’ll have to do for him then its what I have to do. He wanted to get married last year and I just wasn’t ready, I still don’t know if I’m ready. I’m trying to make myself ready as fast as I can go move into that new role…the offical role…
It’s just really hard… I knowi ts the right thing to do… like there are other right things to do that I want to talk about in here… I really, really want ot talk about but they upset him so much that I cant do it. He doesn’t want anyone to know and Im not the kind of person to just lock out entires… so I’m just not going to talk about it. It’s killing me not to because in my hewad its all logical and right there and its not to make anyone feel bad… its not to make anything get worse or make anyone feel inferrior its just who I am now and I hate feeling like what I useto do and what I useto want to do makes me into that person all the time. I out grew it and if i’m having trouble getting back into ANYTHING like I useto be then thats not his problem… its my problem… which of course is OUR PROBLEM… which is how all of this shit gets worse than it has to be…
teamwork… its not like I WANT to resist him…. It’s just how I ma and I mean…I say this a lot…”I’m a good girl” but i’m not a good girl. i’m a selfish self-loathing girl… I have so much to be thankful and grateful for but instead there’s sometihng else that I want thats impossiable. So here I sit… stairing down the elephant in the room…thast probably part of the reason I’m not sleeping… Because god knows his snoring and the heartburn isn’t bad enough.
I just feel like I hve too much to say tonight and not evough time to put it all down here in. I mean… technically i have 4 hours before I ahve to even think about getting up to go to work so I have all the time in the world… but once he wakes up I know that i’ll end upback in bed with him. It’s nice there…Nice and warm…i don’t really feel like being warm right now. I feel like getting everything done that i’ve not been getting done.
i have so much to be thankful for.. so many things that i need to show grattitude for…but instead I feel like Im just disegraceful. I hate feeling like i have to make this choice between my mother and him. i’m not being force into it… i’ve been “Shown” what their true colors are…i mean…. Ive been shown time after time what kind of people they are and can be… and I know how they did things were wrong but its so ahrd to just have to tell them those things. I kow that they did their best that they could do on me … it kills me inside to know how different he grew up than I did and to me it wasn’t abusive… it was painful and demoralizing… and i know it was wrong… i knew all of it was wrong on some level or another….I’m not saying anything was right… its just so painful sometimes to hear they don’t deserve my loyalty.
I know where it should go. i’m not an idiot… I know that It should go to my davis who loves me and treats me like this goddess…whos done so much for me… whos giving me this lovely little life that i love and hate so much somedays because of it… i love it so much more thnai ever could hate it. but I get stressed nad I get angry like he does and I get resistant and i make everything harder than it has to be. I know that. i should just go to him and stay here…. I should marry him because I love him and because i know that it will be good and sweet… He needs the security… hed thought we would be married by now. god…somedays I think we should get married like… this second and other days the thought of “being married” makesme want to throw up. It’s not him. It’s never him. It’s jsut knowing that after that there is no escape route. i always like to ahve a way out and i know there is a way out here but its impossiable… I’d never be able to do that. I do really, really love him. I have to say that again because i don’t want to think I’m doing this for te wrong reasons….sometimes i just feel like this was more than I barganed for.
sometimes I get angry… sometimes i get ngry for things i’m told I say or do that I know I didn’t….or have no memory of… or those things that are read betwen thl ines of my words….I know i’m not the msot explicitly clear on a lot of things… but when I said no about something awhile back. I MEANT IT DAMNIT DON’T TELL ME WHAT I MEANT. LET ME TELL YOU… i don’t regret anything…. i mean… love is good. life is good….
i think hes waking up… but i don’t know… i cant see him because my laptop is blocking the view betwen us. i don’t really want to move the thing either because it makes more noise than its worth. I thought iwas going to come over here nad play maple but i’m too tired to do that… he’s so tired… I’m glad to see him sleep… I think i might just stay in the chair if I fall asleep unless he wants me to come over there if he wakes up. I jsut cant deal with the snoring in my ear right now. i know he said for me to poke him and wake him but, but i don’t want to hurt his feelings… I tried to poke ihm the other night and made hmi sad again… sometimes it feels like all I’m good at is making him sad.
really… yeah… thats what it comes down to i think..I think all I do is make him sad… a couple of weeks ago … back in march…. before my birthday… I took a knife and was tracingl ikes on my skin thinking about killing myself because of stress with my mom… and all i could think about was how sad I make him by doing this… but how said he’ll be if I kill myself here rightnow… but howin the long run no one is the winner. i had a real cutting knife and was sitting on the bed in a psycotic episode wanting to kill myself. part of me regrets not doing it… but im not good at that whole suicide thing.s i made a promise that i wouldn’t kill myself to him and he was so angry at me for doing that… so i’m not going to do it ever again. i cant let myself do it, no matter how bad ti gets because hes still here. Hes always here…hes always here for me and has done so much for me… and i’m a hewartless bitch who cant bring herself to marry him yet. Not because she doesn’t love ihm… but because she had all these stupid pathetic plans way back when and now they’re all gone…. i have to make te new plans and i’ve just had so much trouble doing it.
damnit….i wish he’d wake up on his own so i could come back to bed…. but i don’t want to climb back in there right now with him stil asleep.. I really don’t want to go to work at 9…. its going to be such a painfully long day…
i think i’ll stop the insanity now. I cant post about what i really, truly want to post about so i just give up.