i got to leave work early

ohmgod the final is done… the one for Womens Studies… ohmgod…thanks handsome for writing my conclusion!!!!

so… im still so depressed over twitchie dying on Thursday…broke my heart to know that my sweet little twitchlet isn’t going to be there when i get home next. I’ve been homesick for days now and ive not been able to sleep… i have a final at 8 this morning too…

Im going to miss my little twitchies little twitch, i look at the fish here and get sad because i love them, but twitchie was my baby. He was a lot like me…

… I’m scared to go see my Neuro in June… im scared of him even if my davis will come with me…

im so tired

well, this is the second night in a row…. its 4am and i’m still awake… so whatif last night i got a 2-3 hour nap earlier… i was still up more than i wasn’t and tonight i’ve just been up… so the mindless banter being set befor you isn’t requiring reading… its just me trying to get out everything… or as much of it as I can

i woke up before to find him sleep on… maybe that was around 3…. on the floor because i took up too much opf the bed. Now i’m in the chair because i cant sleep with his snoring and I don’t want to wake him up about it. some things are more important than sleep in the long run… really… thats what it comes down to. so I can be tired… Thats fine with me…

i have a lot of updating to do… i guess now is as good as any to actuially get it done… its not like im going to do homework or anything since i have the time for it….

Everyone knows about my little black popeyed fantailed goldfish Twitchie…. I got him on January 9th 3 years ahgo when i moved into Moravian… Thursday morning my mommy found him sucked up into the filter…he died… we thought it was because the intake pipe had been knocked off but he was pretty big. I feel like I lost a part of my heart knowing hes gone. That little guy was just always so happy and he made me feel better all the time. I’m going to miss going in there and calling to him in that stupid way i always did…my littlest one is gone… le sigh…. I spent all of thursday crying because of it… like… total psychopath crying but he’s my baby…Davis got the Im from my mother about what happened. He never really looks at my stuff and i told him it was okay to liik and he said it was like someone tapped him and told him to look…. I’m glad he saw it and told me… it was a little less horrific (althought still really really bad) hearing it from him.

Finals are next week. I cant believe another semester is over with and I’m getting into my actual… final senior year of college and its about god damn time. thats really getting to be a scary thought thou… where am I going to go from here? Davis wants to plan and get married nad do all of these tihngs which I know are the irght thing to do… and i’m so god damn selfish all the time. I need to become a better person fo him but it just seems so impossiable. i’m not a prisioner, I’m not forced to do anything but at the same time I just feel so much pressure. I cant keep this state of limbo… its curel to him. he gave up so much to be here iwth me and hej ust wants us to get married nad move on with our lives and thats what I’ll have to do for him then its what I have to do. He wanted to get married last year and I just wasn’t ready, I still don’t know if I’m ready. I’m trying to make myself ready as fast as I can go move into that new role…the offical role…

It’s just really hard… I knowi ts the right thing to do… like there are other right things to do that I want to talk about in here… I really, really want ot talk about but they upset him so much that I cant do it. He doesn’t want anyone to know and Im not the kind of person to just lock out entires… so I’m just not going to talk about it. It’s killing me not to because in my hewad its all logical and right there and its not to make anyone feel bad… its not to make anything get worse or make anyone feel inferrior its just who I am now and I hate feeling like what I useto do and what I useto want to do makes me into that person all the time. I out grew it and if i’m having trouble getting back into ANYTHING like I useto be then thats not his problem… its my problem… which of course is OUR PROBLEM… which is how all of this shit gets worse than it has to be…

teamwork… its not like I WANT to resist him…. It’s just how I ma and I mean…I say this a lot…”I’m a good girl” but i’m not a good girl. i’m a selfish self-loathing girl… I have so much to be thankful and grateful for but instead there’s sometihng else that I want thats impossiable. So here I sit… stairing down the elephant in the room…thast probably part of the reason I’m not sleeping… Because god knows his snoring and the heartburn isn’t bad enough.

I just feel like I hve too much to say tonight and not evough time to put it all down here in. I mean… technically i have 4 hours before I ahve to even think about getting up to go to work so I have all the time in the world… but once he wakes up I know that i’ll end upback in bed with him. It’s nice there…Nice and warm…i don’t really feel like being warm right now. I feel like getting everything done that i’ve not been getting done.

i have so much to be thankful for.. so many things that i need to show grattitude for…but instead I feel like Im just disegraceful. I hate feeling like i have to make this choice between my mother and him. i’m not being force into it… i’ve been “Shown” what their true colors are…i mean…. Ive been shown time after time what kind of people they are and can be… and I know how they did things were wrong but its so ahrd to just have to tell them those things. I kow that they did their best that they could do on me … it kills me inside to know how different he grew up than I did and to me it wasn’t abusive… it was painful and demoralizing… and i know it was wrong… i knew all of it was wrong on some level or another….I’m not saying anything was right… its just so painful sometimes to hear they don’t deserve my loyalty.

I know where it should go. i’m not an idiot… I know that It should go to my davis who loves me and treats me like this goddess…whos done so much for me… whos giving me this lovely little life that i love and hate so much somedays because of it… i love it so much more thnai ever could hate it. but I get stressed nad I get angry like he does and I get resistant and i make everything harder than it has to be. I know that. i should just go to him and stay here…. I should marry him because I love him and because i know that it will be good and sweet… He needs the security… hed thought we would be married by now. god…somedays I think we should get married like… this second and other days the thought of “being married” makesme want to throw up. It’s not him. It’s never him. It’s jsut knowing that after that there is no escape route. i always like to ahve a way out and i know there is a way out here but its impossiable… I’d never be able to do that. I do really, really love him. I have to say that again because i don’t want to think I’m doing this for te wrong reasons….sometimes i just feel like this was more than I barganed for.

sometimes I get angry… sometimes i get ngry for things i’m told I say or do that I know I didn’t….or have no memory of… or those things that are read betwen thl ines of my words….I know i’m not the msot explicitly clear on a lot of things… but when I said no about something awhile back. I MEANT IT DAMNIT DON’T TELL ME WHAT I MEANT. LET ME TELL YOU… i don’t regret anything…. i mean… love is good. life is good….

i think hes waking up… but i don’t know… i cant see him because my laptop is blocking the view betwen us. i don’t really want to move the thing either because it makes more noise than its worth. I thought iwas going to come over here nad play maple but i’m too tired to do that… he’s so tired… I’m glad to see him sleep… I think i might just stay in the chair if I fall asleep unless he wants me to come over there if he wakes up. I jsut cant deal with the snoring in my ear right now. i know he said for me to poke him and wake him but, but i don’t want to hurt his feelings… I tried to poke ihm the other night and made hmi sad again… sometimes it feels like all I’m good at is making him sad.

really… yeah… thats what it comes down to i think..I think all I do is make him sad… a couple of weeks ago … back in march…. before my birthday… I took a knife and was tracingl ikes on my skin thinking about killing myself because of stress with my mom… and all i could think about was how sad I make him by doing this… but how said he’ll be if I kill myself here rightnow… but howin the long run no one is the winner. i had a real cutting knife and was sitting on the bed in a psycotic episode wanting to kill myself. part of me regrets not doing it… but im not good at that whole suicide thing.s i made a promise that i wouldn’t kill myself to him and he was so angry at me for doing that… so i’m not going to do it ever again. i cant let myself do it, no matter how bad ti gets because hes still here. Hes always here…hes always here for me and has done so much for me… and i’m a hewartless bitch who cant bring herself to marry him yet. Not because she doesn’t love ihm… but because she had all these stupid pathetic plans way back when and now they’re all gone…. i have to make te new plans and i’ve just had so much trouble doing it.

damnit….i wish he’d wake up on his own so i could come back to bed…. but i don’t want to climb back in there right now with him stil asleep.. I really don’t want to go to work at 9…. its going to be such a painfully long day…

i think i’ll stop the insanity now. I cant post about what i really, truly want to post about so i just give up.

Mary Kay night

well… it was my first class and it actually didn’t go to bad. Joycee invited me to do more with her like that and i feel very proud of mself for making it through one and getting myself some sales. That was exciting for me. To know that i actually can sell this stuff and maybe be able to do this well.

I’m not going to be able to place the inventory like Joyce or karen have because im not taking out a bank loan to do it…but it took about 2 hours and it made sales. it was just exciting

i just have to pop over to wegmans now and get my check and a few other things before class. more later on the stress in my life.

The Jazz paper is finally done! YAY… bibliography too.

So all that’s left for me now is the Malleus paper, the PRDS paper and the Religion? paper. That almost seems manageable!

I should start working on any one of those papers right now…. Sounds like a good idea. Probably that religion? paper… that would be the easiest to do. I think… Maybe… but the Malleus paper has to have more done on it for Thursday. Maybe I’ll start that first.

I think I’ll take a bath… Work tonight until 8 too. Damn I better get cracking

I got pinned Mary Kay today.. that was very nice nad exciting. They have so much energy those girls and i felt like i was feeding off of it while I was there. I really want to get perkier and do a better job at it. I’ve not made one sell yet… i know ive only been in it for a week but i want to do well.. I got a yellow rose and my pin and i even won a prize… I didn’t do the project to the best of my ability but i did do it and got it done. It was a little bit of a lie, i didn’t really sell everything to the best of my ability and didn’t do the whole set to everyone.. but i did my best….

Joycee invited me to do classes with her this week ,a Tuesday and a Thursday and im going for the thursday. She’s going to have about 40 people there, that means i can get my perfect start going and hopefully if i can get 30 people or at least 20 something that means i can get my powerstart too and hopefully some orders and get it in!

I ordered my mommy’s birthday cake today… that was nice. shes getting a lemon raspberry whipped cream cake. When i asked her what she wanted that was it. I put on the directions they i want it to be made pretty. I think im going to be the one making it so it shouldn’t be too hard…

in other news i got he letter about my learning disabilities today… I was granted my accommodation!!!!! I can take a philosophy course instead of a math course. I’m going to talk to st.john tomorrow and see what we can do about it! That means graduation is going to come a whole lot quicker!!! YAY

… i don’t know what else to put in here tonight, i have a whole lot of work to be doing to be done for the end of the semester.

Divide and Conquor…

Big Donna came back to work yesterday…. shes being nice to me…. she’s never been nice to me before now and i just don’t understand it… She’s trying to Divide and Conqour the bakery and its making me sick.

Shes made donald so upset and he was working out front today and never said anything to anyone. She said that he was having fits all over the place and making people cry and throwing things. Thats not like Donald! He can be a total dick sometimes but hes still my friend and i won’t believe that anything like that would have happened. They all had to go up to sandy Friday because of a tantrum that happened and they’ve all not recovered.

…they said they were taking the radio away today too… but its still there. i wonder about tomorrow where im here by myself.

She said to me that i have a beautiful voice and should go on American idol… i wanted to die, but i was hoping so much that maybe she’s changed and maybe shes not insane… but shes a total nut. George and Donald went home early … Mariah left at 1:30… I was stuck there with donna until i left about 4…

I went to make a the great one of icing about 2 hours before i left or something…when Marissa got there and she was told all of the stuff that mariah and i knew and she didn’t believe anything donna said because it just want fair. Marissa knew if Donald did something like donna was accusing that mariah and i would have told her about it. Mariah and marissa are really close.

But i told her that donna was talking to beth too and tried to marissa look like she was nuts to the bread sellers. I was so happy to get the hell out of that bakery and i feel so wound up i could cry.

Vicki said if Donald walks out then she will to… Jillians last day is tomorrow… Mariah is going to Nazereth for the summer… Mary went to Tillman…Marissa has her month long honeymoon comming up… I don’t want to be here all alone

i miscarried a few years ago… i never gave her a name or much attention until now… Davis thought of a beautiful one for her and it reminds me a lot of the time when it happened…

we named her Maria Estelle. It reminds me a lot of when we sang an Ave Maria and it made me think of things that were good and beautiful…

so thats why… she officially has a name…

oh m’god

i got my box of Mary Kay today and almost died when i had the orentation. I went and met with karen and she scared the shit out of me so much stuff i have ot know and sohuld have known before now and i feel like i ma totally in over m head and out of my depth.

I had to talk to Davis about it and then on the way home i called Joyce on the way home from lunch and told her that she gotme into this and i don’t know what im going to do and how im going to have this happen Karen wants me to take out a loan from the band and it sounds like too much money and too much time and i ts not going ot be my full time life job doing this, its just another little job to help get through the stuff that is called life

she told me that Karen is a little like that, she can be a bit scary and times and she went home and cried after she got out of her orientation too. I wsh she told me more than i knew when i got in. She wants to stop over tonight if she can and we’re going to go though everything together and talk about all of this more nad more and she promised me shes going to help me get to my star consultant before june is over and we can do this.

She said that the smallest package goes really fast and i have 13 days to get my perfect start going and to get something else going and do everything. Shes calling me tomorrow for me to have made up my mind about everything and i am just about to die from all of this… but im not have as upset as i was earlier today

i came home and started doing homework. my paperwork for the Buddhism project is done, then i’m doing the Jazz paper too. After that its only 2 more papers to do andi know its not going to be too hard to get those finished… this is my short break so i don’t go insane from working too hard.

today was the last day of the PRDS class with Rabbi and im going to miss it so much…. i have a final to do for him too but thats not going to be too much…

more later.