nightmares …. again


Last night I had some awesome scifi dream … but ir was bookended by nightmares … so I took a nap and then had more nightmares… and they're about my landlord ….so I told Davis and he was like "Well, if he does evict us we'll just get a storage room and move back into the hotel… and just have to use the camping stove for a while again… but we've had worse things happen..See nothing to worry about"


$57 at the laundromat… major dystonic attack… voices in my head are going nuts … and all I want is a few minutes neurotypical … if I go to bed tonight it will be shocking… but yeah… spent a few hours today not able to make my face go back to normal or have my hands work the way they should… oh, and choking … i have the choking tic …now I need to get back to sculpting, baking, cleaning, folding and cooking … and trying to not think about how broken I am

Maybe…. maybe


My period is late… this is really exciting because we've been trying for a baby for so long … this might be it!!!! Finally!!!! My mom keeps telling me this would be the worst time for us to have a kid because of how things are going right now and because of my health … but God, I want this so bad… so does Davis … I hope to god this is it… we've lost so many…

awake since 4…


I feel like I was just here… oh wait… I was. I can't sleep… I'm worried about money… I'm freaking out about it… about the rent… about him going to maine to see his daughter and what we're going to do… the checking account was overdrawn and we lost $180 there… and it just keeps getting worse there…. Im trying, I'm trying so very hard but nothing is ever good enough… and I just feel sick…I need more sleep… but i just can't. I already did 20 minutes on the Wii fit and I've tried to get calm… but i don't know …

useless…


I don't know how someone can get so upset over something so stupid and little. I've lived here forever of course I don't remember or care about all the stupid sightseeing things I did back then … yes, I'll go with you … but don't be such a pain in the ass over it … Oh, and our power got turned off again today … I got it put back on for $48 but I have to make another payment tomorrow of more than I have… I'm so scared… I am so scared… So I say that I really feel like life sucks … and someone… in the other room gets all upset over me feeling that way … "Well, I'm a big part of your life so you're telling me I suck too" … no, I didn't say that… asshole.

nothing like getting kicked in the ass… again


its a catch 22… my credit is bad because i've not been able to find adaquit work … but i cant get adiquit work because my credit is bad … and i dont want to do retail anymore… i physically cant… my body is totally wrecked… but it seems like there is … well… thats it. I worry a lot about things like that and whats to come…

I should worry about my spelling on this craptop of mine… it doesn't have the same auto correct but it doesn't seem to bother me…

im kinda enjoying my bullshit fast too… im avoiding some people because i cant take the drama … not like i dont make enough of my own … there was other stuff today that was making me freak out … but i didn't ACTUALLY freak out. my mom was really proud. I told her that once I get to a specific point i cant even freak anymore… i just get defeated and realize that the dreams i had mean nothing…

well… so other than not getting the job i hoped to get … i did 4 loads of dishes, sorta cleaned my house… my diet is going ok … Zumba is still amazing… i got the food shopping done … and the house is cleaner even if its not perfect… i still have a lot to do… i have stuff i have to sell to try to find some extra money.. any will do … i know there are movies of mine that i can sell… and a few other things …