From Zero-to-Hero…


So, I have this obcession with C-list Disney movies… I can admit it. You know the ones I’m talking about… The Hunchback of Notre Dame…. Herculese… yeah. I love them. There’s just something beautiful about them and it makes me happy. Part of it is because I relate to these characters. Herculese is ridiculed because of something that he can’t help… he was born a god and has to deal with the effects of not being where he belongs. But, the one I find that I love the most is Quasimodo.

The theological themes are amazing in that movie too, BTW.

But… The poor guy just can’t get a break, he can’t help he was born deformed … I can’t help I was born with Tourette’s and all this other crap wrong with me. He’s locked away in the belltower by someone who can’t love him, who can’t deal with him. I had a parent who was completely ill equipt to deal with me, and found me to be an embarassment, just like Frollo finds Quasimodo… He finds someone to protect him, someone to care for him … and in my case i was lucky becuuse he loved me back… but the poor hero, he loves this girl and she doesn’t see him as anymore than just her friend.

She’s more than meets the eye too… maybe tha’ts something elst entirely for me? Because I understand where she’s coming from too… I feel like i’ve been locked away where no one else can see, but somehow I’ve always been useful anyway…

I could watch this movie forever… I just love the themes of protecting the outcast, about God saving the outcast and those people who are in a position less lucky … even those in that position can feel like they are alright because there are people less lucky and need more help and love… because Esmeralda can provide for herself. No, she doesn’t love Quasi, but she loves her people and is a good friend.

I guess I relate a bit to both of them. God help the Outcasts…. I feel like I should feel lucky, my TS is sorta undercontrol compared to other people with it… I have to be greatful and happy and when i do complain it’s wrong. Someone else always has it worse than I do … then I attract attention and drama… it’s wrong of me to want that. I watch people on the TS groups complaining about their tics and I know Ive been doing that… I just… I want to be better and I want a cure, but I know that the chances of that are so slim… so What good is it to beg for something for myself when I can take care of myself.

No one really cares what I have to say anyway. I find that I want to talk so much but when I try to … everyone else has so much more to say and it’s all more important than what I have. People can go on for hours… days sometimes even when i’m at my lowest and never even notice that I’ve not said a word. I never say a word. Then when I finally burst it’s confusing… or overwhleming or something else entirely.

 I have so much to say …. at least DragonSpeak is almost done installing, i think I could get more of this out by talking it, not like it matters too much

zero to hero


So, I have this obcession with C-list Disney movies… I can admit it. You know the ones I’m talking about… The Hunchback of Notre Dame…. Herculese… yeah. I love them. There’s just something beautiful about them and it makes me happy. Part of it is because I relate to these characters. Herculese is ridiculed because of something that he can’t help… he was born a god and has to deal with the effects of not being where he belongs. But, the one I find that I love the most is Quasimodo.

The theological themes are amazing in that movie too, BTW.

But… The poor guy just can’t get a break, he can’t help he was born deformed … I can’t help I was born with Tourette’s and all this other crap wrong with me. He’s locked away in the belltower by someone who can’t love him, who can’t deal with him. I had a parent who was completely ill equipt to deal with me, and found me to be an embarassment, just like Frollo finds Quasimodo… He finds someone to protect him, someone to care for him … and in my case i was lucky becuuse he loved me back… but the poor hero, he loves this girl and she doesn’t see him as anymore than just her friend.

She’s more than meets the eye too… maybe tha’ts something elst entirely for me? Because I understand where she’s coming from too… I feel like i’ve been locked away where no one else can see, but somehow I’ve always been useful anyway…

I could watch this movie forever… I just love the themes of protecting the outcast, about God saving the outcast and those people who are in a position less lucky … even those in that position can feel like they are alright because there are people less lucky and need more help and love… because Esmeralda can provide for herself. No, she doesn’t love Quasi, but she loves her people and is a good friend.

I guess I relate a bit to both of them. God help the Outcasts…. I feel like I should feel lucky, my TS is sorta undercontrol compared to other people with it… I have to be greatful and happy and when i do complain it’s wrong. Someone else always has it worse than I do … then I attract attention and drama… it’s wrong of me to want that. I watch people on the TS groups complaining about their tics and I know Ive been doing that… I just… I want to be better and I want a cure, but I know that the chances of that are so slim… so What good is it to beg for something for myself when I can take care of myself.

No one really cares what I have to say anyway. I find that I want to talk so much but when I try to … everyone else has so much more to say and it’s all more important than what I have. People can go on for hours… days sometimes even when i’m at my lowest and never even notice that I’ve not said a word. I never say a word. Then when I finally burst it’s confusing… or overwhleming or something else entirely.

I have so much to say …. at least DragonSpeak is almost done installing, i think I could get more of this out by talking it, not like it matters too much

I go back to work tomorrow


I'm kinda scared … i go back to work tomorrow after being out with my tics all this time … and i dont even know what to really think about it … kinda scared… i want to look like im better but i don't want people to be like …wtf… i just don't know what to do… i want to go back becuase we need the money but i want to be better too… all I ever want is to be better.

Hello world!


over 12 years ago I started my Livejournal and made it private … it’s confessions of a girl in hiding… now… all these years later… I want my journal, but i want someone to know what I’m saying too. So… take a look, take it or leave it…

 

Kurt Cobain said it best:

 

If you read this — When you read this — —You will Judge
And if you Judge– —You can’t learn
Be open — —And you may

— Understand