Shit sandwitch…


Well, I’m at my wits end right now and i need to get out out or i think I’ll just loose it all over the place. I dont know what’s wrong with me! if its that I’m burned out … if its that i don’t care… I had my review yesterday and i got told I leave early too much and my attendance is bad… i know that im use to that …so I thought to myself that I’d say today is the day to make everything better… Today i got up with the mindset that today is the day my attendance improves and I will be a better employee, student and most of all WIFE to my handsome…

but i get there… and my period was last this month… a lot late 9 days … so it started sorta yesterday and i was wet but i came home after the full day and it was okay but i felt a little strange too thought it would go away in the morning but i got to work and about an hour in i got horrable pain all over my body so i thought i’ll just run up to the ladies room and see if I’ll be okay … well, nothing happened so i came back down but it started to get worse … i took an actual break at 10:15 … and told Riss when i got back with Bianca that I feel like hell and i really cant seem to eat anything and she said if i feel bad to go home … so i said I’m going to try to stick it out and it will be okay …

I started to feel worse and worse… so she tells Xtina and I’m all upset because i just got this long attendance talk and i had this goal for today to be a better everything so I;m just going to have to be be a better student and wife today and a better employee forever starting tomorrow … but i got so upset because i didn’t want to go home because i felt sick i wanted to force myself to stay… force myself to do it and then go home and just collapse and get on with the day. So another talk with xtina follows and she says it okay if i go home legit sick… and i told her im trying to make this better… she says that maybe i should just take some time off and she knows i need the money but maybe it would be better for all of us ..

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN… she said they love when I’m there… I’m a big help i do great… but this all needs to get under control… so I want to cry now because i feel like a failure because of it.

I dont want to loose my job, i dont know where i’d get another one at … i need to be there and i need to do better i know i can do better but i need to get a grip on my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m just starting to fall apart.

Cleo also died this morning… ive not talked too much about that in here because its been so hard for me to want to deal with… i guess should put a lot of pictures in here too of all the things i owe… thats the big thing for today though … I think im going to go lye down now and watch my guy sleep…


i worry about my bunny… i worry about him a lot … we talk … the other day he said sometimes he thinks I’m embarassed either of him or to be with him… i dont think so… but sometimes i know its hard for me and its hard for him too..i worry about him a lot … more lately than usual… i feel like something is wrong… i dont know what else could be wrong but its something else i worry about … i love him

i was looking at old pictures of us … they’re not that old but from the first Christmas party … I’m not superficial… but i am so worried….

i let my bunny sleep now…


I don’t know what happens to me when I close my eyes… i get nasty to my guy i get violent… it makes me scared to sleep near people. I had this problem in the dormitories too when i knew i was weird in my sleep and that i’d hurt someone.

I give him horable bruises

Tonight he came to bed at 5am and had to ask me if he could come… he was cold and so tired… and i felt sick about it… hes sleeping now… I’ve been up for a while.. I want to sit here and wait for him … i want to be in bed with him too because i know he’d want me there more…


my period is late … should have been here the 24th and today is not the 24th … i wonder whats going on … but… i cant be too concerned since things are late sometimes ….

the past few days have been really hard for me and make me really tired…


home for 5 minutes … then off to see everclear because they’re amazing … i cant believe they’re playing in Allentown! so we’re going to go to arby’s hopefully then over to the concert!!!

huzzah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i should have more to say about the retreat… it was good… i learned a lot that might someday be useful for me, so thats always a perk… i love learning .. but it was a very heart related class. and i added another one too for the fall Spiritual formation … so when im done with that I’ll have a certificate to be a spiritual director


the last thing i ever wanted to do was to keep my guy from seeing his family… the last thing i ever wanted to do was hurt him like this and i know we talked about it and i know i let out everything that needed to be let go but for the love of god i would do everything i could to be able to take him up there now and just make it all better….

I dont know if i want to post anymore … if i get back to this it will all be backdated … i ruined his vacation…

huzzah


Our bed gets delivered tomorrow between 4-8 … the bedroom furnature we can pick up next week… Went to see WALL-E again… its a great movie I just wish i could see it better…He got a new office chair too… a really, really nice one thats comfortable for him and i took his old one but got a table of my own … he wanted me to have it … but now i feel bad we have the other chair thats not getting used…

my father is an idiot … kept texting me all day asking if i was going to reply faster if i had a blackberry … i never replied instead of doing the right thing and saying I’m out wit my husband…

Once again Davis feels like i’m ashamed of him… I still cant blame him… He needs me to do the right thing…

I need to get him memory for his computer… i know nothing will make what i do better…