Thursday- Saturday and beyond


Thursday…

Thanksgiving… I saw the last of the living reletives today, it turned out really, really nice. There was even only a tiny bit of bullshit at the table, we all agree that Christine needs to get Voted off this island and patty needs to come back… but ken already had a kid with her, so that might not happen…Miss my uncle Ken… kinda sucks he went crazy…. But thats over…

The hypocondtiac was here, and my aunt the obiece one, her daughter the sick one (she was in the bathroom almost the whole time)… The Hunter and the fisher man, and my dad the shitty one, and me and my mom… But it was fun… I did dishes for my mom for 2 hours and she got to take a break, she deserved it. My mom is awesome…she did so much work and I’m glad that ellen helped and everything…

spent the rest of the night sitting around and eating… woo… nothing much there.. Talked to Davey R for a lot of the night… he asked me about living with my great uncle and what happened with him, and what my dream life would be… and a lot of deep and depressing questions… and he said I made him feel human for the first time in a long time… since Desemona (bitch) dumped him… I cried… I know I did… Davey is a sweety… He said he’d date me if we were closer … funny thing is I’d be to scared to go out with him anyway… I’m weak like that… I care about him a lot, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I feel like a leech on Saybia… god… I said that to him… well… I told him a lot of things.. he asked me if I had 5 minuts before I died what would I do… And I said I’d either ask to be told “Giovanni Fedilli” or hear “Silent Lucidity” and i’d tell my dad I’m sorry for not being what he wanted me to be… and tell my mom I love her… God.. I’m gonna cry again… I’m moving on…

Friday

Kinda forgot what happened on friday…There were two things though, and this was weird… I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but my dad hates me. The other ones, my sisters and brother… well, my sisters are beautiful. Long hair, tall, like size 2…. I’m shorter than they are by about 4 inches… and my hair is lighter and I’m small, but not like them… and Mark is the son, of COURSE he’ll be the favorite … but mike and I went out for breakfast at the town restaruant and if you live in clinton GET THE PEACH PANCAKES! they rock socks… and mike took me to the mall, but it sucked… because I didn’t get to do anything because he doesn’t like to be seen with me, or knows anything about me… Taco bell…. nothing like dead rat with some stuff on it… I don’t know I’m just being bitter as usual… it was weird being with my dad… he said to my mom later on that he was suprised when talking to me, he always treats me like I’m 2 years old… no wonder

went home… End friday…. * foot note… This is about day 15 of “I hate myself and want to die” time of the year*

Saturday

** just spent a lot of time playing Rocket mania to clear her head** Went to put of christmas Decorations… did a lot of that… yesterday was a real blue to me… I don’t remember most of what happened thoughout the day though…Just felt very, very long… Lot of fighting between my parents… some christmas decorating too… we were going to put outside lights up… but it was windy… Bah.. So.. the inside is almost done… and I have school soon, so I did my homework and stuff that I preteneded I didn’t have… Almost killed myself last night… I don’t know why I wanted to do it… I just felt so lonely so distant from everyone… I planned on doing it… and I sat there thinking about it and I talked to Saybia… I just hate being me sometimes… it’s like i’m a leech… and this is just going to be repeated when I get into today… but I just don’t want to hurt him anymore and I know that I am…I wanted to get away from it all and just go lye somewhere… and he just didn’t get frustrated with me… I don’t want to hurt him…anymore… I’ve done too much and I’ve done like.. nothing… everything I did back then we just because he needed someone there for him… but I mean… I don’t know…we talked for about 3 hours… after we stopped talking I passed out and dreamed of nothing… it was dark… and scary… well…lonely

Today

The dream of mine to sleep finally came true… my mom actually had to wake me up to get ready today… Went to church and got the music for the 12/14 concert at the church… I get to play clarinet and maybe oboe for one of the pieces …exciting… went to the dollar store and saw Jenna, love her, I’m gonna miss her later! went home… had my dad start yelling as usual, there is no such thing as a break when you live here…we have to go out and fight int he car… and I had my headphones on so loudly but you could still hear it… and it was all about my having to drive adn things like that… Lots of fighting… went with my mom to michaels..

we get home… felt like it was 4 days out… So.. mike feels the need to pull the car into the driveway in reverse! Because I can’t drive backwards. I can drive backwards just fine… so I go out with him … I hate going down by rt31… I always have … and I’m just obediant and I go where he tells me to do I got scared after him yelling at me and I never got to park and ew just fought the whole time…Had to take 31 anyway and I didn’t want to… tried to crash into a tree… but it didn’t work… can’t afford to loose another jeep now can I? …I wanted to know why he hates me, why he calls me Janet and not my real name. and he just syas to me that I need to pass this because he hates to schauffer me around and no one else will do it becuse my mother would’nt do it and once I get it he never will. he like… hates me and sys how much of a pian and a bother I am to him and I’m at my wits end and whenever I get nevevous I start to singing and I have the goo goo dolls on and he’s yelling at me to turn it down and turn it off and I learned to drive with the radio on… and I just got scared and I don’t know and when I got home I sat in the jeep after he yelled at me and cried and went inside and just told my mom and called the driving school and set up 2 hours of parking lessons and stuff …$200… but if I’ll pass my test thats all that matters…. I just want to get away from it all

the nights been long… my one arm hasn’t been working and if I fair one more hisotry test I might just fail the course… crap… I’m just stupid as a rock… god help me get out of HS alive… I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore… i can hardly use my right arm again..I hope it works out soon I’m going to the doctor sometime tomorow to get it checked…and to see if my allergies are just bad… but the shoulder too… I don’t even konw where I’m going for it… this sucks… but st nicks day is on the 6th thats the last thing to look foward for… even if I have to do 2 concerts that day…

so I’m going to bed… I feel lower than dirt…I felt like this yesterday but the physical pain is making it worse… and seeing Victor there and knowing something missing… I’m hoping to sleep… who knows…

ben folds said it best

“goodnight, goodnight sweet baby
the world has more for you
Than it seems, goodnight goodnight
let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams”
~Lullabye~

::End Transmission::

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Random saturday morning…


I probably should continue to elaborate on whatever the hell happened on Monday – Friday… not like anyone really cares…

went to the bonfire that night because it was a band thing, it was so much fun hanging out with the band and trying to play and not being able to see the keyboard or the music or anything! Rachel and Liz rock my socks! They really, really do. I’m gonna miss both of them so badly next year! my parents stayed for a while too… not Uber bad I guess… I wanted them to leave and not watch the pathetic thing! But they stayed for a little and let… but where there long enough to see Saybia and I joke a little bit and of course my dad has to get on uncle Vinny’s side about me faking things and it’s all a load of crap! But I stayed late there, hung out with Rosie and Ian and Chrissy and a bunch of other people that I like, they’re all so great… but by 8:30 I wanted to leave. Dave went to go find someone and I just randomly left everyone behind…

CLARA WHY DIDN’T YOU COME?!?!?!?!?!

Rosie and Ian walked with me back to the band room… Those guys rock, I told them I’d go by myself but they had nothing better to do…all of us kinda Vanished leaving Saybia doing stuff… My dad came and got me too, that was kinda cool, I really wanted to walk home and stuff… Talked to my dad. and that was all good…

got home and some randomness… got online to finish whatever and stuff… and I had the heartbreak moment of the night, Dave messages me thinking that this is funny “My family thinks you’re after me” HE THINKS THATS FUNNY! … why was I hurt by it?! Maybe because they don’t even allow us to see each other and think that there might be something?! I just wanted to cry! I was hurt and everything just crashed onto me… you know, maybe it’s a mutual thing, it takes two people to kiss fucker! and everything else… why is everything one sided with your shitty family!… I don’t get it… I don’t… why does everything always have to be my fault?! WHY WHY WHY?! You can be such a JERK!! Why don’t you ever say anything! Why does it always have to be me! … I just went out of it. He said he was sorry but for what?! He can be such a loser! Why do I always find losers?! He’s such a loser! such a jerk… I don’t know about this bastard!… I just get so mad at him for this stuff

I cried… he made me cry over this!!!..

WEDNESDAY

School… Band, Got my history test back that I failed, went to the senior breakfast, it wasn’t bad at all. I got to get food for free and it was pretty cool. I still kinda hate everyone inmy grade so I went back into the other room. hm…. I saw ms. Sperling because she’s leaving and stuff and I wantd to say goodbye, she’s worried about me because of the trips and everyone agreed to take me off the medication, so I’m done with it… That just means maybe I’ll be better without it. Everyone is blaming Saybia for all the trips …Everyone says that he’s causing me to feel this way all the time nad if he wasn’t doing this to me than I’d be better, Hell, I know they’re all probably right about him. They’re probably right about him and maybe I should listen to more of what they have to sya, Trips are caused by things, but he’s not the only one that can get me out of them, he’s just one of the more convienant wants to… but I can honestly say that I wasn’t in a full thing that dya, part of it was that I was so damn mad at him!

hmmm…I need to get away from this, I don’t want to loose him though because he’s like…my best friend and everything… he’s a great guy… but I mean… I don’t know… sometimes… *sighs*

Milkcan game was that night too! so much fun!!! We lost though, 16-14 VHS needs to get the can back every once and awhile! once ever 5-10 years *lol* I got a 2nd senior night too! yay. so much fun, got announced after the show and I loved it so much! Broke a mallett too! I had to get it fixxed with medical tape! haha. Went over to the VHS side and saw Artie and Joyce and Jeff and Danni and Katy, arties new girlfriend. It felt so weird to be around Katy and artie though, so I didn’t sata with them, Danni, me and a bunch of VHMB peopel went to the shack and over to the NHHS side to be sociable! So much fun with them, I’m supose to see artie, or I thought I was… so I’m probably not now since Katy came with him . He’s so sweet, she’s lucky to have him

Sitting — the post that took since 10am


Random rants again… just posting about my life and all the things I never seem to get to anymore… gonna start on monday… Guess thats because where it all began this week… no one has to read this, if you don’t like what I post about, just pass it up, ignore it and take me off your friends list … I don’t think anything can bother me anymore…

Monday
I made plans with my dad to go Visit U-Conn just to go see another school, college stuff is driving me crazy! I can’t wait until its over! It was a 3 hour and 40 minute drive up there according to Yahoo maps… and it turned out to be over 4 hours long… I don’t know… it wasn’t too bad driving iwth my dad all the way there… we weren’t fighting the whole time… and we looked over my History stuff when we stopped for a little bit… I’m really scared to tell him I failed that test… he’ll just kill me But we get up there 1/2 hour late for the tour but we didn’t miss it! yay… It’s a decent school I guess, I can say this stuff now but I couldn’t before… it is a really nice school… but it’s so not for me, all that they do there is sports, and I love sports and stuff but it’s too much, so what if they have the huskies and they’re the best in the country… okay, thats a huge deal and I think it’s cool…but it’s not something I’m into… So we walked around… the school is under major construction… like… major… all of the buildings are getting redon and some of them are getting the courses moved around… I don’t want to go to a school like that… I want to go somewhere I can actually learn about first than have it being all gutted and stuff once I know where I’m going… I feel so dumb for that… So we complete the tour… I never get to see any of the music stuff… dissapointing, the school was on thanksgiving break, so I couldn’t get in if I wanted to either… I just hated everything about it, the campus wasn’t wired for computers or anything, only one building was… they couldn’t tell me much about the music and when they did it was at the way far end of the tour and I just wanted to go home, so I got the bands website… I still haven’t looked at it… haha… I’m not going there anyway… I’m not applying either… so… my list of schools to apply for has gone down the drain… I have 2 now… I don’t think what I’ll do if I don’t get into a school… so.. it was 240mile drive home… Now.. for the fun stuff

  • Didn’t want to go the long way to get out of Conneticut… but mine made us go look at something anyway -.-;;; took longer
  • Saw a truck with its back tires all on fire! *lol* it was the coolest thing ever
  • Missed the Exit for hte NYS Thruway twice, Missed the exit for 87…twice… Missed the morrestown exit… twice
  • Left at 8am… got home at 8pm… never going back again

TUESDAY
Went to school… yeah… I know… big deal, Had to take a bunch of exams I missed, I know I failed the History one, well, I got it back already… but it was so hard and I studied! I don’t know why I suck so bad in that class… Got my makeup work… And went to classes… Saw Saybia in the morning. why the hell do I like that kid… But it gets better about him… the day gets better…

Had no band practice! made me day, my week…. wonderful thing now have to be out in the cold 3 times this week! .. So I hung out afterwards looking for Saybia… and John came too… he’s not a bad guy… but it was weird with him around, he’s distant so it makes it kinda hrd… we all ended up going to my locker and sitting around… Dave and I started play fighting and stuff, god that was fun *lol* just beating the crap out of each other, so normal… Hurts though… sometimes it gets a little too rough… Stole his CD player and he got on me about me. Picked me up and some stuff thats always fun. I’ve gotten useto being picked up and it was so much fun now, I just hate getting dropped, one of these days he’s going to break my tailbone or something *lol* So.. we sat bouncing this ball back and forth against the lockers and the cieling and stuff… that was cool too… it was something to do… I had to leave earlier that I wanted to though, I didn’t know who was staying after so I told my mom 3… and not like…3:30… she was pissed when I came out…

um… kissed Dave in the stairwell again… I don’t know… it just seems kinda weird… I don’t know whats up with the two of us, I hate the idea of friends with benefits, but there’s really… well, I don’t know how to make it literate… I just kinda… I just get really lonely anyway… Who knows… I don’t know what I think anymore when it comes to this…

went to the bonfire that night…

well, I’m gonna go to bed.. I thought I’d finish thing today… but… I guess I’m not… Wednesday sucked … bonfire… oooh…

Ol Ben lucas

hmmm


Contamplating if I want to hack my friends list down… After I did that annon comment thing I guess it’s best. So tell me if you want to stay on the list or want my annoyingness to go to hell… won’t bother me in the least

~*~Juliet Sojourner~*~

Cont


… so… I plan on finishing this post… finally… its totally taken long enough…

went to conneticut yesterday… went to go look at Ucon ….

I don’t have time to post again… and I can’t posttomorow… so… bonfire was cool… I’ll post something real later