Life in General


Today was very interesting to say the least. I enjoyed a lot of it… we had about 6 firedrills today, the system wasn’t working… so classes actually started at about 10:30 for me. it was great. I got to hang out in the front of the school with Whitesnake, ben, Amy, Liz … we just joked for the whole time and joked about pulling the alarm and shit … it was great… Missed all of AP theory and AP psych and most of Shakespeare…

I don’t feel like talking about how miserable I feel about my family… and how my mom thinks dave is either doing drugs or could fall into it because of the whip cream No2 thing…. now shes got me thinking about it and I just feel worse…I’m veen so close to crying this whole time… and I’ve been listening to “Sileny Lucidity” because it’s pretty and I like it and I just feel miserable too… I don’t even want to talk anymore… I feel like a puppet or a doll …easily used and cast aside when something better comes along…

I meant for this to be a long insiteful post about things… but I odn’t even want to talk about it anymore… good night

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Today


I need to do my defaults like this… it would be nice now wouldn’t it… Anyway… this is today, not a huge improvement over yesterday, but I feel like my own tolerance has gone up a true hell of a lot…

I passed out at 10:30 last night… I left the office early too… I didn’t want mike to see me, no bitching… kidna worried about when he comes up here…well.. he’s here now. My door is closed and my headphones are on… thats usually a sign that I want to be left alone…

I got up, took a shower in MY bathroom… that works for me, it’s just as good, just a little smaller as the one I useto use… I liked that one a lot though….anyway… I just snubbed him last night too, no talking at all… thats okay for me … went to school feeling like hell with this numbness behind my eyes and I just go and I hang out with the table people and when Dave came spent time with him he’s kind… can be an ass but he’s a sweet person… i felt safer around him, I don’t know… maybe protected is the word… I don’t knowwhy I do like that around him… I just do… But about my dad… that which was the topic of yesterday …

My mom let him have it last night and today and just told him how she always wanted to beat the shit out of his for being a shit to her all the time when he came to Visit, but she never did so how dare he lay a hand on her daughter… and how dare he go insane about those little things in that box, it’s not like they were all over the floor, it was in one little palce and it wasn’t a big deal… and how he’s no better than Jim and Arlene… she said it … it was wow… she said he didn’t say anything else…he’s been home for a while never spoke to me…. I hate feeling like this in my house… it sucks… I liked spending the afternoon with my mom though… she’s cool…

I don’t need food… I had stuff to eat… and I kinda want to go downstairs… but I really don’t think I should because I’ll have to face mike… and I don’t know how well I can do that…. I might post more later

You should Listen to this


Title: Midnight Lullaby
Artist: Tom Waits
Album: Closing Time

Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye
Hush-a bye my baby, no need to be crying.
You can burn the midnight oil with me as long as you will
Stare out at the moon upon the windowsill, and dream

Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye
Hush-a bye my baby, no need to be crying.
There’s dew drops on the window sill, gumdrops in your head
Slipping into dream land, you’re nodding your head, so dream…

Dream of West Virginia, or of the British Isles
Cause when you are dreaming, you see for miles and miles.
When you are much older, remember when we sat
At midnight on the windowsill, and had this little chat

And dream, come on and dream, come on and dream, and dream, and dream…


Title: Silent Lucidity
Artist: Queensryche
Album: Empire

Hush now, don’t you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over… or has it just begun?

There’s a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn’t realize it and you were scared
It’s a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I – will be watching over you
I – am gonna help you see it through
I – will protect you in the night
I – am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

{Visualize your dream}
{Record it in the present tense}
{Put it into a permanent form}
{If you persist in your efforts}
{You can achieve dream control}
{Dream control}
{How’s that then, better?}

{Hug me}

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but…

I – will be watching over you
I – am gonna help to see it through
Iwill protect you in the night
I – am smiling next to you…

Things


I have a bunch of shit to post… and I’m going to start at Thursday and work my way down to today because it just gets worse then better than worse as the days go by…

Thursday —

Had a history test… I knew I didn’t fail but I didn’t get an A either, that’s okay with me… Psych test too, it was dirt easy! All on things that we did with coloring… that guy sucks sometimes… he needs medication…

Mads too — we have a piece for the girls only and we sang it accapella with only one reading through, it’s really pretty. It was a Venetian orphanage piece, I like it a lot…. found out we might be going down south for a competition or something, yay… another chance for Victor and I to get together maybe even for a little bit…

We had the football game against Bridgewater Raritan Because of rashhashhanna… We even managed to put “Roxie” on the field, I did my part alright I think, I got to play a little on Brian’s bass when we were setting up too… that was cool. And we were winning until the end of the game… but that’s not why it started to suck… We went over to the other teams side to watch the show, and it was INCREADABLE… they’re a real work of art out there, and as we’re walking off to go take our 3rd quarter break there was only one way off the bleachers, so the fans lined both sides so only one person at a time could get through to go, so me and the percussion guys I was with took the cheaters way and snuck out under the stands, but as we got out and started teasing the rest of the battery for being stuck their fans started slapping the asses of our band members and cussing at them and a fight broke out, so we all had to go back to our side and didn’t get our break and everyone was disgusted, we almost left!!! So…we lost the game… went home… end of that

Friday —

Got my history test back C- not too bad considering I did it in 10 minutes, didn’t really give a shit and was expecting a D…. but hey! C- is a “respectable grade according to Schmidt, I’m not complaining, I got an F on the last one

Found out I have a psych test on Monday and a Brit Lit test on Monday too… well, nothing too hard for me to do, I like Brit Lit… but psych is a great class even though the teacher is just a nut case… I need to do well on it, I know I can…it just takes some work … me…. work … blah….

Did band music for over an hour while everyone else practiced during class… I have so much more to do but since I want to be a music major it’s a great job for me, I do wish I was getting paid though, it would be nice, since it is what I want to do… but its a lot of work to get more songs out and together and I had to make a lot of copies…but I gave the last bit to Vinny to do, made me happy… Dave came to see me too… we talked for a bit… things are weird between us and I’m trying to figure out what made it worse… I’m not in the mood to blame myself though… so he left at 2:45… my lesson was at 2:50… almost lost my camera bag… had to get the bass sent up and Vinny thought I was going to do the little clarinet and I’m not because I didn’t like it as much as my bass… I know I’m not… haha, but he’s being cool for once since I’m working so hard on the music, we’re going to do with Voice and instrumental for things… so I’ll get to learn audition pieces and work on my bass too… that’s cool…

Found out i was going to spend the next day with Colin in Flemington, yay.

Saturday —

Spent the whole afternoon with Colin and spent my morning watching cartoons like any normal kid/teenager should be doing. Even if it means getting up at 8!! *lol* Saw all the necessary things, X-men, Ninja turtles, Sonic X, YU-GI-OH (twice), Kirby, Static shock… the good stuff… and at 12 Colin came over and his dad drove us to Flemington, he got a flight suit and I got him a patch for it, Belated Birthday present, I had the cards from the ducky race to him so I just slipped it into the envelope for him. I was happy he was happy… so we walked around more, I got a comic book and we got caught in the downpour when we got to the outlets and ducked under a hotdog vendors roof, so we got lunch there and hung out in the rain more and got a few more things. We went back to my house for a little bit… mike drives like a maniac… we almost got into 2 accidents… got back to my house and played Sega… and my mom drove him home past 4… it was cool I guess, nothing like I’ve ever done with Dave He’s so respectful and polite and totally clean cut. it’s nice…. just sometimes spontaneity is something i need… Lisa thinks he’s good for me… I don’t need anyone that’s like that… I’m scared I think he’s boring…. I don’t want to… I mean, I’d like to really like him but i don’t know what’s wrong with me… and after shit with my family…I don’t want him to think we’re nuts…

and speaking of spontaneous… Dave called me and randomly appeared at my house because he had to give Rob money for Whip cream or something so he could get high… so we just stood in front of my house and bullshat for a while, and Rob came and we stood at the road waiting for him… it was funny… Spunky was waiting beside me because he thought I was in danger, he wouldn’t leave at all and it was annoying, but also odd Dave didn’t do the business with Rob anywhere near where I was… I kinda wonder sometimes…I don’t know… I just don’t trust anymore… so Julia called and we totally going nuts on him like he’s going to kill himself or something, for gods’ sake chill out already, we played this game once and he’s on medication… so he went home… I go back in… end of Saturday… now… here’s where it gets bad…

Saturday night – Sunday —

Thunderstorm… I went to sleep at midnight and had to get back up at 1:30-1:45 because spunky was clawing at my head…. I was up the rest of the night watching food network in the living room with my mom… so.. I did go back to my room in the sunlight morning and listened to a few CDs….and came down…went to church and came back and mike has the yardstick in his hand and all he does is point to the ceiling to where the Office is… “clean it up — I want it all out” … not a good morning… not how are you…the only thing he says to me is that … so I’m all pissed off… and I storm upstairs and when I’m out of earshot I start cussing him out under my breath… and he comes up and I turned the computer on anyway.. he punishes me by saying not to turn it on… so I hear him coming, i just dumped all the crap in my room… and he has to inspect everything like I’m 2 years old because he never trusts me but he can trust his liar of a son….I can tell all hell is breaking loose downstairs… my mom and him are fighting over a remote…he comes up… we get into another shooting match… he’s screaming at me to move my sega box that’s in front of the TV… it’s a plastic see through box that has cables and controllers in it and its sitting in front of the TV…so he flips out, I don’t want to move it, there’s no reason to move it, so he threatens to unplug it, I don’t care, go for it asshole… I’m not moving… so he rips the sega plug out of the wall then the computer and truly RIPS my sega off of the TV yanking all of the cords out with no consideration for his new TV… Slams it into the plastic case and breaks it… and slammed my Saturn so hard the lid broke open!!! And probably broke my Shenmue Videogame… I had to save for weeks to get that!!! Even at the used price it was so expensive!!!! And he’s got that god-dammed yardstick!!! so we keep screaming… everyone even outside can hear it… he hits me with the yard stick, and won’t let me tell him that I’m going to re-arrange it so the box wont be there…my mom comes up to try to get it all to calm down and I try to stop it but it’s so too late… So he takes it and leaves the room , well, he goes into the master bedroom… it’s the same room…because I’m not going to move it, and I stopped yelling before this telling him to give it to me and knock it off…he’s got his yardstick in the one hand… and he kicks me with the free leg… And then he tells me to get out of his house.. he never wants me to come back… and I said Fine… so I grabbed my bag and I left… and he’s storming away I just leave… He chases me out into the driveway… I wanted it to be over when I left… no, he wants HIS cell phone back, it’s MINE! my mother bought it for me… I told him to go to hell, and I’m tired of only being told to clean up the office, I’d love to hold a real conversation with him for once and stop the god damned bitching… he said he can never do that with me… I’m a pig… and he never listen… i just started walking… and I kept going… towards 31 south…

I have no place to go… no one to go to…so I’m kinda on my own right now… I have no money.. .all I have is a cell phone…and the battery isn’t even full… and my mom comes out… she has spunky with her in the car… that dog was so scared he was shaking… she came to get me… and she told mike if he didn’t nock it off with the yard stick she’d shove it up his ass…We drove to Southgate… walked the dog around and talked for a while… and she took him home… and she drove me to P-burg… went to Panera bread trying to get my mind off all of it… and we walked around for a while… a long time.. got some stuff for Isabella… I think I cried the whole way to P-burg… and we got chocolate… and a coffee mug for Mr. Reed cause his is REVOLTING…

went to the food store… got some stuff… came home… went out again… got dinner, Mac & Cheese and stuffed clams … I was forced to eat with the family… then I went to hide myself back up here… I don’t want to go back down until the last walk when I’ll bring things down, and I’ll be out before he’s in here…

I’m going to end this post… I’m miserable… I don’t want to drag this on any more people than I have to… but getting it out was something I had to do…

~*~ Good song quotes~*~

“goodnight, good night sweet baby
The world has more for you
than it seems
goodnight, good night
Let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams”

“saw you last night,
Dance by the light of the moon
Saw you last night,
Stars in your eyes
Smiled in my room”

“Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye
Hush-a bye my baby, no need to be crying.
You can burn the midnight oil with me
as long as you will
Stare out at the moon
Upon the windowsill, and dream…”

“I admit that I ain’t no angel
I admit that I ain’t no saint
I am selfish and I’m cruel
But you’re blind
If I exercise my devils
Well, my angels may leave too
And when they leave they are so hard
To find…


It was okay I guess… we got caught in the rain and walked around and stuff… Just walked around flemington… I don’t know…it feels okay… but it’s just not all that much fun… well… I mean… it is fun… but it’s not really the greatist … its hard to explain becauyse he’s so much more restrictive, so much calmer… so much more everything… you know? It’s not like I can just start talking about music I like… or something stupid I mean, even Videogames have to be calm… and I know I’m the one that needs to be toned down…but I mean, just walking around and not doing anything that could even look like anything is just …. it’s not me I mean… it’s not like I don’t really like him… I just have to be totally clean and PC around him and I just feel like I’m scared I’m going to give the wrong impression or something…It’s nice… but I think he has the feeling that we’re going to do something and he’ll get bagged, I don’t know…..he just seemed a little weird…I just wish I had an idea of what he was thinking maybe I’m not made for this kind of thing! I don’t know what I’m going to do…I mean, I don’t want to break his heart by doing something stupid or anything, It’s like I care about him as a great guy. but as for a relationship I just feel like after everything thats happened I don’t want to get stuck with someone because i’m even more worried about getting hurt… but I want him to be happy too! I know I won’t really find out an answer unless I wait and see, but I don’t think I have enough patients to that I’d like to hold hands with someone… it’s like I can’t touch him because he won’t know what to do about it and I’m scared of his parents hating me… It was good today in flemington though, we walked all over…. there was some talking about stuff… but it wasn’t anything really meaningful to me, it was just crap… he got some stuff and I got a bunch of little things… and we got soaked trying to get to liberty village…so yeah… thus went the rest of the day really..played Saturne and stuff…. he’s square… I’m wondering what would happen if we take a bus with lockart somewhere… and we have to sit with someone, because i know I’d want to sit with you if you wanted to with me, but I don’t want to feel obligated to someone anymore…. *feels very messed up talking to Lisa and it really, really isn’t helping*

i have most to post… but I don’t want to right now sorry if thats all backwards