that seems to be a good way for me to start this entry today… i feel like a bad girl for not posting as much as i would like too… but things have been …. um… i cant blame this on anyone but me. I have been a tad bit burned out. things at the gradschool are going well but not like i’d want them to go. I still finish up next year and there seems to be no doctoral program on the horizon.
there are worse things
I dont understand where all of my disappointment comes from… i always wanted these fancy degrees for the wrong reasons. I wanted them to try to separate myself from my family by being the only one with a real good education and then be able to do something with it. something amazing with it that would make me feel like i finally mattered for something. not just as the pain in the butt that i always have been but as a somebody. I wanted to be a somebody.
how silly is that, i always have been somebody… i just wanted recognition. that’s not humble that’s prideful and that’s so wrong. its been hard for me to get over this part of me, that wanted that glory for something that i guess doesn’t matter in the eyes of anyone else. For my whole life i was told that i was a show off… and that i say the wrong things.
i did it again last night — Xamp was upset with me — i felt like a bad person i was so excited that he came that i said something wrong… oh! last night was the MTS interseminary seminar thanksgiving dinner. 80 members of 6 seminary came together to eat and celebrate… and my guy did something a bit risky to be able to come but he did and i told people that he did… like the idiot that i am.
wow this post isn’t seeming to get any better is it???? its just getting more and more terrible for anyone who decides to read this. i just feel lost lately… lost and burned out. i thought getting my PH.D would be my way out of this place… i am so tired of being poor… i am so tired of money and so tired of stress… i am so tired of feeling like i don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills.. i am so tired of bill collectors calling me…
and when i graduate in may… unless i have another school to go to there wont be any more student lone refund checks. yes i know that has to get paid back too… but gods… that helped so much. they helped so much. we couldn’t even afford to buy a bed or a mattress before i got to this school and we got that first check! we got A BED! a real bed made out of wood and a mattress and a box spring! i never had a box spring before! and we never would have been able to get so many other things that we needed without that money… i just hate that its gone and all i feel like i have right now is a cup of broken educational dreams.
i work in a food store!!!!! i work in a food store and i have all this fancy education but i cant get a job that pays my bills… i know im going to have to try to take a 2nd job over the summer… maybe where Xamp works will hire me and then i can work 3 days there and 4 days here… that would be so nice if i could get 30 hours at my food job and maybe 20 or so at his. i dont know if i’d ever get to see any of my friends or family ever again doing that.. but… it would help us so much..
i even though about asking the Cauldron of Hope to try to help me with my tuition payment to sacred mists but i dont know if im involved enough or even here long enough to qualify. I’m just worried that with the money that Xamp and i have to pay to be here we wont be able to have thanksgiving. there are people with real problems, real issues, real everything and we’re just stuck for the moment and trapped in a place that is my fault that we’re in if i could just be better with money if i could just have not gotten us so far behind and it was an accident!!! i just wanted to get Xamp something nice and we’re so trapped now…
i just had so many hopes and dreams for this year. like my husband finding a car that he can drive so we dont have to share anymore … not having to worry about bill collectors or getting evicted…
i think i just am tired…that has to be it … I’m just very, very tired. i’ll snap out of this soon and i’ll get rid of this post and i wont be so tired.