going to hell

we…Ariana called me tonight, and i was hoping it was going to be Sabrina… so i answered it and when Davis asked who it was on the phone i said Brina and… well… it was jenny and her feelings were a bit hurt .. i said it was because they have similar phone numbers, when really… Ariana is in Texas and Sabrina is in North Carolina

i didn’t want to talk to Ariana anyway… shes a decent friend sometimes, but not consistently. its just been so much crap lately and i never get a word in edgewise. I’ve had words with her about this because it makes me feel bad.

well, so what!

I think im going to have to tell Brina this one… its kinda funny at least to my twisted mind

its too early to be awake for another 12 hours

that seems to be a good way for me to start this entry today… i feel like a bad girl for not posting as much as i would like too… but things have been …. um… i cant blame this on anyone but me. I have been a tad bit burned out. things at the gradschool are going well but not like i’d want them to go. I still finish up next year and there seems to be no doctoral program on the horizon.

there are worse things

I dont understand where all of my disappointment comes from… i always wanted these fancy degrees for the wrong reasons. I wanted them to try to separate myself from my family by being the only one with a real good education and then be able to do something with it. something amazing with it that would make me feel like i finally mattered for something. not just as the pain in the butt that i always have been but as a somebody. I wanted to be a somebody.

how silly is that, i always have been somebody… i just wanted recognition. that’s not humble that’s prideful and that’s so wrong. its been hard for me to get over this part of me, that wanted that glory for something that i guess doesn’t matter in the eyes of anyone else. For my whole life i was told that i was a show off… and that i say the wrong things.

i did it again last night — Xamp was upset with me — i felt like a bad person i was so excited that he came that i said something wrong… oh! last night was the MTS interseminary seminar thanksgiving dinner. 80 members of 6 seminary came together to eat and celebrate… and my guy did something a bit risky to be able to come but he did and i told people that he did… like the idiot that i am.

wow this post isn’t seeming to get any better is it???? its just getting more and more terrible for anyone who decides to read this. i just feel lost lately… lost and burned out. i thought getting my PH.D would be my way out of this place… i am so tired of being poor… i am so tired of money and so tired of stress… i am so tired of feeling like i don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills.. i am so tired of bill collectors calling me…

and when i graduate in may… unless i have another school to go to there wont be any more student lone refund checks. yes i know that has to get paid back too… but gods… that helped so much. they helped so much. we couldn’t even afford to buy a bed or a mattress before i got to this school and we got that first check! we got A BED! a real bed made out of wood and a mattress and a box spring! i never had a box spring before! and we never would have been able to get so many other things that we needed without that money… i just hate that its gone and all i feel like i have right now is a cup of broken educational dreams.

i work in a food store!!!!! i work in a food store and i have all this fancy education but i cant get a job that pays my bills… i know im going to have to try to take a 2nd job over the summer… maybe where Xamp works will hire me and then i can work 3 days there and 4 days here… that would be so nice if i could get 30 hours at my food job and maybe 20 or so at his. i dont know if i’d ever get to see any of my friends or family ever again doing that.. but… it would help us so much..

i even though about asking the Cauldron of Hope to try to help me with my tuition payment to sacred mists but i dont know if im involved enough or even here long enough to qualify. I’m just worried that with the money that Xamp and i have to pay to be here we wont be able to have thanksgiving. there are people with real problems, real issues, real everything and we’re just stuck for the moment and trapped in a place that is my fault that we’re in if i could just be better with money if i could just have not gotten us so far behind and it was an accident!!! i just wanted to get Xamp something nice and we’re so trapped now…

i just had so many hopes and dreams for this year. like my husband finding a car that he can drive so we dont have to share anymore … not having to worry about bill collectors or getting evicted…

i think i just am tired…that has to be it … I’m just very, very tired. i’ll snap out of this soon and i’ll get rid of this post and i wont be so tired.


I don’t like not seeing MY hygienist but my job is full of assholes. i argued with this one and she hurt my teeth and didn’t listen or read my chart. i will never see her again. I had a good day with my mom though. we baked and went to pancheros and went on a walk and talked about my Xamp so it was good.

we had shanks for dinner too, i miss eating them more. and a mexican caserol came home with me so i warmed that up for when my guy got home

now im going to bed because i am so tired and i have class tomorrow and we have to go to some greek church. at least my car is clean… i did that this morning

oh, and i had to get my leaking tire filled and i got the cute guys at the body shop to do it …

my dad is getting me new tires for my birthday (ew)

bed time


I … who did know today is Vets day, and has no excuse for her stupidity … went to the post office to mail my welcome to the world present for little Mr.Tiberius when i got heckled by two nasty old men who like to bother me  EVERY TIME i go over to west side to mail anything… it gets old… but i liked that post office. so today when they went to bother me i was on the phone with Ariana… and i just told them off in Arabic. That felt good. but i have to remember to go back to the post tomorrow to get that in the mail. its important to me i do soon. I had one other thing planned but I’ve not gotten to do it yet. well… its always a fun thing that i could do if i get around to it

also have a ton of other things to do that i didn’t get to today, but that’s just fine because i did have a few good things today. I went to the mall to get something for my father and i found something for Davis too, for Christmas and for just everyday… oh… and a  new book that my friends at school have been reading. I’m part of a group… but that book is "What to expect before you’re expecting" … i know that this book doesn’t mean that we’re getting anywhere… we have a lot of problems and a lot of work to do.

I guess with everyone having babies and so many other things going on lately I’m back to being frustrated in a more motavated way. I’ve said this before. I really shouldn’t say it anymore…i need to just do it and its so hard but i’m looking forward to this now too. now that the treatments we’ve started are working and i can feel and see results! I really, really needed that! 

so i have my presentation tomorrow in Spiritual formation … and my first meeting with the new spiritual director… i hope i dont start missing the old one too much even though it was different than what i think it was suppose to be. thats at 11…. then class 1-4 and presentation in there somewhere… so i have to get that totally finished tonight. something like that! whatever it wil lall get done eventually! 

i guess i’ll write a few more words … but need to do a few other things around the house first… and medicine when gets home.

this i think has been my first real entry in a long time … felt good.

::end transmission::

we had another followup today with the doctor about our problem and we actually had some progress… I’m so happy about that and i don’t know i even have the world. he has an assignment for me and that’s to think about what kinds of pain he wants to help me treat. i don’t know what to say about it. I never know how much pain I’m actually in.knows how it hurts but its weird for me to try to think of pain like that.

but theappointment was short… only 30 minutes and we ruled out the one kind of nerve pain, i dont have a nerve problem. that made me so happy today too.

work was ok today, a hell of a lot better than yesterday… but roslyn is a moron and wanted to know if i would work black friday… i was like …. why? and shes telling me that i dont work Fridays i work a lot of Fridays. my availability is Friday… but i typicallu work that whole week and Friday is my day off… we have no business then either… so i told her what the seminaries schedule is and she didnt believe me … and she has to check with her freshman daughter at the college

shut the hell up

i left early