I want her so bad!!!

I spent the whole evening with Margie, her little girls, and a few other friends for her birthday and I got to visit MY KITTEN!!!I'm the only one she's giving one of the babies too… I just hope Davis will truly let me have her. I want her so badly… I really just want some company for when he's not home… I love the skees but i miss having something soft and fuzzy …and i've always wanted a kitten so bad. I really should have done the wash today but I'm so happy to have gotten out and just had some fun…

and I forgot my damn jacket!!!

oh, but we had vegan sushi and something with soba noodles and it was so good… and played N64 007 games and I spent all the time with Rosie and it made me want a baby even more


They call her cow, I call her copper. She's a month old today!!!

Sorry for myself.

My mom said that I look fat… my hair is thinning and she cant believe that I actually photoshop myself. but i really need a haircut… so… she said I should go treat myself to something and like … feel like a girl because i let myself go. THIS IS THE WORST HAIRCUT EVER… I've had such a panic attack over it i cant stop sobbing… I called and they said they'll fix it on thursday… but its not getting here soon enough

a painted kitchen and a panic attack… i

today it snowed… yeah… seriously… and somehow that made me freak out and xled my dentist appointment… like im really going to drive an hour north in the snow for a consult… kiss my duff. they're nice though and they thought it was ok that i didnt want to come then… its all about not being stressed up there… and me with the stress issues… yeah… makes sense… so i go in april now…

…and i ate like 2lbs of jelly beans tonight and i feel reall sick, so much for trying to cut back on the junk and the sugar, right? haha… easter candy FTW…

and i had an appointment with Beth today…I really dont think i like her … at all… or any of these people anymore, they're not helping me … we talked about the usual stuff and i tried to tell her about some of the things i have going on … she doesn't know if SNAP is going to help us now because my UC came through…i hope it will anyway… and she wants me to try CBIT again.. thats what Penn recommended… im not going to do that… i dont have insurance right now anyway,,, so even more than my visseral reaction to more doctors and more treatments and blah blah blah … .i just dont think that would help me …i think im too old for that anyway,,, too set in my ways and i just know my tics too well and what i need to do to get around them…but i think it would jsut make new tics and more OCD

…speaking of OCD… mine is out of control today… i had to pop 5mgs of valium once we got home from the food store… it was like… everyting was overwhelming for me … and thinks that the whole coupon thing for me is a bad idea…. very bad… becuse i get so focused on that he feels like he cant get anything else … i never said that… but im trying to be on on a budget and trying to save money adn then all this other stuff is going in the cart and then hes on the wrong side of my body … and hes not getting the stuff thats on sale … and im trying to make it so we're not broke…but he said its not fun to go with me places when i get so much like that… and its hard for me … so we get to the checkout and im trying to put the things on the belt and he just keeps on tweaking me and tweaking me and tweaking me …he said he was trying to help but it just was overwhelmign me even more… the items weren't level and they werent seperated right … and then things werent in the right lines ….amd he just kept tweaking me than ithe total got higher than i thought it was going to be so hes tying to make it better for me but we only had like …$730 for get us through the next few weeks and i had so many plans and now none of its going to happen because i got paint…

oh wait, i got paint… thats important to me …i painted almost the whole iten today and i can finish it tomorrow … its not that disgusting blue anymore!!!! its beautiful clean white with white borders … they're the shink white too … i just love how clean it looks .. i didnt fix a lot of the holes and things but i did make it so nicely … next is to finish up finishing the bathroom so its perfect and crisp and clean too … i cant wait to be DONE…. done done done done done!!!!!!! i have so much to do tomorrow… but for now… its time to try to get some sleep… i have a good book…. and im snuggly in bed already with my favorite person next to me …

even if my feelings are still hurt and im still upset about a bunch of things… oh, and im still trying to get this house kitten proof for when i get my baby!!!! 🙂 i am so excited about that too and to have a little fuzzy friend of my own!!!


I wanted to try to call top gear to see if there was a way i could write a letter to get Hammonds autograph… and I went and got a phonecard nad everything… and then i found out that my phone provider doesn't allow me to call international … and there's no way for me to do it. and I sobbed my eyes out for like an hour … how stupid am I. I've never asked for anyones autograph before and it's not like they'd let me talk to him… i'm so fucking stupid… I just… I just should try to write a letter and i know i wont hear back, but i can understand and accept that… but i wanted to feel stupid over the phone instead of in writing 😦


..it was strange being back knowing that mary wont be here anymore in less than a month… but it was nice to be at ritual … even if I was in my wheelchair most of the time. She told me one of the women who owns a shop down the road also has TS but she's about 70 and she doesn't like to talk about it at all..

I can't wait for my birthday tomorrow. I can't wait to see my mom and just have a good birthday. I'm really sad that we have no money to do anything but i know we'll get a chance later… it's just sad to me… Mary and I were joknig during ritual about my tics and my TS and it just felt so natural… I really want to do something nice for her… maybe a little housewarming something for when she goes to california… I have a few days to think about it

i should try to get some rest. I'm tired and sooooooo excited.