A book was found today at the bottom of a box… it was a book of memories my grammy did for me when I was a little girl…

it’s all about her and all about my mom….. I wish they didn’t die… I’d love to be able to talk to my mommy about all of these things but she’s been gone for years now..

so I’m sitting here on my floor as always crying my eyes out… because i miss my mom and dad… and my grammy… and lindy……..a lot…a whole lot

I feel like a drama queen

You only know about a person what they tell you… and i’ve told a lot of whoppers in my short life to hide the things I don’t want to deal with… and I’m noot good with confrontantion or honesty to some people. But after last night I’m just tired. I’m tired of being me and i’m tired of existing this way.

…more later

over the last few days i’ve been mysteriously forgetting my medicaiton…one pill here, part of one there …i’ll stop today. It says it will put me into a coma and thats it. it sounds like a quiet way to go once the last of its out of my system…

….i never should have gotten involved, i never should have gotten in this far… how could i have ever gotten in this far

i think i want to die… and i cant say anything more about it other than i want to die…. and if i do…. then its okay….its really… really okay….i just cant deal with any of this anymore and its all my fault….and i just cant do it anymore

Xamp came to the contra and we danced 2 together!!!! I think someday he  might be a regular contra dancer! (okay, thats pushing it but at least he’ll come)

…I just wish he’d dance with other people too

more later. even about the finger

I wish I could backdate in this… I own this thing but it won’t let me…so i have more to say that I couldn’t in my opening.

I work at a Dunkin Donuts and yesterday at work i was having a bad dystonia day and i was trying to keep it to myself. My manager was sick and throwing up and I was trying to do everything myself for the first hour. But as the day went on my hand was starting to shake like it always does when my medication was late. The sharp knife fell and sliced my finger open.

they made me stay for 3 hours and not take my pills because of my bleeding (whatever) I had to eventually go to the hospital and try to get stiches but i knew i’d never be able to hold still long enough for them to put in.

I live with a woman named Janet… She’s my “mother” She came to the hospital with me and yelled at me telling me that i am abusive and cruel to her because I didn’t want her to tell me not to look and i didn’t want her to doubt my desisions of what I wanted.

She told me that I am a waste of space, Impossiable and rediculous. She told me I’m faking my problems and stormed out… I got steri-strips instead of stiches because i knew i wouldn’t be able to deal with the stiches and hold my body still long enough to get it.

I hate having dystonia… if my arms wouldn’t shake and get so rigid i would have been able to do it…

Beautiful day

Lemme start Saturday

I GOT MY RED BELT! The ranking testing was saturday at 1pm …we had class the night before nad i went and got both of my stripes. Helena didn’t think i’d get them. She’s this bitchy girl that everyone likes to hit because she has a total attitude problem. but i got both of my stripes. The testing was at CHRHS and there were a lot of kids testing and 5 adults. We did great but it took 3 hours to get through the whole thing. my father made me cry at the testing too because of the scouts and money and Davis and i just wanted to die becuse of it… he doesn’t get it.,.. he just doesn’t get it