RIP Alexander … ?/?/02 – 3/28/08

                for the past 3 years I’ve had two gerbils… Alexander and Sebastian, when I went to the pet store to get them they were up for adoption and I took home Alex first, and after Davis and I talked I went back and got the other the next day, we think they were two years old when I got them because they were full sized and stubborn as the day is long. So I loved them to death, they were my little loves and the first pets that were really mine… I had hermit crabs when I first got to college but my roommate killed them on me because she was evil like that … but these two little guys were my babies and I adored them… Davis had gerbils a lot before he moved down here to be with me, he would breed them. It was nice because I got to learn all of these things about them from him so I became a better gerbil mommy. So we had them… and they came to my mothers with me when I went home for a visit on Christmas and they’re good little boys, even though they never could be put with the other gerbils. We had gerbils that had babies last September too… But the mother died and I was heartbroken because I was worried about the little ones, but because of unsalted matzo and peanut butter laced with Enfamil they made it through to be adorable little standards. So Alex and Bastion were inseparable, completely inseparable and no matter what we tried they would not be socialized to other gerbils… and we got a lot of them to try it and all they did was traumatize the new ones and they went back to the pet shop and we kept my boys. Last night I went into our cellar to get something and found them running around… we caught them really quick, Alex went right to my Davis and everything seemed fine until somehow Alex got away from him and went falling to the concrete floor… oh the look on Davis’ face was horrible… he got him up so quickly but the little one we know had a concussion and started to have seizures. Bastian was put back into the tank just fine… but you could tell he knew something was more than not right about Alex. My little guy went into shock and we did all we could to help him get through the night, I stayed up with him until almost 4, I was doing homework too but I kept checking in on him… He lost feeling in his lower half of his body and I just was heartbroken over it. I did everything I could for him today too, so did Davis but in the end it just wasn’t enough and my poor little Midnight Alexander passed on at 8:58pm. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in a long time, Alex was my little love he was my baby and I love him and I always will. What makes me more sad is that Bastian is now all alone, he can’t be put with anyone else because he will hurt them, he’s done it before. I keep looking over at him and seeing how he’s made this bundle of all the fluff where Alex was and is all snuggled up in it. So I’m sitting shiv’ha or at least a witch form of shiv’ah.  There are a few prayers witches even say when someone dies… a lot of people I don’t think know that witches pray too. It’s not all about spell casting and nonsense like that, but there is a deep side to it that seems to be forgotten about, I know it’s not intentional… but we have mourning rituals too. Many Witches believe in a place called the Summerland, this is the place the soul goes before its reincarnated. Summerland is explained as a place that’s very beautiful and peaceful full of rolling green hills and lots of grass… just a beautiful, beautiful place to rest before its time to start on the wheel of life again. It’s believed when its time to go there you can reflect on your life and see if the lesions that were needed to learn were done and then try again…we meet our loved ones there too. So part of me is very sad tonight because I lost my little gerbil baby, and I understand that death is just another beginning, not just the end of something… it’s sometimes hard to picture leaving as someway to get to someplace better… I try to think that he’s going to come back again as something else and we’ll get to meet again someday…. But until I’m ready to accept that I think I’m just going to cry, we’re going to bury him tomorrow in the park because I think he’s going to like it there.

Oh Goddess
There is great sadness
A cherished one has gone

Emptyness engulfs me
Loss languishes within
Help me bear this grief

Accompany their spirit
Comfort we who grieve
Let us rejoice in their life

May their essence be recorded
In the Great Book of Shadows
Renew our rememberance with joy


I’m worried about my bunny

im worried about my guy and his stress… i have a confession … i would rather us get new cloths and we did the other day and we did … than me have to do laundry yet … and i didnt get out of class and out of the store soon enough to do it tonight …he gets home at 10:30 tonight … i love him… les sighs… but hes … well, hes my guy and i want to make tihngs better and i have all the power to do it 

blessed ostara

someday i will stop having selective hearing … until then i sit at my computer and play on SL hoping for ritual on there… but its at midnight and i have to be at work at 5 ………

i want to cry … He said we could go but his head hurts so bad it would be cruel… but i really wanted to go … i just hate hearing that its always what i want to do and always my rules …

Neuro Neuro Neuro….

has my check up today … it was really good i love the new office its so big and open… not to mention sooo much easier to get to! the only problem is that when i got there i didn’t know the elevator opens off onto the main waiting room floor and i was on my cell phone. Soooo embarassed! i got in and since it was the first day in the new building the wait was really long… i was in my little exam room at 11 (my apt time) and didn’t get seen until almost 12:30 … I felt a little woozy while i was there but i dont know what was causing it… i think its that I’m reading a book on a holocaust. I really, really thought i was going to loose whatever i ate….

well…. i got in there and we talked a lot about how i was doing and what was going on with that last shoulder tic and he gave me adavan for it… i dont know if im going to fill it or not… Davis and I really are talking about a baby and i want to get off all of the drugs if we are and the side effects for this one worry me. I know i should call my doctor again and talk more about it. we covered a lot of ground with the progression … I just wish my Davis could have come but he was DSOD and had to work … poor thing…

saw emily too for a few minutes today and we went to get something since it was in the same direction

we ended up at ruby tuesday … well i got lost and called him because i got about home when he was getting out of work and since i was lost anyway trying to find another thing for my bunnys easter basket we met half way…i took the highway to my neuro and hes about 30 miles away from where we live, i had no idea!

anyway… lunch was good… i still feel funny and unsettled …

im getting tired of crying but there isn’t too much more for me to be doing, im getting tired of being told its always my rules and my game that he has been forced to play since the very beginning. I don’t want to play games anymore, i dont want to be part of this life anymore. i don’t want to be here anymore in a place that i am told i have all the control but the idea of it makes me sick to my core. he is suffering… He doesn’t sleep he always has headaches and its because of my game and my rules

I dont want to make rules, i only want the ones given to me
I dont want to make a game, i only want to play the one given to me
i don’t want to make desisions, i just want them to be given to me

There is no more happy… He tells me i need to get the addresses for my family but i cant get them, i cannot ask them for those addresses because somehow to me i guess its admitting defeat. It shows that I am no better than the trash i came from. My mother is humiliated of the desisions ive made with my life no matter how good of a student i am that isnt all there is to life. I know that he says its my game ot play and the control makes no sense to him about why it is like that… it is perfectally clear to me who makes my desions. She will be so hurt that ive made this choice … but its not what i thought would happen with my life, its not how i inticipated what was going to happen… i feel like talk and talk but it is all hopeless because my words are

for once my icon is not a lie!

i hate doing laundry … but Davis was sick all week and i need to get our bedding clean so i don’t get it, not like it matters. He was teasing me last night about it… we do everything together why wouldn’t i have gotten it by now if i was … *knock on a processed wood product* Last night we watched cars and i kinda slept through it… talked to brittney too, shes the one having the baby

she said i was nuts for marrying someone so much older than me, i gave her hell back about that one because her idiot 26 year old fiancee was out drinking with his buddies and shes about to give birth, she wants to know why dont i want to be young and do all of those things, i have my whole life ahead of me. I had trouble explaining to her that this is what i want. I know for the longest time i was the girl who was NEVER getting married, never having kids just forever single because thats i think how my mom wanted me to be. I was going to just play with my mom forever. But the funny thing is, i like being married… i like doing the house squirrel stuff… i mean, not enough to do it as all i do forever…. but i dont mind a lot of the things i have to do that are adult like things

so i hate doing laundry, its more that i hate having to do it at this laundry, i dont mind doing a lot of things like this… i said that already. I dont see how im wasting my youth …. i really fee like ive been old for a long time at this point… not physically but mentally older and it drives me crazy sometimes but the rest of the time i dont really mind all that much. even if i do think it will take 48 minutes for the damn blankets to dry today…..

so i did a little bit of my homework for once, i have to get a book review done for a book i never read.. well, i did part of it but i need to get that done when i get home too and im not sure i have that book with me. no wait I do! off to finish that so i get credit for the class!

well well well…

what a day but the great thing is im graduating again! somehow the school waved my requirement because of my brilliance in my feild along with the fact that im so profoundly disabled there is nothing more than can be done for me. I have to call about taking my CLEP test asap and im going to take it in american history so i get the one stupid credit that i need and then im totally free!!!

more on this later, im just so excited it even made work suck less!!!!