Just riding the waves of sensation

once again Davis nad I were talking… we always talk. it’s just something that happens and as usual; there are a lot of those damned text messages going back and forth. This is after I called him when i got out of class and forgot that he had my devit card

he said I sounded sad, that made him sad…so hes in an odd mood. and he says that he loves me but there are a few things he wishes he could change about me

No, this news isn’t ground breaking. .. no, its not like I’ve not heard this before and its not like hes asking for a lot from me… I’m just getting tired of being told to change. I’m just getting tired of being sadi that there are things about me that would like to be just tweaked a little bit to be better and to be the person he knows I can be

Doesn’t  anyone else see how annoying that can get?! I just always feel that when this starts that IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME…that none of that ever mattered at all because its not really me that he loves its the me that I’m going to become

ok, now before someone gets on my ass about this… before someone starts talking to me about how much he loves me to given everything up for me, how much he loves me to be don’t here with me I never said those words and yes I love him too a whole lot but there are tings about me that I’m just not willing or ready to change yet. I never wanted to grow up as fast as I’m being suggested to and I’m not having an easy time with this task here.

I get the idea that I’m told that i’m selfish and that i’m cold and tyhat I don’t care about anyone but myself and that my priorities are wrong and I see all of that and I get it okay. I never thought I was this bad of a person until I was with him. I never thought of myself as compltely selfcentered and self serving until I was with him. I never thought of myself as this horriable creature that could keep someone from their family just to keep hers quiet. OKAY?!

I have to break from the crap in my “old” family … be more of a part of my “new” family … THEY’RE not my family, THIS is my family. and hes not trying to get me to take away from the OLD family …that there still should be something with the OLD family but its time for me to be in the NEW family and stop trying to save something THAT WAS NEVER THERE.

…moving right along before I start CRYING in the library over things that are totally in my control but out of my control and I just want to be out of my contril because i am so tired of trying to be an adult before I was a kid.

…yes… today I want to die…. today …at this moment… I would like to go curl up… cry for a little while then die…. it will go away soon… I know it will go away…but just right now… in this moment….

::End Transmission::

I got the new Tom Waits cd yesterday… yay… I had to wait for my pay check to get it and what i great check that it was. I’m going to start a major savings account on monday for us… With the way things have been with money this past year saving has been really hard but i want to start to do something. i did but we had to spend it for laundry and other things too.

Time to start again and I’m going to put it in a bank and its going to accumulate intrest.

My father and I talked a lot yesterday about my finances and my investments and things like that and I learned a lot of money things i just don’t think i should talk about in here just because its money and im a little private about money

But I have the yarn for my moms present and for the rest of the things from her, I know what im getting for my dad, I just have to worry about Davis and the kids, Rachel, Am and Kerri and whatever the Victorias secret santa is!

OH no, that reminds me..i put the wrong type of size down on that thing for Meghan! dammit. I should have thought about that first. Dork

anyway… I’m updating my facebook for once too

Cant wait to see my Davis!!!

happy thanksgiving

lovely day… it was meant to just be silent and family because my mother is missing her father a lot… its the fisrt tanksgiving without him since we got here. I’m glad hes at peace

but my father was acting like a weird-o all day… he was totally anti-helpful and just totally a pain in the ass for everyone! HE did nothing adn then made it seem like we were the ones with the problem.

Im’ trying to be done with the confrontational thing with him. i just want to get it overwith and be peaceful for once. i want to be out of that phase

I miss my davis … i wanted us to be together for thanksgiving. I love being with my mommy but i got tired of this crap here with my dad… just a few more days until i get to go home.I’ll miss my mommy then

but the dinner was good, Steve came over and my father was happy that he did and that made him feel better having someone to bullshit with … so i took a break from everything … and im upstairs now. just posting here… yep yep

Missing snuggles…

Well, i’ve been back in jersey for a full 24 hours and GODDESS I MISS MY SKUNK …I cant wait to be back in his arms on Sunday. It’s not been a bad trip so far really, just a trip home but i am really, really loving my life out in pennsylvania… i miss my job and everything else thats going on out there.

I told him i am finally ready to get married. i am sure of it this time. I am sure that i am ready for the two of us to go to that court house and do those papers and it would be great.

I told him that.

OOOOOOOOH i GOT MY NEW GUITAR TODAY. that gets its own post