day off :)


well, s still sleeping … and I've already done an hour of yoga and 12 minutes of rhythm parade… I feel good like I was able to get up and do that for myself … not like my ankle isn't hurting… and blah blah blah … but im trying to get my act together …

I'm just tired… I should have posted what I was thinking last night but I went to bed… now I cant remember.

broken paw…hanging with lions… tics in the store … and the best man a girl coul ask for


so, my foot is still broken … but we still got to have a good day going to cabela's and just being together. I loved every second of today….

brokedy foot< — boot

We got fudge, drove around … I had some bad tics today in the store but I was in my wheelchair so it was pretty good.

I really love having my chair … I don't really have words for it sometimes … it's like for the first time I get to be … well… invsable… truly invisable… because no one notices anything up with me when I'm having issues in the chair… i love it.

nows how to maneuver my chair really well… I love when he takes me up and down steps … I kinda giggle/shreak like a little girl and just laugh my ass off over it. When we were at the mall the other day he took me up the escellator and freaked everyone out ….

Today was just a very nice day …Now we're just sitting here watching TV… it's a good day. I love this man … and my life is good.

…but this show is freaking me out in a fun way.

too many doctors, it’s time to call the whole thing off.


I'm tired.

I'm tired of doctors trying to convince me that I'm crazy.

I'm tired of having ideas put into my head that are not my own

I feel like if I am so insightful
then why am I paying these people
to tell me things I already know?

So… Saturday I made the decision that I don't want to play these games anymore with the doctors. I decided that this is game over… I was given an ultimatum at work and I decided to make the right decision for myself, my family, and my finances… I do not regret it. I'm back on my medications … and that's fine with me … but I'm not going to constantly be checking in with people anymore. I don't need to be convinced I'm crazy … I also don't need someone trying to mess with my drugs or tell me things I don't think I need to do.

and somehow watching Top Gear was what helped me come to this conclusion … It was about Hammonds accident and him talking about what it was like coming back from almost dying … and it made me think of the epipen thing, and about my brain and my life and what all this has done to me… and most of all, how much im tired of it and how much im ready to move forward and now have this be held against me anymore.

so the psychiatrists don't think I should do this, but I told them that I'd call with my new schedule everyweek so they can find ways to fit me in.

No. That is not happening.
That's way too restrictive for me, I don't want to be trapped into this. I don't want to do this, play this or have this happen… Im going to try to work on myself with diet and exercize too … i'm always a more grounded person, tics/jerks/ contortions in all as long as I have some kind of activity… and it has to be an hour of it everyday. I can make due with 30 minutes but I NEED to have this done for me … and i need to eat better and focus more… I need routines to keep my OCD under control… so it's time I let myself do what I need to do.

but the doctors gave me all the paperwork to go back to work like I need to do …

Oh, and my mom is coming again tomorrow and this house is a STYE … I should be working on it instead of posting on here… but … this is also something important for me to do too …

Feeling like a poser


I am completely in love with my Wii fit … Even when I'm back to ticcing hard core it's still better for me to have this thing to keep me distracted … today was a pretty good day but I want to get more done in my house … my tics are back of course … but i can deal with that…

I've come to realize that in a world full to still people … if I'm not moving I feel like a poser…

Liberation.


Things got a little crazy … they wanted to commit me again for a minimum of 2 weeks … or longer until they decided I was stable … they think that an inpatient treatment program with an inteisive CBT might be what would help me … I said heck no. Actually, I said no way… this is too much and I am tired of it. … and thats because, rhis has gotten to be too much for me. I'm not playing these games with these people anymore … I'm not going to be a science project anymore … I'm not going to torment myself with studies and drugs and medications and keep turning myself into knotsAfter Penn decided I'm not a candidate for DBS or TMS … and decided that I don't even HAVE TS anymore after a 2 hour visit … that I have Psychogenic disease and TAUGHT MYSELF tourette's … I've decided to let that go in one ear, out my backside … and just … step back from the medical profession. All it's doing is making me more twisted than I need to be.

Everyone hin my support networks are amazing, and the people I'm specifically thinking about know EXACTLY who they are (**wink wink**) …but sometimes… sometimes I think that we all fight so hard to try to do the best we can for ourselves and others that we make it worse… I know, speaking for myself … that I can make myself worse by trying to find an answer… you know, lost in the forrest and not seeing the trees. So, I don't know what I am now… but, if everyone with big fancy degrees is allowed to have an opinion, and I have a medium fancy one of my own … then I can make my own opinions, have my own mindset… make my own decisions, trust my own judgement and try to move forward with my life … back away from all these doctors who seem to know me better than I know myself and finally trust my own judgement.

I've made my own reality with a dream that I'm going to achieve Neurotypical-ness without doing all the work I need to on my own … I've tried everything out there that modern medicine is willing to offer me … and frankly, I'm tired…By being tired, that seems to make the shrinks think I want to off myself … well, truly… I'm not that kind of person. I hate swallowing pills, I don't like alcohol … I don't do illegal drugs … I speed, but I'm trying not to tailgate … and I don't have any good reasons not  That's too perminant for me, and life is too flexable … Now… I just need to do what I need to do without all the white men in white coats…. and try to make the best job, home life, whatever … away from that kind of crud… because… I don't think they can make someone like me better.

not like I can make me better either, but I am insightful enough to know that for myself… and then I can do something about it … but making myself insane with these people and these medications is not the answer. I've made my own reality with a dream that I'm going to achieve Neurotypical-ness without doing all the work I need to on my own … I've tried everything out there that modern medicine is willing to offer me … and frankly, I'm tired…

By being tired, that seems to make the shrinks think I want to off myself … well, truly… I'm not that kind of person. That's too perminant for me, and life is too flexable … Now… I just need to do what I need to do without all the white men in white coats…. and try to make the best job, home life, whatever … away from that kind of crud… because… I don't think they can make someone like me better. not like I can make me better either, but I am insightful enough to know that for myself… and then I can do something about it … but making myself insane with these people and these medications is not the answer.