nothing important

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand

I was talking to artie a little while ago… we talked about my book and one of the characters that I call archangel… it’s a really sad story…

Archangel is really a mix of artie and Vic’s personalities and he comes to kismet when shes really at a lot point one night when shes ready to end her short immortal life… and she never knew that archangel was mortal… and she honestly fell in love with him… and ahe saw him for years… then… he tied tragically during the day and she never saw him again but Sojourner Mitzuli continued to torcher her by using her memories against her… and making her think he was still there before Alaborn Ripped out her eyes…

it wasn’t until later… a lot later… that shes told the truth.. that archangel died hundreds of years before and all the years she had seen him it was only a vision… and just thinking of that makes me feel like crying… because it’s sad…

I don’t know… I really… really miss Victor… maybe I should go call him… I know he’s not home… he’s out having a life at play practice… and I know he misses me too… but this is one of those time where I want to be selfish


We broke off the engagement… I’m sad about it… I just wish we could really talk…even is it was midnight…. I have more to post… but I’m just not in the mood right now… I’m going to go take a shower…

What happened to me in band today…

I was in band today and Mr.Andrews was conducting… and we got these new pages with scales on them. but they weren’t normal scales. They were all given numbers. And it was page 2… and there were 2 page 2s and I couldn’t find it first and my stand partner was kinda loosing it. And then He asks everyone and then he calls on me to tell him what the scale was… and I didn’t know… and finally when I got it I picked up the paper and pointed “That one” and he screamed at me “Be an Good musician and say it in words” and I didn’t know.. and he started yelling at me… and I got so scared and embarrassed that I just looked down at my bass and got quiet… and I didn’t know… and I have him for music theory 2nd period and I knew that it was in the key of G…. and I didn’t know how to say it… if I needed to transpose it… or just say it was G… or F sharp… so I didn’t say anything… and he just stared at me with this hatred in his eyes…
and then I mimed “F”… then he yelled at me to speak because he can’t read lips… and I was quiet and crying more… and someone said G for me and then he screamed at me more… and went on to another group… I couldn’t look at him for the whole class… he scared me so badly and I was so embarrassed… he did this in front of 140 other people…
SojournerMitzuli: then He screamed before he let class out at me that I wanted to see but he threatened to take my bass away and something about separating me… I didn’t understand… I still don’t…

God… It’s just like when Mike yells at me and when I use to get hit… I feel so small and so worthless that there’s nothing about me that’s useful… I was so ashamed… I’m scared to go back to band and to theory tomorrow and face him… I really am… I’m scared to walk through the mall 1st period because he’s in there…. He’s always been my favorite director then he just turned on me… I know I’m a wise ass sometimes…. but I was just so confused in class I just didn’t know what to do… God… if I knew what to say then I would have gotten it right… he just went insane on me….

This is the E-mail I just sent him….

Mr. Andrews…

I want to tell you that I was not mad… I was definitely not mad… I was embarrassed and scared… Anger was nothing to me… I was crying because you made me feel so small and so stupid that I didn’t know what to do… I was not trying to be defiant today. I honestly did not understand. That is why I pointed. I didn’t know if you wanted me to tell you it was in the key of G. or it was a G scale… or even if I had to transpose it… I honestly didn’t know. And I was so ashamed for not knowing it that I couldn’t look at you. Because I know that we went over the sharps and flats in Theory so many times… I wasn’t mad… I never was…

~*~ Juliet Williamson~*~

I still feel sick from it… I thought I was going to throw up when it happened… I’ve never been yelled at like that… or yelled at after class! I didn’t know I was that wrong…. My mom said it was him not me… but I can’t help but feel like… if I was a better student then this wouldn’t have happened… or maybe if I wasn’t a wise apple sometimes he wouldn’t have been so mad at me…

**just snapped at mike too** Great…. he got on me and I just snapped… **crying again** I never want to go back to band ever again! I never want to see those people ever again… I’ve been humiliated in front of the people I spend more of my time with then my own family… **almost sobbing** this may be the reason I don’t want to go into music…. this may just be the breaking point!!!!

Brick- Ben folds five


6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to the apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They’re not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I’m feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can’t you see
It’s not me you’re dying for
Now she’s feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son, it’s time to tell the truth
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

Driving home to her apartment
For a moment we’re alone
Yeah she’s alone
I’m alone
Now I know it

She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly

it’s raining!

I’m so happy its raining! Now because we need it

Because it pospones the football game that was suppose to be tonight that I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO GO

nothing against football… but I hate the band director and we have so many proformances coming up… shyt, I needed the break! … it’ll just be tomorrow after work… not much of a break if you ask me… but STILL!!

I’ve just been listening to this ben folds five song for the past week… atleast until my new StarFireFive CD gets here…

neglected LJ

yeah… I’ve been neglecting this thing a little bit lately… **grone** I’m so over worked… so very badly it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore… I’m taking more classes then I physically have time for… I’m after school almost everyday… soon to BE everyday thanks to heather and the fucking YES club… so there goes all my freetime…

i’m so over worked… I just can’t take it… and I want my vicci-san… I want my victor more then anything in the world and it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen… I want to talk to him for more then an hour… I mean really hear his voice… and my dad is a total loser… Vicci and I talked just for an hour and he unplugged the phone saying that was more then long enough…. I’m not suppose to monopolize the phone….

if that’s the cause why am I aloud on the internet all night? Can someone explane that to me?

fuck… I’m so… so tired.. and I have an away football game tomorrow… work 8-3-something Saturday… seeing artie Sunday… marching from 8:45am until 6 Monday… practice Tuesday… Competition on Thursday… not be back until until about 10:30-11ish and an away game on Friday again… and PSAT and Band competition Saturday…

it’s 9:30pm and I’m finally getting my 5minute break… but not very long… I’ll have to go to bed soon… damnit…

well… I just say forget it… I’m gona E-mail Victor then pack up and go to bed… and start all over again tomorrow…


Artist: Ben folds five
Album: whatever and ever amen

What I’ve kept with me
And what I’ve thrown away
And where the hell I’ve ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thing about my old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand,
Sad & free
I can’t cry and I can’t see
What I’ve done
God…What have I done

So don’t you know I’m numb, man
No I don’t feel a thing at all
Cause its all smiles & business these days
and I am indifferent to the loss
I’ve faith that there’s a soul
whose leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down…

Here I stand,
Sad & free
I can’t cry and I can’t see
What I’ve done
God…What have I done

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
it evaporated…see?

Blind man on a canyon’s edge
of a Panoramic scene
Or maybe I’m a kite
That’s flying high & random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger’s knee
I’m sure back home
They think I’ve lost my mind.