parking nazi

HereNow GoneL8er (7:07:46 PM): i think i hate people… i went to park in the front of the house tonight because the neighbors have someone over and i cant get into mine right now… so i park infront of the house… there are these nasty people across the street and i park infront of the house because i dont see anyones names on the spaces and the people on their portch start harassing me about parking there instead of in the back. I say, that i cant park in the back because my spot is taken… they want to know why cant i park in the other spot … i say “im not going to park there, i cant see to fit” so this fat ugly woman gets so nasty with me that i shouldn’t be driving if i cant see to park and shes going to send the other woman over to give me a piece of her mind when she gets home because now she’ll have nowhere to park
HereNow GoneL8er (7:08:18 PM): excuse me! i dont see a name on the parking spaces, and i will get mine back later, its not that its a big deal that i won’t have mine for a bit because someone is having company and asked if i would mind for a little bit
HereNow GoneL8er (7:08:52 PM): but it is none of her business where i park! its a town street! she’s not the god damn parking authority! i hope she sends the other person over to talk to me, maybe that one will be reasonable and not a nagging bitch
HereNow GoneL8er (7:10:47 PM): i dont think the person who lives on the street cares too much or they would have spoken to me… or have put something IN THEIR SPOT to save it. Jeebus christmas! i park there when im going in the house for a few minutes to get something and then have to run again instead of turning around the back
HereNow GoneL8er (7:10:56 PM): and what business is it of that fat nosey bitch
HereNow GoneL8er (7:26:57 PM): i feel like leaving my car there because its a legal space, because shes not the parking patrol

got over myself

I put in my application today for team leader for another one of the Lehigh Valley stores … im trying again … its about time i get over myself and start working on making life good for me and my bunny again. i love him… and i cant keep feeling this way like a dork

so… xtina is in late today for inventory and i guess i will get to talk to her tuesday … today went really fast for me and i got to work with holly and we got to have a great time being silly and just getting stuff done …

 i dont know theres not too much left for me to post about in here… i have to talk more about the TL things i guess but not now… now i want to go do other things, me nad bunny are home today at the same time and its more important for me to be iwth him then on here posting alone …

time for love

nice day

we had today off together… i loved it… some stuff wasn’t great but thats just how life is. we went to the new restaraunt by Giant called “borderline” and it was pretty good. i wasn’t really in the mood to go to it but once we got there it was nice to sit and talk and do the secret word together. i had french onion soup and it was good… never really like that but today it was good

found out a sorta friend of mine is pregnant… went to a sperm back… i should be happy for her… i guess in a day or two i will be, but right now im at a loss for words …

emily and the boy are doing well again … should be happy for them too and im not

worried about pearl because she doesn’t seem to be doing good either…

and my mother is nuts …. thats all i have to report….

my house was clean for a little bit. .. so… i guess i get to finish it up… i was kinda hoping sunday that the nasty rug in the basement would be gone… but i never said anything … thats my fault… i will find out where to get rid of it tomorrow and try to do the rest of the chores… sometimes i wish i could just spend a day rotting on the computer… but i cant…

im not as sad as i think this post is making me sound… just frustrated i guess…tired… upset… frustrated…. but i do love my guy…

Team leader material ………..

… I dont know whats wrong with me, the Tourette’s is bad and i know thats just how it is and i need to live with it … but today it was bad nad i tried to hold it in but that wasn’t working and … i don’t know… I was thinking about this a lot before i left tonight, and i did leave early… lost an hour and a half because of it. It was so bad i couldn’t cut things… what good am i if i cant cut and fill cakes. I’m just wasting their money paying me.

I thought i wanted to be management at my store, i thought it was going to be worth it to me to get to do it and work my way up… but today when i was looking at myself and what i can and can’t do i felt like it wasn’t like that at all.. it was like what i wanted and didnt want to do … can i will myself to be better? can i just make myself fight through it? Xtina told me a week or two ago I’m not allowed to ask to go home early, management cant do that no matter what the problems are. It’s not just me and i know that. Times are tight and money is tight … everything is tight and if we dont use our hours then we wont have them later on when we want/need them.

But after the fight with my mom, was it even really a fight … and shit with my dad… its like… what am i doing? really? … how important is this to me? in the grand scheme of life… but today i felt like a failure for a good part of it. The money would be great if i got up there, i mean … nothing is perfect but its something…. but how can i do it if i ask to leave early, if i dont have the right attitude … how can i think i can do that if ive got this stupid disorder that makes my life miserable and i still always think its all in my head.

why cant i stop thinking that i can just pretend it away, i feel like i just do the tics to get attention… but i dont, do i? only i really know the answer. Do i really need that much attention like that. i know better, i do know better and the answer has to be no… but i question it…

today was just… a day … i dont know how other to describe it with the big girl words…. roslyn and Holly went at it a lot today, then i got into it with the rest of the department about how rough things are with her … i just feel like things are going down hill and then the stress makes it worse… i could control it… but i cant do anything about it … its just … les sighs. she went and told Aimee that i “wasn’t feeling good” and if i want to go home to let me …

its not about feeling good or not feeling good that was never the issue at hand… i have a chronic condition that she didnt need to tell anyone else about because i know if i can go home or not…and if i want to or not… so dont start with me about that!!!! why did she have to tell aimee… i know she cared… but that was too much caring for me …

i think i dont want to post anymore

More fucking bullshit with my genetic donors

…. Jesus mighty someone help me!!!!!!

Chicago Mammy (10:30:46 AM): when can we meet up to transfer Honda to your name.  Need to do next week. your mother and I will pay for your car insurance for the next 6 months, (Allstate) which will take you up to Feb 2009. From then on it will be your responsibility

Auto Response from HereNow GoneL8er (10:30:46 AM):
Teh Weggies owneth my soul from 12:30-9 tonight …

other than that i’m putting stuff away, making things pretty and washing my nasty ass hair

come visit at me at work!! I ❤ company!

HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:10 AM): wait… what?
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:21 AM): why are you paying my car insurance i said i was going to do it
Chicago Mammy (10:31:24 AM): read it again
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:26 AM): i want to do it myself
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:37 AM): Dad, i saw
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:38 AM): i can do it
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:43 AM): i appreciate it, i really, really do
HereNow GoneL8er (10:31:48 AM): but i can do it. I’m a big girl
Chicago Mammy (10:32:29 AM): iot is not about being a big girl or sdoing it yourself why are you looking the gift horse in the mouth
Chicago Mammy (10:32:29 AM): \
HereNow GoneL8er (10:32:45 AM): because you just paid for my whole college and everything else for my existance for 22 years
Chicago Mammy (10:32:58 AM): and…………………………
HereNow GoneL8er (10:32:59 AM): i see it differently
HereNow GoneL8er (10:33:09 AM): i want to support myself
Chicago Mammy (10:34:33 AM): you live in PA and you are buying a car in NJ, what to you need to do. are you going to get insurance coverage immediately, how do you transfer the title from one state to the next.
HereNow GoneL8er (10:35:30 AM): i can find those things out, but i know you two dont have any income and i dont want you guys to be paying all that money for me when you guys are going to need it
Chicago Mammy (10:35:31 AM): if this is what you want to do, just tell me where to be to transfer the title over to you.
HereNow GoneL8er (10:35:34 AM): im trying to be nice, not be rude
HereNow GoneL8er (10:35:39 AM): its not that im not grateful
Chicago Mammy (10:36:29 AM): tell me where to meet you.  As for our financial situation, lets us manange that ourselves and not to worry.
Chicago Mammy (10:37:25 AM): i will meet you where ever you want to PA.  where is there closest Dept. motor Vehicles
Chicago Mammy (10:38:15 AM): need to go ther to transfer title over to you.  you must show proof of insurance also
HereNow GoneL8er (10:38:50 AM): okay
HereNow GoneL8er (10:39:10 AM): this is just turning into such a bigger deal than i thought it was going to be and now it seems like you’re mad at me
HereNow GoneL8er (10:39:35 AM): i just thought i was doing something right
HereNow GoneL8er (10:39:37 AM): and trying to help
Chicago Mammy (10:39:43 AM): I am not mad at you.  This is your call and I will follow your lead
Chicago Mammy (10:40:28 AM): I an never mad at you,  maybe a little disappointed at times but never mad. You don’t get it, “you are special to me”
Chicago Mammy (10:40:55 AM): hear garage door, here comes the MAMMY
HereNow GoneL8er (10:41:40 AM): ok
HereNow GoneL8er (10:41:49 AM): WHY DO YOU PUT THAT IN QUOTES?!
HereNow GoneL8er (10:41:54 AM): IT LOOKS LIKE A GREETING CARD
Chicago Mammy (10:42:07 AM): because I can
Chicago Mammy (10:42:58 AM): so look into getting the title changed to PA and tell me where to meet you on what date
HereNow GoneL8er (10:43:30 AM): ok
HereNow GoneL8er (10:43:37 AM): i just is weird to me that its always in quotes
HereNow GoneL8er (10:43:53 AM): if you’re the one saying it, why quote it … its notl ike someone else is citing the work
Chicago Mammy (10:47:02 AM): because this is not a term paper I can do it how I like. I put it in quotes because it is coming out of my mouth and i want to emphasize the words
HereNow GoneL8er (10:47:43 AM): ok

i cant find my camera… and my mother sucks

….. but yes…

read the following

HereNow GoneL8er (11:47:10 PM): its really good
HereNow GoneL8er (11:49:17 PM): it was just funny seeing that girl who hit herself on the show
HereNow GoneL8er (11:49:27 PM): because i would punch myself in the head too and i just couldn’t stop my hand from doing it
Chicago Mammy (11:49:31 PM): i cannot figure out cleo and rems tank.  this week you could drink the water…crystal clear and i changed it on saturday.  i do the same thing every week and some weeks its cloudy all week.  go fig.     i remember u hitting yoursellf
HereNow GoneL8er (11:49:41 PM): i didnt want to do it
Chicago Mammy (11:49:47 PM): it made me crazy
HereNow GoneL8er (11:49:52 PM): i didnt want to say the stuff i was saying but i couldn’t do anything to stop it
Chicago Mammy (11:50:36 PM): i didnt understand a lot of what u were doing
HereNow GoneL8er (11:50:46 PM): i didnt either so i couldn’t do anything about it
Chicago Mammy (11:53:00 PM): yeah
HereNow GoneL8er (11:54:17 PM): it sucked a lot
HereNow GoneL8er (11:54:19 PM): lol
Chicago Mammy (11:54:45 PM): i know and it wasnt fun for me either
HereNow GoneL8er (11:56:05 PM): that was another reason i hated going to Sally so much
HereNow GoneL8er (11:56:09 PM): because she made the tics worse
Chicago Mammy (11:57:12 PM): well we cant  go back and you were unable or unwilling to explain how you were feeling to me so i tried to do what i could to help not sure o fwhat needed to be done
HereNow GoneL8er (11:58:26 PM): ..yeah
HereNow GoneL8er (11:59:27 PM): it wasa good show to get awareness out
Chicago Mammy (11:59:31 PM): i wonder when did o you start talking about it to anyone
HereNow GoneL8er (11:59:33 PM): i hope each of those girls get better as they get older
HereNow GoneL8er (11:59:47 PM): september 2005
Chicago Mammy (11:59:58 PM): who nd and why or how
HereNow GoneL8er (12:01:37 AM): Who: Davis:
Why: Because we were talking and on webcam and he asked me what were those motions i was making and made me talk about it, or why sometimes when i speak my voice just stops then starts again
HereNow GoneL8er (12:02:00 AM): I was finally confronted about it by someone in a way that wasn’t accusatory or angry
Chicago Mammy (12:03:30 AM): ok
HereNow GoneL8er (12:04:07 AM): and it kept comming up in different ways, so even if it wasnt a direct question it was hinted at so i would start to say something
HereNow GoneL8er (12:04:13 AM): and it turned into conversations about it
HereNow GoneL8er (12:05:11 AM): and i got to talk about it on my terms, so i could say what i wanted and not get pressed.
HereNow GoneL8er (12:06:56 AM): I could talk to Vic about it too, but it was never really something that i could have a real conversation with him about. It’s always easier to talk about it when no one can see me. I dont like anyone seeing what it does to me when i feel like its bad
Chicago Mammy (12:07:44 AM): i dont n  know june
HereNow GoneL8er (12:08:13 AM): its a weird thing, i never like anyone to see it
Chicago Mammy (12:08:37 AM): y   you and your secret life
HereNow GoneL8er (12:09:37 AM): it had to be secret! there was no other way for me to deal with it. i was ashamed of it, shy of it, it was painful for me because I knew it upset you and my father and me and i just wanted it to go away
HereNow GoneL8er (12:09:44 AM): i wanted it to go away so i tried to keep it to myself
HereNow GoneL8er (12:10:10 AM): i hate that “you and your secret life” thing… because i felt like i had no choice because it was something i didn’t understand and couldn’t put into words about
Chicago Mammy (12:10:25 AM): so you had all this going on and all the sneaking around and lies and scool i dont know
Chicago Mammy (12:10:40 AM): thats a lot of juggling
HereNow GoneL8er (12:10:59 AM): yes. it was.
HereNow GoneL8er (12:12:15 AM): but the twitching doesn’t count, because by then it was me and i didnt know what it was so it was just another part of what i was. so it was there.
Chicago Mammy (12:13:02 AM): u lost me there
HereNow GoneL8er (12:13:51 AM): that wasn’t something i was juggling, that was just me. so thats one less thing i was trying to think about. by the time all this started it was on the up and up so … i forgot about it, as much as thats possiable
Chicago Mammy (12:16:17 AM): i dont know   i am having trouble concentrating or understanding….. by juggling i mean you had so much going on and still you were …oh never mind its too late to go down that road again
HereNow GoneL8er (12:16:30 AM): yes it is.
Chicago Mammy (12:16:56 AM): u did what u wanted to do  i will never get it but i guess i dont have to
HereNow GoneL8er (12:17:51 AM): i think im going to go to bed june, im tired from thinking about all this stuff
HereNow GoneL8er (12:18:14 AM): and im all twitchy and its hard for me to type.
Chicago Mammy (12:18:51 AM): i am not tired but now my head is in places i dont want to go so i am sure i wont be tired to sleep anytime soon and there is nothing good i have to read

Doubts …

the worst thing i can do is doubt myself and my skills… but today I’m having doubts… i woke up this morning and was making breakfast and just found myself wondering if what I made for Kalah really did help, or did it make it worse? she’s been getting sicker and sicker and i know its because of what she has … but at the same time I’m doubting if I did my magic right, should I have waited longer to do it? where could I have done something different?

i dont have the luxury to be able to doubt myself, i just know that i have to act like i know its going to work, but ….wow…im just… scared

no as bad as i thought

well, today started out cranky but it got allright as the day went on … um… covering for charles wasn’t so bad but i still dont like working saturdays. I’m too close to the cutoff for hours for the week so i could only work 3.5 i got my 4 in thought because i take my time and wait until the end of the shift to tear down patassirie because i dont want my shrink to be through the roof

Patricia and i are now friends, she works in fish and we were talking and she likes to eat the brownie ends… i’ll start to feel bad when we start to make the Triffles…. well, less trash… but those fucking brownies take too much time to make i just dont like them

i got a lot of stuff ready for tomorrow  so it will mean getting to the back up faster and less time on the case with people im not that friendly with. that will be nice… and i think i got Sunday pay for working tonight, thats nice too …

what else happened tonight ……… um…nothing really, im hungry and have to be in at 8 and i should go to bed… haha

more tomorrow maybe

and i still ahte laundry, but i got a lot done today

today sucked

i dont know i feel like a bitch… but today was crappy and i know its because i let it be… the past few days off we’ve had together have just been sad… and angry… and just… yeah….

i wish i didnt have to go to work tomorrow… thats all for now… im going to go clean my house now… as much as i can at least

I’ve been looking forward to this day together for a while…its been so long since we’ve had any time together just to be together for a few days.. we had Tuesday and

… i cant post this in here…