family matters

When was the last time you …

Smiled?: Right now…
SojournerMitzuli: can I come live with you for 10 days?
Volpino Azzurri: If you can get down here, then yes

Laughed?: Don’t remember
Cried?: A few days ago after therapy… Stupid shoulder….
Bought something?: Not yet… it’s only 10am
Danced?: At the Homecomming
Were sarcastic?: To Mike, the evil sadistic kreep I currently have to call my father
Kissed someone?: the last time I saw Artie
Talked to an ex?: I sent a card to him… does that count?
Watched your favorite movie?: A few days ago when I went over to Arties house. We saw interview with the vampire
Had a nightmare?: Lastnight

A Last time for everything …

Last book you read: Blackwood Farm – Anne Rice I just finished it yesterday
Last movie you saw: The Lord of the Rings – The two towers
Last song you heard: Yesterday – Beatles
Last thing you had to drink: Apple Juice
Last time you showered: Yesterday morning
Last thing you ate: a Talor ham and Cheese

Do You …

Smoke?: No.
Do drugs?: Never ever
Have sex?: Um… No comment… Take it however you want to…
Sleep with stuffed animals?: Yes! A bunch of them
Live in the moment?: Always.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yes! And he’s a snugglebunny!
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Yes… And it’s pretty Erotic and pretty private too…
Play an instrument?: Yes.. many! Clarinet, Bass clarinet, Contra Bass Clarinet, Piano, Percussion, Oboe, Some Flute
Believe there is life on other planets?: Never really thought about it
Remember your first love?: Definatly.
Still love him/her?: Not really… he went insane…
Read the newspaper?: Yes, most days
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yes, and they think I’m hott o.o;;;
Believe in miracles?: Not yet
Believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever?: I think if you have the right person or thing then it’s possiable
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes… well, I try
Consider love a mistake?: Sometimes
Like the taste of alcohol?: Some of it, but i’m the retard that likes to mix it in everything when I get the chance for it… whats that for me? Twice a year?
Have a favorite candy?: Anything gummy or sucky
Believe in astrology?: Only when Katy wants me too…
Believe in magic?: A little
Believe in God?: Atheist….
Pray?: atheist…
Go to church?: Janet…the resedent mother, makes me….
Have any secrets?: Yeah, another private thing
Have any pets: a few
Do well in school?: Sometimes
Go to or plan to go to college?: Yeah, Sure
Have a major?: Music, I want to conduct the philharmonic ^.^
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: I havea block up.. noone gets to message me! hehe!!
Wear hats?: sometimes
Have any piercings?: Nope
Have any tattoos?: Nada
Hate yourself?: On occasion
Have an obsession?: victor **lol** just kidding dalling
Have a secret crush?: Yeah…
Do they know yet?: Of course… a
Collect anything?: Silver?
Have a best friend?: no
Wish on stars?: Not anymore… they don’t work
Like your handwriting?: Yep!
Have any bad habits?: Yep.. tNail biting
Care about looks?: Mine? Yes… I ugly
Boy/girlfriend’s looks?: Never
Friends and other people?:No
Believe in witches?: Do family memebers count?
Believe in Satan?: Atheist
Believe in ghosts?: I see them


somewhere in between life and death there lies a stage where there is nothing more then the air in which you breath. Where there is no light, there is no darkness and the only thing you feel is the stake driving through your chest alerting you to the coming dawn when you know your children will not be safe in your arms any longer…
~*~ Kismet Todavias of La Entrada — describing sleep~*~

last Christmas tradition gone…

just like everything else in life… it ends… my favorite tradition is over… there’s no more pickle present anymore… and it sucks…

What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?

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What Weapon Are You?

I’m big and long

You like slicing things…a lot. And you are very big and long…lucky you.

you know the other thing that sucks… I woke up with a stiff neck and my ear is hurting me… -.-;;; looks like I should go down and take those fucking drugs…


Your name spelled backwards:

Where were your parents born:
Somewhere in the US… Jersey and wVA?

Heart Broken:
totally nailed

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Some Beatles songs

Last time you swam in a pool?
a loooooooong time ago

Do you believe in yourself?

Have you ever been in a school play?

How many kids do you want?

Type of music you dislike most?
rap, hiphop and country are tied

Are you registered to vote?

Do you have cable?

Have you ever ridden on a moped?

Do you like the ocean?

Unrequited love?
he he he

Ever prank call anybody?
hell yes

Ever get a parking ticket?

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky Diving hell yeah!

Furthest place you ever traveled:
Dun remember

Last time you cried:
a few nights ago

Do you have a garden?
my room is a garden

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

What’s your favorite comic strip?
Rhymes with Orange

Biggest regret?
a lot

Do you have any enemies?
oooh hell yes, more of those then I have friends actually

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

Once a cheater always a cheater?
maybe, depends on the person

Bath or Shower, morning or night?
all of the above

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Interview with the Vampire for the 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 time

Favorite pizza topping?

Chips or popcorn?

What color lipstick do you usually wear?
I don’t really..

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I don’t smoke anything

Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
yes, often actually

Have you ever been in a beauty pagent?

Orange Juice or Apple?
Both with vodka

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
I went out to lunch with my mom on Friday and we went to Clinton Bagel where I work

Favorite type of chocolate bar?
Dark with Almonds

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
sometime before November. Then the plant died

Have you ever won a trophy?
yes a few

Are you a good cook?
I bake… does that count

Is there anyone at the moment who makes your heart beat faster?

Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Doesn’t everyone?

Ever order an article from an infomercial?
a few times, I’m dumb like that

Sprite or 7-up?
Neither, nasty

Will you love again?

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
stuff for my alergic reaction to nickle

Ever throw up in public?

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Who was the last person you kissed?
my mammy

Ever call a 1-900 number?

Can exes be friends?

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?

When was the last time you were in love?
a few hours ago

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?

What message is on your answering machine?
plently…. I’m lazy

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
susan I love you! BLUES BROTHERS

What was the name of your first pet?
Columbus, he was a hermit crab

What is in your purse?
more then you would like me to list.

How many songs do you have downloaded onto your hard drive?
better then 400

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
read my books or listen to music

What is one thing you are grateful for today?
and that Joyce doesn’t have the flu after I spent the day at her house yesterday! I’d kill her if she did

No title, no feelings, no nothing… it’s like Louis in the Vampire Chronicles depressed, empty and

Talked to victor this morning and for a few seconds last night…. You know… He’s made a new friend Pat/Pam…Something like that… I don’t really remember…she’s the same height as me… same social attributes as me… and I don’t just feel threatened… I feel like I’m gone…. He said he feels like we’re falling apart… I was just joking a few nights ago and he took me seriously… I keep forgetting I can’t do that because he’ll take it wrong sometimes… But now it’s like I just made one to many mistakes and I’m going to loose the person that I’ve dreamed of spending my life with…. God damn it…I cut him off… I just hung up with him a few minutes ago and I cut him off real fast because… well… I knew I’d start crying and I don’t want to keep looking like a baby… and cousin Nicole called and I had the beep so it let me get out of this really fast… I don’t see it the same way he does… I can’t see how he thinks it’s falling apart… maybe I’m just lost in my own world like I tend to be and ignore all the reality behind everything that’s happening…

But I can’t seem to get it out of my head that Pat/Pam… She’s taking him away from me… Yes, she’s closer to him, I can understand that and I do want him to find someone who he can actually see…but part of me keeps saying that I want to keep him to myself and have it stay that way… She likes J rock more then I do… She’s a rocker chick, she really can play Guitar and Bass and percussion he said! I’m Classical… I play the clarinet… the Violin… the oboe… the piano… She’s in his TOWN… I’m in jersey…

He said if I don’t start rolling with the punches then I’m gone… I can’t even cry… my whole being wants me to cry and I can’t cry… I just want to let it all out of my system and have it all go to hell right now if it has to… I was really starting to get into the holiday spirit… I was really starting to enjoy everything that was happening and then today and starting last night I guess it all started going in a huge downward spiral and it just happened to be the weight of the world falling on top of me and slowly crushing the life out of this already breaking body….

And I feel like I shouldn’t do anything… like… I should just let this happen because if he wants to be happy and it’s not with me then what do I do? I’m so scared of loosing him… I really am… and I feel like this is all my fault that this is going to happen… I feel like because I don’t know when to shut up or when to explain myself that it’s all my fault and that I deserve to be alone… and if not alone then just to make myself just…rot… God damn it all into hell with this stake through my heart right now…

I feel like I just want to hide for a while… but I know running away can’t make anything better now can it? That’s just delaying everything I’m scared of… the second he told me that he met this girl and she as into J-rock and all those other things about her I knew I was on the way out…yes, I’ve joked around with him… but I’ve never been serious about any of it… he’s never had any competition…yes there have been guys I’ve liked for a week…but that’s all it was and there’s nothing more…
I jut feel like I’m old news and now it’s time to move on to something bigger and better… or maybe someone that’s also 5’2” ΒΌ … and who’s not had a bad reputation… and who knows how to shut her mouth an behave… and is a little violent…

I really thought that this post would be about what I did last night… hanging out with Artie and putting up his tree…eating pizza and watching interview… but it’s like…now… none of that matters to me…

I just feel disgusting all over… I feel like a bad person and everything like that…like I’ve failed as a girlfriend and as a real friend now… but just him telling me that I could be out… god… that… it gives me chills… it makes the room spin…. so much for this being the most wonderful time of the year…

YES… I told him that I felt seriously threatened by her… YES I have! Everything about her I feel like the lesser person… She seems like the better version of me!!! The stronger version of me and I really feel like she’s going to take my place because she’s there… and I’m stuck here and I’ve tried so hard to get it so we could be together but… I don’t know…maybe he’s just sick of me… I know it’s all me… because…. There is no answer to that because… I don’t really know… there’s no one I want to talk to…there’s nothing I want to do I just feel so stupid that if he does drop me for her… that I’ve spent so much time… and so much money trying to get it to work and it turns out like everything else in life… for nothing… and I want this to be something… I wanted this to turn into something to make everyone else know that it could work and it wasn’t just another stupid thing I tried…

And I’m not saying she’s stealing him… I probably wrote that somewhere up there… but I blame myself for being a little shit and knowing I said that if he finds someone else down there just to go and forget about me… I think if he likes her then… well… I said I’d step down… now I’m starting to cry….

I was just joking that night… I really was just joking… I’m the one who kept on him about doing what he wanted… I can’t help it that I don’t like Ian… its personality clashing… I’ve tried to like him for Vic’s sake but I just can’t do it … I know he likes Alieah… I know he likes Ian and all those other people who I’ve never met… argued with… or just don’t talk to for some reason or another… he wants me to like those people and I really have tried… it’s like the Sarah thing all over again.. I don’t know… yes, I know some people do give a damn about me and it’s not like I don’t care about them I just feel like I have nothing to say so why bother….I’ve tried to make the effort so I could tell him I’m friends with this person and that person but I’m just not that friendly… he talks to everyone and stuff like that but I just don’t I’ll sit on and talk to maybe one or two people an be happy… but he’s got a huge buddy list and knows everyone and I’m just the illusive one who seems to argue with three people and that makes me bad!

So yes, it’s all my fault… Sarah.. I was envious of, I never meant to argue with her and every time we talked it just got worse, we had nothing in common with he exception of Soul Reaver and that was about it. I had her on My MSN list for a long time trying to talk to her… but we both brushed the other one off and ended it right there…..and then there’s Ian… he’s not a bad person, I just don’t like how he handles some things, I’m all for his comic, power to him. It was NOTHING to do with me not being a part of it because I could get a scanner to scan the damned thing after I colored it. OKAY?! Stop calling me a sore loser over it. I’ve talked to him for a little bit but after the break up with Page I just stopped talking to him and the little problems with Other M but for god’s sakes I just a matter of my preferences… but I’ve tried and I’ve really, really tried… I added him to my buddy list just to make a fucking attempt… but I just feel like the more I try the less I have to say then it gets worse and it all ends up the same way it always did….

And I’m sitting here at 10:33 am feeling like a dog… bitching onto Microsoft word hoping that Victor will see this because I’m too much of a lousy coward to tell it to his face because every time I’ve tried it’s comes out wrong and always goes back to what it use to be…. I don’t want to loose him…. I really don’t want to loose him… he’s all I have and god knows I’m going to pay for this later after I say it…. I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved him before; I’ve risked my parents trust… I’ve given up pay check after paycheck so I could call him and hear his voice… I’ve written letters and all I wanted was one back… that’s it… never anything really special… I’ve gotten laughed at, teased and been tortured because I talked about him and everyone called me a freak again… and I didn’t care about it because I love him… and it felt worth it to me… I’d be okay… there’s other stuff… I don’t trust many people… but I do him and I just wait for him sometimes… when I’m really lonely or bored I’ll wait online for him…just because even if we’re not talking and I see him name on I’m happy… I know I’ve had a lot of bad days and I feel really sorry for all the times where I’ve ruined someone else’s night because I’m a cry baby who can’t take care of herself… I know I’m hard to deal with and I annoy people and I thought that maybe he was special because I could listen to him forever and it’s okay with me I don’t care what it’s about… I just feel like… he says that… he’s felt it falling apart… Well, something happened between us two nights ago…and if he felt it was falling apart why did he do it? Why did it all feel right when it happened and now I feel like I was lied to and tricked… like maybe everything was just another trick to get me to shut up and go away….

Fuck it I don’t even know what to think, I don’t want to assume anything… Fucking LJ entry is almost four god damned pages long of me just letting out what’s making me feel like downing myself… I’m taking a bath… posting this mother fucking thing then god help me… I’m not in the mood to think of Suicide… I just need to get everything out of my mind… I need to forget about everyone and every-damned-thing

the funny thing is… I’m not big into self mutalation… but I do like blood ^.^

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?

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Which type of cutter are you?

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What color of kitten would you be?

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What Self-Mutilation Are You?

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What Element Are You?

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You are The Vampire Marius. An ancient, an intellect, and artist.
(moron who made this one made no picci -.-)

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!