Drugs…a common post name…but of the legitimate variety

Well… I'm off to the dentist in a bit, just for a cleaning but it doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it. I guess it's more that I just want to be done with all this crap already to do with my teeth. It's been a few years now that I've been slowly working on undonig all the damage that was done to me by that jerk. Oh well, that was a long time ago and now I just have to finish cleaning up the mess…. I just wish they didn't have to drug me out for it. It's better that way… much less stressful for everyone and I understand that … but it doesn't mean that part of myself still struggles with that "why me" concept all the time.

Why can't I be like all of the "big people" … now I know thats a figment of my immagination, that "big people" come in all shapes and sizes… and that there is liberation and a lot of other things that come with self acceptance… and a lot of that is stuff that has taken me so long to come to grips with. I still am for a lot of things. It's hard to spend your entire life in hiding and then finally just be able to accept all of that stuff that was so… traumatic… in a short period of time. I'm getting there, I know I am.

It took me a few days, but I finally started the new drug to add to the cocktail … it's suppose to help with some of the side effects from the other crap… I guess that's a good thing… right? But it's another GIGANTIC drug … I mean … some of the crap this thing can do to me is downright freakish… but I know it's going to help make the other less plesant stuff better… and it might even make me feel better too … but it runs the risk of making my tics worse… that alone is enough to make my skin crawl… but we wont know for weeks …

yesterday morning I didn't feel good after I took it, that could be anything and I know that… but at the same time it still scared me… what if I'm not doing the right thing? what if this friend of mine is right and I should try to do a straight up detox and see if that makes things better for me? I'm not sure that a detox is a good idea either… the idea of going off all my medication that it's taken so long to almost get 'right' … but I wonder what might be able to be done better by something else…

it's 9 pills a day… and then I wonder if it's all for the right reasons … is it all for things that I really can't help myself. well…. lemme jump back… I KNOW a lot of them are for the right reasons … dear lord… I know what I'm like off a lot of these things and I just know that this is for the best for me… but there are days … days when I wonder whats going to happen now … or next… or later… or how can I improve myself… or what can I do for and about myself… How can I make my life, and 's life better… and maybe other parts of it too… there are so many things I just want to change or improve … but it's starting, and then consistancy…

and making sure that I take my pills, and trust they're going to help me … not hurt me… is one big step towards that. one big step towards making sure I understand myself…. and accept at least parts of myself…

But for the moment… I just have to get through my teeth cleaning without hyperventalating over how much work I'm going to need done … and through the OVR appointment today … and anything else me and the love of my life decide to do … but if I feel today like I did yesterday after the Wellbutrin then it'll be another day in my wheelchair.

Today was a good day

my car actually started … I looked at beautiful gowns and found one I'm in love with… found out I can sell the one that I don't love and put the money to the one I adore … told my mom about it … and my love is good with us renewing.

my Unemployment got approved… my OVR appointment is tomorrow… oh, and my dentist cleaning … but that's ok too … it's just a cleaning and it's not like I don't know whats going to be coming later in this month… bleck… lots of dental work but at least then it's done. I'm a little scared but at the same time … i know this is going to be for the best… I'm scared optimistic.

truly optimistic … and happy… I think I'm happy…

oh… but the new meds feel weird. I dont know if I like wellbutrin or not.

Talking to priests….

So… after going to church the other Monday … and talking to my mom … we decided to try to see if and I can get our marrage blessed in the church … But we went to talk to the priest today at St. Anne's church … He said that my would need an Annulment because of cannon law… That just doesn't seem fair to me.

when pp His Holyness John Paul 2 made his statement on the family he made it so that marrages can be Convalidated … but I dont know how a marrage that didn't take place in the catholic church could have to be annulled…

we talked about it before we went…

It just makes me so mad and so sad… I've tried to follow the rules my whole life, and I feel like part of why things have been so screwed up for me is because I didn't listen and we did all of this wrong… maybe that was my punishment for it …

I was born into a religion that doesn't like that I'm a girl … and finally decided to push soemthing they were giving me crap for to begin with now that I wanted to try to go into chaplancy. It was a THESIS … it was a STUDY to try to open the minds of close minded people … and then by trying to push this I got my official notice… and yes… they can do it. They can do a form of excommunication on me… It;s just that we went with good intensions… with the right reasons… with all of my research done …and we went with ever intension for change… every blooming thing we could… and I've buried myself in cannon law since last week to make sure I understood what was going into this since I grew up in Catholic school… in Catholic church … but they can do that… they can't do anything about it … but I am here to support my husband … and I'm not going to push him into and Annulment … that's just wrong… and too selfish… it's just awful.

I did what I wanted to do ….I made bad decisions before when I was still younger and still in school … but I want to make things right… I truly want to make right all the things I fucked up….

he, said the idea of an annulment makes him feel sick… because it would be a lie. He married that woman in good faith and they made the best of it … to get it annulled would disrespect himself and the vows he made infront of his family and God. and he said he's do it if I wanted him to do it … but he just doesn't like the idea of it … and he doesn't like the idea of giving up on a marrage that created his kids. So, although the annulment has nothing to do with his kids… it bothers his soul Kids are a gift from god, and he got married infront of God and his family… so he can't say to God "nevermind on that one" … he said it makes his soul feel like he's rejecting his kids… even though it has nothing to do with his kids at all

and he even said he knows it sounds a bit crazy … but it's between him and God. And I can't force that onto someone who so strongly feels that way between himself and God. That is a sacred relationship…

St. Paul spoke about marrage … about Faith, Hope and Love … and how Love is the greatist… if I have to convert then I will… I already contacted the Baptist Church … said we can renew…. and he's fine with it … I want this to be my dream ceremony … I want this to be for US and what WE want and look forward to … not like the last one … not like anything was wrong with it but it's not … it's kinda simple…

I'm ready now… I'm ready for my big girl life now…

my car died

spinning, spinning, spinning in the middle of the road… until I stopped… in the ditch.. on the side… turns out my battery disconnected and then my engine died. I'm ok…but i'll be home until we can afford a new battery… it could be worse. Im just glad it was ok and came to save me… drug me out of the mud and everything… what a hero

Housework, house wife… and scary things…

Bill paying scares me … I don't know how we're going to make this work when it's just Davis working … I'm trying to catch up or eliminate as much as I can but I just don't know what I'm going to do … But… Things are getting caught up… sorta… I've just been trying to make things a bit better while I have the 2 checks left… then I don't know whats going to happen with us and for us until I get back at the Seminary… I guess I just feel like I'm scared.

I'm happy and proud and excited and scared… Scared because i have the dentist coming up next week, and I know I have at least 6 teeth that need to get done … and it's expensive … I want them to be done already because it's been too long and i want healthy teeth again … but it's expensive. I know it's only getting worse because I waited … no more waiting like that… oh, I'm scared over getting my scripts done by the doctors once the benefits run out in 2 more weeks … but that's what PPA is for… they'll help me I think …

I talked to the Lawyer too about disability, I go on the 8th for that… I don't know if I'm happy about that or what… i know it's the right thing to do but i want to have a normal life too …

I need to stop sitting in this house today getting nothing done and be productive and get the wash done and a few other things… the chattering tic is driving me insane today too … its not too bad but i don't like it anyway … ok… time to do a little more inside work and then i'll get my tush into gear to get the rest of the outside work done…

I go meet that lady with the kid with TS tomorrow too at Panera… i dont know if I want to be happy about it or nervous about it. I think I'm happy but i don't want to get overexcited or anything.

Seminary Essay #2

During the summer of 2012 I had the honor and pleasure to be a counselor at the New Jersey Center for Tourette’s Syndrome’s YMCA Camp Bernie family weekend.  This is a  camp to help families of newly diagnosed children, and for established families to meet others and experience normalcy. I was very excited to be not only invited, but to be a cabin supervisor and activity leader for the children with severe symptoms. This continues to be a very proud moment for me. I was given the responsibility to show other families that we are normal people just like anyone else. We have a right to fun, pleasure, happiness and any other that non-disabled people have.

At first, when this opportunity was offered to me I was afraid. I was afraid that my own symptoms would get worse, or that I wouldn’t be the person the staff and campers are looking for.  I almost let those fears convince me not to go. When I talked to my mom she asked me what my ‘little voice’ had to say. My mom is a big believer in following your ‘little voice’, and after being prompted a few more times I explained to her my fears of inadequacy and about meeting other people with this disorder for the first time and my hopes to help make a difference in the lives of others. My desire to be a part of this fantastic community and to make sure that at least one other child will not grow up the same way I did. I learned that by voicing my fears I can give myself the legitimacy that I needed to move beyond them and to start towards this goal.

I arrived at camp and after the close of the first evening’s activities my nerves got to me. I hopped into my car and left the camp but only got as far as the Catholic Church parking lot across the street. I sat there for a few minutes to think about my own fears and what caused me to panic. My first time not being away from home for an overnight trip, being around people with my disorder for the first time, and fear of failure. I realized that without pushing myself further I will never become the person I want to be. I will be trapped in a life without love, passion and adventure.  Most of all, I had to face the reality of other people like myself. I was surrounded by adults and children with my condition when I have never seen them before and it was overwhelming to know for the first time in my life that I am also normal. The same thing I wanted to be able to show others had completely overwhelmed me.

After 20 minutes I returned to camp still wiping the tears from my eyes and rejoined the families in front of the campfire at our cabin. The rest of the weekend was absolutely magical and blessed. The children and I had a wonderful time together sharing our experiences, tics and other adventures on this path that we share. I realized about myself that if I always stay trapped by things that make me scared that I will never move forward into the life I want. Fear is something that is a natural part of growing up. The Divine can even show fear in situations that are overwhelming, or new, or can be painful. The thing I learned is to turn to the Divine and ask for support, and for trust. That I know to trust myself and to trust that my limits are broader than I know they could be, but I need to stretch myself, trust myself, and believe in myself.
Since camp I have become a very active member in the NJCTS and greater Tourette’s syndrome community by being an active listener to people in need and by sharing my life experiences openly when asked. This has become so valuable to me to watch myself grow through the work of others just as I’m growing through sharing my story with them.

Seminary Essay #1

My first experience at seminary was when the Spiritual Formation program was just beginning to bloom. The program was so exciting and I found that I loved being a part of the classes that challenged me to look at myself and the plans the Divine has for me and how I can grow into them. That was the beginning of why I thought that MAPC might be a good program for me. Sadly, I let myself become discouraged by the past and only finished the MATS. I knew there were times when I wasn’t mature enough to handle the responsibility of helping people grow through their struggles, even though my soul felt a strong call to the vocation. I have always had trouble with the idea of taking things slowly and letting the Divine work in me. I would try to rush through the motions to get to the finish line. I had to learn how to slow down and watch the growth within myself and I had to learn to trust that it would happen at the right time. When the time was right I would be able to achieve anything I put my mind to.

This was a journey that took almost three years, but I finally feel ready for the next step on my spiritual journey. I think that learning to work on patience, trust, and listening to the divine all around me will help me pursue this degree because I will be better able to understand how life and faith move together. Sometimes we can have a strong connection to both things and there is great beauty and hope… there can be a dark night of the soul we can become so focused on the darkness around us that we can’t see the beautiful stars above waiting to light our way back to the path. By learning these things about myself I think I can use my understanding and insight to help others find that in themselves and journey together through the divine experience of growth.

As I worked in the retail world, I saw that people don’t understand how important active listening and communicating is. It became painful for me to be a part of that environment. I wanted to communicate with people more openly and know that we were listening through the spirit, and not just through a lens of our own desires and ambition.

Finally, after a torturous weekend I felt a strong calling to go to the local Catholic Church for the 7am weekday mass. The Gospel was a reading from Matthew 25:31-46. The Lord will separate the sheep from the goats and the holy will be with him, and the sinners will be cast away. How we act towards our fellow man is how we act towards the Divine, if we treat them with love then love will be ours in the afterworld, if we treat our fellow human kind with distain that will be our reward as well. This truly spoke to me. It was time for me to step away from being surrounded by the ‘goats’ who do nothing for the weak, hungry, naked, lost, confused and become one of the sheep who offers help and guidance. Instead of just doing work, I need to do the work of the Divine.

After Mass I stopped to speak to the Priest for a few moments and he agreed with me. I have found my call but have been hiding from it and he urged me to answer the call so my soul will have its reward in service.

I decided to resign from that job, and all of the things that go with it. It was the right thing to do as I start to embark on this journey I know that I have made the right decision. I have mentally and emotionally taken the time I needed to mature since I graduated and worked find the peace in the secular world. Now I see after making that great leap of faith that this is a place that I should be. 

My faith experience has been complex and in my journey of self acceptance and self respect I have tried to create a path that would fit me instead of trusting the divine to have a place for me to fit.  I was raised Roman Catholic by a mother who had a very earth-based ideas. She followed many of the practices of Wicca while still attending Catholic Church on Sundays. Because of this, I was allowed to attend as many different churches or religious groups as I would like to explore since all gods are one God and all goddess’s are one Goddess. This has let me find a love for many expressions of religion and for the people who practice them. During my first experience at Seminary I learned so many valuable things about how to listen with gentle ears, and see with gentle eyes to all of the Divine children. This is something that I constantly strive towards and know it will be a goal I will continue to enjoy working towards daily.

My goals after I complete the Pastoral Counseling program is twofold. Firstly, would be to use the skills I learned to achieve my license and work as a counselor and minister to people of faith with disabilities. This is a very personal aspect for my call because I have multiple disabilities. 
From discussions within the Tourette’s syndrome community I have seen how important a relationship to the Divine is. This relationship is something that many in the secular counseling may over look. I believe that it would be an important part of an integrated therapy plan to help address the issues of the connections to the Divine in order to reduce some of the more cognitive symptoms of these disorders. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a very common co-morbid condition and many of us fear of the retribution of God. After much meditation and contemplation I found a strong connection to Saint Paul. Just as he overcame his frailties I can use my own ‘thorn in the flesh’ to find humility, grace and help foster a feeling of peace in myself that can be shared with others.

My other goal for this program is to gain the skills and certifications to become a chaplain in the medical setting.  This is a continuation of my desire to be a part of active ministry that matches my calling. In the past two years I have found myself resting in multiple hospitals, talking to chaplains. As I spoke to them I admired the peace and beauty of their place and my spirit felt content as they talked about their experiences. This became something I wanted my soul to become open towards. I believe that by using my experiences in finding the way the Divine communicated towards me, combined with active listening and a desire to help others find the peace that has come to me I will be able to help others and their families find their own way and path towards inner peace.

I look forward to the challenge of working with people, putting in the time for my license, and the lifetime of learning I will gain from listening to their experiences.

this morning i went to church

…because i thought i'd go yesterday but it just didn't work out for me to do it … so instead I went today. The readings were pointed RIGHT at me … all about people being kind and how if you're a shithead to other people, then you're being a shithead to god. I really liked hearing that it made me feel better about what these idiots did to me at my last job.

so, after it ended I stopped to talk to the Priest about what I should do, because I'm confused and I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore … and I told him the whole story… he suggested I look into being a chaplain … how many flipping times has that come up for me?!?!? seriously!!!  I keep thinking about it too…

maybe it's time….