Drugs…a common post name…but of the legitimate variety


Well… I'm off to the dentist in a bit, just for a cleaning but it doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it. I guess it's more that I just want to be done with all this crap already to do with my teeth. It's been a few years now that I've been slowly working on undonig all the damage that was done to me by that jerk. Oh well, that was a long time ago and now I just have to finish cleaning up the mess…. I just wish they didn't have to drug me out for it. It's better that way… much less stressful for everyone and I understand that … but it doesn't mean that part of myself still struggles with that "why me" concept all the time.

Why can't I be like all of the "big people" … now I know thats a figment of my immagination, that "big people" come in all shapes and sizes… and that there is liberation and a lot of other things that come with self acceptance… and a lot of that is stuff that has taken me so long to come to grips with. I still am for a lot of things. It's hard to spend your entire life in hiding and then finally just be able to accept all of that stuff that was so… traumatic… in a short period of time. I'm getting there, I know I am.

It took me a few days, but I finally started the new drug to add to the cocktail … it's suppose to help with some of the side effects from the other crap… I guess that's a good thing… right? But it's another GIGANTIC drug … I mean … some of the crap this thing can do to me is downright freakish… but I know it's going to help make the other less plesant stuff better… and it might even make me feel better too … but it runs the risk of making my tics worse… that alone is enough to make my skin crawl… but we wont know for weeks …

yesterday morning I didn't feel good after I took it, that could be anything and I know that… but at the same time it still scared me… what if I'm not doing the right thing? what if this friend of mine is right and I should try to do a straight up detox and see if that makes things better for me? I'm not sure that a detox is a good idea either… the idea of going off all my medication that it's taken so long to almost get 'right' … but I wonder what might be able to be done better by something else…

it's 9 pills a day… and then I wonder if it's all for the right reasons … is it all for things that I really can't help myself. well…. lemme jump back… I KNOW a lot of them are for the right reasons … dear lord… I know what I'm like off a lot of these things and I just know that this is for the best for me… but there are days … days when I wonder whats going to happen now … or next… or later… or how can I improve myself… or what can I do for and about myself… How can I make my life, and 's life better… and maybe other parts of it too… there are so many things I just want to change or improve … but it's starting, and then consistancy…

and making sure that I take my pills, and trust they're going to help me … not hurt me… is one big step towards that. one big step towards making sure I understand myself…. and accept at least parts of myself…

But for the moment… I just have to get through my teeth cleaning without hyperventalating over how much work I'm going to need done … and through the OVR appointment today … and anything else me and the love of my life decide to do … but if I feel today like I did yesterday after the Wellbutrin then it'll be another day in my wheelchair.

Today was a good day


my car actually started … I looked at beautiful gowns and found one I'm in love with… found out I can sell the one that I don't love and put the money to the one I adore … told my mom about it … and my love is good with us renewing.

my Unemployment got approved… my OVR appointment is tomorrow… oh, and my dentist cleaning … but that's ok too … it's just a cleaning and it's not like I don't know whats going to be coming later in this month… bleck… lots of dental work but at least then it's done. I'm a little scared but at the same time … i know this is going to be for the best… I'm scared optimistic.

truly optimistic … and happy… I think I'm happy…

oh… but the new meds feel weird. I dont know if I like wellbutrin or not.

Talking to priests….


So… after going to church the other Monday … and talking to my mom … we decided to try to see if and I can get our marrage blessed in the church … But we went to talk to the priest today at St. Anne's church … He said that my would need an Annulment because of cannon law… That just doesn't seem fair to me.

when pp His Holyness John Paul 2 made his statement on the family he made it so that marrages can be Convalidated … but I dont know how a marrage that didn't take place in the catholic church could have to be annulled…

we talked about it before we went…

It just makes me so mad and so sad… I've tried to follow the rules my whole life, and I feel like part of why things have been so screwed up for me is because I didn't listen and we did all of this wrong… maybe that was my punishment for it …

I was born into a religion that doesn't like that I'm a girl … and finally decided to push soemthing they were giving me crap for to begin with now that I wanted to try to go into chaplancy. It was a THESIS … it was a STUDY to try to open the minds of close minded people … and then by trying to push this I got my official notice… and yes… they can do it. They can do a form of excommunication on me… It;s just that we went with good intensions… with the right reasons… with all of my research done …and we went with ever intension for change… every blooming thing we could… and I've buried myself in cannon law since last week to make sure I understood what was going into this since I grew up in Catholic school… in Catholic church … but they can do that… they can't do anything about it … but I am here to support my husband … and I'm not going to push him into and Annulment … that's just wrong… and too selfish… it's just awful.

I did what I wanted to do ….I made bad decisions before when I was still younger and still in school … but I want to make things right… I truly want to make right all the things I fucked up….



he, said the idea of an annulment makes him feel sick… because it would be a lie. He married that woman in good faith and they made the best of it … to get it annulled would disrespect himself and the vows he made infront of his family and God. and he said he's do it if I wanted him to do it … but he just doesn't like the idea of it … and he doesn't like the idea of giving up on a marrage that created his kids. So, although the annulment has nothing to do with his kids… it bothers his soul Kids are a gift from god, and he got married infront of God and his family… so he can't say to God "nevermind on that one" … he said it makes his soul feel like he's rejecting his kids… even though it has nothing to do with his kids at all

and he even said he knows it sounds a bit crazy … but it's between him and God. And I can't force that onto someone who so strongly feels that way between himself and God. That is a sacred relationship…

St. Paul spoke about marrage … about Faith, Hope and Love … and how Love is the greatist… if I have to convert then I will… I already contacted the Baptist Church … said we can renew…. and he's fine with it … I want this to be my dream ceremony … I want this to be for US and what WE want and look forward to … not like the last one … not like anything was wrong with it but it's not … it's kinda simple…

I'm ready now… I'm ready for my big girl life now…

my car died


spinning, spinning, spinning in the middle of the road… until I stopped… in the ditch.. on the side… turns out my battery disconnected and then my engine died. I'm ok…but i'll be home until we can afford a new battery… it could be worse. Im just glad it was ok and came to save me… drug me out of the mud and everything… what a hero

Housework, house wife… and scary things…


Bill paying scares me … I don't know how we're going to make this work when it's just Davis working … I'm trying to catch up or eliminate as much as I can but I just don't know what I'm going to do … But… Things are getting caught up… sorta… I've just been trying to make things a bit better while I have the 2 checks left… then I don't know whats going to happen with us and for us until I get back at the Seminary… I guess I just feel like I'm scared.

I'm happy and proud and excited and scared… Scared because i have the dentist coming up next week, and I know I have at least 6 teeth that need to get done … and it's expensive … I want them to be done already because it's been too long and i want healthy teeth again … but it's expensive. I know it's only getting worse because I waited … no more waiting like that… oh, I'm scared over getting my scripts done by the doctors once the benefits run out in 2 more weeks … but that's what PPA is for… they'll help me I think …

I talked to the Lawyer too about disability, I go on the 8th for that… I don't know if I'm happy about that or what… i know it's the right thing to do but i want to have a normal life too …

I need to stop sitting in this house today getting nothing done and be productive and get the wash done and a few other things… the chattering tic is driving me insane today too … its not too bad but i don't like it anyway … ok… time to do a little more inside work and then i'll get my tush into gear to get the rest of the outside work done…

I go meet that lady with the kid with TS tomorrow too at Panera… i dont know if I want to be happy about it or nervous about it. I think I'm happy but i don't want to get overexcited or anything.