the people at my work…

were teasing me all day about getting pregnant and about sex… they keep telling me that there’s like no reason for us to not be pregnant or have kids already…so Dianne comes up to me today and she looks at me and puts one hand on my belly and the other on my back and wants to know when we’re going to have a bun in my oven… because the bakery is ready for a baby… i was HORRIFIED… shocked… something…. it was wild to me … it kept going when i got back downstairs it was all about sex and Yoli needing to see the karma sutra because SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT IS…. it was something nuts to me… like, shes 30!!!

but everyone was wicked teasing me … they thought it was fun and then im told im the one with the big mouth, i would love to just be able to be totally quiet.

…i dont know what else to put in here today… i meant to post yesterday, but after working sooo long today i forgot. we have to be in really early tomorrow too but the nap was nice we took.

oh… class is going to be a trip this year…

oh i know… but i need to get a picture of it first. we redid the living room … moved the furnature and got a new stand for the TV . its really nice!!! 

why is it that i love sailor moon just as much now as i did when i was 8 years old? … i want more DVD’s of it… I’ve had only one for the longest time…and i know it every single word… i dont know what my thing is about it… its totally dorky and i know stupid…. but its weird and i love it…

Darn stomach flu

…ugh im so glad its gone… first davis gets it then i got it and we’ve both been miserable … on the good side though…. right before we both got sick we took home our Christmas present to ourselves… a brand new 42 inch flat screen TV!! its so neat… i only got to really watch it once before i started puking and flopped in bed for 2 days… but its still really neat… now if we could just get the rest of this house in order…

we’ve spent some time talking about my mom again… thats always hard for me to do because i know what all this stuff has done to him at the same time its difficult for me to do something other than what i was taught to do. It takes work

I’m so excited that Sara is pregnant… and that rita is pregnant…that brits son will be a year old… and that Darci just had a baby (who i still have stuff to mail to … i suck at mailing things… its not that im a liar, im just soooo busy)…. its making me clucky as hell… our time will come soon… it has to… it really, really, really has to come soon….

school just started too… but since the snow closed the seminary today … and i was sick as all hell monday thats 2 of 4 classes i got to miss this week… just a lot more work to catch up on …

dunno… somehow i never thought id be one of the first ones to get married… or one of the first ones to get married. I love it… i just wish my mom wasn’t so weird… or that i wasn’t such an enabler.

Writer’s Block: Peevish

in the walk-in cooler at my store the patisserie has a silver rack that they leave in there… and one of the closers at the end of the night always puts the product to be thrown away on that rack instead of actually throwing it away… she says its because shes too weak to lift it … but that’s not the problem.. the problem is that these old fruit tarts sit on the rack FOR DAYS OR EVEN A WEEK OR MORE AT A TIME before they get thrown out. …the longest time they’ve been sitting there is 18 days and i’m not throwing them out anymore

my pet peeve is old rotten fruit tarts on a rack in the cooler for days at a time… and the lazy people who don’t get rid of them


There i times i look back on the past 4 years and think life was allright, now i look back and see what really went wrong, what happened… how it happened… we lost something so important to us because of things that were done so very wrong… and there’s nothing that can be done to make it right…. but i tried this morning, and we tried before by sending the money in but it was too late…

my mother…

kackersmom (2:08:29 PM): what are u doing all day
HereNow GoneL8er (2:11:07 PM): i did some decorating for Davis’ birthday, went over to my store to find out how much cleaning we have to do, went over to the seminary to find out about my FAFSA and about the new paperwork i need to get filled out
HereNow GoneL8er (2:11:24 PM): i had to reorder one of my books and then get the other ones for group formation
kackersmom (2:12:56 PM): ok
HereNow GoneL8er (2:13:29 PM): everyone is  complaining that one of Dr.Kims books is out of print
HereNow GoneL8er (2:13:32 PM): and she said she doesn;t care
kackersmom (2:13:38 PM): doesnt it feel unsettling to have two separate lives?
HereNow GoneL8er (2:13:53 PM): what are you talking about?
kackersmom (2:14:16 PM): well normally ones life all blends together but u have the whole davis dimension
kackersmom (2:15:37 PM): then u have your parents but the more i think about it  you probably see it totally reversed because that is what u do who u are who u see and i am not around  so nothing blends but the more i type the more i realize to u that is ur life so i guess the answer is no

kackersmom (2:17:35 PM): well in my head i keep trying to understand why u never have any time for me  and i guess i forget the answer is your life is there and u feel our priorities are there and your choices are there
kackersmom (2:17:48 PM): your not our
HereNow GoneL8er (2:19:33 PM): I feel like i dont know where i am going or what im doing right now. Like I am going in 10 million directions and i cant figure out where to go.But i do not need to defend my choices for who im seeing and not seeing.
HereNow GoneL8er (2:19:56 PM): So i think it seems like im spening more time everywhere else when raelly im just spending a lot of time by myself running in circles and trying to figure out where to go
kackersmom (2:19:59 PM): u do what u want u want to do…..everone does
kackersmom (2:20:54 PM): i should just give it up i know.  sound like a pest i know.  i just feel in my defense u get my hopes up and then nothing ever comes of it – know what i mean?
HereNow GoneL8er (2:21:52 PM): yes i know what you mean. and i know im a terriable daughter and i screw everything up. and i am unaccountable and i’ve heard it from everyone lately because i feel like im loosing my mind. You just dont hear what im saying you just dont listen. I’m trying to tell you something about what bothers me and its not about that!!! its never about that! Why cant it be that I feel this way and need something else … but it never can be what i feel can it
HereNow GoneL8er (2:21:59 PM): all i can do is KEEP TRYING to get it all together
HereNow GoneL8er (2:22:08 PM): thats all i can do and its never good enough for anyone but its all i can do
kackersmom (2:22:17 PM): i dont beleive i ever said u were a tge terrible anything ..ever ever
HereNow GoneL8er (2:22:29 PM): well thats how i feel sometimes
HereNow GoneL8er (2:22:47 PM): like all i do is screw everything up because i dont know what to do with this degree or how to get it all done on time and everything else.
HereNow GoneL8er (2:22:49 PM): so i just go ballistic
kackersmom (2:22:51 PM): and i dont know why u are feeling like u are going nuts now when class in not in session and u arent working l000 hours
kackersmom (2:23:22 PM): i dont know what u are taling about when u say EVERYONE  either
HereNow GoneL8er (2:24:38 PM): i just get overwhelmed knowing school is starting again , its just me. Nevermind…
kackersmom (2:24:41 PM): u put too much pressure on yourself for school and u know u do well and yes u work hard…..and believe me i really really try to leave u alone but i have feelings too.  i even went and bought my own terra tints yesterdayy instead of bothering u about it
HereNow GoneL8er (2:25:48 PM): yes i put too much pressure on myself


I got off the phone with Riss a minute ago… she called me to tell me that Bryan killed himself sunday….I just saw him saturday… we were talking…he seemed fine and god knows that is no indicator…. but my god… he was only 23… that smile could get you to do anything and those blue eyes. He started teaching recently… primary school and he started another job and none of us knew anything was wrong…. and now hes gone…

I miss him already…. the wake is tomorrow and xtina, riss and i are going.


the guy is coming to fix the dishwasher today … I cant wait… i hate washing dishes … i mean… really really hate… with passion… lol. I just hope he gets here before Davis goes to work. I dont feel like dealing with it and that’s really wrong of me that i don’t feel like it but still