I got all dressed up for studie, just like she wanted. And the one day I really, really want to sing something she doesn’t even pick me. She always says I’m going to sing. Everyone has to sing. But I never get picked. I’m just not fast enough… I just don’t get up.

I don’t have a pianist. I don’t want to have Martian play for me when he’s got other people to play for. It just drives me crazy… I just really wanted to sing for once. Just to get all of this shit out of my system.

The Rufus Wainwright version of this song just wasn’t enought for me today. Kristian said it best once “Sometimes you just need the sound of a full choir.”

Its true, sometimes to get yourself to just sob your eyes out you just need that sound of a full choir singing “Hallelujah” maybe even some miserable sounding Tom Waits today. I have no idea right now. I just got really sad in studio and frustrated in guitar. I just got everything at the same time and just wanted to run away from all of them. How pathetic is this?!

~*~

Sean came back to bother me today. he’s just insane and I can’t take him anymore. He’s always comming in here and i know hes got a right. but if he’d stop being such a pervert ALL The time … I’m just so tired of his antics… i guess they could be called antics… he’s so annoying and disgusting and acts like an idiot . He’s writing songs about feeding the squrells and them biting him and all of this other crap. How peanuts are too salty and he’s giving them to the animals and one scratched him and he never got it checked. I think he’s a manaiac. I mean that too.

~*~

There is a dress rehersal tonight from 6:30 to 8:30 and its a 1/2 hour walk to the damn thing… and the masque is tonight… 9 to midnight. I definately won’t be there that long.

La entrada!!


It was my dream comming true now, it was the realization that I would see him for the first time face to face. Everything I saw in the dreams, everything that Kismete told me seemed to be empty words now. THis was going to be his story! My Story! I had to pay attention to the road, to this feeling that pulled me and my car towards this small town far away from my home in Princeton, it scared me how the farther and farther I went the more and more rural it became, I knew the area I was in… Hunterdon county…

He lived in a small town. They were all small towns around here, I feel like an idiot actually writing that down now. I never found out the name, something with an “L” but what does it really matter, I just knew how to get there. It was a gut instinct. Rt. 22 took me there, i felt myself feeling drawn deeper and deeper into his mind and into his story as I drove closer. Past the pharmisitucal company, past the garden center. To this access ramp

“Busness Center”

This little darkened and rather worn down main street was the busness center? IT was dark even for night time, the trees were all overgrown. ‘just like home.’ I thought to myself. This is not a place you’d fall inlove with. I had no idea what I would see when I drove down that street and my apprehendsion called me to pull onto cherry street. it lead out to a resivor but I didn’t go any farther, I just stopped.

This place was sad to me, there was an adandonded house, there were so many things that seemed so much like the other little towns in this place, those places no one cared about anymore. People lived here, this was an affluent area. How could an affluent area look so much like this.

I reverced my car and kept going, it can’t be much farther. This road can’t go much farther. Past these houses, a doll house store, open space. a construction store. and I had to slow down, there was a dirt road off to the side of the main road. the only marking that their might be another house there was a broken down wooden frame that must have held a sign once. I took a deep breath and turned down the road.

the broken asphalt and gravel made the road jagged, and their was a yellow house to my one side, and the construction company to my other. before me was the darkest road I had ever seen, no lights, no sounds, just my car alone.

J.Cs bad awfulday


Ugh. Today is just going down hill from last night… I know that seems funny to start a bad awful day yesterday night. But it did start lastnight.

Sean found out that it was me behind fucking us his picture, but I talked my way out of it. It was mean what I did but he asked for it, because he’s crazy. But he took it back and now he wants to get people back for it, he insane. It was a computer print out of him in a sparklie shirt and bell bottomed pants. It deserved to be ripped down…

Lindsay came back. She went home to go to the doctor and she came back again! Why couldn’t she just stay home and get better! Get a note from your own doctor! I was sick and I went home and stayed there for 3 days. I liked having the window open and having freedom. I know she’s not here that often, but thats beside the point… she shouldn’t be here to get me sick.

and now onto today… MY head hurts from crying my eyes out on the phone with my mommy… I hate music, I never want to do it again. I don’t want to sing, I don’t want to play. I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I hate it I hate it I hate it! I mean that too.

My Theory class is killing me. I just don’t understand how I could have had this class before and now I’m doing so badly in it. It should just work! I shouldn’t be wanting to kill myself because of it. I just hate it so much… and I’m trying to pass it. But I can’t go into the practice rooms because everyone down there is so loud, and they’re all so much better than me at everything, and I feel so out of place down there trying to do some work and they’re all… my god… They all sound so good and then there’s me!

I just want to pass everything and do well… I just want to get out of this school and be free again. I’m dying here. I’m really dying here. I’m tired of sitting and spinning in nutral. Why is everyone getting good grades in theory and I’m doing so badly!

MY mommy is comming to see me after Choir because I’m so miserable here. Maybe I can find a way to get out of going to winds. I hate winds. and tonight I have to work on other projects that are due and I don’t want to do them. Its writing up a lesson plan for my guitar & Recorder class. Its due tomorrow afternoon and I need to do well in that too so I can do well in that and just be freed!

But choir is in a few minutes, more like 10 and I have to be there and be ready… I just want to get out of here… so, there will be more of Juliets Bad Awful day later… but I need to try and get a grip so I can go to choir and pretend everything is ok again.

And everyone should listen to this song. ITs really good

~*~

okay — that first post was at about 1pm… my mommy came after that and we walked to Quiznos and got food and I got to talk to her and tell her what was bothering me. We’re all excited that I’m at the downward fall of this crappy school year and I’ll be away from the worst roommate ever.

I need to work on La Entrada more. I always feel better when i can work on it.

Damn


My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
chantel goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as a butterfly.
angelys tricks you! You get a dead frog.
aximilij tricks you! You get a wet rag.
beckon tricks you! You get a clothespin.
eightysix tricks you! You get a block of wood.
glitterbats gives you 11 purple apple-flavoured jelly beans.
hyougitsune tricks you! You lose 7 pieces of candy!
immortallover tricks you! You get a scratched CD.
littlepoet12281 gives you 1 dark blue orange-flavoured gummy fruits.
lost_lullaby gives you 15 blue coconut-flavoured wafers.
nakedmen tricks you! You get a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
chantel ends up with 20 pieces of candy, a dead frog, a wet rag, a clothespin, a block of wood, a scratched CD, and a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.


I am so glad I’m not a guy. They can be so weird sometimes…

I really need to post more too and i keep saying this too. but at least I’m getting somwhere right?!

I’ve gotten most of my applications in and Im’ so happy about that. I just have to get moravian college in and then Im’ done forever! well, at least until I change my mind again! i hope that I get in somewhere good. i’m really excited about the potential for that. I’m really excited about this whole Physical Therapy thing. I can’t wait.

Just getting out of rider university, you know? I really hate everything that has to do with Rider. Westminster is the biggest problem on this list.

Moving right along though. I got my grades, Im’ really happy about that. I’m doing so well. I need to do a little practicing tonight and tomorrow for some test that I’m going to have in theory on friday. I just need to pass that class well. THats all I want out of this school.

Anyway!!! I’m kinda running out of things to say!!! I’m doing a good job not biting my nails too much! I kinda slipped today when the one broke, but its not like I’m doing what I did before!

So I’ll end this now!

Night

Today


You gotta love how borring thursdays are… I just wish Semagic worked on my laptop, its driving me crazy. So I’m posting on here, the online cliant.

I really can’t think of too much to post about really, I just wanted to post…. Just because

The good news is I might be getting a new roomie, but I’ll post all about it tomorrow when I’m home and on the offline cliant, when i can take 10 years and do all this cool stuff that I want to do…

Right now my ribs/lungs are hurting me… I dunno why.

27 minutes left at work — I am random — The contents may be under pressure


Last night was cool even though I was miserable a lot of the day…

I watched Van Helsin with the girls and Ian & Tom. They watched interview the night before and didn’t tell me! How not fair is that!!! I just feel bad now that i’m leaving and I’m finally starting to love the people here… well, I always loved them. Its just the classes that suck

And John had to deal with me on a sugar high last night — Sorry Johnny

I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here, I don’t want to be here anymore…not because it sucks, but just because I want to go home and see him and see my mommy and eat real food and do all those great things that you can only do when you’re home. Like use your own bathroom and have privacy, and not a roommate that locks you out

This is a great story —

Emily and Irene live in 107 — Chrissy and Amanda live in 108 — I live in 114 with Lindsay That is right across the hall from Emily and Irene in 107 and Diagnol from Chrissy and Amanda in 108

I go across the hall into room 107 to watch Van helsin. Lindsay is in the room and I left the ball game on **GO SOX** she leaves to go to the pub AND LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. This is the girl that didn’t know what a lock WAS until my mom showed her! How stupid is that, so I had to go pee and I couldnt get into my room to get my shower shoes, or shoes in general … I called her phone once to twice and she never answered

Em was kind enough to let me use her shoes, so I brought popcorn and things to the movie, I need to get DVDs that are cool… I never watch movies… and someone went and tracked down lindsay… who unlocked the door and let me in. Why is it the one day that I actually leave the room to do something she gets some form of sence?! I always put my keys up on my key holder on the wall, you can ALWAYS see where my keys are. If she just looked over she could see if I was keyless or not

and all of this happened AFTER I dumped **ON ACCIDENT** Nailpolish remover INTO my keyboard and speaker of my laptop. That sucked. That computer is like mine and Johns baby!!! I think its ok… I tried to get everything out and dried it off with Ems hair drier, and its still working. but for a minute there I thought everything was going to burst into flame and we would all die from the sent of hot nailpolish remover before we died of the fire — Lindsay only cared that the window was open and that REAL OXYGEN was getting into the room — not that my computer could like … kill everyone

yeah — that was the straw that made me go to the lounge and watch the game in there… we were winning in the 6th… but I was gone to watch that movie. They need to keep me updated and I told them about that!!! I want to get out more… maybe there’s gonna be a run to hoagie haven tonight… Chrissy always wants to go. I swear to god I’m going to get fat, **even though I’m not eating that much**

Can dead sugar highs come back the next day while you’re typing an LJ post at work? Does anyone think thats possiable? All I’m doing is breaking lab policy by eating corn pops and working at the same time. No food or drink they say. Are cornpops an actual food? I think of them are moer in their own catagory… kinda like Spam … and Beef jerky that they sell at the gas station with the little cheese stick next to it.

I need to make a little foxxie emoticon for “RANDOM” **9:46 am**

the rest of my day will probably go as followes

10-11:30 — Jerry Springer and Maury
11:30-12:30 — Musicanship
1-2:30 — Chaple choir
4:30-5:30– instrumental praxis (HAHAAHAHAHA)

and probably Takewondo with Chris tonight and some kind of talk with Sean about me telling him “No thanks, sorry. Won’t go out with you.” I’ll post about that when I get back to my room. I’m not sure if I did or not.

5 minutes left of work — yay — this place sucks. I JUST WANT TO GET PAID ALREADY

i’m gonna go get my stuff in order — Seeya back in my room

::End Transmission::

About my father


This post calls for some seriously loud Tom Waits music…. or “Push” by Matchbox 20… something like that…

and now for our feature presentation…

I had to go back to school today, lets not dwell on that point though, its was a really good fall break though. I saw Johnny a lot and went to homecomming… that was so AWESOME. I’m gonna scan my pictures soon and I’ll psot them in here when they’re all done! This morning my mom got me up at about 8… I had my interview with TCNJ this morning at 10:30 and its like … an hour drive to get there, so that means me getting up at 8 and trying to make myself look like I’m human. Not to hard… and thats okay… I was all excited for the interview I really want to get in there, not only is a dirt cheap, close and pretty I just like the school. So yeah..

By we go out to pack up the car and things like that and as I’m trying to put stuff in there my father starts barking at me about how I can’t jsut put things in there, they have to be in an order or everything won’t fit…. All that was going in there was my big black bag, a small cooler, a bag with my blanket in it and 2 plastic grocery bags… and my guitar in the backseat. its not like we were trying to pack EVERYTHING I OWN… but I just go with it because I don’t want to start some huge fight.

Then it starts

My father goes to take a look at how I pulled the car into the small side of the garage yesterday… I went out with Johnny just to get out of my fucking stressful house, (he’s going to be gone next weekend thank god.. so there’s going to be a little peace finally) but it got pulled in crooked, now I know I’m not the best at pulling that car into that side of the garage, I don’t know why… but he starts getting on me about it telling me to come over and look at it about 500 times and I can’t do that and all this shit, and I tell him ok, I’ll do it better next time.

but it doesn’t end there, I say that I know I did it wrong and I’ll do it better next time and he just starts yelling and I just snap back “OK!” and I go to go inside to get away from it… and he slamms the trunk of the car and screams at me that I’m a bitch and he hates me. He called me a bitch! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! I just smalled the door and he’s screaming at me and I just went inside to get my gloves and I just started to cry and my mom and him started to scream at eachother

he kept saying what I bitch I am and it was just not fait, I just went inside and sat in the living room and just started crying and feeling worthless about it and I’m so tired of the screaming. My mom came inside and told me that she told him off and he was totally out of line and I didn’t deserve it… She said he’s crazy and she thinks its him being out of work. Thats totally insane… he always takes it out on me, always and forever takes it out on me, I hate it. She even started talking about divorcing him… but I know she won’t. I’m just so tired of this!!!!!

he did it again yesterday too when Johnny was there and he started it BEFORE johnny got there too and it just dives me crazy that he’s always screaming at me and taking everything out on me but would never do that to his first child! He’d never take it out on Mark! NEVER EVER!

adn if he ever asked me what my problem would be I would tell him that he always liked Mark best! everyone best… everyone better than me! I FUCKING HATE THAT

he always talkes so nice about me behind my back but never says anything nice to my face, he never talks to me, NOTHING. EVER! he yells at me! He punishes me! and then he uses me to make himself sound good!

So we drove here in silence… he drove here and we never spoke a word, not even when we stopped for breakfast. I was just like “fuck you.” I don’t hate him… I don’t … I just… I just hate so much of what he does… but I can’t talk to him, he won’t listen to me. He doesn’t treat me like he’d even consider listening to me

he E-mailed me one day saying it was hard for him watching his little girl being taken away by another man… He pusehd me away first. He was talking out of his ass one day to me. He said that I was through with him and I just felt terriable… and I snapped at him that I just told him that he was through with me long, long before that… I just told him in a few short words that he quit on me before he had a chance to know me. He never gave me a chance. He never wanted to know about me or who I was or anything.

I just don’t know abotu him… I’d love to get to know him, I’d love to get to know about who he was as a kid, who he was before he met my mother… I know about my mother, I know why she is the way she is… but he’s a mistery to everyone. He cried the day I moved out.

I’m going to stop posting and finish this later… It damn hurts to post…