Monthly Archives: April 2009

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i feel like i just posted about this


… i weighed myself today

…. CRY

…this should be ok with me by now, it really should be ok with me … i know im not FAT…but sometimes i miss being smaller than i am because of my weird ass body image and things … everyone would be upset with me if i did anything to fix it … i just eat junk … today i had 2 hotdogs… a 1/2 a turkey sandwitch… 2 munchkins, a 100 callory pack of sun chips … and i want my mini apple too…

and i hate playing doctor phone tag

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my job


sometimes i think Wegman’s is really overrated … and i guess today is one of those days. i am so tired of being called names, so tired of being called stupid … so tired of someone who gave up being management… more likely was fired … telling me off and then giving me shit because he wasn’t there when i took the damn order. i followed the pricing guide… i asked a real manager… so shes my good friend and i know its wrong and i think she does too and so does everyone else but i dont know what the hell else i could have done

they told me to tell the people no about anything like that… it was a cake with chocolate pudding and raspberries that caused all this hell.. thats all.. not the end of the world or anything … but i didn’t price it how THEY would have … the guide says FRESH FRUIT… ti doesn’t just say strawberries… so what was i suppose to do!? guess?! raspberries are 2/$6.00 lately … and they put 6 in … i charged $12 for the fruit, $6 for the pudding and then the $21 for the cake … thats all the guide told me to do… and then another $5 for the time the decorators have to put in to do it even though its nothing because all they have to do is open cartons and dump! 

so i get screamed at… because i charged too little and i dared to talk back … its bad enough loudmouth had to be so loud THE WHOLE STORE COULD PRACTICALLY HEAR HIM… but its worse that he says and so does his cohort that he likes me!! they said they care about me and then they do this nonsence. i dont understand it … they say they do it because they care but its the same to me as my father beating the crap out of me, hurting me… screaming at me and making me hyperventalate to the point that i cant even get over it BECAUSE HE LOVES ME… shut up! theres no reason to scream at me… there is no reason to make me look dumb infront of the other people in the department even if there are only 6 others there

…and i cried… i went into the cooler and cried. .. so vicki and i talked when donald went to get fruit and i told her my problems… and that they care about me …told me again and that being friends with riss is bad …and she shouldn’t have put me in the middle like this … and they know that i am caught there because they want me to do one thing and they know that i know better than to do dumb things and this was dumb even if they told me to do it …

so i had not much to say for the rest of the day, but by the time i went to lunch 45 minutes before i was set to go home i had to talk and was again…. even if i didnt want to … now im home wating for Davis so we can snuggle … and just have some time alone …

…oh, and everyones freaking about SWINE FLU… blah

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sigh


Donna … one of  ‘s coworkers wanted me to do the birthday cake for her first grandchild… so of course i said yes and had this great plan and we did it together and it was beautiful … and on the way there it proved the head was a bit too heavy and when we were going on the bumpy back roads the whole thing just died… the ear fell off first 1/2 way there… and we stopped but thought it would be ok with some icing… then when the body failed in donnas drive way… les sighs

so we went to giant and talked to donna and got a kit and tomorrow im going to make a new cake for her … not like what she wants but it is a cake… i could cry that was so much money and work … but i have a lot of stuff i can take back to the store tomorrow… or whenever i get around to it …

oh… and the period from hell is finally over. Started last friday and didnt end until yesterday … shit …. really.

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wanting to cry


I looked at our savings account and cried today…. and i thought of my stocks and i cried today too… well i wanted to cry, i feel like i’m about to cry but i have so much to do and so much ive not gotten done yet that i don’t think i have it in me to cry…

 off to the store now to mail things and to get things and to just … things… i dont want to but the bills need to get paid … and i don’t know … need to have this NT paper done by midnight … i have 4 pages without all the connecting junk yet… it will get done … but now i have to run and do these things…

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Walter didn’t know about the meeting today

Bardsley cant be my reader because shes on leave next year

otto still hasn’t replied to me ….

NOW WHAT DO I DO?! …. drop this shit and deal with it wednesday

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Thesis….


<–… this is remmyfish, and he looks guilty. haha! my fish looks guilty… He thinks he ate my thesis. Really just the faculty ate it and spit it out… but i got approved today… i was horrified though because they told me that i had spelling and gramatical problems in it …and made a blanket statement they cannot believe in and they dont like it and it needs to be fixed… but the idea of spelling and grammer mistakes really made me sick because i know   is a fantastic editor…and there was no reason for them to tell me that there was stuff wrong with it. I had to e-mail Otto (my advisor) and tell him that i just dont understand it. I truly just dont understand it …

It was an hour meeting of hell for me today… and i woke up sick this morning and that was at 6, then fell asleep back at 7 or so for an hour… but felt like hell… and my  didnt sleep at all last night either because he was stressing and fretting and making me worry about him more than i ususally do… because i worry about him anyway… but i got up again… put on a dress YES I WORE A DRESS… and went to my meeting. So i get there and Mwakalinga and I are sitting in the other room… and we were talking for a little bit on what to do oh, I saw walter today too and we talked for a few minutes about how things are going to be fine and i dont have to worry … and i am allowed to apply for a workstudy job for next year and help out with the new kids to the college and be a tec assistant. I dont really know how this is going to fit in with my Wegmans schedule… but it just has to fit in… 

Otto comes to get me and apologies to me for not being in touch with me over the weekend … then i got to start feeling a little nervious because i thought that there has to be something else going on for him to be telling me ‘I’m sorry’ before anything even happens. He tells me that its going to be fine and its going to be approved and then we’ll talk more after the meeting and it should only take 20 minutes, but i knew that wasn’t going to be quick and easy…

The facultyt was worried because i told them that i had to work last week… that was last week, and i got today off… it took a little trouble to get the day off since i have a new TL now … but i have to go in tomorrow at 5am… thats going to suck… but anyway. They let me go in first and that was really hard because they were all sitting there with their laptops and i just thought that i know what they feel like now. so i sat down between Grace and Glen and we started to talk… and it was an hour of hell! The talking wasn’t the problem, it was when they got to this part where they had to tell me what was wrong with it … i made one big blanket statement … that although was true wasn’t something they wanted to hear from me and they made me feel little about it… i know thats what they had to do. And then Deborah [director of the MATS program] …told me that there were spelling and grammer problems in it !!! and the others agreed… but the worst part was when Otto told them that he realized that he sent them THE WRONG DRAFT… he sent them the 2nd to final draft so they were missing the hard copies they were suppose to have… and had the wrong digital copy!! 

so i felt not only unprepared and stupid… but i felt totally confused! they tell me they like it, and that its very interesting and that its good… and to go outside for them to deliberate…. so i go back to the other room and talk to Mwakalinga again and he tells me its going to be fine and he gets to go into the meeting 3rd and that i dont have to worry anymore. He was right … otto comes back in after 10 or so minutes and tells me that I’m good to go, but we have to talk again and that i need a new reader because Walter is very busy and that makes me feel very very sad… i wanted walter to be my reader but hes reading 5 other projects this semester and his classes and other things. what the hell else was i suppoes to say other than OK.

so i e-mailed Otto about my project and i hope FOR ONCE HE GETS BACK TO ME IN A TIMELY MATTER….and then i’ll have something more to say about that too …

…. what else …

i have to make wicked progress on Donnas cake tomorrow after i get out of work at 11, its going to be a huge project and i need to do the last of my setup tonight …get the table up and sanatized and the board assembled and a few other things so i can just get to work tomorrow… ok… i’ll end this now because this is a very long post for me lately … maybe its only because im in class…

pictures of the cake eventually too… i think… always say there are going to be pictures but this is the first one ive ever done.

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worried about my guy


we had a longish talk the other day about being there for EACH OTHER … and just that i want to feel like i can actually do something for and with him.. Last night was one of those times. He wanted us to stay but i could see him getting sicker and sicker from the bracelets and the other nonsense.

I will never think of my guy as anything other than wonderful, amazing… and someone i love. I’d rather be home with him, or anywhere with him that i know he will be healthy … and as happy as he can be… and i know hes miserable a lot of the time… and so much of its because of things I’ve done.

So i’m just glad that hes ok… thats so much more important to me than a concert or anything else… I love him.

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ThirdEye blind


I’ve been trying not to say anything because I’m a bit supersticious … but earlier in the month I got tickets to see THIRD EYE BLIND and they’re comming to Moravian too so its really ,really close! I’m so excited I cant wait to see them… the last time i did I was in HighSchool and my father took me and i had some fun but not as much as i might have had with my mom or someone else…

I just cant wait to go, its going to be Amazing! … I just hope Davis likes them, I’m not sure if he knows who they are but I know ive listened to 3EB around him some … the old stuff is really well known…

i should get back to homework… ihave so much to do and that cake for donna !

I cant wait to post after the show all about it … or i’ll back date it … work early tomorow and my thesis desision is monday… maybe i’ll post the proposal once its approved too … I’m just really happy and excited today