‘Cause i’m hanging on every word you say
and even if you don”t wanna speak tonight
it’s allright, allright with me

‘Cause I want nothing more
than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to you breathing
it’s where I wanna be… yeah.

~*~

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove and
It’s You and me and all of the people and
I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you

~*~

These foolish things…


yes yes, I know, mindless crap, Blame Adilya

~*~

10 Favorites…
Favorite Color: Midnight Blue and White
Favorite Food: I don’t like food
Favorite Band: The Goo Goo Dolls
Favorite Movie: “Over the Hedge” & “Lady and the Tramp”
Favorite Sport: Taekwon-Do
Favorite Season: Spring, the iris bloom then
Favorite Day Of the Week: Monday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Strawberry

9 Currents…
Current Mood: Lonely
Current Taste: Nothing
Current Clothes: Parahute skirt, red tanktop
Current Computer: My mothers Gateway
Current Finger/Tonail polish: nothing yet… I’ll get to it eventually and it will be clear
Current Time: 21:00
Current Surroundings: The usual office stuff
Current Annoyance(s): …My mother

8 Firsts…
First Best Friend: I never had one until recently
First Screen Name: SugahFly13 or Julaya Na (I don’t remember anymore)
First Pet: Hermit Crabs
First Piercing: My ears in April ^^
First Crush: Brian T
First time kissed: 14

7 Lasts…
Last Cigarette: …Does a joint count? 2 years
Last Drink: too long ago…
Last ride: To Clinton
Last Movie Seen: “Over the Hedge”
Last CD Played: The Goo Goo Dolls – Gutterflower

6 Have You Ever….
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Yes
Have you ever Broken the Law: yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: I want to
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes, multiple times
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn’t Know: yes

5 Things….
You Did Last Night:
1. Put the fan in my room
2. picked up my room
3. watched Tv
4. Talked to Davis for about 8 hours or something
5. Tried to sleep

4 Places You’ve Been Last…
1. Dunkin’
2. Home
3. Clinton
4. computer

3 People you can tell anything to:
1. Davis
2. ~
3. ~

2 Choices…
1. night or day: night
2. blunt or bong: Blunt…definatly blunt

1 Person You’d Do Anything For:
1. I can’t name one person, because the one I am thinking about it’s not only about that one person. It’s about that one person and his kids, because they all mean the world to me and I cannot say I’d do anything for the one without saying that for them too. It’s part of that love thing. I just wish that I was ready to to that anything right now… at this moment.


I just started crying in the shower. I started to think, it’s not a dangerous pasttime of mine but its one of those things that happens when I get to be alone and know that the chances of someone walking around and finding me are slim.

I started to think about how summer vacation is symbolic of death, I know it sounds strange but really… thats how it is for me. It feels like everytime I say good bye to him its the last time i’m ever going to see him again and I have so many things I want to change but I wasn’t ready to work on… Now I’m getting closer and closer to ready but I want to do so many things before I…

Before I embark on my new life, Before I leave Juliet Michelle behind and become Juliet Chantel I want to do things he tells me are impossiable. I want to get myself to a place that i’m comfortable with here, Anyone whos been reading my posts for the past 5 years knows that I like to have ends tied, saudered, Glued … you get the point.

Like with Doug a few years back… I wanted to just end it cleanly. I know it’s pretty impossiable for that to happen the way I want it to but it’s something that I can explain later on as putting the last of my energy into.

somehow I’m going to find a way to apologise to the two people who I need to say it to. I had the chance to tell one of them that I really, really wanted to be somewhere…but I couldn’t. You don’t explane those things yet, not until you’re asked and then try ..

I’ll post more later

work sucks.


work sucked… she said i’d get a schedule that i asked for and its not it … i have to go through more training tomorrow… its all bullshit…

i had a migrane for almost 2 days and its finally goneish but i don’t want it to come back

Davis came to see me at work… he waited for me… i love him so much…

Yesterday today whatever


Today… I got up, went downstairs only to have my wearabouts intterogated about how did I put 80 miles on the car when they were at the weddding. I don’t like it and I’m sick of it. It’s not their business where I’m going as long as i pay for my own gas and don’t get killed.

okay… I don’t want to talk about that … or yesterday… but yesterday was one of those things… I got out of work, checked on the dog and headed to his store to visit him and everythng was allright for a while but i started to get that feeling when i was driving too but i got there… and things were okay…

But while I was there things started to get funny and i started to feel funny and he told me to go back over to his department and sit down. So i went to a part thats a little secluded and hid there to flip through a paint book and hope it passes but it didn’t and I had a few little ones when i was sitting there.

I was scared … I was alone and scared…but there were a lot of people in the store… he ended up paging me to find me but i couldn’t move i was stuck in the chair i was sitting in. I hated it… i was scared…

He found me but i couldn’t move and I didn’t want him to be stuck taking care of me when he was at work because thats not why i went there… i went there to see him…

we ended up going into the breakroom where i just felt worse for being in the way… I love him so much and i just want to get to take care of myself… but im just getting worse…

i don’t want to be a burdon

seizures


I spend a lot of time wanting to die… I spend a lot of time that way but when i get the chance to do it I can’t do it because its at those times I just want to snuggle up beside him and have him tell me that its going to be okay and everything is going to get better.

My father is monitoring the miles on his car that he’s letting me use (It was considered mine… but not anymore) … I just need a hug…

Nothing changes… why cant i just go curl up in a ball beside him and just be safe… just be happy…?

yesterday


I looked at my schedule… and thought I only had to go to work on sunday from 10-4 … it turns out I had to be at work yesterday from 10-4. I discovered this at almost 5! I was on the phone with Davis and I started to panic

**I have my period…turnning into a spaz is something thats almost guarenteed**

I get off the phone with him to call where I work and talk to Maria (a manager) and she said she’ll talk to my manager about what happened and tell what I told her… so i was totally spazzing and my mother told me to go over to the store and talk to the people face …so I did

and I went over to talk to Maria or whoever was there (I was hoping the owner) and I went in and I started to talk to her and the other girl who i saw before I think her name is missy but I don’t know … and She looked at the schedule and said “oh, you’re not on until sunday” and I said to her… no I was on today

So missy said to me oh its okay, you’re sorry just don’t do it two more times or anything like that and come in sunday and talk to christy when you come in on tuesday.

I’m just really worried because i forgot to wash two of my dishes and three tips I think. She told me to put my stuff away and to go home at 5:30 or something like that..I got there at 10:40 and stayed so much longer than everyone else and did a lot of back ups and asked her if she wanted me to do more.. but she told me to go home and to leave the other cakes for the other lady who was comming in today… so i’m really, really, really hoping that I wasn’t missed.

I’ll go in tomorrow and do my job and hope to God that I don’t get into trouble. I mean, another girl was going in tomorrow… and the other new girl did two days in a row but i still have to get trained for counter.

I’m just being a period spaz… My body is still screamingly clucky. I mean… SCREAMING clucky… its getting to be painful… why does my body want to be pregnant so badly? I mean, its a bad time in every sense of the word and I have things that need to get finished before then. I’m not in a rush for something like that but I really feel like I want it. I think I’m insane

Pathetic…


Todays family activity is nap day … yep… the only thing my family can do together is sleep.

Oh, and they (the dentist) think my father has oral cancer…He has another rather large patch growing in the top of this mouth. HE told him to go right to HMC to have it checked out because he thinks its bad but my father decidedto wait until he gets back to Chicago to have it looked at. I think this is just stupid because this will be the second time they’ve found this on him. What do I know really? and they just cut some kind of cancer off my mother too that was moving to her eye. That one might not have been cancer but it was some growth that looked bizarre. I think I have a right to be upset and cranky and generally just … yeah … worried…

I know all I do is bitch about the guy most of the time and yes, a lot of it never makes it in here because i don’t feel its worth loading everyone down with the everyday averge horshit that my family goes through. I should put more in here for myself about the problems as of late… its not been a pretty situation around here because of it for the first few weeks of this here break but somehow its just starting to mellow..

Back to my dad, its probably nothing, i don’t remember what it was last time but i just know its not been checked out and my mother told me that its probably cancer. I felt sick when she told me that. I don’t know really what to think about things like that when i hear them. I know it could just be nothing but he’s been smoking for his whole life and i’ve always had this little fear that it was going to come up like this someday. I know it probably won’t kill him if they have to do something if he hasn’t let it go for too long and i’m just getting myself like this for nothing but i have to get it in here.

if it is cancer… whos job is it to tell my brother? Not mine… no way

~*~

One of my big fish looks sick too… Sabre, my little lovely retard…I think I’m going to go visit Davis at work because its something better to do than be stuck here doing nothing. Maybe I’ll get the things I need to make my mothers birthday cupcakes too. I just think I want to get out of this house for a while for my mental health… just go without anyone… His break is at 4…. leave around 3… I hope everyone is still sleeping in an hour so i can go and do what I want to do without hearing a word about it.

but thats enough heavyish stuff for the time being… I got a new set of dishes today, my mother gave me some hell about the ice crystals going to Davis and my place … (she doesn’t know I live there too) but i told her these aren’t going to go over there (yet) and i have a 30% off coupon and i got to have them but i have to pay half of them $14 isn’t too bad.

I’m just going to go now and say I’m running errands … I want to get out of this place alone for a while.

One last thing … Today is my future Step-sons birthday… I have so much to say… but i just can’t find the words for what a bitch i feel like for not getting up to maine with davis to be there for his birthday and to be there just to be there already. He said to me that hes not upset about me not accepting my new life yet. I wish I could be more like another of my LJ friends she made the desision to do what she was going to do and she told her family and left … I wish i could be more like her…

Okay. Now I’m done

::End Transmission::