So much for the afterglow!


My LAST day of freedom… well, not really…Starting EARLY EARLY like 8am Monday morning I have MARCHING BAND CAMP. I know, not really something I FEEL like doing… ((btw. Live journals being a real dickhead and making everyones posts go up like 4 times!! Wow, I’m thinking maybe this is beginning to suck JUST A LITTLE BIT)) Band camp is from 8-5:30pm… but that doesn’t mean I’LL be out of there then!! I’ll probably be stuck out there until 6! I’m in the band counsel, I’m the bands librarian too meaning I get to keep track of the music and stuff like that. and i’m a squad leader, I carry drill! ^^ I know where I’m going! and I get to boss people around too ^^ but i’m a nice girl and people like me so it’s all good!

Moving right along. I GOT AN ICON!! ^^ okay, not that big a damned deal but I like it! It’s all pretty and shit! I love shadow! He’s so cute and sexy! ^^ lol I think maybe I’ll marry him! I mean how bad can a genetically altered hedgehog be?!

I wish Vicci and Josh would post more! I mean, I’m always reading about Jahn and Jessie and sometimes Wayne and Caitlin but those two boys are out of the loop… not like I don’t talk to them enough as it is! By hell I’m daiting one of them!!

anyway, I’ll post more later… I think o.o;;

seeya!
~~Alaborn~~

A good feeling


I don’t know what it is about me. I can have a week of total shit then feel like this. Totally relaxed, listening to a beautiful song and just enjoying the melody. It’s all piano! I know sounds dumb but I’m a simple person. I haven’t felt so good in a long while! I went to a baseball game on Monday! Minor league of course! Somerset Patriots VS Bridgeport Bluefish. It sucked because I could only sty until the bottom of the 6th! I wanted to stay the whole game! But it was late, so my dad said we can get playoff tickets!!!!! ^^ so that’s my exciting thing for the day!

At 2am I was staring at my ceiling, and this beautiful song started playing. I couldn’t make out the words but our DJ said it was 5 for fighting — Superman. So I wrote it down ((sorta)) and I DLed it… The lyrics make me think about myself. They’re so pretty. So here are the lyrics. Maybe you’ll like it as much as I do

Superman
5 For Fighting

I can’t stand to fly; I’m not that Naive
I’m just out to find the better part of me
I’m more then a bird, I’m more then a plain
I’m more then some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I wish I could cry, fall upon my knees
Find a way to lye about a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd but something I need
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me

I hope to get away from me it’s all right
You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy
Or anything

I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to fly, with clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Taken for kryptonight on this one way street
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me. Inside of me

I’m only a man in a phony red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream
I’m only a man in a phony red sheet
It’s not easy..

Ooh, ooh, ooh…

It’s not easy…
To be
Me…

I read Jesse’s last entry from the 20th… Jesse, you’re not the only one that wishes for a childhood. Trust me, I know how it feels, I may not have been playing mom. But I was treated as an object. Things got better for me at a price. I dissolved my past for it… I know it may have only worked for me because I’m a different case. But things do get better and they can! You’re a psychiatrist for a lot of people just like I am, I know it’s strange not to be a kid, It’s a depressing thing to think about it… but we’re alive and we’re here and that’s the best and biggest thing. I’m probably not helping but it’s all I can think of right now.

I think I get why I like this 5 for fighting song so much now

“I can’t stand to fly; I’m not that Naive
I’m just out to find the better part of me
I’m more then a bird, I’m more then a plain
I’m more then some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I wish I could cry, fall upon my knees
Find a way to lye about a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd but something I need
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me

I’m only a man in a phony red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream
I’m only a man in a phony red sheet
It’s not easy..

Ooh, ooh, ooh…

It’s not easy…
To be
Me…”

See that part up there! That’s how I usually feel… I love helping everyone else but at what cost to myself? How much more can I take before I have another Anxiety attack? I hate how people think that I’m some kind of prize! Or I’m a trophy that they can try and catch! Or I’m some type of Barbie doll that they can paw at! I have a guy hitting on me now THAT HAS a steady girlfriend and says he loves her but he’s trying to hit on me and get some from me like I’m some kind of street corner Whore! I really don’t understand this at all! No, well, I do. It has to do with me being the one thing they can’t have! So, here’s a little message to all the Fuck off bastards that still are still pushing their luck trying to get me to cheat on Victor

FUCK OFF!!! IT’S NOT WORKING DUMB ASS!! YOU’RE Just PISSING ME THE HELL OFF AND I DON’T LIKE IT! SO, DO ME A FAVOR AND GO TO HELL! Don’t tackle me to the ground, Don’t’ grab my wrists and force me to kiss you, and don’t ask me if being with Victor satisfies me! I’m not a whore! And even if I was I’m a private whore and I’m not for resale! So do me a favor and go into hell and rot there until the dawn of the next millennium! Because of right now, I hate you and all of your kind!

**disgusted sigh and sings A verse of “Superman”**

you may now go back to your regularly scheduled Internet enjoyment.

thank you

I hate people!


I know that this heading is hard! but I mean it! I’d be better off as a hermit!! I mean it just seems to me that trying to be a good psychologist these days isn’t worth it! I mean. I love some of the people I talk to with all my heart but sometimes I just feel like I need to be supergirl! and I’m not that good… I’ve never lost someone… and last night I was scared… really, really scared… because I thought I was going to loose someone very close to me… I don’t know… I don’t totally pity him.. but I worry… and he loves me… I don’t know… It scares me sometimes. I just hate seeing him get so scared and so sad! He deserves so much better then that! I’d do anything to help him! But he’s so far away, and yes Josh. I’m talking about you.

I hate the USA. America Sucks.

Think about it! What good do we have here?! School shootings, Parents killing there children, Abuse! it sucks! It really sucks!

i’m not that good at posting things, Another good thing Vic and I have in common. Not that good at posting on message boards or Journals! I suck at this stuff!

mental note: DL Stabbing Westward — Angel

** bangs head on desk many, many times**


It’s not frustrated. it’s just one of those days where I feel like banging my head on something hard and yelling “DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!!!” until its over! I don’t know. It guess it’s just stress, the god damned mother fucking pop up windows on EVERY web page that stop me from typing OR put the text in some other FUNKY SPOT!! I think it might be the plastic from the old Pepsi cup and the shit that radiates off the monitor. What is that? radiation?! Anyway. Lotta stuff happened this week.

1) went to doctor on Monday and had blood done and a shot for god knows what and I didn’t scream! That’s big for me!

2) needed X-rays for the 18 degree curve in my spine and everythings cool. I just was afraid that the radiation was going to fry the eggs, I do wanna be a mother SOMEDAY and I don’t need that to get fucked too.

3) Have band camp, all this week, All next week and ALL of the WEEK afterwards! it’sn’t it swell!? and I’m playing Crash Cymbals… CRASH CYMBOLS! I was a clarinet and an OBOE! how big a STEP down is that!!!! But I am LEAD Crash Cymbal so that’s okay

4) and I cleaned all day, That was actually fun. I like helping my ma it’s cool it’s all good. I re-did my room again and it’s really pweety and stuff again! I got a sushi kit and I have a Zen Garden too! and a FIFE! Today kicked ass. Well, I have work tomorrow! ugh. NO OVERTIME!

Night

why can’t I shoot myself?


I didn’t get into show choir… They do this to everyone… If you register for it they’ll put it on your schedule… Show Choir and Madrigals are both audition choirs… and I auditioned… and I was so worried about getting in when I looked on the sheet I thought I looked over my name… and when I got my preliminary schedule Show choir was on there and I was all excited… I thought I was good enough to get into them… but I was wrong… dead wrong. My counselor called me today because I left a message on her voice mail about a class I needed. Well, She told me that I can’t have speech… and I didn’t make it into show choir… It was only on there because I THOUGHT I was good enough to make it in there.. I was dead wrong… so I called Mr. Lockheart and he said I don’t have the look to be in the choir, my hair is too short, and I’m a no talent loser… I’ll never be in his choirs with my looks and my accent… so in short I’m a waisted human… I’m so disappointed… I really thought I was good enough… and anyone that knows me knows that I love to sing and that this was all I was talking about for the whole summer that I got in and that I was part of the best choirs in the school… but I didn’t. I don’t know… Josh is right…

“you don’t seem to be understanding me here! what i’m saying is that you’re a very bright and intelligent girl! you’ll figure something out!”

I get it! I get it! Stop feeling sorry for myself and start singing my ass off to show that fucker up next year!!

DAMN YOU MOTHERS


I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE AND MY FUCKING MOTHER!! Jesus! She’s so fucking computer illiterate! I can’t stand it! God damn she drives me nuts calling me upstairs just to click on a damn picture! She could have done that HERSELF!! I just hate it! Right now I’m in the worst mood of my life. I just don’t know… I picked depressed, but that’s not really it. It’s more like, frustrated, depressed, upset, annoyed! ANGRY!! ugh

Okay, here’s the big problem. I got these great shoes yesterday I love them, there from a store called GADZOOKS and they were black with red and yellow flames… But the went back to the store today… at 9:30 am… I don’t get it… why does everything I want never work? I wanted a pair of Volitale shoes. I got them and they went back because they had no insides. I didn’t care, they felt fine… but the biggest thing… I know this is trivial to others, I’ve never had any friends my age to play with, I mean GOD DAMN I was left back in SECOND GRADE! how dumb can a person be?! But I’ve always wanted a friend, a girl I could hang out with, go to the mall with. Even talk about what movie star we want to marry! but I’ve never had that. It’s always be me trapped around guys… I’ve never had any girls to talk to… and the ones I did… they all turned on me and left me out in the cold… ** is crying** It’s just not fair… I get to watch all the other girls go to these great stores like Express and Old navy… and I get my clothes from Walmart and Sears Roebucks and the Bon Ton, sometimes DEB… Everything on clearance… Everything I get from Delias is always on Clearance… just like the rest of my clothes, All of those jackets that all the girls were wearing last year I JUST got one because it was like 25-30% off… That’s my mom.. she’ doesn’t get it.. I know there are people worse off then me… but.. It would be nice to be able to get my hair cut shorter, my clothes to look really nice and pretty from a name brand store. Not so I could have this label across my chest… but so I could feel as special and pretty as all the other girls… not like a piece of scum… yeah, that’s how I feel walking into school and looking like the spokes girl for Wal*Mart… I guess the other reason I don’t have anything nice is because I always have to go with my parents to the mall… nothing against Mike and Janet, there the best… but my mother doesn’t allow any shirts with writing on them that might make people think something… even if I’m not the only one with it… i’m wearing a shirt right now what have two little turtles on it ith hearts above them… and it’s pink… I hate pink.. but my mother LOVES it… so everything she gets me has PINK in it…. -.- I’m gonna die… I just can’t stand it… I know.. I’m feeling sorry for myself… something I try not to do… but this is one of those days… god help me I don’t go insane today after I get home from work! u.u;;
I guess I’ve bitches enough… no one wants to hear from a whiner…