I want to cry…

* John got a 93% on the history paper …. I got a 72% …. he did an 85% on the test… I got a 63%… now, i know not to compare myself to others but at the same time I just don’t think its fair that I can’t do well. It frustrates me especially because he didn’t even do the whole fucking paper and forgot the last part and still did that well

* The printer downstairs was out of paper and ink… i got new paper to print it but it was still out of ink and hardly works anymore so now i have to get to north campus and print it out before class. I should have gotten on that 1:55 but i was too busy having a fit to do that. im such an idiot.

* My legs hurt from my ankles up. I think its from my new shoes but I’m not sure… it doesn’t feel nice…

* I’m tired of being nagged at to go to england with my father for a week in the summer. I don’t want to see my brother and my nieceanymore I’m done with them. Totally done with them

* I’m having trouble swallowing, it feels like there’s a frog in my throat… my stomach feels warm on the inside… I’m scared of things I don’t have a reason to be scared of and I took my medication late today and I think thats part of the reason I feel this way… or it’s all built up from what Davis and I talked about at Dennies this morning when Bianca came up …stuff with my family always comes up after that. I hope this is just what all this is brought on by. I don’t want to be getting sick. I don’t want to think about that because i don’t know why I’m such a crack up.

I’m sitting here waiting for Davis… he said he’d come get me so i won’t be late to class and i’ll get to print out my paper so im sitting here doing this now instead of helping myself….

the triple A-B-C

Triple ABC’s

A – Available?: Oh no, sorry. I love my Xamp. I’m going to keep him.
A – Age: Old enough to know better… and young enough not to care.
A – Annoyance: Stupidity…

B – Best Friends?:Xamp, Aximilij & Adilya
B – Bar: Triumph Brewery
B – Birthday: March 23

C – Crush: Xamp
C – Car: Lovely little white 1999 Honda Accorda named Darla
C – Cat: I don’t have one… but i always wanted a little one that was cute

D – Dead Pets Name: Way too many to list
D – Dad’s Name: Michael
D – Dog: Spunky

E – Easiest person to talk to: Xamp &Adilya
E – Eggs: anyway I can get to them sometimes.
E – Email:

F – Favourite Colors: Midnight Blue & White
F – Food: hmm…hard to say… at the moment? Tacos
F – Foreign Slang: bullocks

G – Gummy Bears or Worms: oooh thats a hard one. Depends on my mood
G – God: Goddess
G – Good Time: At the moment? Almost everything is a good time

H – Hair Color: Brownish
H – Height: 5’2”
H – Happy: Of course

I – Ice Cream: Pumpkin
I – Instrument: Bass Clarinet, Piano and my guitar
I – Idol: idols… oooh I dunno

J – Jewelry:  cosmic egg, my  signet, my pinky ring and my lovely and beautiful ring from Xamp
J – Job: dumping the recycling at the college, setting up and pulling down chairs at rehersals and leading a scout troop
J – Joke: I’m not a real joker. Sorry.

L – Longest Car Ride: Illinois to New Jersey …
L – Laughing:  99% of the time I’m with Xamp
L – Last person you spoke to on the phone: Xamp until my battery died, and i’ll talk to him again a little later on too.

M – Milk Flavor: milk is icky
M – Mother’s Name: Janet
M – Movie Last Watched: Forest Gump

N – Number of Siblings: one real one… the rest are soul siblings
N – Northern or Southern:
N – Name: Juliet Chantel

O – ONE WISH: I don’t know, I’d need to think about it more
O – One Phobia: getting sick
O – Ogle: Always at the hotties =P

P – Parents: They’re good people.
P – Part of your appearance that you like best: my eyes
P – Part of your Personality you like best: I dunno. ask someone else?

Q – Quote: “Where do all the secrets live? They travel in the air”
Q – Question you want to ask but haven’t: why do the good movies always end so sad?
Q – Quick or Slow: Quick!

R – Reason to smile: Life keeps moving.
R – Reality TV Show: Dancing with the Stars & Survivor
R – Right or Left: Both

S – Season: Spring
S – Sex/gender: Woman
S – Store: I like a lot of them

T – Time you woke up: 7ish?
T – Time Now: 10:55
T – Time for bed: whenever I get to it

U – Unknown Fact about me: if I tell you it won’t be unknown anymore will it?
U – Unicorns: ewwwwwwww
U – Under your bed: a whole lot of junk

V – Vegetable you hate: I don’t hate any
V – Vegetable you love: Broccoli
V – View on Politics: necessary evil

W- Worst Habits: Nail biter & other gross things
W- What do you want to be when you grow up?
something … and a mommy
W- where are you traveling next? Back to PA

X – X-Rays: I don’t want anymore of them
X – X-Rated Porn: I’ll make my own porn thank you
X – XZIBIT: eh?

Y – Year you were born:
Late 80s
Y – Year it is now: 06
Y – Yellow: depending on the shade and the hue it can be kinda pretty

Z – Zoo Animal: humans
Z – Zodiac: Cusp child. Aries & Pisces
Z – ZZZZZ: …that sounds nice

oh it’s such a big post.

CONCERT…. wait… no… thats not the first thing… oh no, not at all …When did all of this bullshit begin for this post? I guess I just have to go look back at my actual posts and see where I left off

– I went to the Karate place and had my first private class. I just can’t get over how impressed the Sensi was with me and how much he liked me. Seemed disapointed when I was going to not come back and would have to think about comming back. I still love CTKD and i’m not sure that I can talk myself into leaving there just yet. So I hope that Davis will take me back to there this week and watch me do my stuff in the new class. My knee isn’t all crapped out this time either. I loved the class though. I love martial arts. I wonder if I’ll have any chance of trying for the olympics someday before I get too old for it. I just have to find somewhere that would train me like that and I need to get that black belt I want so badly. I want my next rank too. I just worry.

The problem is that I know if I get to the point of testing I have to tell my parents that I am testing. They’ll want to know why i’m going to class and not telling them that I’m doing it and I can’t not tell them that I have a promotional testing or a competition. Thats just not right. After all of the testings they have taken me to throughout the years I have to owe them the decency of telling them. I am a bad daughter sometimes for not telling my mother when I’m in town with Davis. She spends all of her time alone now while I’m out having fun and comming and going with him. I don’t stop by to visit her. She needs someone to stop by and be with her when she is so alone. That is why I still come home nad would have to tell her.

I doubt greatly she would go to the tournaments, she can’t stand to see me spar… I doubt she would go to the testing either… she didn’t go to the last one because they get to violent for her. I wish she would still go. My father went to the last one. I just have to make up for lost time on my forms and everything to get that black belt I want so badly. It has to be before I graduate. I will do it. I have to do it. From here on out I have to do it as best as I can.

…the last problem is paying for the rest of it. I have 3 months paid for… but it just means the rest of it.

Tuesday I went to sleep at my own place. I feel selfish for doing things like that and I try to stay with him more than I’m there because it’s not fair. I love to be with him but as I told him in his truck when we were sitting out in the cold. Sometimes we can’t talk about those things we were somewhere comfortable. we talk about them in the cold and things when we need to get away. I have no idea why we do things like that… its how we are but I like it and I need it with him.

WEDNESDAY … So… I started about this in a previous post… I have medical insurance, as shitty as it is I do have it…. but when the medication is $52 and the copay is almost that much money I don’t see what the point is. It took the samn place a day to order it and we had to go back for it. It was just such a joke. I just want to make sure that I have it because it makes me feel like I’m human. I skipped my classes today because of it… I hate my lit class it’s all group work and I don’t like group work. I’ll do my paper for her tomorrow when I’m watching those programs with Davis. it’s only about 500 words or so. I can get that out no problems.

Thursday was the cookie day … isn’t that just damn grand? we had about 51 cases at first and got rid of all but 20 and thats with the addition we made. I am so happy to have them finally out of Davis’s place. I know he told me he doesn’t mind that they’re there but they still were and I wanted to get it organized and put away and just DONE. I missed classes… I’m blaming it all on the medication. I talked to my Christian Ethics professor about my life and my probles and she’s very kind. I don’t want her to think that i’m overusing her kindess. I will e-mail her this week before class and tell her what was going on and how I went back to the doctor on wednesday to talk to people and schedule more tests.

Went to wind ensamble too and talked to Barns about performing in the concert. He gave me to go to play in it and I was so happy. I’ll be going to the rehersals again. Things are going to be better for the march concert.

Friday… I had a few moments I guess worth pointing out …. like this annoying kid from one of my classes, John, Who is probably one of the most annoying people that I know lent me his notes for the class that I missed. I mean,  I’m sure he has some great qualities somewhere inside of him but on the outside looking in … well… he’s such an annoying pest always apologising for himself and for doing things and calling me. He always has this habit of calling when its innapropriate… or text messaging me about things when it is far to late to be bothering someone. But class was class and i get to copy all those pages of notes about Athens and read and do all of those wonderful wonderful things that are required of a writing class I’ve gotten sick of. John has his redemeing points, eventhough he thinks hillary duff is hott or something and is still WAY to into transformers…

He wants me to come over for a playdate one of these days. His mother would come and pick me up and i would go over to his house to play. oh please. What are we?!?! 12 years old again?! BITE ME. Get a drivers licence and get a life and then ask me to beat Sonic Adventure for you.

I had ice skating … I thought i would… my skates are all kinds of messed up I don’t like that I had to get new ones instead of using my old ones. The sharpening is all wrong on the new ones and I can’t get it fixed… blah … but I was scared because something was going to happen there and davis came… he said he was going to come anyway… i ended up having one of my usual expeirences after it. It was all starting on the ice… i felt lt comming. I feel like I’m faking it to get out of things and to go home from things. I never let this stuff get to me so badly before i always had to fight through it. I have to get useto fighting through it again because its not fair to anyone that I am all kinds of crazy and all kinds of messed up like this, I always was a fighter for it and now at the smallest sign I just… quit. Its not real quitting… its just letting someone help me for a problem I’m not sure about. I know there is something but why now I have to be vulnerable I just can’t do it forever.

The woman who lead the class, Dawn, She was a real bitch the whole time. She was mean to me and finally she started to be nice when Adilya told her there was a problem or told her something. Then she said I could go to make the class up next week sometime. By the time we got to Little Truck I was shaking and being weird. I think I make myself do it. I really think that I make myself do it and if that is the case that it is something I make myself do I just don’t know. I’ll just have to stop it myself and hope that it won’t be as bad as I think it will be. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be… I just… oh whatever. Whatever. I’ll get on with this post… I just don’t want to talk anymore about it. 

And now, about the conzert

I love my Xamp. I just want to say that. He came to the concert… that made me so happy that he came… He said that he liked it too. we all know that those string players need A LOT of work. it’s not a secret there. But it was a lot of fun to hear the other choir. There was a girl thatr collapsed and went into severe distress before the show started and it was so scary. I was one of the people holding the doors for the paramedics.

Adilya and her cello sounded great. I know she’s going to argue with me, (I ❤ my roomie) but I liked how it sounded. Just because I don’t like the Farie Queen doesn’t mean I can’t like to hear pretty solos and those kinds of pretty, pretty things. The concert itself went overly well. I had my solo bits and prettiness that I got to play and for someone whos not been to rehersal in a good long time I did really well. I got disgusted at one part where I lost my place in the music and just… yuck. But for the biggest part of the actual show I did really, really well with what I did and that new reed was great….my reed was going for a long time but knowing it died on the thursday before the concert was complicated. thanks to Davis and Little Truck the day was saved and life went on and on and on and on and on….

Speaking of my Davis and his Little Truck … or at least Davis… My mother wanted to know why if he was at the concert she didn’t meet him yet. So I told her something. but she began to say that he’s a figment of my immagination and how weird and almsot scary it is that I’ve not let her meet him or gotten a good picture of the two of us together yet for her to see so she can see who I’m spending all of my time with lately. and I said to her I’m working on it. She’ll get to meet him when I’m postive I’m keeping him. and I am keeping him for everyones knowlage … but I don’t want to deal with that. She’s talked to him on the phone and such… she knows he’s real… I should let her meet him but she has a problem with age differences and some hard opinions on. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I get those opinions a lot from other people but it is my life. I told her that it all depends on the people in the relationship how it will work but she always has to come back to me about how its impossiable.

The other problem was that My mammy came with her friend Nancy because she doesn’t drive at night. It was scary … nancy is a bad driver. The worst part of this whole thing (other than the truck… but i’ll get to that) is she said that her depth perseption is on its way out right as we got back to the driveway. WHY WOULDN’T YOU GET THE FIXED IF YOU’RE DRIVING DISTANCES ON THE BIGGEST HIGHWAY IN THE AREA?! Oh, and about that truck thing. There was this truck infront of us and its tire blew out and she couldn’t get out of the way and then she hit the tire. my mother was panicing… I was scared that we were going to die… it was not a good evening. I wanted to go home with Davis… Now, if I knew that next weekend I was going to have to be here too to go see that god damn high school musical with her and then there is spring break.

There are very, as in extremly tentative plans to go to Maine for a little bit of time to see things… but she doesn’t want me to go with him unless she meets him and I am very, very insecure about this meeting. So many people still think of me as a little girl who needs to be protected. That they’re going to see me as looking for a replacement for someone (I’ve heard this all before mind you, this is how i know about it) I just don’t want to meet with that much dissaproval. I just want this to be accepted but everywhere I feel like there is this hesitation in the seriousness or the actuality.

so I’ve moved onto today without even batting an eye…and right now…finally… is my first time alone all day. Ever since I got up this morning its been just one of those days for me. I’ve been out walking with my mother with the dog and talking. We talk a lot me and my mom… sometimes its good and sometimes it’s less than delightful. This morning was rather uneventful I guess… I don’t remember too much of what we talked about. I know that Xamp was a part of it and I started to tell her something about Hyougitsune too. Just some stupid things that I know I’ve mentioned in here before.

But I am definately allergic to Cream cheese…. yes yes… the one lovely thing that I thought I couldn’t live without I turn out to be allergic to. figures doesn’t it? It gives me migranes… that makes me so sad though that it does that to me. I’ve felt like crap all day because of it. well, that and I cracked my head very hard on the car when i was trying to get into it this morning too. I don’t think i was awake enough. My head still hurts right there where i hit it.

My mother mentioned The Winter vomiting disease to me right before I ate… Something about the LV hospital and a wing being closed because of it… Why didn’t I hear about this? But I know about the issues going on in Washington Township. hmmmmmm. I had to look up what it was and it’s the Norwalk-like virus. I’m still worried about it and things like that because she brought it to my attention but I looked it up and its not as worrisome anymore. Whatever  I will still wash my hands well and keep them out of my mouth and not rub my eyes….

 i get like this sometimes… the way I feel now I mean… my eyes are tired and my knees feel funny. So I’m not to worried. I think I think too much about a lot of things and work myself into feeling stuff… I hate being like this. I hate feeling like i’m nuts over things like that. I jsut get so scared of getting sick like that. I know no one likes it, but it truly scares me. I’ve never openly admitted that before.

I had another amusing point to this day… not so amusing as much as it was disgusting but you get what I mean by that. I grabbed a bottle of peach Propel before I went out on my errands today… I went to take a drink of it when I got out of the Kohls and Burlington coat factory and I took a tiny sip from the bottle and on the inside lip of the bottle was this white thing… i touched it and it was soft and seemed wet. So I showed my mother what it was and she went ew to me… then we found that it was all floating the bottle near the bottom and it was round and looked  furry. The weird thing about it was that we thought that it was mold or a fungus… I think that it was mold and even though i opened the bottle and heard the crack myself it was in there. I am going to call the gatoraid company. but yes… that bothered me too… I don’t like not knowing what things are or what it could possiably do. I know, i worry myself to much and I get paranoid and then I sound like a total psycho and I bet I probably am in a way about this. I don’t think anyone else feels like this about things.

but other than that today has been rather uneventful… I made a special suprise for a special someone that I like a whole lot. I just hope that he likes it because I tried so ahrd. I even had to go to the store twice to get the things that i needed because i got stuff wrong and wanted to start over to try to make it perfect forthe both of us. And I’ve been worried about Davis since he told me he went to have the drug test for his new job and it was in what I will now be calling the latex factory. I just worry that i might loose him because of something like that … or I might loose him because of something I’ve done… I don’t want that. I don’t want to be seperated… I know both of us can stand on our own, I know we can both live on our own… but I just love to be with him…I love it. I love to be in his arms because i feel secure and i don’t feel scared about it. I think I like Love. I think I really, really do.

Tonight I feel scared. … tonight I feel like I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to stay up forever because i’m scared about things that could happen. I have ideas in my head from that “Awakenings” movie comming onto tv and because of some of the things that have been brought up today. I get scared like this sometimes when I hear or talk about things that scare me. I feel crazy when it happens. Like I want a hug and be snuggled or just be told that its okay. I’m scared… I’m scared that my head hurts, I’m scared of the twitching and shaking and things like that. it terrifies me because i keep forgetting that it isn’t going to go away by the Mirapex. That juts is part of what is going to make me better. I get scared that I drank something bad in the Propel today and I don’t know what it was. I get scared over things that hurt and can hurt. I know I sound like such a baby but I never get to talk aboutthings like this and it’s making me feel a little better. I don’t like being scared. I don’t like having to talk about things like that

but other than that I can’t think of anything else to say… gee, I wonder why. I’ve only poured out a lot into here tonight about things. I know there is more that I should or want to put into here. Maybe if I think about it I’ll just put it in here. Or something like that.

::End Transmission – 8:59pm::

I can’t believe this happened…

I went to wash my hair this morning… I have the McWE concert tonight so why take a full shower now when I’ll have to do it again later to do my hair and makeup…

So I left the door open (I’m at Xamp‘s place) and I’m washing my hair …

Now, a normal person wouldn’t have this problem like I did, but he came up behind me and touched my back with his fingertips and I flipped. I threw the water left in my cup at him and snapped. It wasn’t until I stopped for a moment to think that I realized that it was him there and I got jumpy, shitty and defensive at him.

It’s like I thought I was back home for a minute where I would have had my head ripped off for something like that.

… it was scary to me. If that happened when I was at home and I answered to ANYTHING like that I would have had my head pulled off and yelled at or my mother wouldn’t have spoken to me for a few days. I would have been totally isolated from everyone…I just felt like …. it just went like this…

He came up behind me when I wasn’t paying attention, he touched my back, I threw water athim… he wasnted to know what that was for and I just got so defensive… I truly thought he was going to stop talking to me, or yell at me or something like that. then I got my senses back… I feel so bad about it. I know this isn’t like what I grew up with, this is totally different. The world isn’t going to stop because I got scared of something… because I jumped.

It was always like that. I’m still trying to learn that things are different now and thats not going to happen agai but after a patter of that kind of thing for my whole life I keep forgetting that it won’t go away overnight and I can’t expect things to be like I want them to…

Like sex…. sex is definately something that I thought would be better by now but I’m still me and still having those same old same old problems that have always gotten me into trouble. I just need to relax more. I just need to let things go the way they should go instead of trying to stop things that are beyond my control I guess.

well, thats something new. I have this control now that i don’t usually have in my life. I’m not going to be yelled at for things, I have this freedom to do things and I can’t get incouraged for things and do things that are fun I never got to do before… but when things like this come up I get discouraged because I want everything to work out that way and I know its impossiable for now but someday it will be possiable for me not to be like this all the time and maybe it will be none of the time after a little bit of more time. I just don’t know.

So many good changes and I want to keep those good changes. When this happens I get scared that I’m turning back the way I was when he met me.. I don’t want to be that way, I know that wouldn’t happen because i’m aware of it, but it has to go in here or I wouldn’t be me and it wouldn’t be my journal… you know. That same old junk as always. My journal and my problems.

Sexpect things to be interesting this weekend. I have to post about iceskating…. last week and this week…. my first trip to Victoria’s Secret…. and multiple other things that I’ve been trying to do by voice so i can elaborate on them later when I’m alone. Oh, and girlscout cookies. I cannot forget about those girlscout cookies and how this is working out. Damn girlscouts I have an issue with them an the parents and everyone else in the goddamn movement for making a stink about Xamp at the meetings and things like that when those idiot parents are so clueless. You take the lead, you seem to have it undercontrol pretty well don’t you think you bunch of lousy gossiping fuckheads!

sorry… had to get that out for later on… yep yep…

and about the medication and the copay. I need to talk about the medications and the rest of the tests and that damn seizure.

Concert tonight too, call it at 7 something. I hope i don’t screw anything up… It’s been a long time since I’ve been at rehersal

what a day

…The new medication they put me on is retaled at $52.99 … my insurance copay was $50… WHERE THE HELL IS THE FUCKING LOGIC IN THIS ONE!?!??!!?!?

AND How many more boxes of Girl scout cookies do i have to get rid of?!?!?!?!


…i love my life, i love my life, i love my life I love my life…

autosave is a decent feature… i like it

sometimesi think that life is made up of good, bad and akward desisions ….

today i think is one huge akward desision…

i need to talk about monday night and stting in his car for 2 hours or something like that talking instead of being where its warm and why i feel like i need to do things for myself that are impossiable because of what was given up for me by him …. self preservation never was so hard

lots of things have been going on latey for me and i know that my posts haven’t been the way they useto be and that will change again soon i’d like to hope. I only know that i’m enjoying the way things are at the same time i feel like im dying on the inside and i want to get out before its too late.

thats normal for me though, since when do i make desisions that im happy wth.

…and with that final cut I’m off again to get my medicaton, do some scout stuff, go to class, go to scouts, go to another class and then go try to make some sense out of my life before i have that concert tomorrow and go absolutely insane because of it.