i’m having one of those hopeless romantic nights of mine.. where i just think and remember how thankful i am to have my Xamp… and how much it has cost him to be with me, and what hes lost… but, somehow i know i can never let him know how much i adore him. but he knows it anyway… and he knows how much i truly love him. so, forgive my sappiness tonight, just because …well, i just feel like its the right thing to be.

the other night we saw the last episode of Scrubs on comedy central and as they were doing the last scenes this song was playing and instead of seeing the two characters I could see us, and it made me smile… I cant stop listening to this song… it was played at our wedding too and it’s just so pretty… so I wanted to post it here because its making me so happy right now in a strange no kinds of word type thing.

i guess this song has such a self centered element to it because there is so much about taking and being given… but… it can go both ways… and … oh well i am talking too much. its been on repeat on my ipod for 20 minuets now

i have to go to bed…doctor sooo early, and i need to be there earlier so i can get home in time. .

Peter Gabriel
The Book of Love

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It’s full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that’s where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb

But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we’re all too young to know

But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings

And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings

And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings

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the verdict


…well its not as broken as we thought it wa sand i got a new thing to keep my hand in. i’m cleared to go back to work but i cannot use my right hand — we will see how well this works. i have my doubts…

here’s my new splinty-cast thing

its so much easier to do life in this thing — like at the pastoral ministry candidate dinner. i could actually eat as opposed ot the other night when i COULDN’T! so i have to wear this for 8 or so weeks and i have physical therapy so this doesn’t happen again… so this is just all doctors all the time for me now. my firs session is monday at 8 something so i have ot start walking really early to get there because its about 3 or 4 miles away.

::End transmission::

how in the hell could i break my hand?!


… yeap, you herd it right on this one … i broke my hand. i got up tuesday morning, put my hand down and was in the worst pain i had felt in a long time because it reminded me of knives going up my palm. so i thought that was strange and didn’t do that again… went through the rest of my early early morning and got ready for work … i get there for 6 i set everything up and i have a boatload of cake orders to do and i try to start working on them but everytime i squeeze the bag i feel this horrendus pain in my hand, it started in my palm and it works it way through my hand and its so bad t hat i cant even make roses on my first cake. i just dont know what to do…

so i just keepworking as best i can… have Patsy make my 2 roses and i fought through doing 2 more and then i did everything else. i had to do them… no choice. i did all of the orders for the next 3 days but i had to stop for thursday. so the bosses get in nd i tell Russ what happened and how i feel and he sends me p to see the Merch manager and talk about my problem. Mike fills out a form and says hes going ot send me back downstairs. i am fine.

i know i am not fine…

i said to him that i cant do my job and im worried, i’m only a part timer they dont pay us for anything … even at the #5 best place to work according to forbs…so he calls Accident services and i have ot be on the phone with the person for a good 10 minutes. he tells me that there is nothing wrong with me, it juts a strain and he wants to know what do i do in my free time. i tell him i am a full time graduate student. he tells me i am on the computer too much. i said no i am not, if i was i think i would know that… but he tells me that i need to take a 30 minute break and some Tylenol and ice my hand for 15 minutes then off for 15 and go back downstairs … i tell him i am a part timer… he tells me i need to do this every 3 hours for the next 2 days and call them back if it feels worse… i ask him if i’ve heard it correctly … without seeing my hand he is telling me to take pailkillers, and an hour and 30 minute break out of my already very short shifts to come uypstairs and ice it? well then what? because as of right now i can’t do my job without it hurting so bad i drop my bags… he gets frustrated with me and tells me to go to the doctor in 2 days but only after i call them first… 

finally he gets so mad (i told him i have comprehension issues relating to educational disabilities and i need directions a lot to understand) he said that he cannot talk to me and tells me to pick a health care provider and go there. but ONLY after i ice it for 30 minutes and take pain killers… Merch Manager sent me ASAP

so i’m there 2 hours at St.Lukes North and they look at my hand and tell me that it needs to be immobalized for 2 days — they do and send me home … i have to come back on thursday for more information and tests… but there is definately more that what the guy on the phone told them …

so now im at home… and my paw is broken and all in this horriable spoon thing

but thursday i will get something better than that for my hand — oh, and i cant get my jacket off so i need to help me with it … but life is good. and we have Lidocane patches if i want them …

::End Transmission::


my paid account expired — i’ve spend 4 days in a row being at work at 4am and yesterday i had to walk home too … so i was really tired and it kinda sucked

now… my paid account is gone and money is sooooooooooooooo tight, i just dont know what to do.

finally


Hello friends old and new … for the past couple of weeks I’ve been venting about the up and coming appointment i was going to have with the Pelvic Pain and reproductive specialist… and that was at 9:30 this morning. my husband and I thought we were going to make this a good day for us.

so we walked the 4 blocks down to the specialist office (and its funny because this guy is the leading expert and female pelvic pain, and here’s here and crappy little Christmas City…) … I digress… and this is so hard for me to talk about and post on here… I thought it was hard this morning and afternoon when we were there… but it only got worse the more i let it sit with me …

forgive me, this is going to be very long…

we had to fill out 35 page packet going into everything in life that ever caused me pain, from the 9 concussions, every broken bone to the loss of our daughter… everything. one of the nurses went over it with us and filled in other needed details. when the doctor came in after this (and it took 45 minutes) he sat down with the nurse and said to me something like "everyday women come in here with long, hard roads behind and ahead of them and everyday i think i have heard the worst story. Today i met you and i think i will never be able to say that again."

the man wrote books on female athletes like i was and how much we hurt ourselves by being pushed too hard…he brought the book in and tried to get us to buy it … and his other book too "Secret Suffering" … like.. pushed it at us twice… i was cheesed. i’m not buying that, i’ll go to the library and get it free. I dont think this is SUFFERING when there are huge global problems! the 2/3s world is more important than if i can have sex and get pregnant… oh wait, i have to get to that later

i made that sound so much nicer than he did, because i cannot be that cold. I looked the man dead in the eyes and then to my husband and said I am leaving. I never got to leave. we sat and went over my charts for 2.5 hours and he talked to us like we had no idea about the human body (this is my husband who worked about 20 years in the medical field and me who worked on a degree to be a physical therapist before changing my mind) He spent so much time correcting how i explained where i had pain, telling me where i felt pain and how i felt pain and constantly asking me if i was sure i wasn’t abused. He was telling me of course no other doctors could help me because they wouldn’t connect all the problems together. He was told how sick i was years back and said he wanted me to go to all these other specialists for tests and then run more tests. After Xamp talked to the Doctor about his experiences the doctor started to respect my husband and talk to him like a colleague, that was weird but the men seemed to like it. I was pissed off. he wrote me off as irrational. oh he of little faith…… don’t know me very well now do he?

i said i have no insurance

he got upset…i got upset

we continued and he dropped the talk about me having a million different autoimmune disorders…

we continued… finally Xamp told him a few things about my body that we know, i had my love explain to the doctor about how Mariel died because its too painful for me to go into… "I was called twice to ______ University to help young girls who gave birth in bathrooms like you did. under similar situations, you aren’t alone THIS WAS 5 YEARS AGO!!! 5 YEARS AGO

and stop asking me about therapy!! stop asking me about therapists!! i got help, i talked… i moved on… it hurts and it always will hurt but stop it!! How could he try to say something like that to me, i know he was trying to make me feel special or something but all he did was make me feel such deep, wrenching sorrow for those other women who went through such a horrible experience like i did! those women need help and counseling and help! They need this more than i do! and he’s telling me this to make me feel included?!?!?! what kind of society do we live in that causes young women to feel they have to be in situations like this?!

I have this habit of getting very, very emotional to the point of where it looks to someone unknowing like i am checked out and shut down… in reality i’ve dissociated myself from my body and astral project for a moment to get a grip, look over the situation and understand better what i have to do. He didnt know and kept telling us that we should come back again in a few weeks to continue this. i said no. I wanted to get this all done here and now because i dont have time for all this CRAP and waste more time just sitting and talking…

so he started to do the exam … that part wasn’t too bad he touched my back and the idiot put his hand on my shoulder MY BAD REPLACED SHOULDER THAT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT HE TOLD ME I WAS PUSHING MY PAIN INTO MY PELVIS AND BLOCKING … and then tells me how too tight all my right side is … i got in softly "try taking your hand off my shoulder" …. its your left shoulder … i thought bite me … i said "maybe if you move your hand it will stop being like that" … he moves it to the other shoulder across me and said it made no difference

He was shocked that for someone with chronic pelvic pain I can wear whatever panties i want, whatever clothes i want without suffering, i can open myself up to show him have my husband touch me, me touch me, but him i didnt like too much and it bothered me. he still refused to check the nerves that he said he would because i was too emotional. well it was traumatic what was expected!?!?! i get dressed and we all go into his office to talk more and get our diagnosis

he sits us down with the nurse who is about my age… and he starts to talk about the numerous problems we have with me… and how there are more but he didn’t check on them so we have to come back (crap) so he can do the other test on my pudential nerve. He tells me i have a few different disorders but the things that bothered me the most aren’t real problems, just irritations. so he starts to tell me about the treatment plan

again — we have no health insurance until January and he starts to go on about the new government health care bill and how its going to penalize people for not having health care and other junk like that … i had so much trouble understanding what the man was telling me — i asked about money.. he told me some of these things are too expensive…

He starts up again after i start to get frustrated … i need physical therapy down there but since its too expensive without insurance i said i cant start until January… but I’m worried because right now i don’t know how much PT will be covered, it could be anywhere from 6-30 visits and i don’t want to start something that wouldn’t be able to be finished. he was SO MAD at me and almost yelled at me about getting so frustrated… he said he wanted to put me on a few other medications too anti-anxiety drugs, anti psychotic medications like klonipin and anti depressants to get me to calm down and to lower my pain tolerance and a few of the receptors in my head to stop producing things that say i am in pain

i flipped out… totally flipped out … he wanted me to go to therapy too because of all my trauma and suggested i go to my old therapists

He asked how long my husband and i had been together, i told him… we got the date wrong but it doesn’t matter– he asked if Xamp has any kids… he has 2 teenagers … he asked Xamps age, he said 42. He asked my age … I told him … he asked if i was abused sexually by my father because younger women go for older men sometimes to make up for the affection their rapest fathers didn’t give to them. I said i was worried about running out of time to get pregnant. He told me to stop worrying because i am young, I looked over to my guy and said i have other reasons i worry about it … and i have an 80% chance of giving my genetic things over to our kids the longer i wait…

He asked me how did i get over my tourette’s … O.O;;; you dont get over Tourette’s, you just are able to suppress it for a little bit of time… he didnt’ believe me i dont think. so i stopped holding my tics in…he told me i am too young and have a lot of years left… and asked about tourettes, Xamps bad knee and looked shocked to know about his kids, his ex and everything else .

i do not have a daddy complex


i looked over to Xamp and said i am leaving…. of course i didn’t leave

i was so insulted!! i came here to get my vagina fixed so my husband and i can get pregnant naturally. that’s the goal here… i said i WILL NOT GO ON THOSE MEDICATIONS, he said to me see Kristine, (the nurse) she’s on 900 milligrams of ______ for her migraines and shes fine! i don’t care about her, they tried all sorts of drugs for when i had seizures as a girl and i went bald and turned into a zombie. so he gave us 2 creams to use and a few lidocaine patches for the other areas of pain in my body ( I took them for Xamp to use on his ankle… i do not need them i am not in that kind of pain to abuse painkillers like that). He looked over to my husband and told him that he will not help me if i do not go along with his treatment plan

Xamp said that we can do this and it is my body and if we have to come back every 3 weeks for the next year ANYWAY we have plenty of time to talk about medications. but for right now if i think i can do this with cream and PT then that’s what we should do. the doctor said it will never work… but maybe i maybe could be the first person this could ever work for. but he doesn’t have time for people who are difficult like me

he also did some HORRIBLE analogy of if Davis and i were in a car wreck and he was pinned and horribly hurt in the drives seat and i was thrown from the car with my leg bone sticking out of my leg broken in half. I wouldn’t realize i was in pain because i would be hurrying to help my Davis out of the car and be save — he said that is the pain mentality my body is in all the time

… i almost puked… how terrible is that to say?!?!?!?!

the doctor didn’t want me to do it that way, he doesn’t deal with patients like me much, he deals with people who whine and cry over breaking a fake nail.. not someone who wouldn’t be here if there were any other ways around this. I said if we work with this, and work with the PT and the gel when can we work to get preganant

he looked at me, the doctor, like i was on crack and told me that we might BEGIN to see improvements IN 9 MONTHS TO A YEAR … technology is great because they can put sperm in me a lot of ways but without me being open all we have is penis over there and broken vagina over here… he told me you are in no way going to be able to get pregnant before this time next year, maybe longer if you don’t do my treatment plan as i tell you I BURST INTO TEARS… i was just done…

so we have creams to do in the mean time … go back in 3 weeks on a Monday to have the jerk poke at me more… He wants my neuro records too sent over… and i can start my mirapex back up for the other problems and that should help a bit with the neurotransmitters

but him telling me those things about getting pregnant broke my heart in a million pieces … more than a million, a zillion pieces… and we walked home, got in the car… drove 2 hours almost to Harrisburg, turned around and talked and just debriefed each other about what to do from here… we got home and just… made intimate with eachother the only way we can right now.

oh, he also told me that there are paraplegics that cant feel anything below the waste than can enjoy an intimate relationship with other erogenous zones. we need to work that way with mine because Xamp shouldn’t try to sexually touch me until this year is over!!! hell no!!!!! of coure we went home and tried

now im home sitting here post for the whole ungodless world to see and I’m sorta horrified that i’m doing this … but i feel broken tonight, i feel like 1/2 a woman like my need and want to have a baby of our own… one we finally would get to keep after all of our other attempts and our little girl was taken from us. so i need a little time to get myself back together … get a grip…. and then in 3 weeks it will be hell all over again. I can live with this and deal with it. I’m a big girl…

sooooo sorry this is so long, but i did promise an update…

ew…sick


i don’t like being sick, at all. but i’ve been feelnig bad for a few days now. i just hate how bad this looks for me…. i requested off this whole week for doctors appointments and now im out sunday because im sick too. i only get 8 hours now this week…8 hours. that alone makes me want to just cry but i feel so bad and i work in a bakery. i called out late last night, and now i have to make the 2nd call but there have been no bosses in yet… i’ve been trying to call for an hour now and all i want to do is try to get some sleep so i feel better.

i went to sleep last night with every intention of going to work today … i went to ritual and then after 45 minutes or so i went to bed. about 2 hours later i woke up in a panic because i couldn’t swallow or breath. i had to try to get to my Xamp to help me. it was so scary, and the first thing i could think was that i did something wrong in ritual, i had to do something wrong… so i was up for a while and then started to feel sicker and stuff happened so i called out to the ON Grocery guy who said he was writing it down and putting it in the mailbox…. but dear gods knows that it might not have gotten there…

my store makes you call out twice, once and then a ‘verify’ where they can still tell you to come in, or say that a note is needed or some crap… so i need to see what they tell me when i call.. but since no one is answering the manager phone i can only think that no boss is in yet…. i was suppose to be in at 6, but i work with food… i guess if they tell me i need a note i can go over to the grad schools health center and try to get one from them. i dont know… i feel bad about calling out but not bad enough to offer to drag my sick butt in and risk getting everyone else sicker.

almost time to try calling again…. hopefully someone will pick up this time so i can go to sleep finally… i just want to feel better.