Hello friends old and new … for the past couple of weeks I’ve been venting about the up and coming appointment i was going to have with the Pelvic Pain and reproductive specialist… and that was at 9:30 this morning. my husband and I thought we were going to make this a good day for us.
so we walked the 4 blocks down to the specialist office (and its funny because this guy is the leading expert and female pelvic pain, and here’s here and crappy little Christmas City…) … I digress… and this is so hard for me to talk about and post on here… I thought it was hard this morning and afternoon when we were there… but it only got worse the more i let it sit with me …
forgive me, this is going to be very long…
we had to fill out 35 page packet going into everything in life that ever caused me pain, from the 9 concussions, every broken bone to the loss of our daughter… everything. one of the nurses went over it with us and filled in other needed details. when the doctor came in after this (and it took 45 minutes) he sat down with the nurse and said to me something like "everyday women come in here with long, hard roads behind and ahead of them and everyday i think i have heard the worst story. Today i met you and i think i will never be able to say that again."
the man wrote books on female athletes like i was and how much we hurt ourselves by being pushed too hard…he brought the book in and tried to get us to buy it … and his other book too "Secret Suffering" … like.. pushed it at us twice… i was cheesed. i’m not buying that, i’ll go to the library and get it free. I dont think this is SUFFERING when there are huge global problems! the 2/3s world is more important than if i can have sex and get pregnant… oh wait, i have to get to that later
i made that sound so much nicer than he did, because i cannot be that cold. I looked the man dead in the eyes and then to my husband and said I am leaving. I never got to leave. we sat and went over my charts for 2.5 hours and he talked to us like we had no idea about the human body (this is my husband who worked about 20 years in the medical field and me who worked on a degree to be a physical therapist before changing my mind) He spent so much time correcting how i explained where i had pain, telling me where i felt pain and how i felt pain and constantly asking me if i was sure i wasn’t abused. He was telling me of course no other doctors could help me because they wouldn’t connect all the problems together. He was told how sick i was years back and said he wanted me to go to all these other specialists for tests and then run more tests. After Xamp talked to the Doctor about his experiences the doctor started to respect my husband and talk to him like a colleague, that was weird but the men seemed to like it. I was pissed off. he wrote me off as irrational. oh he of little faith…… don’t know me very well now do he?
i said i have no insurance
he got upset…i got upset
we continued and he dropped the talk about me having a million different autoimmune disorders…
we continued… finally Xamp told him a few things about my body that we know, i had my love explain to the doctor about how Mariel died because its too painful for me to go into… "I was called twice to ______ University to help young girls who gave birth in bathrooms like you did. under similar situations, you aren’t alone THIS WAS 5 YEARS AGO!!! 5 YEARS AGO
and stop asking me about therapy!! stop asking me about therapists!! i got help, i talked… i moved on… it hurts and it always will hurt but stop it!! How could he try to say something like that to me, i know he was trying to make me feel special or something but all he did was make me feel such deep, wrenching sorrow for those other women who went through such a horrible experience like i did! those women need help and counseling and help! They need this more than i do! and he’s telling me this to make me feel included?!?!?! what kind of society do we live in that causes young women to feel they have to be in situations like this?!
I have this habit of getting very, very emotional to the point of where it looks to someone unknowing like i am checked out and shut down… in reality i’ve dissociated myself from my body and astral project for a moment to get a grip, look over the situation and understand better what i have to do. He didnt know and kept telling us that we should come back again in a few weeks to continue this. i said no. I wanted to get this all done here and now because i dont have time for all this CRAP and waste more time just sitting and talking…
so he started to do the exam … that part wasn’t too bad he touched my back and the idiot put his hand on my shoulder MY BAD REPLACED SHOULDER THAT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT HE TOLD ME I WAS PUSHING MY PAIN INTO MY PELVIS AND BLOCKING … and then tells me how too tight all my right side is … i got in softly "try taking your hand off my shoulder" …. its your left shoulder … i thought bite me … i said "maybe if you move your hand it will stop being like that" … he moves it to the other shoulder across me and said it made no difference
He was shocked that for someone with chronic pelvic pain I can wear whatever panties i want, whatever clothes i want without suffering, i can open myself up to show him have my husband touch me, me touch me, but him i didnt like too much and it bothered me. he still refused to check the nerves that he said he would because i was too emotional. well it was traumatic what was expected!?!?! i get dressed and we all go into his office to talk more and get our diagnosis
he sits us down with the nurse who is about my age… and he starts to talk about the numerous problems we have with me… and how there are more but he didn’t check on them so we have to come back (crap) so he can do the other test on my pudential nerve. He tells me i have a few different disorders but the things that bothered me the most aren’t real problems, just irritations. so he starts to tell me about the treatment plan
again — we have no health insurance until January and he starts to go on about the new government health care bill and how its going to penalize people for not having health care and other junk like that … i had so much trouble understanding what the man was telling me — i asked about money.. he told me some of these things are too expensive…
He starts up again after i start to get frustrated … i need physical therapy down there but since its too expensive without insurance i said i cant start until January… but I’m worried because right now i don’t know how much PT will be covered, it could be anywhere from 6-30 visits and i don’t want to start something that wouldn’t be able to be finished. he was SO MAD at me and almost yelled at me about getting so frustrated… he said he wanted to put me on a few other medications too anti-anxiety drugs, anti psychotic medications like klonipin and anti depressants to get me to calm down and to lower my pain tolerance and a few of the receptors in my head to stop producing things that say i am in pain
i flipped out… totally flipped out … he wanted me to go to therapy too because of all my trauma and suggested i go to my old therapists
He asked how long my husband and i had been together, i told him… we got the date wrong but it doesn’t matter– he asked if Xamp has any kids… he has 2 teenagers … he asked Xamps age, he said 42. He asked my age … I told him … he asked if i was abused sexually by my father because younger women go for older men sometimes to make up for the affection their rapest fathers didn’t give to them. I said i was worried about running out of time to get pregnant. He told me to stop worrying because i am young, I looked over to my guy and said i have other reasons i worry about it … and i have an 80% chance of giving my genetic things over to our kids the longer i wait…
He asked me how did i get over my tourette’s … O.O;;; you dont get over Tourette’s, you just are able to suppress it for a little bit of time… he didnt’ believe me i dont think. so i stopped holding my tics in…he told me i am too young and have a lot of years left… and asked about tourettes, Xamps bad knee and looked shocked to know about his kids, his ex and everything else .
i do not have a daddy complex
i looked over to Xamp and said i am leaving…. of course i didn’t leave
i was so insulted!! i came here to get my vagina fixed so my husband and i can get pregnant naturally. that’s the goal here… i said i WILL NOT GO ON THOSE MEDICATIONS, he said to me see Kristine, (the nurse) she’s on 900 milligrams of ______ for her migraines and shes fine! i don’t care about her, they tried all sorts of drugs for when i had seizures as a girl and i went bald and turned into a zombie. so he gave us 2 creams to use and a few lidocaine patches for the other areas of pain in my body ( I took them for Xamp to use on his ankle… i do not need them i am not in that kind of pain to abuse painkillers like that). He looked over to my husband and told him that he will not help me if i do not go along with his treatment plan
Xamp said that we can do this and it is my body and if we have to come back every 3 weeks for the next year ANYWAY we have plenty of time to talk about medications. but for right now if i think i can do this with cream and PT then that’s what we should do. the doctor said it will never work… but maybe i maybe could be the first person this could ever work for. but he doesn’t have time for people who are difficult like me
he also did some HORRIBLE analogy of if Davis and i were in a car wreck and he was pinned and horribly hurt in the drives seat and i was thrown from the car with my leg bone sticking out of my leg broken in half. I wouldn’t realize i was in pain because i would be hurrying to help my Davis out of the car and be save — he said that is the pain mentality my body is in all the time
… i almost puked… how terrible is that to say?!?!?!?!
the doctor didn’t want me to do it that way, he doesn’t deal with patients like me much, he deals with people who whine and cry over breaking a fake nail.. not someone who wouldn’t be here if there were any other ways around this. I said if we work with this, and work with the PT and the gel when can we work to get preganant
he looked at me, the doctor, like i was on crack and told me that we might BEGIN to see improvements IN 9 MONTHS TO A YEAR … technology is great because they can put sperm in me a lot of ways but without me being open all we have is penis over there and broken vagina over here… he told me you are in no way going to be able to get pregnant before this time next year, maybe longer if you don’t do my treatment plan as i tell you I BURST INTO TEARS… i was just done…
so we have creams to do in the mean time … go back in 3 weeks on a Monday to have the jerk poke at me more… He wants my neuro records too sent over… and i can start my mirapex back up for the other problems and that should help a bit with the neurotransmitters
but him telling me those things about getting pregnant broke my heart in a million pieces … more than a million, a zillion pieces… and we walked home, got in the car… drove 2 hours almost to Harrisburg, turned around and talked and just debriefed each other about what to do from here… we got home and just… made intimate with eachother the only way we can right now.
oh, he also told me that there are paraplegics that cant feel anything below the waste than can enjoy an intimate relationship with other erogenous zones. we need to work that way with mine because Xamp shouldn’t try to sexually touch me until this year is over!!! hell no!!!!! of coure we went home and tried
now im home sitting here post for the whole ungodless world to see and I’m sorta horrified that i’m doing this … but i feel broken tonight, i feel like 1/2 a woman like my need and want to have a baby of our own… one we finally would get to keep after all of our other attempts and our little girl was taken from us. so i need a little time to get myself back together … get a grip…. and then in 3 weeks it will be hell all over again. I can live with this and deal with it. I’m a big girl…
sooooo sorry this is so long, but i did promise an update…