Welcome back to my oddities and ramblings … yep…we meet again… Something occured to me in the middle of the night as I'm laying awake listening to Ben Folds and wondering why the hell I can't sleep when the drugs are all suppose to make me tired…
After so many years of keeping this private, I've opened it up again to all the struggles, triumphs, joys and sorrows that made me lock it down in the first place. Opening myself back up to all of the things I've feared for the main part of my life. I've always been a person who keeps the things most important to her hidden… the more valuable it is, the more important it is for me to tuck it away like a packrat.
not like the Horders show … like the cute little fluffy thing..
but here we are again … come back out of my proverbial journaling closet and back into the wide open world … Somehow it was easier for me to be like this on Facebook where everyone seems to have verbal diareah than it is on here… Gee… I guess because thats just the way it is there… and here I want it to at least make sense.
So, How do I write about myself without making myself emotionally insufferable?! It's the perrogative of the writer to say what she needs to say … but without taking into account that I think someone might be reading this … well… it makes it so none of it's relatable… and why would I have gone back to making this public unless I wanted it to at least be relatable to someone else and so we can share the attention of shared frustrations? Right?
I think it's the idea that everything can't totally be "I" and "me" and "my" …even though it is … The issues here are so much more than they started out to be … for me … at least … and I want to try to see things the way they are for me, but the way they are for other people who are trying to find their way through this… and that makes me feel like im trying to have some kind of Jesus complex instead of just working my way through the frustration that is living with multiple movement disorders and comorbids and blah blah blah ….
Even as I was chirping the hell out of that walmart last night I was worried more about the way people were looking at me … at the cute little girl who started to repeat my chirp and we were smiling at each other while we were making those sounds back and forth … and I had to laugh. How can I take myself so overly seriously when I can see that some little kid who has no idea what's going on thinks that its cute … how can I try to make myself better by looking through whats going on around me … like the poor cashiere who had to have the worst of my shreaks closer to her ears than I would have liked …
but… in the end … those are projections that I'm making onto the world around me, not things that the world is forcing me to see….I don't have to be completely emotional about it if I can try to look at it as a part of the whole … if I can try not to hold it back to the point where I hit no return … but don't force it either to try to get it over with … so I don't end up in a gigantic dystonic mess all over the floor of the store.
I need to be less of an emotional pack rat. there's another lifetime of work for me to aim for! but… until then… an apple and some peanutbutter to make me not throw up the mountain of drugs … time for a hot cup of tea … watch the falling snow and listen to some good music … Sounds like a decent way to start this morning…