Stuff for my speech on the Arts in public schools — and other shit to go into my LJ

~*~ ~*~

… wow… goddamn today sucked… I didn’t get drum major… I know I did a lot wrong… but I feel like angaqueer lead me on about it… maybe it’s just me being dillusional…

*sighs* Brian Spendly was worried about me… Dave told me in passing last period.. .I feel bad for making him think about me… but yeah… it crushed me… I’m sorry… it did… I thought I had it… I thought I fucking had it and again… as usual… I’m a failure… *trying to not start crying …again*

we found out at 7:30 this morning… Joel was late and we were all talking and laughing inside the room and I talked about what Dave and I did last night, at rehearsal… that was fun… But we were talking and Tim butt in… but it was okay…

When I found out it was Tim and Tara… I was just… well, I’m not going to lie.. I knew from the second I got into that room is wasn’t going to be me… I knew it… I knew I was a failure at everything I do so it wasn’t worth it to me to even try to pretend like it was me… but when… but TIM AND TARA ARE THE TWO BIGGEST ASS KISSERS IN THE BAND. ….

When I got outside I think I looked the most miserable… Anthony got out before I did… but I went to meet him… and blew everyone else off…I just told him how I wanted US to be the majors… and he even started crying… he looked so… *sighs* poor thing…

when Dave and I got back to the caff I just dropped my stuff… got my phone and went outside to call Victor to tell him the bad news… but when I just pressed send Dave popped his head out the door… I hung up on that call… I think Dave coming out there was the nicest thing anyones ever did for me… honestly… when he hugged me I just started sobbing… I totally broke down and I didn’t feel stupid because I really, really, really wanted that… I could even see myself with that posision… I was dreaming about it… I could taste it… I could feel it… and when I didn’t get it… and when no one could see me… I just broke down… I just broke down and cried for … well.. it felt like forever…. He hugged me… and I just… I just cried… I don’t know how to put it… I was grateful he came out there to see me… I really just wanted to cry and I didn’t want to sit by myself… but everyone at that table wouldn’t understand… and I just went outside to be alone… *sighs* victor could never understand how much that would mean to me if I got it… I don’t think anyone could have really understood how much that job would have meant to me… I was going to give up so much to do that…

*sighs* I haven’t eaten anything all day…when I got that news I just felt everything about me just… die… because that’s what I want to do… so badly.. maybe if I did everything differently… maybe if I was a better person… why does so much have to go through my mind… maybe if I didn’t have Aspergers…

I’m sorry… I think it’s all of this still coming down on me…and I feel bad for dropping it on anyone… I’ve virtually gone through this day without talking to anyone but Dave… yes, I did bite off rosenblooms head… he asked for it… I really, really wasn’t in the mood for any “PDA” crap.. I didn’t care when Lindsay did it… but Rosenbloom just got on my nerves… and I did apologies to him for it though…

the only cute thing of the day was little Rocco saying he’s going on his first date tonight and I don’t know if he was kidding or not but he goes to me and Dave “you can come if you want” … and Dave asked when and where… Rocco is going to P-Burg. He’s a sweet kid. Such a little doll. Sometimes annoying as hell though with his love of things… he makes me wish I could be happier, but it’s not going to happen… he’s always got so much energy and seems to happy and then you have me whose either just in that … “I don’t care” mood where everything is Vanilla… that’s me normally… or there are days like this… when I just get some kind of news that fucks everything up…

So.. I’m posting lyrics now…

:: End Transmission::


I get to go to Taekwondo tonight… I’m going to fucking ass rape Jennine today for being a bitch.. she better not show up…

I damn hate frosh, She’s so nervy for one too.. I don’t care what the hell she does, NO ONE dare upstage me. I was in a lesson and she comes into my practice room and takes over! Fucking bitch… I hate frosh… She’s such a bitch…


I’m even to the point tonight when I’m listening to Iron Maiden ( THEY’RE A BAND MEL… REALLY)

but I gotta mail Victors letter soon, I have a whole bunch of stuff to send him… I’m so excited… I love that man.. It’s just so hard for me to believe sometimes that when I met him he was a sophomore … and now he’s a frosh in college…. *smiles* … and I was only in 8th grade… *sighs*

I better get dressed for Taekwondo… I can’t wait to talk to Vicci later!


DAVE- what are you doing tomorrow after school?


Title – Kate
Album- Whatever and ever amen
Artist- Ben folds five

She plays wipeout on the drums
the squirrels and the birds come
Gather around to sing the guitar
Oh I…have you got nothing to say

When all words fail she speaks
Her mix tape’s a masterpiece
Walks through the garden
so the roses can see
Oh I…have you got nothing to say

And you can see the daisies
in her footsteps
Dandelions, butterflies
I wanna be Kate

Everyday she wars the same thing
I think she smokes pot
She’s everything I want, She’s everything I’m not
Oh. I…
Have you got nothing to say

She never gets wet
She smiles and it’s a rainbow
And she speaks and she breathes
I wanna be Kate

Down by the Rosemary and Cameron
She hands out the Bhagaved Gita
I see her around every couple days
I wanna meet her so that
I can say…hey Kate


My dad is totally jewish.. (no offence) He’s a fucking retard… He just makes me feel so bad sometimes….

I’ll cut the crap and get to the good stuff… Dave was able to come over tonight for about an hour or something… we just sat and talked and DLed some stuff… but this was the highlight of my day seeing him…*smiles softly* I feel bad about some of the things that happened…

I feel like my dad is trying to totally controll me… I told Francois earlier that I should go back to what I was before… totally immerced in my music, but now that I have someone who’s company is enjoyable… I don’t want to go back in…

*sighs* I’m going to work more on la entrada tonight.. I have plenty of ideas… I might put it in tomorrow…

About Dave…

it might end up where I cant’ see him anymore… Where my dad is getting shitty over how I am with him… so I might have to tell him I can’t see him anymore… *wants to cry* … it’s probably better this way….

*sighs* … just like everything else that goes on in my life… but then again who cares… such is life… expect this to end up in la entrada

I have found the joy that is Nirvana

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don’t have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feed as one
In the sun
In the sun
I’m married
I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqur scafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
All in all we all are

Last night…

So I signed off here… Dave was having a bad night… God.. .that kid scares me so badly sometimes…. I just was worn out by about… midnight… I wanted to do something for him… So man of these posts start like this…

I’m beginning to think I should be pagen and search for answers somewhere, I was a happy pagen… but I had more visions and more of this hell broke loose … I feel like sometimes it’s not Dave I’m seeing… but someone else in place of him… like looking into the mirror, but it’s not a reflection of you.. it’s someone/thing else that’s pretending to be you… but there’s nothing to be done about it!

I wish there was something for david to make him feel better…. he wanted me to explain my La Entrada to him last night… and it was hard describe to the person how I notice every little feature, how he was lying on the coutch and how his body looked generally broken under the weights of his own thoughts… This boy thought to be nothing more that a selfcentered igoist had proved time after time he was not all of those things… well, there’s part of the book… so…without further adeu

La Entrada
It was a choise we sat together that night under the clear sky, we sat in the middle of this circle with it’s 7 large marble pilles up around us. Encircling us… it wa a shrine we so rudly invaded… but so peaceful it was here, for a moment of silent reflection… or misery… Saybia was lying on this marble bed… above me with his arm bend back so his wrist was handing off a little above his cheekbones, and at the right place, from my spot on the floor to reach an to try to persent myself as a vain attempt of comfort and how his body looked generally broken under the weights of his own thoughts… This boy thought to be nothing more that a selfcentered igoist had proved time after time he was not all of those things…he was the troubled one… the listener, the realist in a landfill of those hopless, blinded masses… that could never understand… I sat below him… on my kneese looking up at his troubled brown eyes. the alter he layedo n was carved with pictures of hell and angels that presented themselves with glory and beauty…occasionally I would look away, down onto the mossaic floor below me, with it’s reds and blues and yellows in the pattern of a large star, or a sun. we were rased aboce the last large carved circle by a few small steps… that lead to a worship area… and then down the mountain and to the small city below… but only after a moment of distraction… syabia would speak again.. and those blood tears would flow…and I would be sucked back in

and NO.. it’s not done yet